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My child's father reported me to DHS - Page 2

post #21 of 134
I had experience with ACS in my break-up - it was my ex's way of trying to get custody of our ds.

You do NOT have to allow them into your home without a warrant. BUT - after you deny them access you need to proceed with the assumption that THEY WILL GET ONE and be allowed to forcibly enter your home.

Those bedrooms need to be cleaned out NOW (stuff the boxes into closets, the basement, wherever), lock the basement door and tell them the kids aren't allowed down there. Do what you need to do to get them off your back! My case was also unfounded, and ultimately the report helped me get custody and screwed my ex - but my situation is the EXCEPTION not the rule.

good luck
post #22 of 134
Quote:
Originally Posted by thyra View Post
My case was also unfounded, and ultimately the report helped me get custody and screwed my ex - but my situation is the EXCEPTION not the rule.

good luck
This was my situation as well, but it's a miserable path to walk.
post #23 of 134
I'd like to go in to their homes and see if all of their laundry is folded and put away and every one of their dishes cleaned. Seriously? When do single parents have the time?
post #24 of 134
OP - if you don't feel you can "de-junk" the bedrooms fast enough, you might consider renting the cheapest storage area you can find for a month and just moving anything that looks junky there. Consider it like you are staging the house for sale. Make it beautiful for the inspection. Also make sure your kitchen is stocked with fresh healthy foods and all the things they will think of as "basics"....milk, bread, fruit, other sandwich supplies, etc. so they don't have any claims to make against you at all. If you get them to decide the complaint was "unfounded" on this visit, it will save you a ton of trouble down the road. If they find anything that they consider worthy of concern, it could become a major big deal. I would treat it like the emergency it is, and make sure it is squashed with this inspection.
post #25 of 134
You've been given a lot of good feedback, so I just wanted to send you a

I hope you have a good support system in place, and can get this taken care of, so he can not ever use the condition, or suspected condition of your house, against you again.

And you all, your kids, and YOU deserve a clean house.
post #26 of 134
I saw this from the main page and wanted to wish you luck. I really raelly wish I lived near you so I could help you.

I was thinking maybe you could put an ad on craigslist or something if you don't have any friends to help, and just move all the boxes in the bedrooms down to the basement. If you don't have furniture to put in the bedrooms, "stage" one of them as a palyroom, and one as an office or something. So they don't look empty. Even mattresses on the floor are seen as a bad thing.

I had a horrible experience with CPS and the whole thing was written off as unfounded, but the trauma it caused my ds was terrible.

I hope it turns out well for you.
post #27 of 134
Clean up and when the lady comes back, apologize profusely to her for your ex involving Social Services in his attempt to control you.

They will clearly see just what type of person he is if he continually calls them.
post #28 of 134
Quote:
Originally Posted by Avani View Post
I'd like to go in to their homes and see if all of their laundry is folded and put away and every one of their dishes cleaned. Seriously? When do single parents have the time?
I know, right?I think sometimes the people in those roles project their own fears on the people they are supposed to be helping. There are some awesome caseworkers out there, the one I had contact with was not one of them, sadly. She even went so far as to try to bully me into signing over custody of my daughter right then and there by saying that if I didn't, they would take her and not allow me to ever see her again.
(She was three, and very verbal, and they said this in front of her!)

It did all work out, and I actually did get an apology from her, but MY GOSH! The potential for bullying is HUGE.
post #29 of 134
To the OP, the other moms who have posted on this thread really seem to have good information and you should get it cleaned up right away.

As to how--since you are ill--do you have a church? My church is wonderful. When my now x had spinal surgery, the "care" team brought us meals for several weeks. Then when he left, friends from church came and helped me take some branches off a tree that had become a problem.

Please, get some help. Call anyone--I like the idea of offering pizza. Nothing in a box in the basement is worth losing a child over...
post #30 of 134
Quote:
Originally Posted by confustication View Post
It did all work out, and I actually did get an apology from her, but MY GOSH! The potential for bullying is HUGE.
EXACTLY. because just a pen and paper can make HUGE trouble for you. for a while.

it just isnt worth it. in my books. it takes a lot out of you to fight the system.

you cant take the chance that you will get an easy worker. understanding one. i was lucky i got a good one.

my friend didnt and had her life turned upside down with 4 children with one of them being special needs with g-tube and oxygen.
post #31 of 134
Quote:
Here's the deal. Baby's dad came to my house for visitations till he pissed me off one time too many by telling me that I needed to not let my 11 year old son play with his (half-) sister because he might hurt her. I told him not to worry. He told me if my son hurt his child, he would kill me and him both. I told him he crossed a line and was no longer welcome in my house as I did not feel comfortable with him in my home and around my other children.
Wow, he threatened you with violence? You were right on to kick him out. He was way off base to speak to you that way.

How old is the half-sister? Why does he believe your son will hurt her?

Wishing you the best of luck.
post #32 of 134
Another thing, you may want to check your state's laws regarding filing false child abuse reports. If your state is one of the ones that have that law, your ex can get into trouble for doing what he is doing. Probably not the first time, but after that, yes. Especially if you really push the issue. Don't let him use CPS to bully you.
post #33 of 134
I second the "Flylady"... great step-bystep- organization and self esteem boosters.. i have recommended her to many.

I do not belittle your depression/fibromyalgia, but think of how it seems to "outsiders". Are these conditions so far gone that you "can't take care of" your childrens' living environment? This is the question DHS will be looking into.. among other things. And YES, it is urgent when they get involved. Call on all help you can and get the WHOLE premises livable. Most people do find it unacceptable to have whole zones of their houses unusable b/c they are full of stuff. {cellar is the exception, but even then, make sure it is clean and orderly even if you don't hang out down there}. To a home inspector, it is a red flag.

Best of luck for your cleanout!
post #34 of 134
I suggest you clean up NOW. Like TODAY. Make things look liveable. If you want to "store" things in the basement, do it. Anything you don't NEED out that would just look like junk, throw it in the basement and LOCK the basement so they can see that the kids CANNOT get in there. How many bedrooms are in the house? If there are only two, you need your own bedroom (that when they walk in it will be obvious that it's yours) and they need their own bedroom (obvious that it's theirs as well, and if you have three rooms then give your son and daughter separate rooms).

You can't take the chance. You may get an inspector who really doesn't give a hoot as long as everyone's safe and it's sanitary, but you run the VERY REAL CHANCE of getting the one jerk who will NOT like what s/he sees. You really, really, REALLY don't want to take the slightest chance of CPS getting involved beyond the initial check. And if they check and SEEM to be satisfied, DO NOT put your guard down until you have it IN WRITING that the case has been CLOSED. I had someone very, very dear to me who had someone check the place out and they appeared to be fine with it and then apparently that worker quit and someone else took over, so it took two months before this new worker showed up and she assumed her case was closed. One day a new worker showed up who was not as easy going as the first and she had a year long battle with them. She had her faults in it, but what it came down to was the luck of the draw. It is NOT a chance you want to take! I don't care how malicious your ex is, and I agree that he's a complete UAV for doing it, but you CANNOT take any chances. Just because you're a good mother and the kids are happy doesn't mean the worker will agree. You have to get your act as pristine clean as possible.
post #35 of 134
[QUOTE=confustication;15929510*all laundry should be clean- and clearly in the process of folding/putting away- piles to be dealt with later are bad (This was one issue I got dinged on- clean laundry not sorted and put away yet.).[/QUOTE]

Are you serious?! If they came to my house 5 days out of 7, they'd find dirty laundry. I go to a laundromat.

Don't forget the little box, if you've got a cat. Even a kitty litter box that the cat poops in 5 minutes before they show up, can penalize you for having "feces in the house". I know someone who almost lost her daughter for that reason alone. Ridiculous.
post #36 of 134
this is all good information. i am waiting for my x to call cps on me; we are homeschoolers (i still haven't found a job yet) and so the house can get crazy messy fast- and it was his favorite thing to be abusive about.
post #37 of 134
Quote:
Originally Posted by kblackstone444 View Post
Are you serious?! If they came to my house 5 days out of 7, they'd find dirty laundry. I go to a laundromat.

Don't forget the little box, if you've got a cat. Even a kitty litter box that the cat poops in 5 minutes before they show up, can penalize you for having "feces in the house". I know someone who almost lost her daughter for that reason alone. Ridiculous.
Yep, The woman who came to my house was really nasty about laundry. It was terrifying.

Oh, and the litter box is a really great point- I got dinged on that as well- and I scoop 2X/day.
post #38 of 134
How much money do you have to work with?

If you don't have time to clean and sort at least buy yourself a bunch of rubbermaid totes and store them neatly in the basement (even if your basement is a hole in the ground you don't want a lot of stuff piled up there because it can become a habitat for rodents and bugs as well as mold and mildew. If it is finished then your problem is your living space is messy. lose/lose) This can be done very quickly and while you want to deal with the junk eventually this will hide it away and make it appear as though you are very tidy and organized (add a few labels to really sell it ). I keep a few empty totes around for when I have company coming and only a few minutes to prepare. toss everything in, close the lid and put neatly in the closet or basement. Once everything else is done then you can grab the totes one at a time and put stuff away.

What breed is your dog? People seem terrified of my dog sometimes but she is not a "dangerous" breed nor is she at all scary. She is a territorial barker though and has german shepherd teeth. But she weighs all of 40 pounds and is scared of her own shadow. Some people are just scared of dogs though. Honestly I wouldn't go into a yard with a dog I did not know even if it were a yappy lappy dog. You just never know. If she is a scary breed (pit bull, rottie, anything big and toothy) you may want to find a vacation spot for her until it is all over. regardless of breed make sure you have a kennel and your dog is willing to go in it, use good owner manners, make sure poop is picked up and hair is not all over the place. Make sure your dog is current on vaccines, frontline etc and her nails are trimmed and filed. Make her the safest dog that ever lived.

Not that I would pass that kind of inspection....good heavens.
post #39 of 134
OP I am wondering if you are reading this thread.

you have not replied even once.

i am concerned and hope things are going well for you.

i just wanted to let you know you and your family have been on my mind and i keep checking for updates.
post #40 of 134
Quote:
Originally Posted by meemee View Post
OP I am wondering if you are reading this thread.
Hopefully there are no replies because she has jumped into action and has the house ready for a visit!

I keep thinking about this thread. It is so absolutely sickening that DHS bases everything on APPEARANCES!!! I mean, you can be verbally and psychologically and even physically (if you are sneaky) abusive to your kids, but as long as the laundry is put away and there's a bed in every room, they leave you alone, like everything is fine. But have a home filled with love and caring and learning and all that good stuff, and they can snatch your kids away if you happen to be a slob. That is SO SICK!!! They are just reinforcing this whole sick twisted idea in our culture that all that matters are appearances. I really take this personally because I am a slob, big time. Yeah, sometimes the clutter gets to me, but we usually find it more important to read or creates something or walk in the woods or visit family. Housework can wait. I'm just super-lucky no one vindictive has called in a complaint or my kids would be gone in a second. We've got all the no-no's; no beds in kids rooms, cat box in the living room and kitchen, dirty dishes, compost bucket in the kitchen, clutter clutter everywhere, dirty laundry, baskets of clean laundry, fridge nearly empty (we generally buy some stuff each day to make dinner.) And the bathrooms are not particularly clean either. It is just so sick that people can be punished, and punished SO SEVERELY, just for not placing housework above family. The only way I knew to get my house presentable when the kids were toddlers was to sit them in front of the TV for a few hours!
Okay, enough ranting about the unfairness of it all. Obviously everyone here KNOWS that!!! I was just surprised to learn just HOW stringent those standards are and it makes me so mad.
But the bottom line, like so many have already said, is, unfair or not is not important. Right now that IS the system, that IS the reality and you gotta jump through their stupid hoops no matter what it takes. And then when you get them off your back you can see about prosecuting the ex!!!! (Maybe get some of those threats of physical violence on tape? In addition to him calling in false reports on you?)
I wish you all the best of luck and hope it goes well, OP!!!

Jen
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