Grieving the last few weeks of "what could have been" - Page 2

[BellaBearsMommy]

I also went through this.  I gave birth to Bella when I was 23 weeks.  I wasnt suppose to have her for another 17 weeks.  I had just started to feel her kick.. started to look a little pregnant.. it came out of nowhere that night.. i remember when she was born all i could do was stare at the ceiling.. i didnt think anything, didnt feel any emotion, just stared..... an then i went into the mode of shock..... we flew to the university of mn 5 days after she was born ..9 hours away from home.. 9 hours away from family or anybody i knew.. we stayed there for 4 and a half months.. we just got home 5 days ago.. and i have had off an on feelings like this.. sometimes i would walk to the hospital and as i was walking i would ask "why me god?  am i being punished for something? i was supposed to be pregnant for the holidays decorating the tree and pigging out and complaining about how fat and uncomfortable i was" .. after i had bella i had feelings in my stomach like she was in there still kicking.. she was still in there! .. I became good friends with alot of Bella's nurses and even the receptionists at the NICU.. I talked to them.. I talked to her main primary nurse about the crazy dreams and hallucinations I would have in the night.. she told me it was seperation anxiety.. Talk to the nurses, talk to the social worker, the people who work in the NICU may not know what you are entirely going through but they also see how fragile, small, and how early your baby is.. talk to other NICU parents.. talk to the people who understand, because talking to the people who have never worked in a NICU or gone through an experience like this wont understand.. they never will..

[pigirl]

I'm right here with you, too.  My water broke in the middle of the night at 34 weeks-- no warning signs at all-- so at 3am we ran off to the hospital.  No bag packed, a messy house with no food put away, we didn't have a nursery set up, we hadn't had my shower yet, we didn't even have a mattress for the baby's crib yet.  We had had just one childbirth class.  And ironically enough we had hired a doula just hours before my water broke, and had set up weeks of appointments for me including prenatal massage I was so excited about.  Instead, I was in the hospital for a week (a 98 hour induced labor) and then my son was hospitalized for a week after that.  (I know, just a week for him, we were very blessed despite it all.)  We'd been taking weekly pregnancy pictures all along, so on the day we were supposed to do week 35 my husband tried to take a picture and I just lost it.  My baby was upstairs in the CCN and had had his first desat that day, and I felt like such a failure for not carrying him to term.  The guilt I felt was enormous, just beyond words.  Even now that he's a healthy two year old, I still grieve what we missed.  We took an infant massage class when he was a few months old, and the teacher asked us to each describe that first moment after birth when our baby was placed on our chest and I wanted to sock her.  Because I so desperately wanted to have had that, instead of having my baby whisked away immediately, and her assumption that we'd all had a birth like that was salt in the wound.  Our situation didn't even end that badly-- I managed a vaginal birth against all odds, we didn't have any major complications with me or my son, and I was able to breastfeed exclusively after about 3 weeks--  but the trauma of it still lingers.  My husband actually fell into a bad depression over it, which was an enormous strain on our marriage.  I'm pregnant again now, and so so terrified of going through that all again.  I guess, all of which is to say, you're really not alone here.  Thanks for speaking up.  It's been healing to read other people's stories, and to hear others having similar feelings.  People don't talk about this enough!

[~Adorkable~]

was so glad to come across this thread, my story is easy in comparison to many  of you, but i still feel so much lost. went into labor with my twins on christmas night 35w 5d, really not that early.

but we had so much still to enjoy and do, i hadnt taken my pregnancy pictures or set up stuff  for my home birth or postpartum relaxation. my mom wasn't here

the answer to nearly everything was "and then i went into labor"  

i was enjoying pregnancy so much and it was my only one i will get, we do not plan to have any more kids. so missing out on parts of this pregnancy hit me really hard.

it didnt help that we had a military move that took up most of the rest of my pregnancy, we drove across the county at 19 weeks

after i got home from the hospital looking in the mirror made me sad, it still does, i miss my belly, my glow replaced by just plain tired.

i love my twins and im so so happy that they are healthy and nearly full term, i just wish so much i would have had those final weeks