I grew up with a very passive-aggressive mother, and although I could fight back (and did), I found that this behavior just tends to wear you down. I didn't realize how bad it could get until my wife and I lost our baby to stillbirth. My mother sent her a letter (she was famous for her hideous letters) and accused my wife of murder, and blamed the entire death of the baby on her. This was 2 weeks after the death, and my mother was working in a hospice at the time...go figure. Passive-aggressive people rarely think of anyone but themselves, and they will do many things to hurt those around them. Suffice it to say that my wife will probably never forgive my mother for that, and to be perfectly honest, I don't blame her.
However, I found that the only way to save myself from any more abuse (and there was a lot of abuse over the years) was to simply sever ties. This doesn't mean that I closed the door on my mother...I did not. I just chose not to initiate communication with her. My mother had never called me anyway (she only sent a letter once a year (perhaps once every other year). We have not communicated in over 10 years now and it has been the most restful, peaceful and productive years of my life. I justify my actions here by observing, and contrary to what most people have been raised to believe, particularly in western culture, when a child is (or has been) abused by a parent, the law of honoring one’s mother and/or father is suspended.
When parents abuse their own children there is a significant breach of trust and the abuser consequently forfeits any entitlement that is traditionally afforded to non-abusive parents.
Similarly, acceptance of abuse, by victims or non-committal bystanders, whether the abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, or psychological, also does nothing to serve any higher purpose. In fact, acceptance of abuse communicates that abusers, in particular parental abusers, have rights that victims do not have, which in effect is the epitome of bullying and abuse.
The abused can choose to react in a number of different ways, but it is always up to the abuser to correct their behavior and to seek reconciliation and forgiveness; never the other way around. When the abused “forgives” it is solely for their own well-being, so that they can move on in life without the continual thought of revenge or resentment, which only serves to destroy one’s self-esteem and self-confidence, and to prolong victimization.
As long as the proverbial door is left open it is then up to the abuser to open it, communicate, and to seek forgiveness. Failure to adhere to this one rule will only reinforce the abuser’s actions, and validate their behavior, which will then only serve the abuser and allow their abuse to continue
The way I look at it is that I know my mother has not had an accident where she lost both of her hands...if me not initiating communication with her bothers her in any way she is still free to use her healthy hands to pick up the phone and call any time she wants. She knows this, but it is she herself who has opted not to call....ever. It's definitely her decision though, but in the meantime I can certainly continue to live this way. After decades of abuse from her (and my brothers are quite messed up to this day because of this too) I feel that I have done really well putting as much distance between me and that life as possible. In my view it's one small sacrifice to find peace and harmony, and to move forward.
I hope this helps.