How did you know she was "the one"?

[sbrinton]

As my husband and I are nearly done with our paper chase, and since we are the first family in our agencies pilot program, we're getting closer to talking about specific children. I'm interested in stories about how you were matched with your child. How did you know he or she was "the one"? :-) Or how did you decide to say yes or no?

What was the blend between reason (thinking through what you want) and emotions (just feeling it was right)?

[Sierra]

I've never been in a program where the match process was like that. But let me tell you something that may or may not be helpful regarding what my match experience actually was...specifically with dd.

We received a photo of dd in our initial meeting with the state social worker about the possibility of a placement. I didn't know how to react to the picture. With ds, placement took place in a matter of a couple of hours and there was no photo. With all of my foster children, too, of course, there was no photo. So there we were, and the social worker hands me this photo of dd, and I can tell she is just waiting for us to fall in love.

dd was a very cute little baby...the type that people say that weird "she's a Gerber baby" thing about...yes, people really have said that to us. And when I looked at the picture, I thought "what a cute little baby." But it felt like I was looking at a picture of somebody else's baby, which looking back makes a lot of sense pyschologically, as that's what she was at that time. Anyway, I actually worried about that for a while. I kept thinking that the initial reaction had some importance. I kept wanting to know that I had a "the one" moment with her...if not with her photo, than with the information we received about her, or in our first moments together. Instead, we had a very logical process of deciding to ask for her placement with us, and in our first moments together she was distressed about going off with us.

What I got, instead of a single "the one" moment with her, was a billion little "the one" moments with her over several years. It doesn't make her any less "the one" (or should I say us "the one" for her).

[Diane B]

We were the next "in line" and so we were matched with the next girl child that our agency had available. We were free to say "no" of course, but we didn't. Our daughter was an adorable baby, by the way, and beautiful in her photo, but I don't think we would have said no unless there was some obvious special need we weren't prepared to handle.

The connection between us isn't magical, destined or miraculous. It happened day by day, hour by hour, built from the countless interactions between mother and child. And it's always a work in progress.

I was grateful we weren't presented with a line-up of photos or videos of children and asked to pick one. I can't imagine how one would do that.

[RedOakMomma]

Originally Posted by Diane B

We were the next "in line" and so we were matched with the next girl child that our agency had available. We were free to say "no" of course, but we didn't. Our daughter was an adorable baby, by the way, and beautiful in her photo, but I don't think we would have said no unless there was some obvious special need we weren't prepared to handle.

The connection between us isn't magical, destined or miraculous. It happened day by day, hour by hour, built from the countless interactions between mother and child. And it's always a work in progress.

I was grateful we weren't presented with a line-up of photos or videos of children and asked to pick one. I can't imagine how one would do that.

This was our experience, too...just being in line, and getting matched. And YES to the myth of the magical connection. Our connection was built, slowly over time.

[sagewinna]

We are going to our agency next week to look at the book of available children, and I am worried about being overwhelmed by pictures and such. We also can be contacted by our worker if a child comes up that is within our perameters The people who have been waiting longer have passed. I'd almost rather just wait!

[SundayCrepes]

We adopted a newborn domestically.

On Monday I stuffed envelopes to send to obstetricians asking them to help us match with an emom. While I was stuffing, I was singing lullabies to the baby we hoped to adopt. I had been doing that for months. It always felt so hollow. Yet as I stuffed envelopes and sang, it felt different. It felt like when I was pregnant and singing to my son. I felt like the baby could hear me.

On Wed. my husband said, "I feel a change coming on," and he cut off his hair (something he does whenever he feels or needs a change.) I asked if the change was a baby. He said he didn't know, he just felt a change coming.

On Thursday I decided I better organize baby stuff (2.75 years of baby stuff was in random bags stuffed in a closet.) My thinking was, "I suppose it's always possible we could suddenly get a baby. This is such a mess. I'd need it organized for a sudden baby."

On Sunday we got a phone call. 4.5 hours later I was nursing our 6 hour old daughter. My feelings when I first saw her were the same as when they laid my bioson on my chest, "Who is this baby? This is SOOOO surreal."

When we met her, it wasn't an "Oh this is OUR baby" event. But it wasn't that way with my bioson either. However, everything leading up to her entering our life sure felt meant to be. BTW, I found out I was pregnant with my son the Thursday before mother's day. As we were finishing up our homestudy for adoption, we were nearing mother's day. I really wanted to find out we were certified on the Thursday before mother's day. However, the social worker didn't get it to the court until Tuesday and there was a typical turn around time of 2 weeks. Bummer, but whatever. I just felt like court certification is the equivalent of a positive pregnancy test. You've got a good shot at getting a baby, but it still might not happen. On the Tuesday AFTER mother's day, I get a message from our social worker. The judge had signed our certification on the Thursday before mother's day. Coincidence? Maybe. But it sure was/is exciting to me that two of the most important days in my life happened on the Thursday before mother's day.

[heatherdeg]

Originally Posted by Diane B

We were the next "in line" and so we were matched with the next girl child that our agency had available. We were free to say "no" of course, but we didn't. Our daughter was an adorable baby, by the way, and beautiful in her photo, but I don't think we would have said no unless there was some obvious special need we weren't prepared to handle.

The connection between us isn't magical, destined or miraculous. It happened day by day, hour by hour, built from the countless interactions between mother and child. And it's always a work in progress.

I was grateful we weren't presented with a line-up of photos or videos of children and asked to pick one. I can't imagine how one would do that.

This was our experience. We were working with the state and we were chosen as the match for our daughter. Having been a foster parent, we knew that the bond could potentially not build until the child had been with us for a few months. So we had a set of very objective questions and accepted her having never even seen her. They sent us authorization to see her in the hospital (she was a SafeHaven baby and we got the call when she was 7 days old & she came home with us at 12 days old).

When we saw her, it was just a known thing that she was our daughter--but less because we felt this overwhelming love and more that we just knew that we were matched and legally would take her home. There was no instantaneous connection (although I have to say that when her eyes locked on our bio son through the viewing window of the nursery, dh & I felt a little ping of "she's going to do just fine"). She came home and she just "became" ours over time. But again--having fostered infants, we knew that it could take time.

I'm kinda glad we didn't have pictures. I always felt that if we saw pictures, we would dismiss a match on feelings based (on some level) of what we thought "looked" like "our" child (not in terms of matching tones/complexions, just that we'd feel a connection to the photo)--and could've been a wrong decision. We made our decision based on the facts that we could live with in terms of her situation & what they knew of her health & history (which was pretty limited).

She's about to turn 2yo now and we absolutely could not be happier. She's a beautiful, well-attached, precocious 2yo with a fiery streak and a LOT of sass. She and my 6yo son are a mutual admiration society--especially around 7pm when she gets into her "attacking with love" maul sessions with him. I don't think she was a particularly beautiful newborn, but man--is she a stunning child.

[pumpkingirl71]

I am very leary of any feeling that a child is "the one." I felt like my daughter was the one, but then her very intense behaviors made me resentful of that feeling. I remember feeling relief when dharmamama said she felt the same way.

I agree with others that the feeling of a bond with your child should grow over time

[sbrinton]

Maybe we're in an unsual situation. We are the first in a pilot program with our agency in Uganda. This means we are the first paper ready family and there are five orphanages working with the agency. There is a line of children waiting and there are no other paper ready adoptive parents. This means we do have to pick.

There is one little girl who fits what we asked for in our homestudy. She is 16 months old, HIV+ but still mostly healthy at this point. This is all fine with us, although the age is somewhat closer to our bio son that we had planned. He's just about 2. But I think we've accepted that adopting a toddler and having the two of them close in age would be okay. I just don't know how to proceed. I feel like if we look at her full information, I will have a very hard time saying no.

But it is also really scary to say yes. We've really thought through the HIV+ question and we feel prepared to parent a child with HIV, but it still feels really huge to say yes to all of those unknowns.

[Sierra]

I feel like this is one of those questions for the MDC "Ask an Intuitive" .

[sbrinton]

We're not much for intuitives, but we're definitely praying. We've known what was the right thing to do all along and I trust this will be the same...

It's just hard. Most families who have children with special needs did not sign up for those needs. It's hard to choose something that we know will be hard, even if we feel prepared. It's hard to think about the challenges our daughter will face. But it's worse to think about a little girl dying when she could have lived, or about a little girl growing up without a mom and a dad.

[gumshoegirl007]

We first found our kids online and when I saw them, I knew they were ours. All we had at that time was a photo and a brief bio.

We filled out our first whack of paperwork - as they could have been located anywhere in the province - only to talk to the first social worker and find out that they lived in the same city as us. This was the first coincidence. We were then talking with a colleague about these kids we were interested in, and it turns out she was their foster mom. This was the second coincidence, which further confirmed for me that these kids were ours.

Turns out that their adoption social worker also agreed . We adopted our sibling pair via a child-specific match (and were apparently picked from over 50 parents who had expressed interest in their pair). It was a challenging transition - and on and off again throughout the process - but nine months after the match we brought them home.

[RedOakMomma]

Originally Posted by sbrinton

We're not much for intuitives, but we're definitely praying. We've known what was the right thing to do all along and I trust this will be the same...

It's just hard. Most families who have children with special needs did not sign up for those needs. It's hard to choose something that we know will be hard, even if we feel prepared. It's hard to think about the challenges our daughter will face. But it's worse to think about a little girl dying when she could have lived, or about a little girl growing up without a mom and a dad.

Have you spoken to parents (both adoptive and biological) of children who have this condition or need? As a mom to a SN kid, I think it would be really valuable to have had candid conversations with people who were 1, 2, 10, or more years ahead of me in raising a child with that specific special need. It's sobering, and you might not want to hear or believe what you hear, but it's important -- especially if this is a life choice you're making, not just a random placement (or birth) of a child with needs.

[Sierra]

Originally Posted by sbrinton

We're not much for intuitives, but we're definitely praying.

I said it with a wink because I wouldn't probably either.

[heatherdeg]

Originally Posted by sbrinton

Maybe we're in an unsual situation. We are the first in a pilot program with our agency in Uganda. This means we are the first paper ready family and there are five orphanages working with the agency. There is a line of children waiting and there are no other paper ready adoptive parents. This means we do have to pick.

There is one little girl who fits what we asked for in our homestudy. She is 16 months old, HIV+ but still mostly healthy at this point. This is all fine with us, although the age is somewhat closer to our bio son that we had planned. He's just about 2. But I think we've accepted that adopting a toddler and having the two of them close in age would be okay. I just don't know how to proceed. I feel like if we look at her full information, I will have a very hard time saying no.

But it is also really scary to say yes. We've really thought through the HIV+ question and we feel prepared to parent a child with HIV, but it still feels really huge to say yes to all of those unknowns.

You clearly have some level of objective criteria to go by. Was HIV+ something you were okay with? Because if so, then this little girl appears to meet your criteria. Not to say that it's not scary to take on a special need, just that if HIV+ was not on your list of things you could live with--then I would pass on it. But it was on the list of things you could live with, so if you just feel you should have "a feeling", I would move forward. But that's just me. The most connected feeling you'll feel is not likely to happen for many months after they're in your home. That's a scary thought, but it's true.

In truth, even those of us called because "we were next in line" had to choose, too. When they called me for my daughter, it was the third match from the state. If you say "No", you're still next in line--they just move down the line until they find a home for the child you said "no" to and call you next time. It's not like it's a one-shot deal, ya know?

So here's a little girl that fits your profile.

You either have to find a way to get the confidence about parenting an HIV+ child or maybe take it off your "okay" list. I agree with ROM--find other parents in this position but several years ahead of you.

But if it's that "tingle" you think should be there, I think that's more an exception than the rule, IME.

[christophersmom]

Originally Posted by RedOakMomma

Have you spoken to parents (both adoptive and biological) of children who have this condition or need? As a mom to a SN kid, I think it would be really valuable to have had candid conversations with people who were 1, 2, 10, or more years ahead of me in raising a child with that specific special need.

I wrote a post the other day but my machine ate it. Now I feel with this quote even more appropriate to my answer from before.
Our first call was a boy with sickle cell. My first thought was yeah, we can do that. I decided to call my MIL and her sister to talk about the situation as my DH's cousin has sickle cell. They both thought, no way would they choose to deal with this. And, it could be way worse than I imagined because I always see the happy smiling cousin and he never seems in pain. But, I never saw him in the hospital writhing in pain, never saw him during one of his attacks. Never got to see that he couldn't play the sports he wanted to. They said something that hit home. He would have a brother (my DS) just one year older that is super athletic and active and would always see what he couldn't do. He would always be in his shadow and never get to do the things DS does, like ride BMX, play basketball, etc.
We did opt to say no and I was so worried that we wouldn't get another call and it was so hard to say no. But, as I sat at my desk pondering that call, the SW called me about DD.
I listened to the details and just sensed she was it. DH said yes right away. It was a likely adoption situation and they would only move her to us if we intended to adopt. They gave us the opportunity to meet her before deciding and we declined, I knew I wouldn't say no to a 5 month old baby upon seeing her. So we got to take custody of her sooner by deciding not to meet her.
It was really hard to say no to the boy, but I truly feel like he wasn't the right one for us and we weren't the right family for him. I tell my SW they picked the perfect child for our family.

[Leatherette]

I was "gone" with one picture. She had a lot more health and potential developmental issues than we originally thought we were ready for, but the picture ended up being right - she is the one! And I am saying this 7 years later - the honeymoon is over, and we are still completely gaga for this little lady.