I either need a few words of encouragement or a slap in the face to wake me up and fight. Today I had another consult with an OB and I really wasn't looking forward to it. My stomach was churning with anxiety over my whole situation. I'm not even sure what I want!
Where I live in Illinois, it's difficult to find an OB supportive of a VBAC, it's impossible to find an OB or midwife supportive of a VBA2C, and the only way to attempt a VBAMC is to know an underground HB midwife. Apparently HB midwives are not legal in IL? It's hard to get a straight answer and no one advertises their services.
It's been such an emotional rollercoaster with each birth. I've gone out of my way financially (spending thousands out-of-pocket), driving long distances, and searching out resources to have attempted homebirths with all three previous pregnancies. I was destroyed when my first HB turned into an induction in the hospital and then a C/S. I had never prepared for that scenario and I'm still not over it emotionally.
With the second birth I got much closer. The doctor and everyone were at the house with contractions 2 min. apart, but high BP and protein in urine sent us to the hospital (2 hours away.) This time I was more prepared and actually think this birth may have been the only really necessary C/S.
Not being able to find a provider for a VBA2C, I went with an underground midwife. All seemed fine and I was the most confident that this birth was going to go well. I didn't go into labor, and at 10 days past EDD, my midwife dropped me and I walked blindly (no provider) into a hospital for a C/S. (Easiest one by the way. It was kind of nice to be rested and freshly showered going in.)
All of this has been extraordinarily draining! It's frustrating to go against the grain all the time AND end up with C/S all the time too! After each C/S I feel a sense of relief, like "Well next time I know I will just schedule a C/S." But then each time I'm pregnant, I read more info and think it's safer to do a VBAC. There is just NO support! Why can't I let myself off the hook? Why MUST I do this to myself? Why can't I be like "everyone else" and just accept it? I've tried my darndest three times! The babies heads never engage (even after 25 hours of labor and pitocin.) Maybe I really do have too narrow of a pelvic opening to birth my 9 1/2 to 10 1/2 pound babies?!
At least I sought out OBs that wouldn't be so invasive even with a scheduled C/S and a mama over 35. I found the only two in IL (as far as I know) who are willing to let me go into labor (up to 42 weeks) before slicing me open. That's much better than scheduling at 39 weeks. Of course it involves driving an hour no matter which one I choose. It's certainly not just "the easy way out." The "easy way" would be choosing an OB at the hospital 6 minutes away from me and just doing what they ask.
Should I let myself off the hook here to be free to accept the C/S? Should I continue to fight my emotional battle and take the chance with another underground midwife--spending at least $4000 more out of pocket?
Thanks for reading and I do invite honest feedback. Especially if you've been through the emotional rollercoaster of a natural birth turned C/S. Thanks a lot!
Where I live in Illinois, it's difficult to find an OB supportive of a VBAC, it's impossible to find an OB or midwife supportive of a VBA2C, and the only way to attempt a VBAMC is to know an underground HB midwife. Apparently HB midwives are not legal in IL? It's hard to get a straight answer and no one advertises their services.
It's been such an emotional rollercoaster with each birth. I've gone out of my way financially (spending thousands out-of-pocket), driving long distances, and searching out resources to have attempted homebirths with all three previous pregnancies. I was destroyed when my first HB turned into an induction in the hospital and then a C/S. I had never prepared for that scenario and I'm still not over it emotionally.
With the second birth I got much closer. The doctor and everyone were at the house with contractions 2 min. apart, but high BP and protein in urine sent us to the hospital (2 hours away.) This time I was more prepared and actually think this birth may have been the only really necessary C/S.
Not being able to find a provider for a VBA2C, I went with an underground midwife. All seemed fine and I was the most confident that this birth was going to go well. I didn't go into labor, and at 10 days past EDD, my midwife dropped me and I walked blindly (no provider) into a hospital for a C/S. (Easiest one by the way. It was kind of nice to be rested and freshly showered going in.)
All of this has been extraordinarily draining! It's frustrating to go against the grain all the time AND end up with C/S all the time too! After each C/S I feel a sense of relief, like "Well next time I know I will just schedule a C/S." But then each time I'm pregnant, I read more info and think it's safer to do a VBAC. There is just NO support! Why can't I let myself off the hook? Why MUST I do this to myself? Why can't I be like "everyone else" and just accept it? I've tried my darndest three times! The babies heads never engage (even after 25 hours of labor and pitocin.) Maybe I really do have too narrow of a pelvic opening to birth my 9 1/2 to 10 1/2 pound babies?!
At least I sought out OBs that wouldn't be so invasive even with a scheduled C/S and a mama over 35. I found the only two in IL (as far as I know) who are willing to let me go into labor (up to 42 weeks) before slicing me open. That's much better than scheduling at 39 weeks. Of course it involves driving an hour no matter which one I choose. It's certainly not just "the easy way out." The "easy way" would be choosing an OB at the hospital 6 minutes away from me and just doing what they ask.
Should I let myself off the hook here to be free to accept the C/S? Should I continue to fight my emotional battle and take the chance with another underground midwife--spending at least $4000 more out of pocket?
Thanks for reading and I do invite honest feedback. Especially if you've been through the emotional rollercoaster of a natural birth turned C/S. Thanks a lot!
My biggest problem is I don't know if I have it in me--emotionally--to feel confident in the HB choice again. Obviously though, I haven't made peace with the C/S choice either. I appreciate the discussion to help me work it out!
