Slow-to-warm, won't try new things...

[tryingfortwo]

Our 3.5yo son has always been a slow-to-warm, cautious child. At home, he is full of energy and doesn't stop talking. But when we're out, he's much more reserved. In either situation, he is very adamant that he doesn't want to try new things - but particularly when we are out. For example, today we went to Legoland, and tried to get him to try a new ride (very tame, with us beside him) - he was content to watch the ride, but freaked out when we tried to take him on. We're not ones to push him, so we gently try to encourage it, but if it's clear he's getting upset, we stop. Similar things happen when I try to take him to storytime at the library, or a gym class at a local childs center - both are activities where I can come along and be beside him, but all he wants to do is sit on the sidelines and watch. And food - well, that is a whole other topic. He refuses to try anything new, and we're constantly feeding him the same thing. At this point, I tend to just make something that I know he'll eat - I'll put a little bit of what we're eating on the plate, but since I know he won't eat it, I feel like I have to give him something that he'll eat.

Any advice on how we can gently help him be open to trying new things, both new activities and new foods? I know it's his temperment to be cautious, and I don't want to push him into doing something that he doesn't want to do (and feel that it would actually make things worse, because he would just freak out). But at the same time, I know that he needs to get past whatever anxiety he has about trying something new if he's going to be able to do anything. I really feel like I am failing him, and want to help him enjoy new things!

Thanks for any advice!

[AllisonR]

Wow, 3 years ago I could have written your post, word for word. My guess is your DS will never be the first on the block to do backflips off the high bar. But that doesn't mean he is "stuck" like this - he may get more and more comfortable trying new things as he ages.

I'll just say what worked for us, and what didn't. Pushing - of ANY sort - "try this DS" or a gentle push or even just subtle encouragement - always backfired. He would clam up and hold closer to me than ever. Yes, I was bummed all the 3.5 year olds were running around the playground, trying new things, playing with each other, while I just looked like a terrible helicopter mom (I wasn't - it was his choice) and he looked like he could not do a thing. It sucked. But no matter how subtle the push, it made him feel uncomfortable. Also, he HATED large groups. I mean squeezing my hand for dear life and sweating and you could see the fear on him.

What did work was combination of totally letting go, and doing some of the same things multiple times.

Example: 5 kids were playing at the local playground, but he would just sit over in the corner and occasionally watch and dig up some dirt for 45 min. So I did not interfere at all, and let him do that. I stopped asking if he wanted to play with them or try this or that. Occasionally I'd also encourage what he was doing, even if I thought it was antisocial or whatever - "if you keep digging, you can get to china. Do you want me to join you?"

Also, we kept to smaller gatherings when possible. He was better being social with 1 or 2 other kids, than with 10. So we did small play dates.... And if we had to do a really large gathering, then I just accepted that he was uncomfortable and would be clinging to me, and so I let him. This didn't make him more clingy. I think it made him feel better knowing I was always going to be there if he needed, so he could take baby steps to join the others - of course very slowly - probably after 3 hours when everyone else is just getting ready to leave.

And the second thing I did was keep coming to the same places. So we would go back to this playground regularly. Then he got more and more comfortable with the specific environment. And over time he would see some of the same kids coming back. And sometimes it would be only 1 or 2 other kids, instead of 5 or 10, which made him more comfortable and able to go out and try some of the equipment, and eventually to start interacting with some of these kids. It was baby steps. At first he would just try to play a minute with another child, if they initiated contact. Then more and more. He is 6 now. And he is just a regular kid, that will never be first to be social in a huge group, be he will for sure join in and contribute, even suggest games... He has a few good friends, asks for some to come over and play. He is having 16 boys over this afternoon for his birthday - his choice. He is comfortable and confident in himself, which is really important, imo.

And I notice your name "tryingfortwo" - I'll also point out that what helped my DS out of his shell IMMENSELY was DD. She is a whole 'nother ball of wax, so wild and outgoing. She is 2 y younger, so when she was a baby it didn't change him much, but by the time she was 2 and he was 4, he would watch her and then follow along and do things he would not have before. It's VERY different having a sibling rush down the wild slide laughing than it is to have mom or dad suggest to go down the wild side, or even mom or dad going down the wild slide first. It's just really different, from the child's p.o.v.

[jillmamma]

Originally Posted by AllisonR

And I notice your name "tryingfortwo" - I'll also point out that what helped my DS out of his shell IMMENSELY was DD. She is a whole 'nother ball of wax, so wild and outgoing. She is 2 y younger, so when she was a baby it didn't change him much, but by the time she was 2 and he was 4, he would watch her and then follow along and do things he would not have before. It's VERY different having a sibling rush down the wild slide laughing than it is to have mom or dad suggest to go down the wild side, or even mom or dad going down the wild slide first. It's just really different, from the child's p.o.v.

I was this same type of kid, and my DS was like this too. My sister who is one year younger, and his sister who is two and a half years younger made a big difference...if the younger sister can try it and be okay, then the older one is more willing to try it too. Another thing that helped is to have a close friend try a new activity with him, so at least he is not alone.

[heathenmom]

Originally Posted by AllisonR

Wow, 3 years ago I could have written your post, word for word. My guess is your DS will never be the first on the block to do backflips off the high bar. But that doesn't mean he is "stuck" like this - he may get more and more comfortable trying new things as he ages.

I'll just say what worked for us, and what didn't. Pushing - of ANY sort - "try this DS" or a gentle push or even just subtle encouragement - always backfired. He would clam up and hold closer to me than ever. Yes, I was bummed all the 3.5 year olds were running around the playground, trying new things, playing with each other, while I just looked like a terrible helicopter mom (I wasn't - it was his choice) and he looked like he could not do a thing. It sucked. But no matter how subtle the push, it made him feel uncomfortable. Also, he HATED large groups. I mean squeezing my hand for dear life and sweating and you could see the fear on him.

What did work was combination of totally letting go, and doing some of the same things multiple times.

Example: 5 kids were playing at the local playground, but he would just sit over in the corner and occasionally watch and dig up some dirt for 45 min. So I did not interfere at all, and let him do that. I stopped asking if he wanted to play with them or try this or that. Occasionally I'd also encourage what he was doing, even if I thought it was antisocial or whatever - "if you keep digging, you can get to china. Do you want me to join you?"

Also, we kept to smaller gatherings when possible. He was better being social with 1 or 2 other kids, than with 10. So we did small play dates.... And if we had to do a really large gathering, then I just accepted that he was uncomfortable and would be clinging to me, and so I let him. This didn't make him more clingy. I think it made him feel better knowing I was always going to be there if he needed, so he could take baby steps to join the others - of course very slowly - probably after 3 hours when everyone else is just getting ready to leave.

And the second thing I did was keep coming to the same places. So we would go back to this playground regularly. Then he got more and more comfortable with the specific environment. And over time he would see some of the same kids coming back. And sometimes it would be only 1 or 2 other kids, instead of 5 or 10, which made him more comfortable and able to go out and try some of the equipment, and eventually to start interacting with some of these kids. It was baby steps. At first he would just try to play a minute with another child, if they initiated contact. Then more and more. He is 6 now. And he is just a regular kid, that will never be first to be social in a huge group, be he will for sure join in and contribute, even suggest games... He has a few good friends, asks for some to come over and play. He is having 16 boys over this afternoon for his birthday - his choice. He is comfortable and confident in himself, which is really important, imo.

And I notice your name "tryingfortwo" - I'll also point out that what helped my DS out of his shell IMMENSELY was DD. She is a whole 'nother ball of wax, so wild and outgoing. She is 2 y younger, so when she was a baby it didn't change him much, but by the time she was 2 and he was 4, he would watch her and then follow along and do things he would not have before. It's VERY different having a sibling rush down the wild slide laughing than it is to have mom or dad suggest to go down the wild side, or even mom or dad going down the wild slide first. It's just really different, from the child's p.o.v.

Ditto to this ENTIRE post ... right down to the sibling ages, except both mine are girls. I don't know how your parental dynamics play into this, but for us ... dh was much less comfortable just letting her be. When we'd go to events that he felt should be fun for her but were just too loud and overwhelming, he'd get frustrated and try to force her to participate. That never, ever, not even ONCE went well. She'll always be our cautious, reserved girl, ESPECIALLY when compared to her buck-wild sister, but that's just how she rolls. And she is much more self-confident now than I ever hoped for when she was 3 or 4.

[heathenmom]

I totally missed the part about the food! DD#1 is STILL weird about new foods, but she's better than she was. (She refused to even try ICE CREAM for years!! Man, when she finally tasted that ... ) I really grew tired of the utterly useless "just-try-one-bite" routine, especially when she literally threw up. So now I make whatever I'm going to make, and I try to include at least one thing I know she likes. And if she doesn't like that, she can eat a pb&j or some cheese and fruit/veggies. No biggie.

[ChetMC]

Nothing Wrong

There's nothing wrong with your DS. If he communicates to you that he really wants do things but is afraid, that's different and it's a problem that legitimately needs to be addressed. However, if he is content to observe, or he just enjoys individual or intimate activities instead, that's okay. Nobody needs to go on the rides at Legoland or sit on a mat on the floor at the library story time.

Some of this comes with age too. Many five and six year olds are keen to join in with stuff that they would have just watched at three or four.

It's funny too how different characteristic are considered desirable at different ages. Parents want their preschoolers to join in and do what the other kids are doing, to be outgoing and try everything, but then they want their teens to resist peer pressure, be their own person and to be more cautious.

My advice for activities would be to help your DS do the things that he wants to do and to otherwise not worry about it.

[tryingfortwo]

Thank you all so much for your responses - it is just so reassuring to hear from moms who have been there/done that. Deep down I know that pushing him doesn't accomplish anything positive (which is why we don't really push at all), but it's just so hard to just sit back and trust that he'll be more open to things as he gets older, without us helping him get there, you know? So anyways, very comforting to hear that your children all become more comfortable and confident as they got a bit older!

I also totally get the sibling thing - sadly, we've been TTCing for 2 years now, and I don't know if DS will ever have a sibling I also think that having a 2nd child would benefit DH and I and how we think about parenting - I think that if/when a 2nd child has a different personality, it's so much easier to see what things are just personality traits that have nothing to do with our parenting. If baby #2 was totally adventurous and open to trying new things, we'd realize that it's not something we did or didn't do that resulted in DS's cautious personality, it's just who he is. Which we do know, but it's easy to forget sometimes, you know?

Anyways, I think I will continue to do what I'm doing, which is to take him to activities, playdates, etc, but not push him into doing more than watching. I'll just ask each time if he wants to go out and try it, and if so, fantastic - if not, we'll continue to watch from the sidelines. That's been my approach until now, but part of me just worried I needed to be more proactively encouraging him to try new things, or else he'd never be open to it.

One question - do all of your children attend regular school? Or do you homeschool? Obviously DS isn't in preschool (that would NOT go well - LOL!), and so I've been trying to do activities that get him more comfortable with other kids and with me on the sideline - so far, he just watches, but at least he's exposed to it and has an opportunity to try it out if he wants. But anyways, I'm just wondering if any of your kids did preschool. If not, were they ready and willing to try school by the time kindergarten started? I'm not opposed to homeschooling, and if it's the right thing for DS, I will do it - but it's not something we are currently planning to do.

TIA!

[LynnS6]

I've got one of those too. In fact, I just posted about this not long ago!

Parents of slow to warm up children, take heart!

What did we do? Mostly, gave him time. Let him watch. Gave him multiple opportunities to say yes after he had a chance to watch. Tried a few things with him when he was in the 'uncertain' space. (If he was in full-on freak out mode, no.)

If it's any consolation, ds would go on any rides at age 3. Or 4. Or 5. Or 6. It wasn't until 8 that he would try. Same for team sports. He was 7 before he tried to ride a bike.

Is your son happy? Does he enjoy himself when he's out and when he's at home? then you're not failing him. He's 3. You know, there's not much a 3 year old HAS to experience to have a fulfilling life. A bath tub with some toys is as exciting as a water park.

[MamieCole]

Originally Posted by ChetMC

There's nothing wrong with your DS. If he communicates to you that he really wants do things but is afraid, that's different and it's a problem that legitimately needs to be addressed. However, if he is content to observe, or he just enjoys individual or intimate activities instead, that's okay. Nobody needs to go on the rides at Legoland or sit on a mat on the floor at the library story time.

Some of this comes with age too. Many five and six year olds are keen to join in with stuff that they would have just watched at three or four.

It's funny too how different characteristic are considered desirable at different ages. Parents want their preschoolers to join in and do what the other kids are doing, to be outgoing and try everything, but then they want their teens to resist peer pressure, be their own person and to be more cautious.

My advice for activities would be to help your DS do the things that he wants to do and to otherwise not worry about it.

I totally agree with this.

DS1 has been an introverted, highly sensitive person since the moment he was born. And that's ok. He has always preferred to observe rather than participate. He tries things he is interested in and wants to do. He doesn't do things he isn't interested in and doesn't want to do. It's my job to gently expose him to new things and let him make the call. It is not my job to project MY opinions about what is fun or desirable onto him and then judge him for being "wrong" by not liking what I think he "should" like. Not all 3 year olds enjoy running around with kids they don't know, climbing and jumping off stuff. He is perfectly capable of running, jumping, climbing, acting silly, etc. He just takes no pleasure in doing those things at a park with strangers. Not all people like being in large groups. And my DS is one of those people. Nothing wrong with it. He'd rather be in a small group.

There is a big difference between a preference and a problem. Just accept your kid for who he is. You might learn that there is just as much pleasure to be gained from sitting quietly, people watching or inspecting a leaf as there is from climbing a monkey bar.