When one parent doesn't care...

[camprunner]

DD (age 8) has a lactose intolerance and a gluten intolerance. She's usually pretty good about turning down things she's allergic to but has a weakness for icecream. We do allow her to use lactaid every now and then but honestly it only works like once a week or less. Tonight her dad (my husband) took her out for icecream for the second time this week and didn't bother with the lactaid at all. His response "What's the big deal? She just wets the bed and breaks out in bumps. She said she didn't care." He is always dragging us out to restaurants. I also have a gluten intolerance and because I'm pregnant I'm being super careful and refusing to go anywhere even if they do have a gluten free menu. I just can't get it through his head that if she is reacting to it, then it isn't good for her.

Anyone have suggestions for getting the other parent to understand?

[AFWife]

Would a doctor's note matter at all? Maybe get him to say something like "repeated exposure can cause damage" or something?

[camprunner]

Yeah..our doctor doesn't really care either. I diagnosed her myself (after taking her to the doctor for bed wetting and an alarm was suggested). I told the doctor what had helped at a follow up and he said "oh ok just keep on doing what you are doing then". However, it's definitely those two things that are causing it because she was off of them before and there were no mysterious bumps or bed wetting. She has to be off both of them though. I guess I was hoping for a way to approach him about it and help him to see the seriousness. Right now he just see's me having to wash her sheets more often as an inconvenience to me which he figures I can put up with (I'm also not thrilled that the mattress is being ruined but that's another discussion).

[anj_rn]

Well first I would say buy a plastic mattress cover to protect the mattress. Then I would suggest an allergist. Maybe that would help your DH understand. If she has an allergy (as indicated by bumps), repeated exposure could lead to worse reactions.

As far as saying she does not care, of ocurse she doesn't, she's 8. Can you get her some safe ice cream at the store so she can indule when she wants. I know our store has Almond milk, coconut milk, and soy ice cream. I do not know if anyof them are gluten free (we just restrict dairy).

[deminc]

This is frustrating.

It sounds like there's more undercurrents going on and this gluten issue is really the one that's being made an example of. Pregnancy is already tough in itself (at least for me!), and my approach would be to reduce as much stress as possible.

With regards to the husband - could part of the problem be that he misses certain food? Or just likes to go out after a day at work (but doesn't like to go out alone)? My DH is like that. So he would have dinner dates with DS1 and they both go out and gorge themselves. OR I would make sure I include a dish that he does like. Usually something spicy so ds2 won't be tempted, hehe.

The grandparents have gone through stages of skepticism as well with DS2's restricted diet, and would suggest that some exposure would be better to "desensitise" the system. Fortunately for us, ds2 has experienced so much pain and discomfort that he would remind them of the food he cannot take.

For the ice cream - what about sorbets? Or soy-based frozen desserts? Or coconut milk-based sorbets? These are really good replacements and she can also participate in making them herself at home.

For the bed-wetting - can you ask for help? It IS a lot of hard work, especially in the middle of the night, and yes, not to mention the ruined mattress. I feel your frustration and pain! Can you keep an extra mattress pad for use on nights when you're quite sure she will wet herself? So after the deed, you just pull off the soiled layer, change her clothes and everyone back to bed. Leave the rest for the next morning. Alternatively, if you can notice a pattern, you may be able to wake her up and get her to the toilet before she wets herself. For ds2, he would be sleeping unusually soundly on those nights, and usually wet himself around 2am in the morning, so I would whisk him off to the toilet around that time and save the mattress.

[camprunner]

Well first I would say buy a plastic mattress cover to protect the mattress. Then I would suggest an allergist. Maybe that would help your DH understand. If she has an allergy (as indicated by bumps), repeated exposure could lead to worse reactions.

I would really, really like to know where to buy one that will last. The one's we are getting from walmart are constantly being torn and dh doesn't want to replace them any more. But if we could order one that was made of thicker plastic like the kind that was on my bed when I was a child, I would love to order it.

As far as saying she does not care, of ocurse she doesn't, she's 8. Can you get her some safe ice cream at the store so she can indule when she wants. I know our store has Almond milk, coconut milk, and soy ice cream. I do not know if anyof them are gluten free (we just restrict dairy).

It seems that all the stores that have these are an hour away. Our local store doesn't carry any and I'm just not real sure how to get it back home without melting. I do take advantage when we are around one and let her share one with her sister on the way home. I will say that I am guilty of not caring if it's just once in a while AND the lactaid is taken with the first bite. It's just the second time this week and no lactaid.

For the bed-wetting - can you ask for help? It IS a lot of hard work, especially in the middle of the night, and yes, not to mention the ruined mattress. I feel your frustration and pain! Can you keep an extra mattress pad for use on nights when you're quite sure she will wet herself? So after the deed, you just pull off the soiled layer, change her clothes and everyone back to bed. Leave the rest for the next morning. Alternatively, if you can notice a pattern, you may be able to wake her up and get her to the toilet before she wets herself. For ds2, he would be sleeping unusually soundly on those nights, and usually wet himself around 2am in the morning, so I would whisk him off to the toilet around that time and save the mattress.

DD is awesome. Sometimes, not all the time, she will actually take the sheets off the bed when she wakes up and put them in the dirty clothes or the washing machine. She puts on new pajamas and climbs into bed with us so other than the dirty laundry getting backed up and throwing me off, it's not as bad as it might sound. I have noticed that she moans right before she does it so if I hear it I snap into action.

I guess I'm just really sensitive since I spent years with an undiagnosed gluten intolerance and got really, really sick from it before we figured out what it was with the help of a doctor that practices integrated medicine. I probably should take dd to see her but since we seem to have pinpointed it, I'm not really sure what she could do about it. I don't want dd to miss years of her life due to a food intolerance...ya know?

[babymommy2]

instead of a plastic sheet, buy a waterproof matress protector. I have 2 that are on my childrens beds and they have been washed a million times over the past 5 years and are just fine, bought from sears. I also put an incontinence pad down (from a medical supply store , they are about $15-20 each) on top of the sheet, that way I usually only have to change the pad out, put in a new one and change the top bedding. I havce washed those pads a million times over years as well. The incontinence pads are great for peeing the bed, and when your child is vomitting to protect your bed or couch.

[camprunner]

Originally Posted by babymommy2

instead of a plastic sheet, buy a waterproof matress protector. I have 2 that are on my childrens beds and they have been washed a million times over the past 5 years and are just fine, bought from sears. I also put an incontinence pad down (from a medical supply store , they are about $15-20 each) on top of the sheet, that way I usually only have to change the pad out, put in a new one and change the top bedding. I havce washed those pads a million times over years as well. The incontinence pads are great for peeing the bed, and when your child is vomitting to protect your bed or couch.

Thank you! I had no idea there was a difference. I will look into the incontinance pads as well. DD really does need a new mattress. The mattress she is sleeping on was inherited from my grandmother when dh and I got married 9 years ago and I'm sure was quite old before that. I will see how this system works and maybe we will be able to justify a new mattress for her.

[mamafish9]

What I'm hearing is that your DH doesn't respect your needs (GF for you, which it sounds like is well understood and documented), and doesn't want to provide you with the tools to deal with the consequences of not keeping your daughter GF and lactose free. For me, that's not really about allergies - it's about respect. I wonder if this is tangled up in other stuff for your DH, or for the two of you together...

[lil_miss_understood]

I second the allergist. DS1 was a bedwetter from dairy and it wasn't "lactose intolerance", it is an IgE ("true") allergy, which can worsen unexpectedly.
Also, if you are gluten intolerant, particularly if it's Celiac Disease rather than "simple" gluten intolerance, I would strongly urge you to keep her gluten free as well since it's a known intolerance for her. Along with the gut damage and increased risk of stomach cancer later in life from untreated CD (not avoiding gluten, in other words), the antibodies from this illness may be a trigger for other autoimmune diseases.
from here:

"We believe that undiagnosed celiac disease can cause other disorders by switching on some as yet unknown immunological mechanism. Untreated celiac patients produce organ-specific autoantibodies."

I would consider investing in some safe ice cream cones (sugar cones, if you prefer) and a thermal bag in which to bring home the safe ice cream.

[lil_miss_understood]

Just re-read your OP, and have to give a big to mamafish's post.

[JaneS]

Maybe your DD "only" wets the bed and breaks out in bumps now, but continuing gluten, even trace amounts, can set her up for an autoimmune condition later:

Before the Villi are Gone
http://www.celiac.com/articles/759/1...-MD/Page1.html

It is my understanding is that if you are lactose intolerance, your villi have already been shortened, it can be just a symptom of a larger problem.

Ditto to mamafish's post too. I think this warrants marriage counselling. We went too late to solve these types of problems in our marriage and it's now over.

[camprunner]

Thanks for all the responses. It is my belief that she does have Celiac disease and we are very careful with gluten for both her and I. I carry the DQ2 gene as well as DQ7 which is known to be sort of a half gene most of the time. She doesn't react to cheese or butter so we are assuming lactose intolerance which seems to run in my family. Honestly, the reactions have lessened since we took gluten out of her diet (she's been off gluten since February) but instead of wetting the bed every night for 3 days after exposure, it's now only on the third night. I do believe that if he would cooperate with the lactose exposure, it may go away entirely. I don't want to have her tested for Celiac though since we know how to treat it. Putting that on her medical records doesn't seem necessary. Maybe I've made a mistake emphasizing how important it is to keep her off of gluten and be so careful about that but allowing the lactaid to be taken with lactose?

[lil_miss_understood]

Originally Posted by camprunner

Thanks for all the responses. It is my belief that she does have Celiac disease and we are very careful with gluten for both her and I. I carry the DQ2 gene as well as DQ7 which is known to be sort of a half gene most of the time. She doesn't react to cheese or butter so we are assuming lactose intolerance which seems to run in my family. Honestly, the reactions have lessened since we took gluten out of her diet (she's been off gluten since February) but instead of wetting the bed every night for 3 days after exposure, it's now only on the third night. I do believe that if he would cooperate with the lactose exposure, it may go away entirely. I don't want to have her tested for Celiac though since we know how to treat it. Putting that on her medical records doesn't seem necessary. Maybe I've made a mistake emphasizing how important it is to keep her off of gluten and be so careful about that but allowing the lactaid to be taken with lactose?

Although I wouldn't be too concerned with the testing, I disagree that putting it in her medical records isn't necessary. Again, having one autoimmune disorder increases your likelihood of having/developing another. And it sounds like you're pretty certain that that is the issue with her based on her genetics.
have to run but there was more I wanted to say

[mamafish9]

If she has celiac (or if you do), eating gluten could make her really sick over time, or shorten her life. If your husband needs the "medical proof" to believe that, I'd personally seek it out.

[camprunner]

It's not avoiding gluten exactly. He's fine with that. He knows we got new pots and pans and that we don't keep gluten in our house at all. He won't give her cake or anything BUT it's not good for us to eat out regularly due to cross contamination that may or may not happen at restaurants and he prefers to eat out at minimum once a week and it really should be reserved for very special occasions. The lactose is an issue because she can have it with the lactaid tablet on special occasions but he wants to do it all the time. I guess I just want him to understand that it's not a good idea just to expose us to this stuff because he has an urge to go eat some where.

[mamafish9]

Avoiding gluten means avoiding xcon. So it sounds like he isn't fine with it . If you don't have safe restaurants you can eat at, then it's a health risk to eat out.

I'd also say that she might get lactose back sooner if you go off it completely for a while. If the lactaid works once a week, but not more, I'd guess it's not completely dealing with the lactose, you maybe just can't see the reaction initially?

[lil_miss_understood]

What is it, exactly, that he enjoys about eating out? Is it that he feels it's his way of "making supper" for the family? His way of giving you a break in the kitchen? (Assuming here that you prepare the family meals.) Is it the food? The atmosphere?
I think that finding out WHY he wants to eat out so often might be a good first step in addressing the issue. I mean, if it's simply that he misses his favourite foods, perhaps you could compromise and he could order (take out) from that restaurant one night a week while you make something similar for everyone else at home. If it's "giving you a break"... I'm really not certain what to suggest except perhaps that he could order from there and invest in some easy safe freezer meals that he could make at home. Or you guys could agree to use paper plates once a week instead. Or... I don't know. Because it all depends on what the reasoning is in eating out so often, yk?
I really hope you're not taking any of this as bashing either you OR your DH and that our ideas are helping you.

[camprunner]

What is it, exactly, that he enjoys about eating out? Is it that he feels it's his way of "making supper" for the family? His way of giving you a break in the kitchen? (Assuming here that you prepare the family meals.) Is it the food? The atmosphere?

He does do a lot of the cooking (by his choice) but even when I cook for long periods of time, he does this. Even when we have leftovers to just heat up, he does this. I really think it's the atmosphere more than anything else.

If you don't have safe restaurants you can eat at, then it's a health risk to eat out.

Maybe I'm just super cautious but I feel like anytime we eat at a restaurant that also serves dishes with gluten in them, we are risking cross contamination, even if they have a gluten free menu and are super careful. Even if they have a gluten free menu and we haven't had a reaction, I feel that the 99% of the time, our meals should be at home in our gluten free kitchen. Right now, with being pregnant, I especially don't want to take a risk so I'll fix myself something at home when they go to a "safe" restuarant if at all possible. We don't eat a lot of processed food so we really do try to keep the risk down at home. DH believes that if the restaurant a gluten free menu and/or can verify the ingredients do not contain gluten and are not fried in the same fryer with gluten then it is completely safe as if it were our own kitchen. So it's not that he doesn't care, he's just of a different opinion.

[deminc]

To be honest your DH sounds like he's being as careful as he can outside. It probably is more the going out part that's hard to negotiate, and I can understand. My DH is somewhat like that, he gets cabin fever if he doesn't go out two evenings in a row. Three evenings home in a row is the maximum for him. Before we found out about DS2's food sensitivities, we used to go out so much and I resented it then because I have been running around the kids all day and I was tired, but he had been sitting in an office all day so he wanted to go out.

What we do now sometimes is to eat at home first, then go out to do some night groceries or just walk around the shops. If I'm super tired I will stay in and the two kids follow him out after dinner to the library or something. (Yeah, he just needs to walk around, mingle with the crowd and feel like he's part of society I guess, haha). It really doesn't matter to him WHERE he goes, as long he goes SOMEWHERE. If we plan to sit down in a cafe, we will buy a snack that ds2 can have and bring it along so he doesn't feel like he's missing out.

If we are eating out (abt once or twice a week now), I will usually make part of the meal at home for ds2. We will share the baked potatoes or any other safe food, but the main stuff that we cannot be sure about, we will bring from home.

It will work out somehow.