MIL favoring one child over another

[mkksmom]

WWYD in this situation? My MIL is a kind of quirky person. She means well for the most part, but she does things that leave me puzzled. We've worked through a long list of issues with her trying to control our parenting decisions, and we are definitely making progress and finding ways to compromise.

For 5 years, my older dd was the only grandchild in her life. She loves to shop for her- for anything really. Last year, our second dd joined our family, and things just aren't even. Every holiday or occasion, she buys 3 or 4 times more for my older dd than she does for my 1 YO. I think she does it because she doesn't want my older dd to feel jealous, but I can't be sure. She definitely favors her other 2 kids over my dh and buys them 2, 3 or 4 times as much as she buys my dh. We don't really care about that. We are trying to have less STUFF, not more.

So we haven't said anything to her about this so far. We don't even know what we'd say if we decide to discuss it. We're worried about the messages she is sending though. My older dd really likes things to be fair and even (she 6, so it's important to her). What I want to say is that we wish she would buy less for our older dd and try to even things up a bit. But we feel like who are we to tell her how to shop. She can be very passive-aggressive and I'm sure she will be defensive about it. I wonder if it's worth it to mention it to her. I keep thinking she will even things up when the baby is older, but I worry that my older dd will be negatively affected. I feel like I need to do some reading on this. Anyone have any good resources or advice?

[ChetMC]

My Situation

DH's parents do not have an equal relationship with all of our children. I won't say that they blatantly favour some over others. It absolutely looks that way if you keep score (and I could certainly type out a long list of complaints in the unfair / unequal treatment category), but :

1. Their behavoiur is explainable. I understand that they are much better with older children than babies for example. I understand that they have had more time and opportunity to develop a true relationship with our older children. I understand that MIL had mostly boys, but loves little girls and girlie things. I understand that it is more fun to give gifts to older children. I recognize that your first born often gets a parade and people barely notice your forth.

2. The kids don't care. As long as the kids don't notice or care I don't think it's an actual problem.

3. I don't believe in equal treatment for the sake of itself anyway. We've taken a very "Siblings Without Rivalry" approach with our kids. If one kids needs something new we don't buy new stuff for the others just to keep things "fair". If I pick up a book that one or two of our kids would especially like I don't feel obligated to buy other books just to come home with something for everybody. That kind of thing teachers kids to keep score (and you'll never make it equal, especially if you have kids with vastly different needs). Most stuff in the house becomes communal property anyway. It actually annoys the crap out of me when people feel compelled to give our four children four identical gifts.

[mkksmom]

I agree with all 3 points, actually. Especially the third. I don't buy something for the other child just to make it even either, now that I think of it. But we don't buy toys very often and we only buy clothing if we really need something. It all evens out in the end. I think it's one thing if it's about who needs what, but my MIL is trying to make a show of buying more for one than the other because she wants my older dd to feel more important. I think my issue has more to do with her assumption that my older dd will be jealous and that she seems to project that notion. For example, if my older dd grabs a small toy before the 1 YO can get it, MIL assumes that it's because she doesn't want to share. Really my older dd doesn't want the baby to choke. MIL makes this assumption and projects her feelings in every possible situation. She can't seem to accept the fact that there is only a little occasional jealousy there. Not a major issue, like she had with her kids. I shouldn't be surprised. She still calls my older dd by my SIL's name.

I think the other concern for me is that I was the favored grandchild/niece and I always worried about falling out of their favor. I was the good (easy) kid and I constantly worried about messing up. My brother still has negative feelings about the situation. I don't know. I do need to read Siblings Without Rivalry. I gave it to DH when he was looking for something to read, and he misplaced our copy. I need to hunt that down.

[homewithtwinsmama]

Originally Posted by mkksmom

WWYD in this situation? My MIL is a kind of quirky person. She means well for the most part, but she does things that leave me puzzled. We've worked through a long list of issues with her trying to control our parenting decisions, and we are definitely making progress and finding ways to compromise.

For 5 years, my older dd was the only grandchild in her life. She loves to shop for her- for anything really. Last year, our second dd joined our family, and things just aren't even. Every holiday or occasion, she buys 3 or 4 times more for my older dd than she does for my 1 YO. I think she does it because she doesn't want my older dd to feel jealous, but I can't be sure. She definitely favors her other 2 kids over my dh and buys them 2, 3 or 4 times as much as she buys my dh. We don't really care about that. We are trying to have less STUFF, not more.

So we haven't said anything to her about this so far. We don't even know what we'd say if we decide to discuss it. We're worried about the messages she is sending though. My older dd really likes things to be fair and even (she 6, so it's important to her). What I want to say is that we wish she would buy less for our older dd and try to even things up a bit. But we feel like who are we to tell her how to shop. She can be very passive-aggressive and I'm sure she will be defensive about it. I wonder if it's worth it to mention it to her. I keep thinking she will even things up when the baby is older, but I worry that my older dd will be negatively affected. I feel like I need to do some reading on this. Anyone have any good resources or advice?

Without addressing this I would simply tell her that she is to buy one gift for each child because you are simplifying overall and do no want the children loaded down with toys. Then its less a criticism of her than just another boundary to enforce.

[Hokulele]

I am in a similar situation, but I don't yet have a whole lot of advice. I'm more just lurking here to see what responses you get.

DD1 is 5yo, and DD2 is 2yo. DD1 by far gets more attention from her grandmother. At first I could understand - older children interact more, can do more activities and show real appreciation for gifts etc. However, now that DD2 is 2yo, she can see that her sister is getting more attention and more gifts. And I worry how she's interpreting that.

Their grandmother is very giving and involved, but she definitely plays favorites - she still does with her adult children. And she does with all her grandchildren. It bothers me a little when I can see the obvious siding with cousins, but when the gap in attention is noticeable between two sisters it breaks my heart.

So far, my only tactics have been:

1. mention to MIL when DD2 has done something that might be interesting to her and/or she might think is cute. MIL doesn't like me so this is much harder than it sounds! I don't want how she feels about me to trickle to my kids.

2. when MIL is lavishing DD1 with attention, I find something fun and distracting for DD2 to see/do/play with in the hopes that this diverts her attention.

Not much, so far. I need advice too!