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Continue caring for my nephew, or stop? (UPDATE post #75) - Page 3

post #41 of 115
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bluegoat View Post
Well, it sounds to me that they are not giving him affection or attention, are possibly not getting him proper medical care, and aren't paying attention to his personal care. A baby that spends all day locked into a car seat sounds neglected to me.
The OP has no idea what goes on in his home, this is all speculation and judgment. If the child is being abused or neglected the answer is not to come to MDC and talk about. Report them if he is really being neglected. He is two years old, I highly doubt he is spending all day in a car seat and you have no idea if he is not getting medical care or personal care.
post #42 of 115
Quote:
Originally Posted by cycle View Post
The OP has no idea what goes on in his home, this is all speculation and judgment. If the child is being abused or neglected the answer is not to come to MDC and talk about. Report them if he is really being neglected. He is two years old, I highly doubt he is spending all day in a car seat and you have no idea if he is not getting medical care or personal care.
Have you read all the posts by the OP?
post #43 of 115
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bluegoat View Post
Have you read all the posts by the OP?
Of course. As I said, she has no idea what goes on in his house, she is making a lot of judgmental assumptions because she does not agree with their parenting. If I am wrong and her dn is being neglected and is in danger then coming her to talk about it is not the way to help him. You seriously don't see the judgments in her posts?
post #44 of 115
As far as her husband being embarrassed. I've been embarrassed by other people's kids. I have two daycare sisters, and I have bought clothes to keep here in case we go somewhere. I can dress them in those clothes instead of taking them out in what they come over wearing.

I had a daycare boy many years ago that always had a weepy eye. I was afraid that people would think he was mine, and I just didn't care that he had pink eye. (it wasn't even pink eye) I wanted to make him a T-shirt that said "YES, my mom knows I have a goopy eye."

I had another boy who looked JUST like a very, beautiful girl. People would say to me "Oh, she went in the men's room" , or "Oh, she lost one of her earrings". I was actually more embarrassed FOR him than of him, but I still felt a little twinge.

I can totally imagine feeling embarrassed if people think I have no way to deal with my own son when he's having a meltdown.
post #45 of 115
Quote:
Originally Posted by cycle View Post
Of course. As I said, she has no idea what goes on in his house, she is making a lot of judgmental assumptions because she does not agree with their parenting. If I am wrong and her dn is being neglected and is in danger then coming her to talk about it is not the way to help him. You seriously don't see the judgments in her posts?
Assuming the OP isn't just lying for some bizarre reason, no, I don't think she is making assumptions. Leaving a baby alone all day with someone busy drinking and ignoring the baby was the kind of thing she described. I dd not get the impression she was assuming that was happening - it sounds like she is involved in her nephews daily life. And yes, I judge the parenting of someone who does things like she described.

There is always a line between bad parenting, neglect, and criminal neglect, and it doesn't sound like this is the latter - which makes involving the authorities difficult or non-productive. But it does sound like one of the former, and I understand why she feels like she wants to do something, and struggles with her role.
post #46 of 115
There are red flags all over the place in her description of him. If it were her own child and she were asking what to do, I'd suggest an eval. I don't hear any judgment coming from the OP, just concern and caring.

I really feel for her -- it's a tough situation. The reality is that there isn't much she or her DH can do.
post #47 of 115
OP, I can understand not feeling like it's right to redress someone else's child when he is with you. I'm just saying that I feel your dilemma, because I'm woman enough to acknowledge that it would embarrass me to have onlookers thinking that I took proper care of my two daughters and then dressed my son in ill-fitting shoes and inappropriate clothing.

I'm sure that you and your dh will reach some sort of workable solution, and I'm very glad that he's clarified what he meant when he said he was embarrassed. I'd suspected it went a little deeper than what he'd said originally.

I speak here as a mama who, years before when I took my young niece to a park, felt embarrassed when she was playing with some other kids near her age and they were all clearly in regular underwear and speaking clearly, while her pullup was sticking up above her waist-band and she was talking baby-talk.

I'm ashamed to admit here that I actually volunteered the information to the other moms that "She's not my daughter, she's my niece" and I'm sure they were, like, what do we care?

Now that I'm a mother, and understand how normal it is for kids to have these wide variations in development, I realize how silly it was for me to be embarrassed to be seen with a small child in a pullup.

I wasn't the least bit embarrassed when my oldest decided that she preferred wearing diapers until she was almost 4 1/2. I honestly didn't care if others thought I was crazy to allow it. There is just a huge difference between mothering our own children and trying to mother someone else's.

I mean, I suppose some folks who'd seen me all those years ago feeling "embarrassed" might have said something along the lines of, "I hope she never has children of her own, and, if she does, I feel so sorry for those kids" -- but I did learn and grow and I think we all can. I think the first step is being honest about our feelings and working through them. Sometimes you have to name it to deal with it.
post #48 of 115
I haven't read the entire thread yet, but between the OP here and your thread about the shoes, I'd say you almost have an obligation to keep caring for him. (Of course, that is subjective, and judgmental, and totally up to you to do what is right for your family. I say that b/c *I* would feel obligated... I don't mean to say you HAVE to, as I'm sure there are lots of other details that may make it not so clear.)

Anyway, I think it would be great for him to have you in his life, as you and DH and DD seem to be the only family he has with good heads on your shoulders. Do you know for sure if his delays are due to whatever parenting practices/lack thereof he has been exposed to or to congenital conditions? If it's just bad parenting, I wouldn't be letting him "get away" with behavior that's not acceptable for your own kid. No, you can't have the same expectations for him as they are two different people, but you can set limits and start teaching him no hitting, etc. just as he doesn't talk, but DD is teaching him words.

Someone has to advocate for this boy. It would be a shame to let him languish in a neglectful/uninvolved/however you want to characterize it environment just b/c some stranger might think you're a bad parent when he has a public meltdown. Stay with him, watch him learn and grow, and the heck with what strangers say/think.
post #49 of 115
Quote:
Originally Posted by savithny View Post

If the OP is planning more kids with this man, this is concerning. Because there are no guarantees in this world, and just because your first child is rational and verbally advanced doesn't mean the next one will be. And AP and GD and natural parenting do not prevent a couple from having a high needs child with verbal delays or sensory issues that trigger tantrums and physical outbursts.
Oh, come on.

Unless they magically birth a 2-year-old with special needs who has been raised without compassion and structure, it's not a valid issue, and it's pretty unkind to suggest he's a bad father to his own potential-future-offspring because he's fed up dealing with someone else's kid..
post #50 of 115
Thread Starter 
Totally.

Now, about the concern of abuse/neglect... YES he was left with an old man drinking much of the time. This all went on upstairs from me, and I had just gone back to work. I had my MIL, FIL, SIL, and DH caring for my DD (whoever was available). No one else took charge to care for my DN, because he needed "time with his grandparents". They love him, but cannot adequately care for him. When DN was younger he was rarely bathed, it was bad, I did speak to the parents and other family members, and if DN came to visit us we'd seriously sneak him a bath. I can get away without bathing my youngest for a few days, because she's a fairly clean kiddo and isn't sweaty and gets dry skin with too much bathing. My DN was a very sweaty baby, and being left alone in a car seat with a bottle of formula propped up and left to dribble all over you doesn't exactly = clean. Not sure if it was in this thread or the last that I mentioned that DH and I had to buy him clothes because his clothing wasn't being changed for days. Things are better in that regard now, but the clothes don't fit and he isn't dressed for the weather. He is bathed regularly for the most part, although he does come to us occasionally and feel "greasy" (and you can tell the difference between a freshly bathed DN and a not so freshly bathed DN). I don't want (and didn't want) to get authorities involved because I believe it's a "The devil you know is better than the devil you don't" scenario. If we can advocate for him, hopefully things can and will get better for him.

We have decided to continue caring for him, and I have decided that I'll go upstairs and grit my teeth with my MIL and GMIL (toxic people that I'm trying to stay away from, mostly just MIL) and let DD spend time with DN. Maybe if I'm there more, I'll be able to help him out more. It just breaks my heart when he inevitably misbehaves and the "person in charge" yells at him and hits him. My husband told me that we need to read up on ways to deal with DNs agression, violence, meltdowns, etc. as well as find ways to engage him because he's a lot different than my DD

Right now, I'm spending money I don't have on him- I have to buy him a car seat for when he's with us, because his mom refuses to buy him a new one and refuses to get here a little early on the days he goes to gymnastics so that I can uninstall his current one (which she has no idea how to uninstall- and it takes awhile because of the placement of their tether anchor). They were like "Oh, well I guess he can't go to gymnastics". I'm not going to let my dn be deprived of that experience. I have to buy him clothing when he's not properly dressed, also.

I think it's unfair to say that I'm JUST judging (and unfairly doing so at that). Wouldn't you judge in this situation? To parents who go and party and leave their son all the time with people who cannot adequately care for him? Would you leave your child with people who were drunk and not "all there" to go and party? Would you take him with you to be around drugs and alcohol, instead? My DN is deprived of emotional attention, and it is extremely apparent.

I have been talking with another family member about this (married into the family, she;s my MILs SIL) and she has two sons with sensory-seeking SPD. She thinks that my DN is sensory seeking, based on what she is dealing with when it comes to her two sons. Without an EI eval, though, it's impossible to know for sure. She rarely comes around our house because of the toxic people here, but she wants me to keep her posted. We might set up a play date with her to see if she knows how to talk to DN and work with him.. she might be able to give me some pointers.

Right now I am looking for ideas and tools on how to help my DN, how to redirect him, how to even get his attention (one of our biggest issues is that he ignores you, and my DD has taken to ignoring us because she doesn't understand it) and how to foster his development in a healthy way.
post #51 of 115
When you move (: that it ends up being sooner than you hope), if you were willing to take it on, I bet you could get your nephew placed with you for fostering if you did report things.
post #52 of 115
Quote:
Originally Posted by cycle View Post
Of course. As I said, she has no idea what goes on in his house, she is making a lot of judgmental assumptions because she does not agree with their parenting. If I am wrong and her dn is being neglected and is in danger then coming her to talk about it is not the way to help him. You seriously don't see the judgments in her posts?
You know, I feel the OP comes across as judgmental, but also just reading the facts, this child does seem in to be in a rather unsupportive home environment (to say the least). To suggest that she's just judging them... I dunno. Seems like she's trying to help.

Quote:
it's pretty unkind to suggest he's a bad father to his own potential-future-offspring because he's fed up dealing with someone else's kid..
No kidding. I really dislike taking care of other people's children for long periods of time but I do love my children. I would not want to be a carer, full-time, for a special needs child. Sorry, not my calling. But if I had one I know I would step up and do what needed to be done, out of love.
post #53 of 115
Quote:
Originally Posted by EdnaMarie View Post
No kidding. I really dislike taking care of other people's children for long periods of time but I do love my children. I would not want to be a carer, full-time, for a special needs child. Sorry, not my calling. But if I had one I know I would step up and do what needed to be done, out of love.
Plus it's one thing to care for your own child with special needs whom you've loved from birth (or from when you finally got to adopt them) who has clothes that fit and has gotten a reasonable amount of bathing, and going out and about with someone else's child when they obviously need to bathe and have too small clothes and are complaining about their shoes which are visibly making it harder for them to walk. In one case, you look a parent doing their best with a child they love, in the other you look like a parent neglecting a kid who already has enough troubles in life.

If I were the OP and/or her dh, I would've been saying stuff AGES ago like "uh oh, DN, your coat's too small, we better tell your mommy" or "DD, can you please hold Cousin DN's hand?" Stuff to make it obvious it wasn't my fault the kid didn't look cared for.
post #54 of 115
Quote:
Originally Posted by ErinYay View Post
Oh, come on.

Unless they magically birth a 2-year-old with special needs who has been raised without compassion and structure, it's not a valid issue, and it's pretty unkind to suggest he's a bad father to his own potential-future-offspring because he's fed up dealing with someone else's kid..
Compassion and structure don't prevent sensory processing issues.

THey don't prevent all meltdowns. They don't prevent frustration hitting or biting. They don't prevent hating having your hair washed, brushed, or cut. They don't prevent hating clothes that are tight around the waist, or clothes with buttons, or long sleeves (even in January), or short sleeves (even in August). They don't prevent hating having your nose blown so much that you pitch a 30-minute fit when you see a tissue. They don't prevent hating having your shoes tied, or your face washed, or having certain things touch your hands.

So yeah. Compassion and structure go a long way, but I recommend that every parent -- even the most attached and compassionate -- hold off on any self-congratulatory "My kids will never be like that because I will raise them right" back-patting until they are done having kids. Because the only realistic way you can be sure your kids won't be the ones with the wild, uncombed hair, having the huge public meltdown? Is to be done having more kids.
post #55 of 115
Quote:
Originally Posted by EdnaMarie View Post
You know, I feel the OP comes across as judgmental, but also just reading the facts, this child does seem in to be in a rather unsupportive home environment (to say the least). To suggest that she's just judging them... I dunno. Seems like she's trying to help.



No kidding. I really dislike taking care of other people's children for long periods of time but I do love my children. I would not want to be a carer, full-time, for a special needs child. Sorry, not my calling. But if I had one I know I would step up and do what needed to be done, out of love.
If a baby was being cared for by someone who was drunk right upstairs from me and she knew about as she says she did, I would do something about it, not come here and gossip about it. If I felt ing that the baby was continually be neglected by everyone in the family, aside from OP, and he is showing signs of that neglect, I would do something about it. I am not sure we are getting a clear account of what is actually going on, I think the OP may be assuming a lot and embellishing a bit based on being judgmental of her dn's parents, as she has clearly said she is.
post #56 of 115
I think you should keep caring for him. Is his delay in language or in his abilities? Kids who are spoken to in two languages often have a delay at first because they have to process the language there is more processing and decision making required. Once they get the hang of both languages there are many benefits and you can't tell there ever was a delay. It may be that he is just having a hard time processing the language, especially if there is a lot more language than he is used to hearing at home or from other people. I think you should try keeping your words redirection and talk simple and to the point without extra stuff that he has to process. Many kids that age who speak only one language don't process all of the rambling adults do and they are off again quickly if you aren't to the point so I really don't think that signals anything either.
post #57 of 115
Quote:
Originally Posted by cycle View Post
If a baby was being cared for by someone who was drunk right upstairs from me and she knew about as she says she did, I would do something about it, not come here and gossip about it. If I felt ing that the baby was continually be neglected by everyone in the family, aside from OP, and he is showing signs of that neglect, I would do something about it. I am not sure we are getting a clear account of what is actually going on, I think the OP may be assuming a lot and embellishing a bit based on being judgmental of her dn's parents, as she has clearly said she is.
OP is living in her IL's basement (illegal apartment, still paying rent). Her MIL does stuff like knock on her window at 2am, and there are other major boundary issues.

I think the OP should definitely call, but should do it after getting her own place. Which is in the works and last I read due to happen within the year.
post #58 of 115
Quote:
Originally Posted by sapphire_chan View Post
OP is living in her IL's basement (illegal apartment, still paying rent). Her MIL does stuff like knock on her window at 2am, and there are other major boundary issues.

I think the OP should definitely call, but should do it after getting her own place. Which is in the works and last I read due to happen within the year.
IMO a neglected child, as OP describes her dn is, is more important than what is going on with the adults in the family. So the OP needs to protect herself and not make waves at the expense of a child that she so adamantly believes is being neglected? Something is wrong with that situation.
post #59 of 115
I get that for some people calling CPS is worse than leaving a child to be abused, but I'll never understand that.

If the OP refuses to call CPS for extreme neglect because she doesn't want to make waves or endanger her own situation, then I think it's hardly fair to deflect that onto the husband for making a (perhaps not the most kindly phrased) comment about his frustration and worry about appearing in public with a neglected, unkempt child.

To me, to be really blunt, it's the former that is FAR more offensive than the latter.

If you refuse to take the next step in getting a child help, when by your own admission, things are not and will not improve--then to me you lose your moral license to get huffy over people worrying about appearances.
post #60 of 115
Quote:
Originally Posted by cycle View Post
I think you need to stop diagnosing your dn, you have no idea if he has actual delays, you are speculating and have no medical basis to make such claims. There is a huge difference between an almost 3 year old girl and a just turned two year old boy. Boys are different and typically development language later than girls. I think your dn sounds like a typical high energy boy, testing limits and, well, acting like a two year old. It is clear that you feel you have superior parenting skills to most, but it is not up to you to "save" everyone's children. If you can't handle your dn, don't keep him anymore but don't make unfounded assumptions about his development and diagnose him with special needs.
I agree about the gender and age differences, but the lack of eye contact is concerning. Also, she's around him a lot & probably has just given us a snapshot description of this kid. Her gut is telling her that something is wrong here.
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