Hi, I'm not sure if I have PPD or any sort of diagnosable depression, but I do know that something is wrong and I need help for it.
My problem mainly focuses around irritibility/anger when baby is crying. I am never upset when he is not having a "crying meltdown", I have never had an anger issue before in my life. No history of depression. He is four months old (16 weeks on the 8th of October). This has been going on since the day he was born.
I wonder if it revolves around a lot of trauma around his birth and first 3 months of life. When he was born, he had shoulder dystocia (they had to fracture his clavicle to get him out or he would have been dead/cerebral palsy). I had a perfectly healthy pregnancy and yet he almost died. I tried to recover instantly - walking the dog the next day, back at the gym the next week. I failed at this (I now know it was far too soon). Because of his fractures, I was unable to breastfeed him. I tried pumping (a horrible excruciating experience) at the insistence of my husband but failed at that too. I was exhausted. The baby had reflux and vomited everything, we were at 4 or 5 emergency rooms/doctors the first 2 weeks. Then he got colic, and he cried for no joke - 3 months. It was horrible. I wanted to leave.
Things that go through my head when he cries:
- I know why parents abandon their kids now
- I wish I could walk out the door and never come back
- He is a little monster (and even worse angry things)
- I hate him
- Thoughts of wanting to hurt him which are not rational and I would never do
- I have thrown a bottle once. And I always think of throwing objects or smashing a door.
Why is it ONLY when he cries???
Last night he screamed down the house for two hours, and I put him down in his pack-n-play. My husband says I did not put him down gently. So now, I need help. I thought this would go away but it has not yet. I don't know what to do. I feel like I am one of those horrible women who will get their child taken away. I don't know why I feel like this.
What do I do???
PS for that quiz in the sticky, I got 48, "41-69 =MODERATE-SEVERE Depression and Anxiety"
My problem mainly focuses around irritibility/anger when baby is crying. I am never upset when he is not having a "crying meltdown", I have never had an anger issue before in my life. No history of depression. He is four months old (16 weeks on the 8th of October). This has been going on since the day he was born.
I wonder if it revolves around a lot of trauma around his birth and first 3 months of life. When he was born, he had shoulder dystocia (they had to fracture his clavicle to get him out or he would have been dead/cerebral palsy). I had a perfectly healthy pregnancy and yet he almost died. I tried to recover instantly - walking the dog the next day, back at the gym the next week. I failed at this (I now know it was far too soon). Because of his fractures, I was unable to breastfeed him. I tried pumping (a horrible excruciating experience) at the insistence of my husband but failed at that too. I was exhausted. The baby had reflux and vomited everything, we were at 4 or 5 emergency rooms/doctors the first 2 weeks. Then he got colic, and he cried for no joke - 3 months. It was horrible. I wanted to leave.
Things that go through my head when he cries:
- I know why parents abandon their kids now
- I wish I could walk out the door and never come back
- He is a little monster (and even worse angry things)
- I hate him
- Thoughts of wanting to hurt him which are not rational and I would never do
- I have thrown a bottle once. And I always think of throwing objects or smashing a door.
Why is it ONLY when he cries???
Last night he screamed down the house for two hours, and I put him down in his pack-n-play. My husband says I did not put him down gently. So now, I need help. I thought this would go away but it has not yet. I don't know what to do. I feel like I am one of those horrible women who will get their child taken away. I don't know why I feel like this.
What do I do???
PS for that quiz in the sticky, I got 48, "41-69 =MODERATE-SEVERE Depression and Anxiety"
