Alternatives to "no, please don't" for toddlers

[manitoba_mommy]

I can't help myself, I find myself falling into the "No, please do not do that!" mode with Samantha when she is doing something that is unacceptable. I know she can understand a bit, but she can not understand long explinations yet. So, what are my options?

Here is a recent scenario, she has started biting while nurseing, or randomly occasionaly, and watching the reaction. She thinks it is funny when someone jumps and say "OWIE!!!". I try to tone down my response but it is realy hard to ask a 6 year old not to shriek when a toddler bites them. I find myself saying "no Sam, that is not ok, we do not bite!" and then removing her from the situation. I understand that "no's" and "Dont's" are not terribly effective, so what is the alternative? How would you, as an experienced GD parent, handle the above situation?

TIA!

MM

ps; Amy wants me to put on this smilie so hope you don't mind :LOL

[TeaBag]

We just use the simple "Not for ______" phrase and "That's not Appropriate" The biting thing, I'd just say "We don't bite" and end the nursing session. With our oldest (5yo), when he wants to laugh when toddler does something inappropriate, we ask him to respect the person who's getting hurt. And then we make sure to show him examples of when she's copying him doing something appropriate, cleaning up the toyroom for example. She follows along with what he does, adn I make sure to point it out to him. "see what your sister is doing? Wow! She sure does love you to want to follow you all the time! That's a big responsibility, you know....because if you do something inappropriate, she will follow that too!" And just talk to him about how it feels to have that kind of influence on someone, and how he always wants to please us because he loves us, and she wants to please him too because she loves him, etc, etc, etc. It's kind of working because when she does something, he might laugh, but he doesn't drag it out saying "Do it again!" like he used to! LOL! I guess it comes down to, for us, just expecting age appropriate behavior....he's five and she's 21 months....they're going to feed off each other, right?

[hipumpkins]

I am sure I say, "no" more than I should but I try to use for it serious "NOs" Things that are imenent (sp) danger. For instance we were at the Y and right at a baby's arms length is an electrical outlet. DD went for it and I said, "nononoonno" and she stopped in her tracks. She really knows when I say , "NO" to stop immediately. Otherwise we say things like, "soda is not for babies right?"
If I were in your situation in regards to biting I think I would use an important "NO" for that one. Then redirect to somehting else.

[mamalita]

Hi! I had a biter as well (teething related). It sounds like teething is probably the culprit. I have always tried to keep the "nos" to a minimum (ds is 20 months) for lots of reasons. For the biting, what we said was "biting hurts people" and then we'd keep something handy like a teether/wet washcloth, etc. that he *could* bite and say "but you can bite this if you need to bite something". This kind of worked - seriously sometimes I ended up repeating it like, 30 times in a day during the tough times. My DS has outgrown this, so I can tell you it really is a phase. Hope this helps!

[Korwynne]

:LOL I just wanted to say that my 2 1/2 year old told me something wasn't acceptable the other day :LOL

The biting is a stage, usually with teething. My son hasn't done this yet (he's 15 months old and his first tooth is still just starting to come in), but my little girl did so.. I'd tell her "it's not okay to bite Mommy... that hurts. If you'd like to practice using your teeth, we'll go get you a teething ring." I'd give it to her and tell her "that's nice and cold and feels good on your teeth.. it's hard work to get teeth and sometimes they hurt and you like to bite with them.. but we may not bite people."

[L.J.]

I usually say something like, "biting (or whatever) hurts people." I've also said that throwing a toy could break the toy or damage something else.

[sandrajoon]

nak

this doesn't apply for biting but works well for other situations. give the child a 'job description'. Instead of "no, don't stand up on the couch" try "feet stay on the floor", or instead of no yelling try "use your quiet inside voice". MY wise sister uses this approach and it really works. It helps to remember that children may not know what it is we expect from them, and articulating that is very helpful - it really does give them a job description!

A great book is the Family Virtues Guide by Linda Kavelin Popov. She articulates many of the virtues and helps parents find a language to guide their children to use them.

[Bippity]

When we were training our puppy, the instructor advised us to not use the word "no" - that it was ineffective. She recommended a sound - a short "stuttering" "ah ah ah" or "eh eh eh". So that's what we've used with the puppy from day one.

So now fast forward to DD who is 11 months. She's heard us using this toward the dog since birth, so when she's about to pull something down on top of herself or sticking a bit of "who-knows-what" from the carpet into her mouth & we can't get there quick enough, we just automatically go "eh eh eh" and she looks and stops long enough for us to get over to her. If DH makes the noise too harshly - she cries and then he feels awful! She's so amazingly sensitive and aware! It amazes me that she's figured out somehow just from watching the dog that that's a "no-no" sound. I guess we're using it as an attention getter with her and it works!

I hope this doesn't mean I'm raising my DD like a dog! :LOL

[manitoba_mommy]

:LOL Oh that was funny! No, I can see where it would be an automatic response rather then an attempt to treat her like a dog.

Thank you everyone btw, these ideas are realy helping. I never stumbled onto the GD concept until my older girls were well able to understand explinations and we could discuss things so this is new territory for me. All of the ideas are great.

MM