Lovey Obsessed Toddler

[fnwilliams]

My DD is a little over 2. She has had a "bunny" that she nursed and slept with since she was an infant. In general she was pretty good about letting me restrict her access to it at certain times (ie when daycare kids were here -I"m a family provider or in stores). I let her use it more frequently when I had a new infant and toddler in care to ease her transition on having less of my attention especially when feeding the baby.

My problem is now she throws fits everytime I remind her of her bunny routines ( not at the table, in the store) and sits there a screams for bunny. I compromise and let her hold it in stores and put it within sight during meals but it feels like this stuffed thing is holding us all hostage! She has never been allowed to take it outside in the backyard and now she has tantrums over taking it with us. I could deal with it getting dirty (my husband is another story in terms of this) but when I allow her to hold it during daycare hours she sucks her fingers and just disengages mostly from the other kids. Should I be worried about this? She becomes very testy if the other children try to approach her as she lays there sucking her fingers saying she is tired ( often after she just had sleep...) When I hold to the rules and keep her distracted her behavior is so much better and she is much more engaged. Any advice? We instituted the bunny for sleep only rule today and she mentioned it alot but no major tantrums. She had a huge meltdown about bunny this morning that left us both in tears. Whenever we transition to something like meals or outdoor time she yells for bunny and states she is tired and doesn't want to do XYor Z. I should mention she is very verbal for her age (talks in full paragraphs) and is very spirited. Thanks again!

[MamaPhD]

I don't restrict access to DD's lovey and I did buy 4 of the same lovey just in case. What I notice is when she is playing, eating, or otherwise occupied, she doesn't miss the lovey. She plays with it everywhere but if it falls down in the den, she can go play in the living room fine. But if she is getting sick or tired, she looks for it, will hold it and often lie down and bury her face in it, etc.

So I guess you're saying the lovey's presence makes your daughter tired/act out/withdrawn? What I think maybe going on is the other way around: when your daughter is tired, then she looks for the lovey. I know my DD sometimes is tired even when she just had a nap if she's sick or other transitions are going on in her life. Did you just start doing the day care and maybe your girl feels overwhelmed when other kids come over? Then she might find bunny comforting. So I'm not sure whether removing it is the best answer. I tend to take what DD tells me at face value. She talks well and I trust her. If she says she's tired, sleepy (or not sleepy!), or if she wants to do something or not, I take that seriously. Is there a reason you don't believe your girl when she says she is tired and doesn't want to do something?

Sorry I guess I'm not helping much. I'm just trying to understand the situation and kinda just rambling on, thinking out loud. ALso I'm not sure why it's important for you and your hubby to restrict bunny access. I know toddlers can get throught a big attachment thing especially to their family and loveys and such.

[fnwilliams]

I tried to observe her behavior regarding bunny carefully and she uses the excuse of being "tired" for a variety of different reasons. Tired often means she doesn't want to do what is coming up next (eat, go outside etc.) Since she gets plenty of sleep (10-11 hours a night and 2-2.5 hrs. nap) I have a hard time believing she is tired as much as she says she is. When we let her have more and more access the behaviors and tantrums have increased instead of the other way around. If bunny is out of sight, he is more out of mind. The closer he is the more likely she is to request it. When she brings it downstairs with her after waking she is more likely to zone out for very long periods of time and fights transitions to meal time, dressing, playing. If her behavior with bunny was around was better and she seemed more secure, I'd leave bunny out all day long. Its presence blocks her from interacting and engaging.

I started the family daycare home when she was 4 months old and since Jan. I registered two new younger children. As she needed it more I had it around more. When she was younger she was fine about leaving it in her room for the day for the most part and saving it for sleep times. DD is very bright and in my opinion is trying to look for things to control. For instance, when we let her watch the infrequent video, she balks when we pause it for mealtimes etc., she insists on another video right after (we do not give in on this), she requests video time and nags for days afterward. Bunny is similar right now--she had no issues with leaving him be for meals before but now no matter when the meal or snack (tired or not) she insists she is not hungry and wants to have or keep bunny. We would tell her fine, don't eat, she could eat later and would eat our meal and ignore her and most times she would soon say she was hungry. Sometimes she would balk a second time about putting bunny away from the table and throw a tantrum. Its presence seems to incite problems not soothe her. I feel like every child is different and my DD is brilliant in many ways, adoring, and also has the intellect to try to manipulate situations to gain control beyond what alot of kids her age do. Less restrictions did not make this situation better and it is frustrating to be told , "just let her have her lovey". I've tried that and the withdrawn, zoned out state she stays in for long periods of time is not good for her. I appreciate your observations--this may be more of a question of how to deal with her spirited nature than how to deal with loveys now that I reflect on all this. A more easy going child could have lovey around whenever but I don't think that strategy worked for us...

[fnwilliams]

Also--If she were not in a family daycare home I could let her requests shape our routine entirely. I have carried her kicking and screaming outside when we just spend 20-30 min. going potty and getting shoes on all the children to go out and at the last minute she flips out and declares she is tired and wants to be with bunny. She tantrums (sometimes a short bit and other times a longer time) but 99% then gets over it and enjoys the outdoors. I am not in the position to hold her desires over everyone elses. I have 2 active children that need outside time and I offer her alternatives for when we go outside because i know she is more introverted and "bookwormish" (Let's bring a book to read outside or you can sit in a lawn chair with me )She still insists on her own way. Could I bring bunny out? Yes--soiling then occurs because ultimately the boundary has been pushed. She knows I didn't stick to the no outside rule, so why won't I just cave on the "keep it in the stroller" rule? I could let it get dirty and then have to wash it and then have to deal with a 2 hour "bunnyless" ordeal as it washes and dries.

[sapphire_chan]

When the daycare kids go home, and you've tidied up a bit, does she get some time with you focusing just on her where she gets to make the calls about what you do together?

Does she have her own space (even a corner of your bedroom) where the day care kids can't go?

Could you get the bunny a sling (small length of cloth knotted at her shoulder) so she can carry the bunny around with less risk of dropping/losing it? You could explain, at a time when she isn't in the middle of whining for bunny, that since she's older now you think it's time for her to get to carry bunny more. But bunny has to stay in the carrier. Maybe a while of having the opportunity to have bunny with her at all times will help her work through whatever is making her extra anxious right now.

[fnwilliams]

@sapphire chan--since my husband recently switched to the night shift we've had to rearrange our schedule. He gets one on one time with her during the mid-morning which gives her a break from the daycare. That also means that when the kids go home, the time he usually would have had one one one with her is not possible because he is already at work. I have made it a point to focus on what she wanted to do, leaving dinner prep till later, making simpler dinners, and usually cooking when she is asleep. We took a toddler swim class together and got to visit daddy at work at the college where the classes were held. I figured it would be hard for her with just me in the evenings if I was focused on housekeeping so I put it off till she is asleep.

We recently let her out of the crib and onto a big girl mattress on the floor--she has enjoyed it so far, picking out sheets, reading books in bed togehter instead of downstairs before bed. I also put a strong gate in her doorway for her own safety and to keep her daycare buddy out of her room which had been an issue for me before--she didn't seem to care. We've adopted an extra cuddle ritual in bed before she sleeps now instead of just snuggling on the couch before bedtime and she seems to enjoy that. I feel frustrated because I feel like my husband and I are working really hard to be sensitive to her needs during this time of transition. My husband enjoys his new job more, I've adapted to the schedule for the most part even though I don't get alone time with my hubby for more than an hour a day when the kiddos are sleeping before he leaves. We both have part -time work on top of our full time jobs so we can provide a good education for her and we are trying to add in the extra attention she needs, like my hubby having special story time just with her, or taking her for a walk with him sans daycare kids. I did the swim class and special daddy visits. Maybe all this change is what is causing this clinginess even if she is benefitting from the change in alot of ways

The sling idea could be helpful--we're just feeling things out right now. Lol--now the newest toddler battle is getting dressed. She's always been picky about clothing color even at age 2 but now she doesn't want to get dressed, even after informing her about how much more jammy time she has and her agreeing and letting her choose her outfit and letting her help me get dressed. I placed her in her gated playroom this morning after her screaming and flailing and told her she had broke the agreement we made and when she was calmer she could come out. 3 min later she wanted out, cuddled for 2 min. and put on her clothes. Things like this make me feel like bunny clinginess is not so different from clothing power struggles or the other things she tantrums about. Toddlers...

[sapphire_chan]

even positive changes can make things off kilter sounds like she's already working on other things, hang in there