to say or not to say "no"

[aravinda]

reading this forum i gather that gentle discipline has discovered that saying "no" is ineffective, and maybe worse ...? i am not aware of the theory behind this. any pointers?

dd is 9 mo old now and people have kind of put it out there that i should teach her "no" as it is a simple word she can understand that will keep her out of dangerous situations or even in cases where she may be pulling another baby's hair (obviously because she has no idea that it hurts). the first time she did this is was caught totally unprepared and silently pulled her back but i could tell that the other baby's mother expected more from me so i said to dd, "gentle touch!" with a voice full of concern and demonstrated what a gentle touch was.

i could go on doing this (with words that varied according to situation) but would a 9 mo old get the message if it is not consistent and simple? i am guessing as she gets more mobile there would be more ocassions where i have to keep her out of harming herself / others. how to do this without conveying negativity?

aravinda

[Ame]

aravinda, toddlers (including 9 month olds) learn to tune out no because it such a simple word that it gets over used. IMO no should only be used in a serious/dangerous situation. Young children respond best to facial expressions and tone of voice, attention getters, and re-direction.

It is always better to state things in the positive, than negative. You want your child to learn to respond to positive reinforcemnt...rather than realizing than negative attention is easier to get and usually more exciting.

In the case of pulling another childs hair, hitting, biting, etc. (which are all VERY normal developmentally) it is imperative that the caregiver immediatly re-direct the child....and use facial expression and tone of voice to express concern. At this age their brain is moving quick and they won't be interested long...so keep it short.

Infants and Toddlers understand complex language long before they can actually speak it....so yes, I believe they can understand multiple phrases, as opposed to just no, in a negative situation.

The next year and half is a time when children struggle to grasp where they stand in their world...it's imperative to help them grasp the concept of boundaries before they are 4.

It looks like you're doing a great job exploring what is best for you and your daughter. I'm sure you'll get smoe more opinions/ideas, and soon enough you'll figure out what works best for you.