Anyone have experience with LO's who do NOT want a sibling?

[MommaMoo]

My little stinker is 5. He has always, ALWAYS insisted that he absolutely does not want a little brother or sister. He's getting a little brother in January, however. He is very attached to me and we have had issues with him getting extremely upset every time DH comes near me or touches me. I started asking him a few years ago what he would think of having a sibling. He liked to say that he would lock it outside and put it in the trash. Then he would laugh maniacally He's really an incredibly sweet and cuddly kid who doesn't have a mean-spirited or bullying bone in his body. However, he insists that the baby will not be getting any of his food or his toys, he will not do anything to help with the baby, and NO WAY will he give it hugs or kisses. He doesn't want any "slobbery" baby kisses on him. Although, I did have to laugh when he said he would fart on the baby. I'm not afraid that he's going to do anything to hurt the baby (though I won't leave them alone for a while) but I really wonder how DS1 will handle the situation. I'm going to get the book "Siblings Without Rivalry." I kind of expect DS to get over his reluctance pretty quickly. We just went through a horrible time getting him to go to kindergarten. He always used to insist that he didn't like other kids and he refused to speak to them, and he also couldn't be without me during the day. Now he is this huge social butterfly, loves kindy, and leaves me in the dust to take off by himself when I drop him off in the morning. So, I'm hoping the same kind of thing will happen with his little brother. Has anyone BTDT?

[nixnc]

first of all, what do you mean you had a hard time "getting him to go to kindergarten?"

i don't mean to be disrespectful by any means, however, from this post is sounds as if you allow your 5 year old to run your house hold.

chances are, he will love his sibling at first glance. the issue begins with the parents.

i'm not saying not to allow your child to have choices or let him voice his opinion/wants/concerns, i'm saying be a parent and not a friend. obviously, you can't send the new baby back to where it came from.

there has to be an understanding that he is the child, you are the parent, and you will do what is best for your children, not vice versa.

perhaps you should start now to get him used to the idea that, yes he will have to share his toys, yes he is the big brother and will have to accept the little one and teach him neat and fun things. it doesn't mean you don't love him anymore, which i suspect is part of what he thinks might be happening.

how do you handle the situation when he freaks out when your husband is affectionate towards you or "comes near you?" for this child's sake--you HAVE to figure out how to curb this behavior. you are NOT HIS possession, and he will need to share you. but YOU have to be the strong one and show him how it is going to be, not the other way around.

i couldn't imagine allowing my kids to dictate to me when my husband can be around or if they go to school or not.

[nova22]

I wouldn't put too much stock in what he says when he says it. If he says "I will not like the baby" I'd respond with a non-committal "mmm" and go about my business. You can't control what he likes and doesn't like and there's no point in pretending that you can. However, if he says something like "I will throw the baby in the trash" you could respond by looking him straight in the eye and saying, "I will not tolerate mean behavior towards my child. I would not let someone treat you that way, and you will not treat your brother or sister that way."

[nixnc]

completely agree.

[MommaMoo]

Originally Posted by nixnc

first of all, what do you mean you had a hard time "getting him to go to kindergarten?"

i don't mean to be disrespectful by any means, however, from this post is sounds as if you allow your 5 year old to run your house hold.

chances are, he will love his sibling at first glance. the issue begins with the parents.

i'm not saying not to allow your child to have choices or let him voice his opinion/wants/concerns, i'm saying be a parent and not a friend. obviously, you can't send the new baby back to where it came from.

there has to be an understanding that he is the child, you are the parent, and you will do what is best for your children, not vice versa.

perhaps you should start now to get him used to the idea that, yes he will have to share his toys, yes he is the big brother and will have to accept the little one and teach him neat and fun things. it doesn't mean you don't love him anymore, which i suspect is part of what he thinks might be happening.

how do you handle the situation when he freaks out when your husband is affectionate towards you or "comes near you?" for this child's sake--you HAVE to figure out how to curb this behavior. you are NOT HIS possession, and he will need to share you. but YOU have to be the strong one and show him how it is going to be, not the other way around.

i couldn't imagine allowing my kids to dictate to me when my husband can be around or if they go to school or not.

Wow, you certainly assumed a lot of things about my parenting abilities. What I mean when I say we had a hard time getting him to go to kindergarten is that we had to drag him kicking and screaming out the door a few times. It's not like he said "I'm not going," and I responded with, "Ok dear, whatever you say." And where did I say that DS is allowed to dictate when and where DH can come near me? I said that we have had issues with him becoming extremely upset. This is something we have been dealing with since DS was 10 months old, and we have tried everything to stop it. Now he is sent to time out for that behavior. Additionally, we HAVE told him, many times, that although we cannot force him to love the baby, he is not permitted to be mean in any way to him. Still, he persists in saying these things. So, to take the actual helpful advice of nova22, I guess I should just ignore these things? He hasn't made the trash can statement in a long time-that one was from when he was 2 or 3. Now it's just that he doesn't want to share anything with him. He doesn't act upset at all when I explain that I will be holding the baby a lot and nursing him, so that's a positive. It just seems like every other kid is just dying to have a sibling, so I was wondering if anyone else had a kid who said things like this.

[nova22]

Originally Posted by MommaMoo

He doesn't act upset at all when I explain that I will be holding the baby a lot and nursing him, so that's a positive. It just seems like every other kid is just dying to have a sibling, so I was wondering if anyone else had a kid who said things like this.

Sorry, I meant to say something about that and I forgot. My daughter was 2 when her little sister was born. I don't remember her being particularly interested in the baby before she was born, but AFTER she was born, the older girl turned into a terror. She was beside herself and started acting out like crazy. My sweet little girl who would never hurt a fly was throwing things around the house, stomping everywhere she went, being incredibly disobedient, scowling constantly, and pushing random kids at the playground.

But if a picture is worth a thousand words, here are 2,000 words for you. This picture was taken when I first brought the baby home (please excuse DS's severe lack of pants!). The little girl who is clinging to me for dear life and has red eyes from crying is the jealous 2yo. This picture was taken about eight weeks later. Now they are 6 and 4 and play together all day long, they just love each other.

One thing I would suggest is to make sure your son doesn't feel like he's on the back burner after the baby gets here. It's tough, because when the new one is born you feel completely torn between the baby and the older kid (plus your SO and your housework and your own alone time and a billion other things) and usually everything else IS on the back burner. I would say a lot of things that were clearly for the 2yo's benefit because the baby didn't have a clue what I was saying. Sometimes if the baby was starting to get fussy but wasn't actually crying yet, and the 2yo wanted something, I would gently say to the baby "Just a minute sweetie, your big sister needs something and when I'm finished taking care of her, I will take care of you." Of course my daughter was a lot younger than your son, but I think it will still help him if he hears you tell the baby that the baby needs to wait so you can take care of the older boy. At his age he would probably feel like really special and important if he is able to help with some things - he's old enough to retrieve a diaper and wipes for diaper changes, he can choose an outfit for the baby to wear or decide which blanket to put on him/her if you go out, hold a toy over the baby for him/her to look at while you dress or bathe the baby, etc.

Sorry that got long...I guess that's why I forgot to write this out earlier, I was probably overwhelmed by all I had to say.

PMing you about the book, BTW.

[TATINEE]

My kids never had problems with new babies, but my little one is 2.5 and doesn't really understand. I am taking him to a sibling class at the local hospital closer to my due
date. Maybe there is a similar program in your area.

[nixnc]

mommamoo--the way you worded you post, and the way i deciphered it sounded as if your child had the upper hand. i even said i mean no disrespect. please don't take offense to my post.

i have witnessed several parents be so concerned about how their children feel, that they actually do them the disservice of being more of a friend than a parent. i obviously know nothing about the way you parent other than what i read in your post.


sorry if i offended.

[Lyss]

Have you read Siblings Without Rivalry?

It's a great book. I'm going to re-read it before the new baby comes.

[MommaMoo]

Originally Posted by nova22

One thing I would suggest is to make sure your son doesn't feel like he's on the back burner after the baby gets here. It's tough, because when the new one is born you feel completely torn between the baby and the older kid (plus your SO and your housework and your own alone time and a billion other things) and usually everything else IS on the back burner. I would say a lot of things that were clearly for the 2yo's benefit because the baby didn't have a clue what I was saying. Sometimes if the baby was starting to get fussy but wasn't actually crying yet, and the 2yo wanted something, I would gently say to the baby "Just a minute sweetie, your big sister needs something and when I'm finished taking care of her, I will take care of you." Of course my daughter was a lot younger than your son, but I think it will still help him if he hears you tell the baby that the baby needs to wait so you can take care of the older boy. At his age he would probably feel like really special and important if he is able to help with some things - he's old enough to retrieve a diaper and wipes for diaper changes, he can choose an outfit for the baby to wear or decide which blanket to put on him/her if you go out, hold a toy over the baby for him/her to look at while you dress or bathe the baby, etc.

That's a really good idea, to show DS that I will still put his needs first sometimes. He has already been helping me choose baby clothes, and I'll keep trying to have him involved in picking out clothes, etc. after baby is born.

Originally Posted by TATINEE

My kids never had problems with new babies, but my little one is 2.5 and doesn't really understand. I am taking him to a sibling class at the local hospital closer to my due
date. Maybe there is a similar program in your area.

I think the birth center I'm going to may have a sibling class, but it's mainly for the birth. I will ask my midwife if there are any other types of sibling preparedness classes around, though.

Originally Posted by nixnc

mommamoo--the way you worded you post, and the way i deciphered it sounded as if your child had the upper hand. i even said i mean no disrespect. please don't take offense to my post.

i have witnessed several parents be so concerned about how their children feel, that they actually do them the disservice of being more of a friend than a parent. i obviously know nothing about the way you parent other than what i read in your post.


sorry if i offended.

Thanks

Originally Posted by Lyss

Have you read Siblings Without Rivalry?

It's a great book. I'm going to re-read it before the new baby comes.

Yep, I plan on picking it up.

[nixnc]

mommamoo-glad we smoothed it over. i know it sounds silly, but i was worried about upsetting you!

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Group hug, everybody!!

My DC went through a phase where she said she didn't want a sibling. She was a bit older than your DC and I think had just gotten used to being an only child and had started to understand what the advantages are.

When I decided I wanted another I think I started just casually pointing out some of the advantages of having a sibling.

Can you maybe try to figure out what it is your DC doesn't want about a sibling and try to think of some of the advantages that he can really relate to and then try to have frequent but casual conversations about those things?

For instance, if you feel that the issue is sharing, maybe it would help if your DC helped get some toys for the new baby or you talked about how to arrange his things so that he could have some privacy.

We have a 3 BR house and when I first started talking to DC about a second child we talked about whether she wanted to keep her own room or share with the baby and have a play room.

I know these sound like small things but I think it helped her see that a new baby may mean even more choices for her - not less, yk?

[MommaMoo]

Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama

Can you maybe try to figure out what it is your DC doesn't want about a sibling and try to think of some of the advantages that he can really relate to and then try to have frequent but casual conversations about those things?

For instance, if you feel that the issue is sharing, maybe it would help if your DC helped get some toys for the new baby or you talked about how to arrange his things so that he could have some privacy.

We have a 3 BR house and when I first started talking to DC about a second child we talked about whether she wanted to keep her own room or share with the baby and have a play room.

I know these sound like small things but I think it helped her see that a new baby may mean even more choices for her - not less, yk?

Yes, I believe that DS's main problem is sharing. He is also very touchy over anybody messing up his stuff-like when he builds a tower or something. I just remembered that I planned on getting a baby gate, since the baby won't be able to play with a lot of DS's little toys, anyway. We just have a two bedroom, and one of the rooms is DH's office. We planned on letting DS play in DH's room. DH doesn't want the baby in there either, because of all of his electronic stuff. I think it will be helpful to have a special "off-limits" space that DS can do his own thing in. I didn't think of framing it in a way that would make DS feel that he had more choices, though

[IdentityCrisisMama]

In that case, I would start talking about things like, "DS, once the baby is here we are going to make a little space in daddy's office for you. Do you think you will be able to help me make sure the little baby doesn't come in there?"

[pregnant@40]

By age 4.5, my son started asking us for a sibling. So we tried, and *surprise* we're now pregnant. And now my son states that he would rather have a cat.

5 year olds, gotta love them....

[babygrey]

I don't think it is either fair or true to say that sibs will automatically have "love at first sight" w/ a new baby (it seems like that line of thinking has done a lot of damage for pp MOMS who don't automatically bond w/ baby, so it doesn't seem fair to impose it on kids, either.) That said, kids adapt and most will end up loving the sib. I just don't think it does justice to children as individuals to assign a feeling about such a huge adjustment in which they had no part in choosing.

That said, remember, the "I don't want a sibling" is usually code for "I'm worried about how my life will change and I'm worried about having to share mama".

My DS was 8 when I was pg w/ DD. He did NOT want a sibling. There was no talking him into it or getting him excited about it when I was pg. We tried everything everyone has suggested. Today, he is her biggest lover and defender. He draws her pictures and he's already working on her xmas gift. He told me a few weeks ago that he thinks he loves her more than I do

It didn't happen immediately. It was a full week before he wanted to touch her (tho he would stare at her w/ interest). It took probably until she could smile for him to use the word "love"

You love your ODS. Include him, remind him you'll still be mama. He'll adapt.

[Kim]

Siblings Without Rivalry (already mentioned) is a great book. Highly recommended.

Has anyone read Julius, Baby of the World by Kevin Henkes to their kids? I'm not saying it's a Band-Aid, but it was a good read for my oldest before her little brother was born. http://www.amazon.com/Julius-Baby-Wo...6627499&sr=1-1

A gentle but powerful message is On Mother's Lap by Ann Herbert Scott. http://www.amazon.com/Mothers-Lap-An...der_0395629764

[krizzanne]

I think I have a similar situation to you.

My DS who is 5 was so upset when he heard that we are expecting he cried for 45 minutes saying 'no! get rid of it'. It has been a week now, and he woke up at 3am crying last night again saying he doesn't have enough love in his heart for another baby...he gave it all to his (2y/o) sister'

When he was 3 and his sister was born - he was devastated, you should have seen his face, but the next day he smiled excitedly when he was holding her, but then later grumbled about her existance, but now they have developed a lovely relationship.

We are totally disturbed by his response, and are engaging him when-ever he does say something-- to try and figure out the root of his reasoning.

I think 5yo's - especially boys - still have trouble expressing their feelings clearly - so if your son says 'throw the baby in the trash' he is trying to let you know he feels very strongly - I doubt it is an action he would actually fufill, so consider using it as an opening for dialogue.

I want you to know, also, that my son refuses to join in classes and tries to control us all the time by giving us ultimatums and telling us what we 'have' to do...and he by no means runs our household... and he is generally a very loving kid, too.

Sigh, I just hope my ds will learn that there are great things about having a new sibling, and that it can increase the love and warmth in a house, and I hope I can get to the bottom of why he is so vexed at the idea.

Please update us, Mommamoo, if there are any changes, and/or how things work out. I will, too.

Krissie
dd-7, ds-5, dd-2, dc due-4/11

[atnightingale]

I just told my 4 y.o. DD that there is a baby in my tummy and she reacted very similarly. I don't want there to be a baby in your tummy. Over and over and over. We definitely had tears and snuggles to. We talked a bit about fears and some of the fun parts of being a big sister. At one point she surprised me and asked, "what if the baby doesn't love me." This was a worry I had not considered. I explained that for the baby's whole life, DD will have been there, just like our cats have 'always' been there for her. I also reminded her that the cats had to get used to her because they were a little scared about this new baby but now they snuggle. Simplistic I know, but I get the feeling we are talking basic emotions here.

FYI, she is also VERY strong willed and would rule the house if allowed. Lately she has been attempting to refuse to go to beloved activities and we are not sure why. (Music class, riding ponies for pete's sake). Oh well. Good luck all

[JFTB1177]

When I was PG with DS2, my older son didn't really get what was going on. Once DS2 was born though, my sweet and angelic (no, really!) older son did not want anything to do with his brother and he began having tantrums, meltdowns, etc, didn't want to be in the same room as his brother, etc.

It took a few months but DS1 came around and started to like his baby brother. Fast forward to today (at 4 years and 18 months old) and they are BEST FRIENDS! DS1 LOVES his baby brother soooooo much you just wouldn't believe it! He wants to be the first one to run into baby brother's room when he wakes up from his nap to get him from his crib, he will hold his hand and help him walk down the stairs, he'll hug and kiss him, he always wants to know if Julian (DS2) misses him while he's at school, etc.

Now, at 4 years old, Jake (DS1) understands I am PG and there is a baby coming. He seems excited about it and says he wants to change the baby's diapers and hold him/her, etc. When we ask him if he wants the baby to be a girl or boy he says a boy, he wants another brother!! So do NOT lose hope, my DS1 showed so much jealousy at first when DS2 was born but has not shown any jealousy since DS2 was about 5 or 6 months old (he is 18 months old now).