Approach and ask, or wait and do nothing?

[fuzzball]

DH and I are having quite the rough patch lately. We are starting counseling, but the D word keeps coming out of his mouth. He says he's not happy and can't find a way to be happy "in your (my) world" and may have to decide if he can be happy without me. He has also said he can't and doesn't want to live without me, but then he says he may leave anyway.

I'm apparently quite difficult to live with. So is he....

We've had a few huge fights recently, although the most recent argument (a couple of days ago) was just an argument and not quite as angry as some in the past.

Last night I had a bout of insomnia and was up early surfing around, and read a few things that really hit home with me. I sent him a short email (a few short paragraphs) telling him that I love him and always will, no matter what happens. I was so emotional while I was typing it that I was bawling my eyes out. I sent it, thinking he would read it sometime during the day at work, but when I got back from walking the dog, he was online. I know the first thing he does is check his email when he gets online, so I know he read it. We were home together for nearly an hour before he left for work.

No mention of the note, no real interaction. Some mornings we barely speak b/c we're on different schedules, getting ready in different parts of the house. But this morning it almost seemed like he was avoiding me. He didn't look up when I came in, didn't ever come into the same room as me. He was fine if I talked to him about things like our cell phones or whatever, but didn't address his feelings at all. I would have thought he'd either completely avoid me and be cold if he didn't like what I wrote, or at least hug me and thank me for the note if he did. He did neither.

I don't know what to do. There's nothing like pouring your heart out and being ignored. I'm so hurt right now and I'm trying not to be. I'm sure we'll talk later, but then I think, what if he doesn't bring it up? Do I just wait? Til when? Tomorrow? Tuesday? Never?

Communication, needless to say, is one of our huge issues. I talk, he doesn't respond. I have no idea what's going on. WWYD?

[Ellien C]

I would approach him and say something like: Did you get a chance to read my email (my DH avoids emails and regular mail for that matter, with uncomfortable subjects, like bills or something like this) OR, if you are certain he read it, I would just say: I'd like to talk about the email I wrote you. He probably doesn't know how to bring it up or isn't sure there is anything else more to say about it.

[GoBecGo]

I did this with XP when we were in the midst of our roughest patch. A few days later i asked "did you read it?" and he sighed and said in a bored tone "some of it". I left him. He didn't want to fix it. He didn't even want to know what was WRONG. And it was far from an "i hate you, you're rubbish!". I guess he's kicked himself since, but i wasn't able to go on hanging on for a response he was never going to give me. Sometimes i look back at it all and see he just strung me along for 3.5 years....

[MissMaegie'sMama]

I would approach and ask. He might be waiting for you to begin the conversation, especially since you pledged to continue loving him no matter what he chooses to do with your marriage. It's possible your email made him question his motives and intentions, and he's in a sort of "sleep mode" where he needs you to prompt him before he can respond. You have more to lose if you don't ask. Ellien C offered some good starting points.

Good luck!

[Ravenlunatic]

I like what others have posted... don't even ask if he read it, just say you want to talk about it. I know it can be rough during this phase of a relationship, but watch that you don't sabatage things.

An example is... you poured your heart out in an email and now you think HE needs to provide you with something... an immediate response. For one, he may have read part of it and thought this is too heavy, i'll read it later or maybe he read all of it, rolled his eyes and thought oh great, now we have to talk about all of this. or maybe he read the entire email and thought How sweet, my wife loves meor wow, great, even though we're getting Divorced we'll be able to be friends...I mean you can go on and on and on.

JUST TALK TO HIM. I know, he won't talk. I have a DH who doesn't say much either, but it is up to you and what you want and what you say. Stay grounded and KNOW what you want.

It already sounds like he may have made up his mind about divorce since it keeps coming up. Ask him if he has made up his mind already? Let him know that you can 'take it' and he needs to be honest.

Remember what you wrote, too, about loving him no matter what.

[swd12422]

Originally Posted by Ravenlunatic

...

An example is... you poured your heart out in an email and now you think HE needs to provide you with something... an immediate response. ...

This is something I know I need to work on, too. You need to communicate, but you also need to stop expecting to get anything back. If your expectations are too high/unrealistic (i.e., you're expecting a huge dramatic reaction when he generally doesn't even talk much), you're setting yourself up for feelings of failure and resentment, neither of which will help in this situation.

[provocativa]

i would not want to talk about something emotional before work, (who wants to show up with red rimmed eyes, and have to listen to the what's wrong? questions from people you don't really like?) and i would need time to think about the issues in your email before i was ready to talk about it. some people / experts call it being an emotional introvert rather than an emotional extrovert- the needing time to thing to oneself first, before sharing. emotional extroverts feel better with the sharing, that's how they process emotions. for emotional introverts the sharing is stressful.

[Storm Bride]

I'd talk to him about it - after work. But, I agree that you can't expect him to have some kind of intense reaction if that's not the way he usually responds. Some people just aren't wired up that way.

I did want to comment on this:

Originally Posted by Ravenlunatic

It already sounds like he may have made up his mind about divorce since it keeps coming up.

I threw the word "divorce" around fairly freely during my last year with my ex. It was probably a mistake, and I thought it was at the time. But, I hadn't even remotely made up my mind to leave him. I didn't even want to leave him. I simply couldn't live the way things were, and didn't feel that he was paying any attention at all to how incredibly miserable I was. I was talking about divorce in an attempt to beat the severity of our issues into his head. It didn't work, and we did end up splitting up...but when I was bringing up divorce all the time, I hadn't even remotely made up my mind to leave. I was just desperately looking for something that would make him understand where I was at. I have no idea what the OP's marriage is like, but it's possible her dh just doesn't feel listened to.

[fuzzball]

Well, I made it through the rest of that day and into the next before it came up. I've never been good at that kind of restraint before, so I was proud of myself for not falling apart completely and then raging in to him, demanding to know what he was thinking. He just said, kind of in passing, "BTW, I did read your email. Thank you." and gave me a little smile and a kiss. We didn't talk any further about it, but we have both been "trying" a little more with each other every day since then. I know things won't change overnight, but I am hoping they will keep moving in the right direction.

SB, thanks for sharing that about your own divorce. I think that is exactly where DH is coming from. And the thing is, I agree. We WILL NOT be together by the time DS is grown if things continue this way. But that isn't what either of us really wants. But neither of us is hearing the other completely either....

Hopefully the counseling will help us communicate better.