5 yr old siblings fighting, help!

[seemfrog]

This has been a recent trend/phase and I have been hoping it goes away soon, but in the meanwhile (or in case it needs help) I would love some suggestions.

My boys just started kindergarten this year, they were in preschool 2x week last year, so they were used to the atmosphere/structure, however this is a new school.

They are suddenly constantly fighting, getting on each other's nerves, pushing their buttons, screaming, hitting, no patience, teasing, pushing, throwing, crying, name calling, etc

Just a few months ago they were working on using their words, telling each other when something bothered them, saying it a few times, a few different ways before getting more upset, and usually asking us to help intervene if needed. Now it may involve one try of words, but usually even that comes in the form of yelling it, then immediately goes to hitting/pushing (etc).

I have trouble keeping up with it, there is immediate strong reaction and I feel like I have to constantly be with them, ready to model what they should be doing/saying "tell him it hurt your feelings or that you are frustrated" (instead of calling him stupid). However, I can't sit with them at every moment! And, there has been no sign of improvement.

I'm also trying to get DH on board with reminding them how they should be reacting/talking and he just wants to address the violence (lecturing about how a thrown fork could have really hurt someone, blah blah blah). Although he is very willing to discuss ideas on gentle disc. he wants them to listen when asked and things like expressing empathy is very un-natural to him.

Any ideas on how to get them back to processing the situation instead of reacting violently?

thanks in advance!

[citymagnolia]

Here is an article I read just before reading your post. Maybe it was meant for you!

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...ng-camaraderie

I can tell you, too, that my daughter started kindergarten this year and became much less patient and more confrontational with her 3-year-old sister. These two are best friends and usually play really well, but adjusting to a new place and a new routine was stressful and she had to vent it someplace. She chose the safest place--on her poor little sister, who she knows will always be there. That didn't make it any easier, but it does offer some hope. My kindergartener is pretty well adjusted now and they are back to their loving friendship. Of course they're siblings so they fight, but the severity of the disputes is much less than it was.

I recently read a really good book called Nurture Shock. Each chapter highlights early childhood research from different areas, and each one was so enlightening! Really interesting. Even if you don't read the whole book, you should definitely read the chapter on siblings! I won't go into the research, but I'll just say that, when I was reading it, I got kind of tearful because it showed me that, even though my kids were fighting all the time, there were other signs that they had a strong relationship. That chapter will probably take 10-15 minutes to read. The whole book is a pretty easy read and full of great information.

Hope some of that helps. Fighting siblings is the single most tiring part of being a mother. For me, there's no greater challenge than keeping my cool around people who are being mean. The link I posted is a good way of helping them solve it without getting yourself too much in the middle of it. Hang in there. If they've had a good relationship in the past, I think this will pass.

[Acupuncturist]

I have five year old twin boys; mine are 15 days younger than yours (09/28/05). Like your boys, mine have gone in phases -- sometimes they can't get enough of each other and are the very best friends, other times the fighting/pushing/yelling is terrible.

Are your boys in the same classroom or are they separated at school? What was the situation last year? Around here most schools insist on separating twins, without any acknowledgement of the fact that each twin pair is different and has different needs. A couple of years ago my husband and I met T. Berry Brazelton and he said that his most important piece of advice to parents of twins is not to separate them at school until they ask to be separated. But I also understand it from the school's perspective -- my boys do tend to be goofy and at times disruptive if they are together at school. For this year at least we have found a good solution -- they go to a school where the classroom is divided into two groups -- one group goes outside while the other does art inside, one group goes to the computer lab while the other does music, etc., but the groups come back together for lunch, nap, and at a couple of other points in the day. So it seems to be a good balance of togetherness/separation, and I am hoping it will be a gradual preparation for school next year, where the school will likely insist on putting them in two classrooms.

So anyway...maybe something about the new school is stressing them out? Are your boys identical? I know my boys get really stressed out when they are in a situation where someone is not bothering to learn to tell them apart and continues to confuse them with each other (of course they are patient when someone is learning, but they pick up on it when someone is not even trying) and they especially hate it when people treat them like a unit. When this happens they tend to start resenting one another and that translates into more than the usual number of fights.

During times that our boys just aren't getting along, I find that sometimes having alone time with each of them helps. Even taking one of them to the grocery store while my husband stays home with the other and reads to him seems to set the reset button for them many times. I also talk to them a lot about how special it is to be a twin, even though sometimes it is really hard.

Parenting twins is such a challenge because twins are forced to learn to share and to empathize and to consider the needs of others from the time they are tiny, far earlier than singleton children (even those with siblings). In the process the road can be really bumpy. My husband is a professor of child development and it has been fascinating for him to watch our boys achieve social milestones months and years earlier than the average child, even though those achievements are often proceeded by what looks like chaos!

Anyway, . Feel free to PM me -- I always like to make new twin momma friends.

[crowcaw]

My twin girls are 1 week younger than your boys. Over the summer I was marveling at how well they were playing together and resolving disputes and looking out for one another. School started... constant bickering, no cooperation on anything except teaming up to push my buttons, re-intensified competition for my attention, and even reverted the occassional physically lashing out at each other. With the added feature of one copying the other to annoy her -- they hadn't thought of this before. And my speaking to them to give them words to help them resolve things and identify emotions, and express confidence that they can work it out, which seemed to have been working, can't even happen because they just bicker over my speaking. So we're at seperate-until-you-can-work-it-out, which isn't getting us very far. I talk to them individually but it's having no immediate effect. l I knew it was going to happen, tried to put things in place to so that it wouldn't be so bad (scheduled time alone with each, activities for home that engages them, lots of outside play with them,...) but it's awful.

They are in the same class and adamantly want to be. The teacher says they're great with each other, play together, and get along fine, play independently with other children as well, very empathetic.... So maybe they're using up their reserve of good graces in the 4 hours they're at school every day. I'm assuming it will pass. But in the meantime ARGHHH.

[seemfrog]

Cool, we should start our own Sept.'05 twins club!

Anyway, thanks for the responses!

Citymagnolia, I started implementing the method from the link immediately, did it like 15 times the first 2 days... it really seemed to work well, and it seemed like it helped them get in a better place with each other, the 3rd day they played awesomely the whole day. I also like the thought you put out there that the fact that they take it out on each other indicates they feel safe/close.

Today went back to me getting frustrated at the constant immediate negative reactions from both and them at each others' throats. I just hurt my lower back the day before yesterday too so I'm awfully cranky and impatient myself. DH, take over!

So, they are in separate kindergarten classes, I thought about it a lot and read some different discussions on pros and cons and decided I wanted to try it. Their kindy is only have day and on the days that we do all day care they are together before and after class. I think this is a pretty good way to try things this year, has a little of both that way.

My boys are very different, have really different interests (are Fraternal) and one is really into "scholarly" things while the other is much more physical and likes to figure things out hands on. I really didn't want the automatic comparison to go on in the classroom and W to get labeled as a "bad student"
Anyway, we'll have to re-evaluate that situation when they go to full day classes next year.

With school they have a new form of competition (which was already driving me crazy, each wanting to do everything first, etc), they are spelling and "reading" and will tell each other "NO, THAT'S NOT HOW YOU SPELL IT! YOU'RE WRONG, STUPID" and the other gets really upset... sigh.

My husband and I will soon be finally having a day off together (Sundays) for the first time in over 2 years... so perhaps we'll have opportunities to do special individual things.

Thanks again for the thoughts!