Animal Cruelty

[quantumleap]

How do you instill kindness to animals and respect for living creatures into children?!
We have an older retired sled dog. We've had her before dd was born, and would never choose a dog like her again with children in the home. She's *extremely* timid, very much afraid of anyone and anything out of the ordinary. She's a classic retired sled dog in her habits too - a complete lump indoors, and a very energetic creature outside. So, when she's inside, she basically lies on her bed in the living room and wants to be left alone.
DD is 21 months, and she loves the dog, but, well, she's a toddler. Recently things have escalated a fair bit and I'm at a total loss as to what to do. DD hits the dog, chases her, jumps and waves her arms in front of the dog to scare her, etc, etc. She is also occasionally nice to the dog, but often when she goes to gently pet her, the dog runs away (who can blame her!), which angers dd who then proceeds to do her best to hit the dog. DD has also started following the dog around and yelling, "No!" at her. I do keep them seperated most of the time, but we live in a small space and life happens so they do spend some time together.
I am only very minimally concerned that DD will be hurt. The dog has never done more than bark a warning at dd, but I know she is capable of seriously injuring dd. I know we can just commit to keep them seperate. I know dd is probably doing the "No!" thing because the dog is "below" her on the totem pole and she perhaps needs/wants to feel that she gets to "boss" someone around.
BUT, the bottom line is that I don't want to just remove the problem. I want to deal with it. I cannot allow dd to be cruel to our dog, or to any other animal! I just don't know how to go about this!
I've tried removing the objects she uses to hit the dog with, "Mama is going to put your fairy wand away because you are hitting Sita with it. You can have it back when you can be kind." I've tried taking her hand and gently petting the dog while saying, "We're gentle with our hands". I've tried sending dd to her room, "If you can't be kind to Sita, then you can't be with Sita. You can come out when you're ready to be kind.".
Yesterday, in complete frustration, I told her that serial killers hurt dogs, and that she is not a serial killer, so she can't hurt dogs. Yes, I know that goes totally over her head! I just don't know what to do! She does say things like, "Sita unkind. Sita gave Dolly an owie." (the dog did some serious damage to her doll, who now bears some impressive scars), or "Maren unkind to Sita. No!". In other words, I know a lot of the things I say to her are a little beyond her, but I also believe that she does understand the basis.

What can I DO?! (and any tips for not losing my own temper?!)
Thanks.

[4evermom]

My ds has always loved animals. But when he was a toddler, he did like to "make them work" or "see them go" which involved poking them if they weren't moving. It wasn't a cruel thing or due to a lack of kindness. We didn't have any pets so I didn't have to deal with it at home. If we did, I'd have baby gated off an area so the dog could have peace, unless I could supervise closely, until ds was more mature and had more impulse control.

[mom2grrls]

This is one of those phases that will just have to be worked through by keeping them apart as much as you can. It's normal behavior and that impulse control is not going to come any quicker no matter what you do.

[Thalia the Muse]

She's still basically a mobile baby -- she isn't being intentionally cruel, toddlers are just rough/aggressive because they aren't very coordinated, empathetic, or able to understand the consequences of their actions yet. Maybe reframing and knowing she's not behaving in a deviant way and is unlikely to be a serial killer will make it easy not to lose your temper?

I'd just separate and supervise indoors -- I like the idea of giving the dog a safe refuge. And let her throw toys and things for Sita outside; maybe an interaction where she doesn't touch the dog, but makes the dog happy, can put them on a better course?

[meemee]

Originally Posted by selkat

What can I DO?! (and any tips for not losing my own temper?!)

patience mama. patience. children take weeks, months, even years to get it.

every or almost every mom of a toddler with a pet has gone thru what you have.

your dd is NOT being cruel. you as an adult who understands everything and live in the adult world expect her to pick it up at one time.

she is in her child world. every request you make seh has to understand. you have to show her what gentle touch means. how is your dd supposed to understand about your dog the way you do. she thinks the world is according to what goes on with her life. so you play outside and you play inside. so why cant the dog.

keep on stopping her and one day she will stop. but it wont, cant happen right away.

how have i kept my temper in check?

1. by understanding and reading up on age appropriate behaviour. Your two year old by Louise Amies Bates.

2. Looked at my own life to see my stressors. taken or figured out how to take breaks so i am not easily frustrated at dd.

[Rlin]

DS is 27 months old and I have a cat. She has a refuge to escape the normal toddler madness and the trick for us was: she is mommy's cat. DS can stroke her gently, feed her some treats but she is mine. He even calls her mommy's cat sometimes. Whenever he is unkind, I don't punish him, I just go to my cat, stroke her, talk to her about what happened (DS was too loud, too rough, scared her, etc) and model behaviour. And I remind DS that he has toys to play with, the cat is mine and not for playing. I am the only one who is allowed to cuddle and lift the cat. In a way the cat is mothering him and if he's rough when I'm not there she'll correct him by hitting on his hand. I explained to DS that cats cannot speak and it is the cats way of letting DS know that he was wrong. If he does it again she will hit him again, but with nails. He sometimes comes to me and shows me that the cat hit him and tells me he pulled her tail or something. And that he's not allowed to do that.

I know he loves cats, he adores cats, so he doesn't do it on purpose to hurt her, but he's 2 years old. He cannot control himself like adults can (or should) and I protect my cat from him so the cat doesn't need to do this herself (which would be worse for him).
One solution was getting him a stuffed animal. It is also called Pookie, but now "DS's Pookie". I redirect him to his cat when he wants to cuddle my cat (which is basically squeezing all the air out of the cat). We talk a lot about what animals like and don't like, how he can initiate play with my cat, how she will come to him when he's quiet and moving slowly etc. And understanding that animals (or people) not always like to do what you want to do is very difficult for toddlers.

It will come in time I guess. I just try to be patient and if it is a very rough day we spend time outside a lot. That always seems to help.

On the losing your temper, I give myself time-outs (we don't do them with DS, but for me they work really well). I lay on my bed, stare at the ceiling and count to 10. I have this mantra "he is 2, he is 2, I am an adult, he is 2". It helps me focus on the bigger picture.

[Acupuncturist]

We have three indoor dogs and one of them is 14 years old and grouchy. On the rare occasion that I see one of my boys do or say something inappropriate with the dogs, I make a point to model loving treatment of the dogs as much as possible for a few days. Several times a day I sit down on the floor with the dogs and pet them lovingly, talk to them, give them treats, arrange their bedding comfortably, etc. I don't say "here, look how mommy treats the dog", instead I just model the behavior I'd like to see in them and ignore the kids. The boys pay attention to this and generally start mimicking it.

I also make a point to provide our older dog with a "safe place" where he can go when he's had enough of the ruckus and commotion that goes with life with three little boys. In our case, this location is my closet. Once the dog goes in there, the kids are NOT allowed to pursue him or bother him until he chooses to come out.

[mamazee]

Try to be patient, keep them apart, and try not to label this as cruelty, because at her age that isn't her motivation, and kids sometimes grow into labels.