bad days doing me in! (how to cope?)

[umami_mommy]

my sensory, explosive, resistant, right-brained 8 year old is just all over the place.

we have good days and bad days and every kind of day in between. the stress of him, my very spirited 3 year old and my depressed and anxious DH is pushing me over the edge.

i try to have as normal a life as possible. as normal as it can be for an unschooling family anyway. but DS resists *any* kind of structure and schedule. and always wants all family time to be of his choosing. the needs of others never really occur to him. it's SO hard functioning as a family when i have *two* rigid, uncompromising, self-absorbed people in my family! whew.

the 3 year old was supposed to start nursery school last month. 3 hours in the morning, twice a week. she refused to go. lovely. now i have to figure out how to adjust things so i can keep working with DS twice a week on schooly stuff.


sometimes i'm just so TIRED!! whew. i'm sure there are lots of mamas here who feel the same way. but not knowing what to expect day to day from DS' behavior and attitude is really crazy-making. and exhausting.

how to cope with the unexpected???

[Starflower]

I don't have time to post right now, but I can relate to some of what you are going through. I'll try to get back later.

[csb13]

Just wanted to say that I hear you. It is that hard to have a rigid SPD kiddo and a toddler too. Especially when they just want you! Add a husband that's challenging too, it's a lot. My DS is 6 and pretty much everything you said about your son could be said for mine as well. We unschool (partially b/c I think it's a good way to learn and mostly b/c I can't imagine trying to teach him in any other way). My toddler DD is also high energy and it's just a lot. Do you have a homeschool group you could join? My DS was resistant to a group at first but when I was able to find a weekly park date that was the same every week, no surprises for him, I can get him to go. I also found a 14 year old girl to babysit on occasion. She has lots of younger brothers and sisters and seems more tolerant of DS's behavior than most adults. I would just say to try to find some time for you somewhere somehow so that you can keep yourself together. It's a lot to have on your plate.

Sending you hugs and smiles. I wish I had more solutions but I can tell you that I'm in a similar boat and I do know it's challenging and scary when you feel yourself starting to slip toward depression (and what sane woman wouldn't, when you're on duty 24/7 and responsible for two kids, a house, their schooling). Give yourself lots of credit for what you are doing.

Take good care of you Momma!

[Linda on the move]

We used to homeschool and we no longer do. It was a combination of reasons, but part of it was that it just wasn't working for any of us any more (me being one of the people it no longer worked for).

If you are miserable for a prolonged period of time, you might considering making some big changes.

Currently, both my kids attend a private alternative school and both of them are happier than they were are home. It was a process to get here, and not every step was smooth, but it was worth it.

I also think you could consider sending your DH to therapy and/or getting on meds. He needs to be able to function as another adult in the family, not another person that you have to take care of.

[Julia Rose]

It sounds as though your DC control the discourse in your family, and have an authority that approaches or supsersedes your own. Is there a way that you can set up rules? Charts, rewards, consequences? I know it doesn't sound like the ultimate in AP, but SN kids (and all kids, I'd venture to add) need boundaries and disciplines to function well IMO.

[umami_mommy]

my children do have boundaries and discipline.

what makes you think they don't? because we unschool? because my 3 yo decided to not attend nursery school?

my children don't "run" my household. but we do practice NVC and so we do try to consider everyone's needs in decision making. NVC isn't for everyone. but we have found that a collaborative approach does work best for DS (and by extension, his parents too).

DH is seeing a T. no meds though. he's had horrible reactions to all the ones we tried. now he is seeing someone who specializes in treating mood disorders without meds. that doesn't treat his SP though! lol. OY!

anyway, the best approach for me seems to be taking care of myself, which is no easy task. kwim?

[Julia Rose]

I'm sorry, I meant no offense! I wasn't responding to your schooling decisions. I just had the feeling from what you wrote that your DS in particular was insistent about controlling family time. You have to do what works for you.

[umami_mommy]

having boundaries does not magically create a child who cooperates. on the contrary, if you have an explosive-oppositional child, the more rules, boundaries, control, force, and coercion you have in your home, the worse they are.

collaborating with them brings about much more cooperation. but it's A LOT of work. and DH throwing gasoline on the fire all the time doesn't help.

[Starflower]

We are unschoolers with one DD (7) who is seeing a therapist for anxiety/depression/possible OCD. I also have OCD and some of the other not so fun stuff that goes with it. DD and I also both have many sensory issues. It's hard enough to manage my own own sensory stuff sometimes but when I am constantly trying to help DD manage her issues and then my own..... well, let's just say it's really taxing.

I think we're in a low point right now. We're working with the therapist to help DD find some ways to cope but really, for now, I'm not even living one day at a time - I feel like I am living hour to hour and it's exhausting.

I have started seeing a therapist as well just to give me someone to talk to about everything besides my DH. I am also really wanting to explore some stuff of my own but it's hard to find the space for me.

So I guess my focus is to try to find my boundaries and try to take care of myself (much easier said than done). And at this point, trying to get us all some sleep. Which hasn't been happening due to DD's extreme anxiety.

We strive to be a consensual living family, but when we're exhausted and stressed out, DH and I both tend to regress into authoritarian crap we were brought up with and it never works and we hate it.

Have you read "The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children" by Ross W. Greene? He is a proponent of Collaborative Problem Solving and says "Children do well if they can." This is my mantra for the time being. I get flack from other people sometimes because of DD's behavior. They seem to think it's due to some sort of moral or discipline failing on my part or that she's being "defiant" just for the fun of it or it's because of our educational choices. Re-reading this book helped me refocus a bit.

Other than that all I have to offer right now is a hug. I hope we both have a good day today.

[Starflower]

I see we cross-posted and that you very likely have read the book I mentioned.

[Starflower]

Originally Posted by umami_mommy

having boundaries does not magically create a child who cooperates. on the contrary, if you have an explosive-oppositional child, the more rules, boundaries, control, force, and coercion you have in your home, the worse they are.

Thank you for saying this! Yes, yes, yes!

[umami_mommy]

yes, we read that book and then "treating explosive kids: a collaborative problem solving approach." by the same guy, written for professionals, but goes into the ABC basket system in depth, including the CPSA, which, IMO, is very NVC based.


many people think that the catch all approach of boundaries and a rigid schedule is what all challenging children need. this kind of one size fits all approach is a waste of time IMO.

[Starflower]

I have not read the second book. I'll check into it.

Thanks.

[csb13]

Thank you saying that the more rules, the more defiant behavior from these kiddos. I too am so sick of my DS's behavior being thought to be the result of my parenting. I wish that rules and routines and structure did the magic trick for DS behavior wise but it makes him more anxious and explosive. I just do the best I can to get through the days with as much respect as possible for the children and myself.

My DH also loves to add gas to the fires

I was also going to add that if you could find a counselor for you that might be great too. I go to an awesome therapist once a month and it's good to know that I have safe place to say anything and explore any feelings I have.

Good luck to you Momma!

[Linda on the move]

There is a middle ground.

We used to be unschoolers and we used to practice non-coersive parenting. It all sounded good to me, but the reality of it meant that my needs were NEVER met and that my kids weren't particually happy.

We gradually made all sort of changes, which were mostly small ones that added to to a pretty big switch and now life is a lot more balanced.


There really is a middle ground, and that ground has enough space for you to take care of yourself.

[tsfairy]

I can totally sympathize. DS1 (5) is our explosive kid, and DS2 (3) feeds off his negative energy and some days they just spend all day beating each other up. DS1 and I really butt heads lately too and DH is the somewhat level-headed one stuck in the middle.

Thank you saying that the more rules, the more defiant behavior from these kiddos. I too am so sick of my DS's behavior being thought to be the result of my parenting.

Yesterday we had the IL's over for lunch and DS1 went quite nuts, and wound up throwing a chair at me. Needless to say he doesn't do well with changes in routine and having people over to our house is a very big routine change. DH took him into his room to sit with him while he calmed down, and while they were gone MIL informed me that I should get a lock for his bedroom door so when he gets like this I can "lock him in there until he learns it's not ok." Because of course if we would only "control" him better, he would not act like this.

So frustrating. Hugs to all.

[BetsyNY]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

There is a middle ground.

We used to be unschoolers and we used to practice non-coersive parenting. It all sounded good to me, but the reality of it meant that my needs were NEVER met and that my kids weren't particually happy.

We gradually made all sort of changes, which were mostly small ones that added to to a pretty big switch and now life is a lot more balanced.


There really is a middle ground, and that ground has enough space for you to take care of yourself.

This.

No, you can't "boundary" behaviors away, but my son, who sounds a lot like yours, calmed down quite a bit once we got him into a school environment. He finds the structure and expectations calming...not that we don't have structure and expectations at home, but it's just...different, of course.

[umami_mommy]

look, i don't want to have to defend my choice to unschool my son. honestly, the very last place i want him is somewhere he is going to be triggered by every little freaking thing they do, so he can be labeled as bipolar and demand that i put him on drugs.

school would be a Very Bad Place for my son. and i am perfectly fine with that. sending him to school isn't a way to help me cope with my stress. KWIM?

(and i get tired of that being the one size fits all answer)

[csb13]

Yesterday we had the IL's over for lunch and DS1 went quite nuts, and wound up throwing a chair at me. Needless to say he doesn't do well with changes in routine and having people over to our house is a very big routine change. DH took him into his room to sit with him while he calmed down, and while they were gone MIL informed me that I should get a lock for his bedroom door so when he gets like this I can "lock him in there until he learns it's not ok." Because of course if we would only "control" him better, he would not act like this.

I am so glad to hear that I am not the only one who has entertained in laws for a meal where a chair ended up being thrown at me!

Maybe we should start a thread of all the bizarre things that occur in day to day life with our kids! And maybe your MIL should chat with mine, they could have a field day!

Take care mommas!

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by umami_mommy

look, i don't want to have to defend my choice to unschool my son.

some of us here have tried many, many different things and found that what ended up working best for our child wasn't what we thought it would be. Rather than a one size fits all answer, what I'm saying is:

if what you are doing isn't working, it might help to try something different.

I think this is true regardless of what you are doing that isn't working, or what you are considering trying. If your child is miserable, if you are miserable, then letting go of rigid ideas *might* be the path to finding something that works.

If you want exclusively unschooling support, then perhaps double posting on the unschooling board would be a good idea.