the jealousy has started...how do I help DD through this?

[COgirl19]

We just had our second child, another beautiful little girl almost 2 months old.
Our first DD is 3 and a half. She is very bright, very verbal, and dramatic (as most 3 yo's are). At first things were going very well but now the jealousy is coming through, here is what happened tonight:

DD1 is taking a bath and loves me to play with her which I usually do, but DH has to take over so I can feed the baby. She gets out of the bath, and is playing happily with DH. I start a bath for DD2 and take a bath with her (something I used to do with DD1 a lot before DD2 was born). Poor DD1 burst into tears. She was clearly upset, despite our efforts to calm her down. When DD2 was done with her bath I snuggled with DD1, read her stories, ect. She was OK until I had to feed the baby again and she was very upset.

I tried to talk to her about jealousy, what it means, and that it is OK to have those feelings. I assured her how much I love her and how special she is to me but also how DD2 also needs attention and love as well. It didn't seem to help much at the moment but she did eventually fall asleep.

My question is, how do I help her sort these feelings? I know these are new feelings she is going through and she is having a lot of trouble putting words to them. She kept telling me she was sad because her knee hurt but that is always her goto explanation when I ask her what is wrong and she can't really describe it. What do DH and I do for her to help her but also give DD2 the attention and love she needs from us?

[AllisonR]

Aww, I think you are handling it beautifully. You clearly recognize and accept her feelings and try to comfort her with actions like reading and snuggling....

Since she is very verbal, I'd say you could also recognize her feelings verbally. (If you haven't alreadY) For example you could say "Are you sad/jealous/angry that DD2 is taking a bath with mommy and you are not?" "It's OK to feel sad/jealous..." "You also used to take a bath with mommy when you were a baby." "DD2 can't yet take a bath by herself so that is why I take a bath with her now. But there are lots of things that DD2 can't do that you can, like reading stories together and talking about them...."

Concrete ideas - maybe once a week all three of you could take a bath together if the tub is big? Your DD2 is still really young, but eventually there can be more reasonable chunks of time where you can leave DD2 with DH and you and DD1 have special big girl time together to have a tea party or walk in the woods or whatever. But imo, you and DD1 have to really be separated from DD1 for it to "count" as true quality time for your DD1. This is just my experience with DS and DD, where if I did things with DS but DD was still there, even if she was just sleeping or low-needs, he did not really feel this time was special to him. Because there were always minor interruptions. It was fine, it just wasn't really "our time", kwim? But if DH and DD actually left the house so DS and I could build a fort or read books... or we actually left DH and DD at home to do something outside, then it was "our time", because I was not also on checking on and taking care of DD.

[ChetMC]

What I've Done

Whenever I can, I involve everybody. Often when I feed the baby I read or sing with the other kids for example. It's hard when I want to nurse the baby to sleep and we actually need quiet because our older kids think of feed the baby time and family time.

How would your DD react if when you fed the baby you asked her to go and get a book for you to read together. Could you make time to feed the baby a special time for you all?

Getting into the tub with the baby right after your DD had a bath alone would be hard to take for some kids. Would it be difficult to have her in the tub too, you stay in the tub and have a bath with each of them, or to just have a baths with the baby when your older DD is in bed?

[megan sacha]

No advice but wanted to commiserate as we're going through it too with a 3.5 yr old son and 7 week old daughter. I think it sounds like you're doing a great job and things will get easier in time.

[triana1326]

Subbing for ideas as we are going through this with my 2 y/o DD and my 3 m/o DS. Her behaviors are getting alarming: biting and pinching herself, nightmares, and generally acting out. She won't read books or play with toys with me with I nurse DS, and refuses to be redirected without someone else taking her away. I'm alone with the kids for 12 hours a day, and have (it seems) no time to do 1-1 activities with DD, without DS being involved, even if it's in the background. It's killing me to see her like this.

Sorry to hijack this thread, but I'm desperate for ideas.

[missnoodlesmom]

My kids are 20 months apart so I think my DD (older child) was too little too feel the full brunt of jealousy, but some of the things that I did with both were:
bath time together. I would use that little foam squishy thing and put it in the tub and put my DS (as a baby) on it. DD was a careful toddler so there was no worry of hurting the baby, and she really loved it. I always put on a DVD "Little Bear" when I was nursing DS. One show is about 15 minutes and DS was almost always done nursing by the time she show was over. So it was like a treat When I was making dinner, I would put DS in the swing or wear him and let DD "do dishes" at the sink, or do some sort of easy art activity at the table where we could chat and talk together the whole time. But most importantly, we made a BIG deal of putting DS to bed earlier and having at least 30 minutes to do stuff that just she wanted to do. She loved that - I put 10 things in her closet that were just "big girl activities" and she was allowed to pull them out during a nap time for baby or before bedtime and we would do them together.

I hope this helps - I had a VERY high needs infant so it was definitely a struggle to make my toddler feel special during that very stressful time. Hugs!

[Dukey25]

I like including everyone. I also like acknowledge that while we love someone sometime we don't like them. In my home I find the jealousy and anger towards siblings happens when they become mobile and start wreaking their stuff. So the conversation often revolves around I love Keiran but I don't like it when he knocks down my castle. I try place the emotion on the action instead of the person but if they say I hate the baby in my house that is ok. I try to show them they don't hate the baby but rather the event/action but I think if they can express themselves and be heard that is what is important. For me it was hard with a baby because all you see is what your children are missing (your oldest from what he had, your youngest from what the oldest had) but once they developed a relationship apart from me where they had experiences and fun that would have never occurred without the new sibling dynamic I saw the benefit that siblings bring.