Continue caring for my nephew, or stop? (UPDATE post #75) - Page 6

[phathui5]

Today DN was wearing the same clothing he wore yesterday when we came up to see him at GMIL's house (I was helping her find something- she had eye surgery yesterday). He went home with his mother and came back in the same clothing, and I know it wasn't washed because the ketchup stain from lunch was still there.

My kids often wear the same clothes two days in a row (with new underwear!). It has to pass the sniff test, but with the amount of laundry that four kids produce, I don't mind if they are seen wearing the same shirt the next day.

[EdnaMarie]

I don't know what else I could have done in that matter.

You spoke to her to her face first, right? Not just called the police behind her back? As in, "I'm really concerned. I know it seems like an overprotective hassle at times, but you know that death rates actually dropped a lot, right? I bet you could even get reduced cost ones from [insert local charity here]?"

[~savah~]

Originally Posted by WindyCityMom

Thanks for the replies, I agree, there are many things that I need to consider and reconsider and discuss with my husband.

Yesterday, I saw DNs older sister and I mentioned it to him. She told me "Oh gosh, I know, but it's annoying to bathe him because he splashes water all over the place and just wants to play... he's such a troublemaker." So I'm now wondering if his sister is in charge of bathing him and just doesn't.

My husband is going to speak to his grandmother about it, and we hope that she'll get the point across to her daughter (DNs mom).

Today I am caring for my nephew, because GMIL needed the help (still recovering from surgery). I bathed him and changed his clothing into some of DDs g/n things because he was still in the clothing from the other day.

I don't know.. I mean, my daughter has and does wear the same thing twice, but if it is dirty-feeling to the touch I won't make her wear it again, you know? And if she's dirty, I bathe her.

I don't know how harmful not bathing a child is, but would you like to be dirty and not bathed for a week and in soiled clothing for a few days? (The stain is not the issue, the overall state of filth that the clothes were in from being on him for that period of time is the issue.)

How old is dn's sister? Is this really something you should be talking to another child about? I also do not quite understand how wearing dirty clothes, shoes too small and not bathing daily are worse offenses than driving around without car seats. I personally would be much more concerned for those children at least the two year old.

[WindyCityMom]

The older sister is 13 and extremely mature for her age, I was hoping to gain some insight.

The people with the car seats believe that since they grew up without them and are fine, their kids will be fine as well. They are also extremely religious and believe that God will protect them and their children from harm and anything that may happen will be in His plan. (I don't agree with this, but this is what they and other family members have mentioned and it is the rationale for the rest of the members of extended family who also do not use car seats.) They used a bucket seat when the kids were babies but that was because they couldn't sit up and would have gotten into trouble in the car. MIL and I have discussed this deeply and she believes that some members of her family may believe that car seats are to restrain children so they don't get into trouble and jump around in the car, or to hold babies in place- not to protect kids from an accident. Some members of the family (DNs mom, until I had a lengthy discussion) wouldn't tighten their kids in the seats because they worried that they'd become trapped in the car in an accident.

Now, I do not agree with any of this, I'm still RFing my soon to be 3yo. I just feel that I've done what I could in those situations. If the police didn't do anything, there is nothing that I could have done. Talking does not work, stats do not work, video does not work. DH has said that his family lacks common sense. In the past, when I had an extra car seat, I offered it to the mom for her 2yo, she declined. No one cares in DHs family and I think I'm just done. It's not just me, they don't listen to my husband either.

[EdnaMarie]

Your DH's family really takes the cake. I'm sorry. Who doesn't use carseats?!?! The last time I heard that "God will take care of me" thing (it was re: vaccinations) I was in a remote village in Asia. When we asked if God built their house and personally dressed them and planted their crops with His hands, they laughed, but the next day came to sign up for the health program.

[WindyCityMom]

Yeah, unfortunately. I think I just need to be done with his family. It is quite unfortunate because although we both have our faults, DH is such a wonderful person and very unlike his family. Yesterday he asked me if we could move to Idaho

I just feel like I need to cut my "help everyone" attitude in this case and move on with our lives. I feel sick to my stomach because of some of the things I see. I don't want to leave my DN in the dust, especially because he has become so attached to us. I just hope that whatever the future may hold will be in the best interest of all of us.

Thank you everyone for your words of wisdom and advice.

[~savah~]

Originally Posted by WindyCityMom

Yeah, unfortunately. I think I just need to be done with his family. It is quite unfortunate because although we both have our faults, DH is such a wonderful person and very unlike his family. Yesterday he asked me if we could move to Idaho

I just feel like I need to cut my "help everyone" attitude in this case and move on with our lives. I feel sick to my stomach because of some of the things I see. I don't want to leave my DN in the dust, especially because he has become so attached to us. I just hope that whatever the future may hold will be in the best interest of all of us.

Thank you everyone for your words of wisdom and advice.

I think this might be a good idea. You can only do so much especially if the people who you are trying to help aren't receptive. My brother and SIL do a lot of things I wouldn't including using a lbb for my three yo niece. I bought them a carseat and recited the statistics, but it's not something that concerns them so I let it go. We can't parent all the world's children.

[Smithie]

"Yesterday he asked me if we could move to Idaho."

I don't know about Idaho, but yes, it's time for you guys to move somewhere. Two people can't plug a hole in the Titanic, but they can darn well get themselves and their child into a lifeboat without delay!

[WindyCityMom]

Originally Posted by Smithie

"Yesterday he asked me if we could move to Idaho."

I don't know about Idaho, but yes, it's time for you guys to move somewhere. Two people can't plug a hole in the Titanic, but they can darn well get themselves and their child into a lifeboat without delay!

[Polliwog]

Originally Posted by WindyCityMom

My primary concern is that someone else will call DCFS, especially if they're mandated reporters. If the gymnastics coach feels that another parent might call, then the coach might take it into her own hands to call because not calling would be illegal on her part, and she would get in trouble. I'm worried that that might happen. I know that there are people who will call the authorities if you so much as breathe on your child the wrong way- I don't want anyone to see me with a very obviously unbathed child and figure "Oh, she doesn't care about her kids" or "Oh, she doesn't care about her son but cares for her daughters, poor thing" etc.

That's not exactly how being a mandated reporter works. I've been a mandated reporter in many different situations- teacher, education specialist, and foster parent. You are only mandated to report if YOU think there is possible abuse or neglect. There's a lot of gray area when it comes to cleanliness. It's very subjective. I don't think a gymnastics coach would be liable for not reporting a child being dirty, even if someone else did report it. There's just not enough context. It's not like seeing the child with a big burn or blatent malnourishment. Or a preschool teacher who sees the child daily.

I don't know if this child is being truly neglected (to a legal degree.) It happens. Both of my children were removed from their birth homes for neglect. It actually takes a lot for CPS to actually step in.

[Rosebud1]

OP, all I can say is that you need to keep your eyes on the prize and get out of that house as soon as possible. I get that you truly are concerned about your DN, but I imagine it is incredibly stressful to be in such an unhappy and unnurturing environment 24/7. Being a SAHM which I think you are, you and your children literally swim in that environment all day and it can't be good for you (or them), to see evidence of neglect and lack of discipline and poor choices everywhere you look. And since you have little ones yourself, of course you are going to focus on parenting styles and how children are treated/ behaving. That's your world right now.

If I wasn't broke as a joke I would be tempted to send you a dollar for your moving out fund! ; )

Life is to be lived! Pull waaaay back from your DH's family, and just get real busy caring for your own little ones. Love your DN but stay away from the rest. And find a way to get the heck out of there sooner! Great creative in terms of housing you will consider. Because this place, no matter how cheap it is, still seems too 'expensive' for your family. The stress it is putting on you to be in that environment can't be good for your LO's.

[Ldavis24]

Op I just have to say I am thoroughly impressed with you general level of
Composure in general with the whole situation. That said, I think you just need to try
to distinguish between things of real concern (the carseat issues) as opposed to wearing
dirty clothes or not being bathed. I have to admit to feeling guilty when reading your
admonishments about not bathing. Dd is almost 17 months and she only gets bathed once
A week. It has been eight days since her last bath. Yeah she has a little dirt under her
nails but she isn't sweaty and she doesn't smell. She loved to bath and swim all summer
but now she has major bath freakouts and I prefer to not torture her as opposed
To having a squeaky clean kid. She gets her face and hands scrubbed each night but
What you said about it being cruel toucheda nerve with me. Sometimes maybe just
think about what you write because some of the minor stuff just sounded flat out preachy.
It actually retracted from the more pressing concerns

[mamadelbosque]

Yeah, another vote for being concerned about *REAL* issues (ie carseat), and not over stuff thats irrelevant and simple opinion/preference. My boys get a bath, 1-2x a week, on average, and occasionally go much long stretches without. DS1 (3.5) simply hates baths, always has, and its really not worth the screaming and fighting to give him a bath every day. Its really not. DS2 (14 months), gets a bath when ds1 does, or occasionally with me. So, he actually gets bathed more than ds1.

And, tbh, I've gone a solid week to as much as 2 weeks between showers at various points in my life, and I'm quite happy to report that I'm *JUST FINE*. Some of those times were out backpacking/camping, some were while traveling around europe. And I frequently go 2-3, even 4 days between showers even here at home.

[mammal_mama]

OP -- I remember how many upsetting details I got worked up over toward the end of a six month stay at my mom's. It wasn't the exact same situation -- I'm just saying I know what it's like when you're living right in the middle of a really stressful situation.

It's hard to keep our perspective when we can't ever step away. I think you'll find it a lot easier to separate the big stuff from the small stuff when you're out.

By the way, Kansas City is also in the Midwest and I think (but am not sure) that the opportunities here are similar to those in Chicago. Plus the cost of living is a whole lot lower. Just thought I'd mention this city as a place to consider if you're thinking about relocating.

[JudiAU]

[QUOTE=WindyCityMom;15946748]

My DH told me, the other day, "They just don't care. Don't you see a trend in my family? Cousin M (his older cousin who has 3 children, 2, 5, and 8) doesn't use car seats even though they know the risks." I told him "Yes, but although those kids are not safe in their car, they are fed breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and are always in clean clothes and bathed regularly. Their basic needs are being met." QUOTE]

Their basic needs are not being met if they are not properly restrained in a car. They are less safe, overall, then if there hygiene, clothing, and food was substandard. I'd call 911 in a heartbeat if I saw an unrestrainted 2 year old in a car.