ongoing...update post 20

[Avani]

So my lawyer petitioned the judge for a motion to settle our divorce. We are 4 years out since it was first filed. My ex is refusing to just sign off on the divorce. Now my court case is 1200 miles away from me. My lawyer attends everything for me. The judge yesterday ordered a mandatory settlement hearing that I am required to be present for because my ex refuses to just sign off. Ok, so I have to find a way to travel 1200 miles away with six little kids to sign off on my divorce. I know it would seem most logical to just leave all the kids here and fly down there and attend the hearing and come back. But the reason why my ex is refusing to sign off is because he wants the kids from Dec. 24-Jan 1st and he requested the mandatory settlement hearing be scheduled for Dec 15 so that I am forced to bring all the kids down with me to give him for the visit he wants. As in I would have to drive 1200 miles with six little kids, attend the hearing, take the kids out of school for a week before xmas break starts, I would miss all of my college finals, I would have to sit down in my ex's town from Dec 15 until the 24th when he wants them for xmas break, and then continue to hang out down there until the end of his visit (during xmas & new years no less) with my other two kids that aren't his, and then drive 1200 miles back. The other option I was given was to have the hearing on Jan 5th. As in I still have to bring the kids for him for the Dec 24-Jan 1st visit and therefore I would have to hang out where ex lives from the 24-Jan 5th. My two kids and I would have to spend our xmas and New Years there and wait until the Jan 5th hearing which also means the kids would miss a week of school because they head back Jan 2nd. Financially this is all impossible. I have no money to drive 1200 miles, no money for a minimum of 2 weeks in a hotel because of the visit and waiting game, food money etc. I still have never received a penny of child support from ex and I'm supposed to cover all the travel? Who the fu$% does this judge think he is to order such insanity? On either side no matter which hearing I choose, the kids would miss a week of school, I would go bankrupt, my xmas holiday would be insanely horrible, I would miss college finals...seriously?! My lawyer told me I have to give my ex the visitation at xmas because he hasn't had them for 4 years worth of xmas(uh, yeah by his choice) and if I don't attend the mandatory settlement hearing I am in contempt of court. Me. In contempt. So any thoughts, ideas????!!!

[earthmama369]

Is there any legal recourse that would allow your lawyer to explain the difficulties and financial/school consequences of this plan, and to offer an alternate plan? Offering an alternate would show that you're invested in this process and trying to work with them. But it does seem really unreasonable to expect you to suffer such serious consequences with your final exams and your finances to make either of those dates.

[doubledutch]

is the visitation court-ordered, or is your lawyer telling you that you have to "play the game" to appear reasonable?

[smeep]

I'm so sorry, mama! I really hope this UAV judge goes away...this is truly insanity.

I don't remember details, so forgive me if this isn't an option, but can your ex come pick them up on the 24th and then you can drive there on the 1st and stay through the hearing on the 5th? I understand money is tight and it would involve gas money, motel, etc., but IF it's not mandated that you take them there for the visit then maybe that's your best option? Also, do you know of any MDC mamas in his area? Perhaps one of them would be willing to let you guys stay with them for a few days. I would definitely do that if I was in the area.

[smeep]

Originally Posted by doubledutch

is the visitation court-ordered, or is your lawyer telling you that you have to "play the game" to appear reasonable?

Yes, I'm wondering that as well. If the visit itself isn't court ordered and ESPECIALLY if it's not ordered that you take them there, then that can help you a great deal.

[sparklefairy]

I can't solve the entire problem, but I would talk to your professors NOW and ask about taking finals early. Not ideal, not at all. But some of your classes may not have formal finals and most professors in my experience totally understand situations beyond your control and want to hear from you sooner rather than later. Talking to your advisor about the situation will help too.

[Avani]

It's not court ordered. The only thing ordered was that ex get EOW where I live and he gets spring break with them with him covering travel costs. Our previous order was that he pay all travel with supervised visits. The judge did however say that my ex paying all travel would not be permanent and that he and I needed to agree on summer break and xmas break. I do not agree with my ex getting all of xmas break and me having to pay for any travel costs, period, until he is either caught up on child support ($10,000 in arrears) or is at least paying to some degree because so far I've gotten $0 in 4 years.

Besides all of that the hearing is mandatory. If I don't go, for whatever reason, i will be charged with contempt. My ex could sign off and I wouldn't have to go but he refuses. Also the judge offered the hearing to be either Dec 15 or Jan 5th. I have to choose one. Regardless of xmas break I have to choose. I am clueless because I already told my lawyer that financially I have no way to show for either hearing and it involves me having to juggle 6 kids. Plus on either side my kids would miss at least a week of school.

[MissLotus]

I would not do it. I would go to the hearing, all by myself, on December 15th. Going to the hearing is NOT the same as agreeing to be responsible for the children's travel costs of your ex's vacation, nor is it an agreement that your ex may have the children for the holidays! They are two separate issues, regardless of your ex's desire for convenience.

To look "reasonable", per your lawyer's advice, you can offer your ex time where YOU are. You can have her reply to him in writing that the children's school schedule will not permit all of the time he has requested, as continuity in their education needs to be considered - but that you have organized a plan that will permit each of you to spend time with the children on Christmas day (reasonable by any standard) as well as accomodate his desire for some vacation time with the kids. Then perhaps offer something like the latter half of Christmas day, up until January 1. This meets him half-way, which is far more than he deserves, and on paper makes you look good. But two weeks AND you pay all the expenses, etc. - hell, no. Your lawyer is plain wrong if she expects you to do it ALL his way. Isn't the purpose of a lawyer to help you negotiate?

The letter can also mention that financial considerations, including the complete absence of child support from the non-custodial parent, will not allow the custodial parent to be responsible for the costs of transportation, nor will it be feasible for the custodial parent to interrupt her schooling (as well as the children's) to accomodate a visit to see the non-custodial parent at his location. It could also be mentioned that this offer was made in careful consideration of the non-custodial parent's lack of visitation continuity and lack of completion of the required anger management program (or whatever it was), but that you wish to facilitate the relationship to the best of your ability (I know - ) and have deemed this offer in the children's best interest. It just puts it all out there, for the record, to remind the judge and whoever may see it, that you have other irons in the fire with this guy.

[Avani]

Excellent wise Lotus. good suggestions. The funny thing is my ex grew up a Jehovah's witness and doesn't even care about Christmas. It is just a stunt he is pulling. Right now my lawyer and I are attempting to draw up a motion to change venue. Get the case moved here where I live. Now if the judge will grant it is a whole nother story. But seriously we need to do something. Oh, it won't be as simple as traveling alone. I have a little nursing baby and a teenaged autistic with moderate mental retardation child that can't be without me. I would have to travel with them. So the letter offering xmas break is a great idea and then we are currently working on a declaration to file for the change of venue. This will mean I will have to get a lawyer here and pay for it but I do believe it will be worth it. there is a woman lawyer here who never loses. It will be $4000 that I will have to magically come up, but worth it.

[Halfasianmomma]

Originally Posted by MissLotus

The letter can also mention that financial considerations, including the complete absence of child support from the non-custodial parent, will not allow the custodial parent to be responsible for the costs of transportation, nor will it be feasible for the custodial parent to interrupt her schooling (as well as the children's) to accomodate a visit to see the non-custodial parent at his location. It could also be mentioned that this offer was made in careful consideration of the non-custodial parent's lack of visitation continuity and lack of completion of the required anger management program (or whatever it was), but that you wish to facilitate the relationship to the best of your ability

Wait, are you a lawyer? 'Cause if not....damn mama. Very nicely put.

[vannienicole]

You can always tell the mom's who have BTDT with the legal system ...no matter lawyer or just mommy.

[MissLotus]

Why, thank you guys . Not a lawyer - but well-practiced in dealing with my ex because my lawyer was not pro-active about anything during my divorce, so I had to practically draw up everything myself if I wanted it done my way.

I'm sure it's not as easy as just taking off on your own on Dec. 15th, Avani - I can only imagine the logistics and the childcare issues. I just mean that if you do have to go there for court, don't tell your ex you're bringing anybody, because then he'll try to twist it into his vacation. I'd just leave it that as far as he knows, you're coming alone. But I do hope you can get the whole thing moved to where you live. Imagine - at some point (and it will happen!) this will be over with and you'll be able to move on with your life!

Just edited to add something I forgot - if you do have to go away for the court date, I would maybe go for the second one, as that would take care of the kid-care issue somewhat, though not totally - and you could return with them (not to do your ex a favor; it probably would be easier on them). I certainly wouldn't offer it if it looks like he'll go for the visit in your area! Just as a last resort, as at least it would cut out his excuse to have them from the middle of December - onward.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by Avani

So my lawyer petitioned the judge for a motion to settle our divorce. We are 4 years out since it was first filed. My ex is refusing to just sign off on the divorce. Now my court case is 1200 miles away from me. My lawyer attends everything for me. The judge yesterday ordered a mandatory settlement hearing that I am required to be present for because my ex refuses to just sign off. Ok, so I have to find a way to travel 1200 miles away with six little kids to sign off on my divorce. I know it would seem most logical to just leave all the kids here and fly down there and attend the hearing and come back. But the reason why my ex is refusing to sign off is because he wants the kids from Dec. 24-Jan 1st and he requested the mandatory settlement hearing be scheduled for Dec 15 so that I am forced to bring all the kids down with me to give him for the visit he wants. As in I would have to drive 1200 miles with six little kids, attend the hearing, take the kids out of school for a week before xmas break starts, I would miss all of my college finals, I would have to sit down in my ex's town from Dec 15 until the 24th when he wants them for xmas break, and then continue to hang out down there until the end of his visit (during xmas & new years no less) with my other two kids that aren't his, and then drive 1200 miles back. The other option I was given was to have the hearing on Jan 5th. As in I still have to bring the kids for him for the Dec 24-Jan 1st visit and therefore I would have to hang out where ex lives from the 24-Jan 5th. My two kids and I would have to spend our xmas and New Years there and wait until the Jan 5th hearing which also means the kids would miss a week of school because they head back Jan 2nd. Financially this is all impossible. I have no money to drive 1200 miles, no money for a minimum of 2 weeks in a hotel because of the visit and waiting game, food money etc. I still have never received a penny of child support from ex and I'm supposed to cover all the travel? Who the fu$% does this judge think he is to order such insanity? On either side no matter which hearing I choose, the kids would miss a week of school, I would go bankrupt, my xmas holiday would be insanely horrible, I would miss college finals...seriously?! My lawyer told me I have to give my ex the visitation at xmas because he hasn't had them for 4 years worth of xmas(uh, yeah by his choice) and if I don't attend the mandatory settlement hearing I am in contempt of court. Me. In contempt. So any thoughts, ideas????!!!

Don't take the kids. Period. From what you said, he wants the hearing on Dec.15 so that he can have the kids on the 24th? The 15th is almost a full 10 days BEFORE his "visitation".

Go by yourself. Don't play his bull sh!t games.

[Avani]

This whole thing is stupid. Seriously? Yeah lets make the single mom with all the kids who gets no child support from this jacka$$ drive 1200 miles to make the kids available for him. Let's put those kids in the hands of not one, or two, but three convicted drug felons (ex, his mom and her husband). Let's make the single mom use her rent money to come down to settle a divorce agreement that ex continues to refuse to sign. What if I go down there and my ex refuses everything brought to the table. Then I have to stay longer? Yeah, this all makes a whole lotta sense.

[Super~Single~Mama]

I know. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It will all be over soon I hope.

[smeep]

I'll be sending positive vibes and prayers that you get it changed to where you live! I hate to read about your situation because YOU DON'T DESERVE THIS. Of course you know that, but it infuriates me and I don't even know you!

[Avani]

Ok, so we are filing a motion next week to hopefully get the case moved to here. If that frickin judge turns down the request I just don't know what I will do. Technically jurisdiction is supposed to be where the children live and we have been a resident here for 4 years.I'll keep you all updated!

[Avani]

The lawyer I want to retain here where I live to finalize this divorce but also to hopefully switch some of the judgements that were made in the case is $5000. How does one come up with that much money? She is the best in town and never loses which is why I want her. And to make changes to the custody is important. I'm meeting with her next week. How did you all come up with that kind of money. And since it's a retainer did you all typically use up that entire $5000?

[confustication]

I really think you need the jurisdiction changed. That you are having to jump through hoops for this man is not in the kids' best interest. Your lawyer should not have allowed it to go on this long to begin with.

Contact local DV resources about attorney fees, sometimes they have agreements in place with good family law attys. I know that is the case where I am now, and has been where I have lived previously.

[Avani]

So my lawyer went in today ex parte requesting that the hearing on Dec 15, the one where I have to be at, be postponed and the case get moved to where I live. My ex didn't show for the hearing and the judge refused to change the date of the hearing on Dec 15th without my ex there. The judge also told my lawyer that he will more then likely not allow the case to be moved because we are too close to settling?!! We are? Because custody hasn't been established, I get zero child support, and I have never gotten my belongings back. I can not make it to the Dec 15 hearing. Financially there isnt a chance in heck. Plus I don't have anyone to watch all my kids for multiple days (because if ex doesn't agree during the conference then they reschedule and I have to go back) and I think we all know my ex isn't going to agree. I don't know anyone with an open enough schedule and life to transport all my kids back and forth to school and to care for them for many days. So if I don't go to the hearing I will be in contempt. But my ex doesn't show for todays hearing and nothing happens to him. I'm screwed right now. I can't miss my finals, I can't afford the trip (and it will be multiple trips) and I can't leave the kids behind.