When family/friends don't get that your bank acct isn't looking so hot - Page 3

[phathui5]

Say it with me, "With dh being unemployed, we don't have extra money." Repeat as necessary.

[matthia]

Omagod, I was JUST talking about this the other day.

I have a childhood best friend who I've fallen out of best friendhood with but we still keep in touch and talk and in the last few years have started closing the gap. However, one of the main reasons we drifted apart was because I moved to Vancouver Island (bc, canada) and she moved to Maui. So fast forward a few years and we both get engaged in the same year. She invites me to her wedding, I invite her to mine. Her wedding is 3 months before mine in Maui. I got SO much flack from her and her brothers about not being able to make it. I mean, I spent an ENTIRE night trying to defend myself against her two older brothers and the "I still have to pay for my wedding in a few months" arguement was met with "well, whatever, it's only like 600$ round trip right now." Um, ok, but that;s like damn near half my entire wedding budget thank you very much.
She was able to come to my wedding, but part of that was the fact that I had my wedding in our home town, where her parents live, where she was bringing her new husband to visit at the same time I was getting married.

She still brings it up and makes all sorts of remarks about how we should really visit her in Maui sometime soon. um, ok, sure, nevermind the single income, the new baby, and the accumulated debt that needs to be paid off first.

The most annoying this is that my husband and I have been working for the last 8 years straight (the length of our relationship), both of us. And we're financially responsible. But as far as I know, my friend hasn;t had a steady job for a while and while her husband works, he's a labourer....How in the hell do they have the money for all these trips?!?

[celestialdreamer]

Oh I can totally relate to this thread. We have literally a zero $ spending budget. I have so called "friends" that have given me guilt trips about not getting a family membership to the YMCA (its "only" $100 a month) or putting the kids in soccer, ballet, etc. Or asking if I want to go out for dinner and drinks twice a month as a mom's night out. All those things sound like fun, but there is no way I can afford any of that. We pay bills (nothing extra at all) and then leftovers go to gas and groceries. That is all there is. If I buy a cup of tea for knitting night it comes out of grocery money.

What is funny is one of these people has a DH that was unemployed for a good portion of last year. I seriously don't think we are speaking the same language at times.

[mamadelbosque]

s Yeah, even my dad *who we live with* and you would kinda think would realize we're low on cash has occasionally made comments like 'so just get it fixed - its only $200/300' (or whatever) - mostly in relation to our cars. And then all you can say is 'but theres only $150-200 in the bank...' and they all just kinda look at you like 'what? you don't have $XX??' like its freaking crazy.

Honestly, I am just *SO* relieved that DH is working again. And I've decided that I just need to go drive around to various places and drop off my resume/cover letter/references list and say 'hey, if you can use me, give me a call' (I'm a former horsebarn director/wrangler/environmental educator... theres like 6 or 7 residential camps w/in driving distances to us, whose websites I keep checking for openings, but nothing... but as noted I've decided I just need to print off my resume and go say 'hi').

[mnnice]

Originally Posted by celestialdreamer

Oh I can totally relate to this thread. We have literally a zero $ spending budget. I have so called "friends" that have given me guilt trips about not getting a family membership to the YMCA (its "only" $100 a month) or putting the kids in soccer, ballet, etc. Or asking if I want to go out for dinner and drinks twice a month as a mom's night out. All those things sound like fun, but there is no way I can afford any of that. We pay bills (nothing extra at all) and then leftovers go to gas and groceries. That is all there is. If I buy a cup of tea for knitting night it comes out of grocery money.

What is funny is one of these people has a DH that was unemployed for a good portion of last year. I seriously don't think we are speaking the same language at times.

OT--I have been not so much insulted as a bit frustrated with people thinking we must be on the verge of financial ruin because DH was unemployed for about 18 months when in reality we were just fine. I would mention in conversation that DH was home and people would act like somebody had died or something (he was laid off with a generous severance from a job he hated so quite the opposite of a huge loss). The reality was that while there was lots uncertainty about what to do there was never any finaicial stress. When I would make comments to that effect we were doing fine I don't think people always believed it either.

[pearl2]

Oh no, Martini-gate!

And another top-shelf tactic:

"You must be behind the times! Being frugal and financially responsible is sooo trendy! You must not be very 'with it.'"


I seriously would pull out Benjamin Franklin wig/glasses costume (homemade of course) from my thrifted bag and start spouting aphorisms if people wouldn't listen to me explain that I had no money. That *might* get their attention.

[texmati]

Originally Posted by ameliabedelia

I've been on both sides of the fence. We've had times where we didn't think twice about spending $30 or $40 on a night out, and times where we've agonized for $3. I will say that unless you've been in a situation where money is really tight, you really don't get it. I know I didn't. I totally didn't understand how some people wouldn't have $15 or $20 or whatever. And, then our situation changed and my husband went back to school, and I totally get it.

This. I sometimes read thread on mdc, (say a tao thread about clothes) and wonder-- is 20 dollars to me what 100 dollars is like to them? Or 5 dollars is like to them?

It's difficult to relate on both sides.

[blake201]

Oh, big hugs! I HATE that pressure. Part of the problem is that MOST people in the US spend beyond their means--I think I read that the average family has $9,000 in credit card debt. They're not really facing reality themselves (and don't want to), so of course they don't understand when other folks are on a strict budget.

When we were first attacking our debt and getting frugal I remember going out with group of friends who wanted to go to a $20/person restaurant (!) and tried to suggest we go to a much cheaper but quite nice $7/person place across the street... and a friend's boyfriend (who I KNOW was in debt himself) said "well, YOU can go there if you want!" (My friend broke up with him later, thankfully, and her new boyfriend is just as happy coming over for home-cooked dinner and a movie rental!)

I find that right now we can just use having a small baby as our excuse for not going out much and just having people over or going to the park or for walks. I'm also working and breastfeeding, so when people invite me to non-baby-friendly events I just tell them I'm not comfortable spending any time at all away from baby than I already have to. But I don't know what we'll do later when we start getting that pressure again...

[MissedMyDecade]

Originally Posted by UberMama

Anyone else find this as frustrating as I do?

DH has been unemployed for awhile. He's looking for a job but nadda so far. I have been a SAHM, though I was just hired to start a job next week.

We've told friends and family that have asked us to do this or that that we aren't doing so hot financially. They KNOW this to some extent, since we haven't had regular income in 1.5 years.

My BFF keeps bothering me to go out to dinner/drinks with her. I'd love to go but it ends up costing $30 between food and drinks for me alone. Even if I just go and have water and say chips and salsa, that's still gas money plus $5-10.

My IL's are going to the beach this weekend for an event and have asked us to go. They'd have room in their yurt for us, so no lodging expenses. But even if I pack food, we'd still spend $50 roundtrip on gas and probably at least $10-$20 on some food or misc items that we'll end up needing possibly. I told MIL today, we just can't do it. We CAN do it, but we are really watching our money.

But everyone keeps getting so upset when I explain that we can't. I tell them I'd love to go, they tell me I deserve a mini-vacation or a break (I agree, lol!) but they still don't seem to grasp the idea that we can't do it due to finances. This coming from people that have had to scrimp and save themselves in very difficult times.



Vent over. If you read all of this, good on you. LOL!

Why don't you invite this BFF over? I'm seeing a lot of people mention staying in and hanging out around the house. Why don't you have a little get together and anybody coming brings a dish/form of entertainment with them? Do it after the kids go to bed and it'll still feel like going out a little.