The toy battles, how to deal?

[Auraji]

My DD is 17months as of yesterday. My dss will be 5 years old. He usually comes every other weekend and then two weeknights for dinner. DD loves him and always gets very excited to see him, but sometimes gets a bit too "I want it! NOW!".

I don't really believe in force sharing, but I think is a good thing to reinforce. This is what I usually do:

-If he has two cars, I say "why don't you let her have one? When you get bored you guys can trade", this usually works.
-Let's take turns, would you like to play with one of these?
-Sorry DD but DSS doesn't feel like sharing right now, let's go do something else.

I'm ok with him not wanting to share. This morning he was playing with his train and DD really wanted it. I offered to go read her favorite book. She sat on my lap and forgot about it. Everyone seemed to be happy, the tantrum was contained. Dss asks "can I see what you're reading too?". I say "of course", he transfers from the other couch, sits next to us and I keep reading, he then starts putting his car in every page of the book, right in front of DD's face. I ask him to please not do that, that is not nice to tease, that if he doesn't feel like sharing his toy, he shouldn't be making her want it. He kept doing it and I had to go put the car away so we could finish the story happily.

The thing is this happens a LOT, the whole well she's distracted and no longer wants my toy, so I'll go play right in front of her and show her how awesome it is without letting her touch it. I'm trying to accommodate his not wanting to share, because hey sometimes I don't want to share, but I'm still trying to remind him why sometimes is fun to share like when we all sat reading the book. While I'm trying to teach DD that people won't always do whatever she wants and throwing a tantrum is not the answer, but sometimes I don't have enough patience. How would you deal with this scenario? Maybe there are better ways.

[CrunchyChristianMama]

I think it sounds like you're handling it well.

If it continues to be a problem, you could let him know that if he's going to do that then he either has to share it with your DD or he loses his privilege of playing with it.

Does she have a car/train of her own? It may help if she had her own versions of the tempting toys as well.

[Dot-to-Dot]

First, I think you're handling it well, too. Second, I think he's playing with his amount of power as far as having to give up what he wants ("share") versus how far he can push things and still be able to hang onto it.

SO MANY times, I see young children made to "share" one item, which can't be done. Like, if I'm playing with one truck and someone else wants it, if an adult comes along and suggests I share, basically it means I have to give away what I was playing with. That doesn't seem to be what you are doing, but many 5 year olds encounter this and they feel panicked at the mention of "share". So I wonder if he's feeling out the concept of what he HAS to do and still be a good boy.

"Taking turns" is often the same. Often, a kid has something they are playing happily with and they are made to give someone else a turn. I've always had a lot more success asking the child, "When you are all finished with that, will you let Lucy know, because she really wants to play with it when you are all done." The whole "when you are all done" part is very non-threatening and encourages them to share something on their own, when they are finished with it. I mean, honestly, there aren't a ton of toys that can be played with in a co-play fashion with such an age gap. But, with the age difference, then you're made to play keep away from the toddler and having to constantly distract her. And I know that is so frustrating, because you're constantly having to help the younger one deal with frustration and, like in the case where he had the cars on the pages, it isn't fair. But, I think you did just the right thing. He's old enough to be limited in just that way. You don't have to give up something that you are specifically having a good time with...but you also can't taunt someone with the neato toy.

Maybe you could just really play up what a helpful big boy he is when he brings his interesting toys to the baby when he's done and he might feel like being done a little sooner in order to get that praise? It's a toughie.

[Auraji]

The sharing has been going on for several months. I've tried everything and I just feel like he's old enough to understand the concept. He does things like put the toys he's not playing with and knows she wants out of her reach and say she can't have them. Rip toys out of her hand that he wasn't playing with. Sit/lay on top of dozens of toys as to not let her have one.

This morning DP's younger siblings were here, they had slept over and his brother was getting this little elmo toy car for DD to get on (it's her). She was about to get on and he pushed her out of the way and sat on it. He didn't get up when I asked him too and told him that he couldn't do that. He just sat there and said "I want to ride on it! Sophia doesn't want to let me". She went on to do something else and I just told him that it wasn't nice to push people and that he can't just takeover someone elses toy.

Whenever she walks into his room, he says "get out of here! Leave my toys alone" and I understand wanting to be alone and respecting other people's personal space, but this happens ALL the time. I feel like if I keep taking her away and going to do something else with her, they are both missing out on bonding. I know there will always be some sibling drama, but I feel like it's better to mediate than to keep them constantly separated.

I've also done a lot of the praising when he shares a toy, which rarely happens. He definitely likes the praising, but I guess not enough to make sharing something more than a rare event. I've also tried making a big deal of when DD gives him her toys or whenever I find him playing with them. I say things like "wow, how nice! Sophia is sharing her toys with you! Are you having fun? Isn't it fun to share".

I don't know. I guess this too will pass, hopefully soon.