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Overthinking Everything!

post #1 of 24
Thread Starter 
Y'all, I am driving myself crazy with overthinking everything I do with my baby. For example, I am really battling sore nipples. Some days/ nursing sessions are better than others, but I worry that if I pull Andrew off before he's totally asleep (because I am truly hurting!), I am going to deplete my milk supply. Or if I want to do a few things around the house and he's awake, I worry I'll traumatize him or something if I put him in the swing while I "selfishly" do dishes instead of hold him. My husband is a wonderful helper and Andrew is held most all of the time, but I have all these fears that something I'm going to do is going to sabotage my milk supply or mean I am selfish and put my son in lifelong therapy. My mom assures me I'm doing great. My husband assures me I'm doing great. And at times, I can look down at my nursing or sleeping baby, see how well he is doing, and know I am doing right by him. But I am constantly berating myself for not always being the best, not always wanting to hold him, feeling sleepy at night when I wake up and he wants to nurse (I still do it, of course!), etc. etc. How can I quiet my head and re-assure myself that all is well? Or am I just the one who needs lifelong therapy?
post #2 of 24
You sound like a first time mom! You are doing great I promise!
post #3 of 24
I was going to start a thread about pretty much the same thing, and I'm a second time mom. lol.

I have guilt that DS2 is totally a second kid. He gets put down a lot more (DS1 was in arms all the time, even asleep). I feel like I'm being selfish. Poor kiddo - he's not being neglected, but he's certainly not getting the royal treatment like DS1 got. I've showered every day since he was born!
I swing between feeling bad that I'm not as devoted and being happy that I'm not an irrational slave to the baby.
post #4 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lit Chick View Post
I was going to start a thread about pretty much the same thing, and I'm a second time mom. lol.

I have guilt that DS2 is totally a second kid. He gets put down a lot more (DS1 was in arms all the time, even asleep). I feel like I'm being selfish. Poor kiddo - he's not being neglected, but he's certainly not getting the royal treatment like DS1 got. I've showered every day since he was born!
I swing between feeling bad that I'm not as devoted and being happy that I'm not an irrational slave to the baby.
Uh oh.. maybe I'm the bad mom lol.. I don't feel bad at all. I love handing Lila to her daddy so he can cuddle her. I was a single mom with Reya and had tons of guilt. Now there are more arms available and I take advantage of them!
post #5 of 24


I'm there! My little guy is already so independant seeming... he enjoys cuddling and all, but there are times during the day (like now) when he wants to be down in his gym or in set in his swing, just looking around. If we try to pick him up and cuddle him during these times he gets really angry. I want to give him all the attention in the world, but he is content to be by himself. He will allow me to hang out with him in his baby gym, so I am going to go back down there for a while. Being a mother is so unlike anything I thought it would be like...
post #6 of 24
Im on #3 and not doing any better with the feeling bad about putting her down or stopping her feeding before she stops.

But I know, from experience, you can do both of those things... and sometimes pretty often... and still have some of the greatest kids in the world.
post #7 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amanda_Reyasmom View Post
Uh oh.. maybe I'm the bad mom lol.. I don't feel bad at all. I love handing Lila to her daddy so he can cuddle her. I was a single mom with Reya and had tons of guilt. Now there are more arms available and I take advantage of them!

same exact thing here. with my second baby, i was standing at the door every day when my husband got home and literally handed nathan over to him. not because i didn't want to take care of nate, but because i NEEDED to do other things. he was a demanding baby and a difficult napper. i didn't feel guilty at all. with my first child, i was a single mom and there was nothing you could say to me to allow you to help me with him. people would ask me "is it hard because it is just you?" i would never admit that it was hard, i would just say "i'm his mom, i'm supposed to do this stuff." but now, having help with #2, i have to say it is difficult if you have help or not!

if you feel you should hold your baby, then hold him! however, it is important for YOURSELF to take time out for YOU even if it is doing dishes or taking a shower. there is absolutely nothing wrong for laying him down and doing a load of laundry. it isn't like you are leaving him alone for hours at a time! just be sure to take time for yourself so you don't get overwhelmed.
post #8 of 24
Another bad mom here. I've actually left him at home with DH for an hour. Twice. I fed him and got him to sleep then took DS to Story hour. Then did the same and took DD to Girl Scouts.

I felt like I had to do something with both kids with just me. I think that part of being an attached parent isn't just being completely attached to the infant (though I wouldn't leave for hours at a time or put him down all day). My other kids need me too
post #9 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lit Chick View Post
I was going to start a thread about pretty much the same thing, and I'm a second time mom. lol.

I have guilt that DS2 is totally a second kid. He gets put down a lot more (DS1 was in arms all the time, even asleep). I feel like I'm being selfish. Poor kiddo - he's not being neglected, but he's certainly not getting the royal treatment like DS1 got. I've showered every day since he was born!
I swing between feeling bad that I'm not as devoted and being happy that I'm not an irrational slave to the baby.
Me too! I was crying yesterday to DH because I felt I wasn't holding the baby enough. I even (gasp) let him nap in his co-sleeper instead of in my arms like I did with DD. AND, I left him with DH to go to Target. Mommy guilt-welcome to motherhood!

Crafty-I unlatch the baby a lot when he's done eating and just comfort sucking. Often when he's falling asleep, his latch gets lazy and that's when he damages my nipples. You're not depriving him of milk if he's just comfort nursing. He'll let you know if he's hungry!

BabyBraatens-Lucky you that baby likes the activity mat! It can get exhausting having a baby that wants to be held all the time. Enjoy it!
post #10 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by CraftyMcGluestick View Post
Y'all, I am driving myself crazy with overthinking everything I do with my baby. For example, I am really battling sore nipples. Some days/ nursing sessions are better than others, but I worry that if I pull Andrew off before he's totally asleep (because I am truly hurting!), I am going to deplete my milk supply. Or if I want to do a few things around the house and he's awake, I worry I'll traumatize him or something if I put him in the swing while I "selfishly" do dishes instead of hold him. My husband is a wonderful helper and Andrew is held most all of the time, but I have all these fears that something I'm going to do is going to sabotage my milk supply or mean I am selfish and put my son in lifelong therapy. My mom assures me I'm doing great. My husband assures me I'm doing great. And at times, I can look down at my nursing or sleeping baby, see how well he is doing, and know I am doing right by him. But I am constantly berating myself for not always being the best, not always wanting to hold him, feeling sleepy at night when I wake up and he wants to nurse (I still do it, of course!), etc. etc. How can I quiet my head and re-assure myself that all is well? Or am I just the one who needs lifelong therapy?

Now...... exhale.



You're doing great. Your baby is happy and healthy.

If it helps put things in perspective you can stop and think of all the adverse conditions, around the world and throughout history, that babies have lived through. Now think of how much better you are making things for your baby. He is with people who love him. You're not going to screw him up.

Take it easy on yourself from time to time.
post #11 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaerynPearl View Post
Im on #3 and not doing any better with the feeling bad about putting her down or stopping her feeding before she stops.

But I know, from experience, you can do both of those things... and sometimes pretty often... and still have some of the greatest kids in the world.
Yes, to this.

And having some boundaries is GOOD. Sometimes I've lost myself in doing the 'extreme' version of AP where the baby never gets put down, nurses as long as he wants, etc. And it isn't necessarily good. It wears me out. It's sort of like the airplane crash advice--take the oxygen first, then give it to your kids. Because if you aren't topped off some, then you can't really be there for them.

That being said, I still feel guilty putting Elias in the Bassinet, or letting Stephen watch yet another pixar movie. But they both seem fine, and both get lots of cuddles and attention too.


And one of my friends once told me that no matter how great someone's parents are, everyone goes through a 'my parents messed me up' stage.

Ami
post #12 of 24
ooh, after YEARS I just figured out multi-quote. Heh.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kelly1101 View Post
If it helps put things in perspective you can stop and think of all the adverse conditions, around the world and throughout history, that babies have lived through. Now think of how much better you are making things for your baby.
I was thinking exactly this while driving home from the store with a fussy and PO'ed baby screaming at me. He was hungry, and I had a moment of guilt that I did not nurse him in the car before starting for home (all of 15 minutes away). Then I thought, if I was damaging him by not being available for milking 24/7, then we would not have made it as a species.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JTA Mom View Post
And having some boundaries is GOOD. Sometimes I've lost myself in doing the 'extreme' version of AP where the baby never gets put down, nurses as long as he wants, etc. And it isn't necessarily good. It wears me out. It's sort of like the airplane crash advice--take the oxygen first, then give it to your kids. Because if you aren't topped off some, then you can't really be there for them.
Could not agree more, and that was very well put.
post #13 of 24
yes!...extreme AP parenting, where moms seem to be in it for perfection (or bragging rights ) is unhealthy, and honestly--just NOT possible when you go beyond one kid. There's no need to wear yourself and be a martyr to AP. Take a deep breath, realize that babies are--by nature--resilient. They can thrive even when *gasp!* we choose to pee for 30 more seconds while they cry instead of running out of the bathroom with toilet paper stuck between our butt cheeks.

...or wait. The extreme mama probably wouldn't have set her baby down to pee.

Deep breath. Take care of yourself, and DO NOT put pressure on yourself to be some idea of perfection. Your own love and instincts will lead you to be the best for your baby, and (if you listen to your OWN needs), for yourself too. And if you tend toward perfectionism, take some deeper breaths and LET GO. You are doing great. Your baby is thriving. You have needs, too, and you'll be a better mom for incorporating those needs into your life as a mother.
post #14 of 24
Ugh, don't know what to tell you about the guilt/worry. I still have it with #2 although probably not as much as with DD. If it helps, most of the moms I know don't want to hold their babies all the time and are not excited to wake up at night to nurse when they are tired (I certainly am not.... today DS napped in his pack n play for over an hour and I felt like I had died and gone to heaven.).

I know neither of us exactly followed Hypnobabies to the letter but I swear if they put out a "new mom affirmations" CD I could listen to in the car (like the Pregnancy Affirmations) it would make such a difference to me. It would say things like:

"I am a great mother"
"My baby is thriving"
"My baby knows he or she is loved"
"I enjoy my post-partum exercises" (OK, maybe not that last one which would just make me feel really guilty)
post #15 of 24
yup.. i'm on #3 and having a lot of the same issues... overthinking, guilt, and doubting myself.. isn't motherhood great?

i have to constantly remind myself that my baby can suck on something other than my breast.. if it was her finger/hand/my finger i wouldn't feel bad - so why do i feel horrible that she is taking a pacifier? i WANT her to do all of her comfort sucking at the breast (esp. since i'm not having issues with sore nipples this time) but when she does she either screams at me or projectile vomits all over everything because i have too much milk.. a pacifier IS better than projectile vomit. this should be obvious, but .. thats motherhood for you..

the truth is obvious.. we are ALL doing great..
post #16 of 24
I am eating lunch while Savion lies in a patch of sunlight on the floor. Juliet is watching Mickey Mouse. I heard him projectile vomit, so I went over, put a clean patch of blanket over the puke spot on the blanket, and came back to finish my lunch. No guilt. And I am gonna bet he is not going to need therapy over it!

It is good for everyone in the family to learn how to balance personal needs, personal wants, and others' needs and wants. It is learning for life. I do not do extreme AP as I feel that a lot of it is damaging to everyone: child, family, others. It does no good for your child to learn that mom sacrifices herself all the time for his every whim.
post #17 of 24
I had the convo with DH today about extreme AP'ing not being healthy. Mom's needs are important, too. I actually had DH give the baby a bottle (an Adiri nurser of pumped milk, but a bottle nonetheless) so I could get more than two hours of sleep in an entire night, because this baby just doesn't stop. If she's awake, either there's a boob in her mouth or she's screaming, and I have a crack on the right nipple that needs to heal. So, I went to bed at 11, DH gave her a bit over an ounce in the bottle and snuggled with her and I slept until 3! It was great. I also bought a paci today for times like when she's screaming in the car- I trust myself to use it wisely. Trust yourself. You are in control. If your supply started to dwindle, you'd notice and do what you had to do to bring it back up. The hormones really can take over, especially combined with the sleep deprivation.
post #18 of 24
Haven't read the replies, so bear with me.

I feel the same way, and mine, I know is from our birth, and how i feel because it didn't turn out ideal, that I've done something wrong, so now I'm trying to make up for that guilt I have there by doing everything else I can 'right' and therefore questioning it.

As far as holding. I say if you want to hold your baby, do it. If you want to do the dishes, do that. If you want to do both, you are going to need a baby wrap. This is what I use, as neither of my children have ever sat in anything more than 2-3 minutes, and it's the only way I can keep the massive amounts of dishes, dog hair, laundry, etc all clean without them crying the entire time.

As far as nipples....have you seen an LC. We had insanely sore nipples with our first, bleeding, cracked, sores, etc. Turns out he had a crappy latch that only one LC caught on to. So maybe start there?

Hope you are well otherwise.
post #19 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by Galatea View Post
I am eating lunch while Savion lies in a patch of sunlight on the floor. Juliet is watching Mickey Mouse. I heard him projectile vomit, so I went over, put a clean patch of blanket over the puke spot on the blanket, and came back to finish my lunch. No guilt. And I am gonna bet he is not going to need therapy over it!

It is good for everyone in the family to learn how to balance personal needs, personal wants, and others' needs and wants. It is learning for life. I do not do extreme AP as I feel that a lot of it is damaging to everyone: child, family, others. It does no good for your child to learn that mom sacrifices herself all the time for his every whim.
I can relate to this. When you have just one child, you have the luxury of choosing to make them the center of the universe if you want to. But when you have other children, your new child is entering an existing family system and needs to fit in. With DD one, I had her all the time, even while using the bathroom. I never got to eat or nap. I was EXHAUSTED. I feel much more balanced with this child.
post #20 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by gradstudentmommy View Post
I can relate to this. When you have just one child, you have the luxury of choosing to make them the center of the universe if you want to. But when you have other children, your new child is entering an existing family system and needs to fit in. With DD one, I had her all the time, even while using the bathroom. I never got to eat or nap. I was EXHAUSTED. I feel much more balanced with this child.
I'm feeling the same way. It took me a week or two to adjust to this and figure it out emotionally, but recognizing that maybe no one will get everything they want RIGHT NOW, but that we will all be taken care of in terms of what we need, helps a lot.
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