How do I deal with this!!!!

[herbalshakti]

So I have been seperated for about two months. I finally left an abusive relationship. Its been really hard for me. Sometimes I feel like the only thing keeping me afloat is my kids and my education (currently pursuing my master's). My x knows that our relationship had turned very very toxic as he was super down on himself the too many times he reacted physically toward me. I have spent 7 years with him starting at 20 and it wasn't always blatantly physically abusive, it started with agression and escalated from thereto full on . He is 9 years older. I loved him but I did not leave my own family's abusive home to work my but off through college and then end up with a man to create dysfunction all over again....so I left..its hard, we have two amazing kids and I feel like a bad mom everytime I leave them...the latest development is my x making me feel guilty...he says "I'm happier without him", that I even "look happier" ...I tell him that no, I'm actually very sad and depressed and he says then why dont I come back. he doesn't get it and its driving me nuts. He tries to act like I really don't love him anymore and that's why..but I can't trust him any longer and I can't believe that if I go back things have changed. I don't want to ever go through this process again and I really do feel like I have survived one of the hardest parts, getting up and actually leaving.. its hard to talk to him and as shallow as this sounds I think a fundamental thing is he desires to be sexual with me, while my cells hold the memory of his touch good & bad...

[Lisa1970]

Maybe you could try couples counseling. I am not meaning with the idea of getting back together, but rather mending your relationship enough that you both can move on and have closure on the relationship. It sounds like he needs to understand why you are gone and maybe you would like the chance to work through things yourself. In the end, the children will benefit as the two of you will co parent for the next rest of eternity.

Good luck and good job on getting out of an abusive relationship. That says a lot (good) about you!

[chimomma]

I know this might not be easy to put into practice but try to stop caring what he thinks. You said you can't trust him, then don't base your feelings off his feelings. Are you happier now? Good if you are! That is showing you made a good decision. Do you love him? You don't have to and you don't have to prove anything to him. You are no longer in this relationship, so don't mind what he feels. He wasnt caring about what you felt as he abused you. You don't owe him any caring. Remember you are not the one who detroyed the family by leaving. He destroyed it by abusing you. That is nothing to feel guilty about. You are very strong to leave and deserve a big congrats!

[meemee]

Originally Posted by herbalshakti

Its been really hard for me. Sometimes I feel like the only thing keeping me afloat is my kids and my education (currently pursuing my master's).

aaaaah mama 90% of the moms here have survived just the way you have.

they have walked the same path as you.

drown yourself in your studies. you have to discipline your thoughts. find your way.

but know that time heals. it really does even though it doesnt seem so now.

[EarthRootsStarSoul]

Originally Posted by Lisa1970

Maybe you could try couples counseling. I am not meaning with the idea of getting back together, but rather mending your relationship enough that you both can move on and have closure on the relationship. It sounds like he needs to understand why you are gone and maybe you would like the chance to work through things yourself. In the end, the children will benefit as the two of you will co parent for the next rest of eternity.

Good luck and good job on getting out of an abusive relationship. That says a lot (good) about you!

No, don't try couples counseling. Stand your ground, you were right to leave. It takes time to cut the emotional bond you still have with him, but I promise you will feel less and less attached to him over time. Move ahead with YOUR life, and just focus on the people that are GOOD for YOU. Don't waste time with people that hurt you, that don't believe in you, or that bring you down. Claim yourself! You belong to yourself! And you deserve the best!

[Halfasianmomma]

IMO, counselling is not useful because the man is abusive. In cases such as these, counselling can escalate the situation.

Thankfully, you are out of the relationship. I strongly advise that you cut all contact to a minimum except where your children and visitation are involved. Aside from that, your STBX has no business accusing you of being happier outside the relationship, and you own him NOTHING in return--not an explanation, and certainly not sexual contact. You're obviously allowed to be sad--change is hard, but you certainly don't need to justify yourself to anyone, especially him.

From reading your post over again, it sounds like you are looking for validation from him, recognition that what he did was abusive, but unless he's in serious individual counselling and working on himself, I don't think you'll ever get it. I know it's hard to move on without that validation, but it's really the only option you have. Short of that, you'll end up feeling needlessly guilty and frustrated when you really don't need to.

I second the suggestion to bury yourself in your studies. Time to focus on something else than the abusive partner you finally left behind.

[MissLotus]

Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma

IMO, counselling is not useful because the man is abusive. In cases such as these, counselling can escalate the situation.
Thankfully, you are out of the relationship. I strongly advise that you cut all contact to a minimum except where your children and visitation are involved. Aside from that, your STBX has no business accusing you of being happier outside the relationship, and you own him NOTHING in return--not an explanation, and certainly not sexual contact. You're obviously allowed to be sad--change is hard, but you certainly don't need to justify yourself to anyone, especially him.

From reading your post over again, it sounds like you are looking for validation from him, recognition that what he did was abusive, but unless he's in serious individual counselling and working on himself, I don't think you'll ever get it. I know it's hard to move on without that validation, but it's really the only option you have. Short of that, you'll end up feeling needlessly guilty and frustrated when you really don't need to.

I second the suggestion to bury yourself in your studies. Time to focus on something else than the abusive partner you finally left behind.

Yes, this is true. In abusive relationships, the abuser is often able to hoodwink the counselor and actually ends up feeling like he gets "permission" to abuse his victim more.

So first of all: Good for you for getting out of that mess. That was the biggest step and YOU DID IT! Second of all: Why are you still conversing with him about personal things? It's not an accusation - I know it's easy to get sucked into. But part of leaving the relationship is also leaving the DYNAMICS of the relationship behind - and those can only occur with contact with this person. Yes, you have children together so you have to communicate sometimes - but keep it strictly about them.

Regarding: ...he says "I'm happier without him", that I even "look happier" ...I tell him that no, I'm actually very sad and depressed and he says then why dont I come back. he doesn't get it ...well, of course you're happier not being with an abusive man - very astute of him. But please, please stop telling him how you feel, because he's just going to respond in a manipulative way, and the whole cycle goes on forever. And don't give him a chance to even COMMENT about you. You could tell him that all contact will be via e-mail, for example. He won't like it but tough. Someone who hurt you doesn't get to decide how things are.

It seems you are still all roiled up in his emotional clutches, but "fake it till you make it". Distance yourself, and after a while, it won't be difficult to do so. Trust me, it won't seem tempting to have anything to do with him because you will fully see him for what he is.

[mommy_to_2angels]

You are getting a lot of great advice. Advice that I wish i had thought to get when I first split up with my ex. I didn't realize that I was being abused until I was pretty deep in. Probably because I had been treated that way my entire life, so it just seemed normal to me. I left him 10 months ago, when a friend of mine helped me to realize what was happening to me. I had already mostly disassociated myself with my feelings for him but the guilt stayed. I am finally, FINALLY, getting to the point where I can tell him no without feeling guilty. I refuse to discuss my boyfriend, my love life, my feelings and anything that is not the children. I had to... as patient as my boyfriend has been, he was getting fed up with the continuing abuse. I am not going to risk something good being lost for an abusive jerk. My BF is so supportive and helps me to realize...I don't deserve that treatment. I am a great mom and a good person and anyone who says otherwise, doesn't need to be a significant part of my life.

That being said, don't let him bring you down. There's sunshine at the end of the storm. You just have to keep pushing through. If you need to chat, feel free to PM me.

[provocativa]

mama, you have to disengage. just tell him this is not open for discussion, if he has anything to say about the kids, then say it. if not, then the convo is over. tell him that if this continues, you will have to move towards communicating via email. they will be hard words for you to say, but easy to live with. in many states you will have to take parenting classes or time sharing classes as part of the divorce process, which can help with communication, rather than going to counseling with an abusive person, which is a bad idea. you are not a bad mom because you have to leave them to work- he is a bad father because he abused you!

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by Lisa1970

Maybe you could try couples counseling. I am not meaning with the idea of getting back together, but rather mending your relationship enough that you both can move on and have closure on the relationship. It sounds like he needs to understand why you are gone and maybe you would like the chance to work through things yourself. In the end, the children will benefit as the two of you will co parent for the next rest of eternity.

Good luck and good job on getting out of an abusive relationship. That says a lot (good) about you!

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

Counseling is contraindicated in abusive relationships. OP - read the book "Why does he DO that?" by Lundy Bancroft. It's amazing, and seriously changed my life.