My H just told me about his affair... - Page 2

[Mama2Jesse]

Originally Posted by karika

Honesty is the most important thing. IMO humans are not all monogamous, in fact very few are. It is natural to want to be with many different people on many different levels in a lifetime. If everyone would stop thinking of a partner as 'theirs; and having ownership and allow true freedom, and have freedom themselves, I think we would all be happier.

Your partner should have been honest. At least he is now. Condoms are very important, unless you have a closed circle situation. I am not sure I have useful advice for this particular situation, but did want to spread the word about being free to love whoever you want, however you want. Chances are the woman he was spending time with is someone you could be a very good friend with. Jealousy is lack of self esteem, IMO.

But I have been the most jealous person in my life also, forbidding my man to even look at another. I have also been the 'other woman' on many occasions. I have also had someone be dishonest with me, even though he had my blessing to date others... living in tribe is the natural state of primates and humans... the bonobo ape is the closest to how humans were before the agricultural and industrial revolution. A matriarchal society with uninhibited relations, and peaceful, not like the chimps....

If you believe that way, that is fine and I hope it works well for you. However, not all of us do. Monogamy is a viable choice.

This man broke. his. word. I love you crunchy mamas, I do, but this is not her fault, not in any way. Not because she wasn't a wife before mother, or because she didn't give him permission to go sleep around. Not for any reason is this her fault. It was his choice.

[belove]

I once was "the other woman" to a man who so desprately wanted his wife's love and affection. But she was too wrapped up in her own life (work,kids,chores ect) to listen to his pleas and so he strayed.

Relationships take a lot of work and when someone drops the ball these things tend to happen. I'm not saying it's right in any way,as I believe seperation should be the first step before starting a relationship with another person.

But it's destined to happen as we are humans who have needs. I don't find too much fault (w/ the exception of dishonety) with what husbands/wives do to have their needs met.

In my case, the couple decided to split. Not because of me,but because they could no longer put forth the effort to mantain each other needs.

So, really want I am trying to say,or actually ask is: Do you really want a relationship with this man? You gave him the indication that you didn't,so you may want to really evaluate what you want/need from him and what you are willing to put out (no pun inteneded) to make your marriage work.

[PGTlatte]

Originally Posted by Mama2Jesse

You're working two jobs, taking care of the kids, and he finds time to go sleep around because "Oh waah, she doesn't put ME (a grown adult man) above our children!"? No. Oh that does not fly with me. I wouldn't cater to such a manchild, what on earth would that teach my child about the role of women?

You know what a father does in that situation? What a husband does? He pulls his crap together, takes some of the burden off his partner, and certainly doesn't go have an affair. He doesn't jeopardize his children's chance of a stable home, his wife's heart (and physical health, for that matter... hello, STDs!), and his own sense of honor by sleeping around. No no no no.

Exactly...Mama2Jesse said exactly what I meant to say.......

[ImaSophie]

Originally Posted by belove

I once was "the other woman" to a man who so desprately wanted his wife's love and affection. But she was too wrapped up in her own life (work,kids,chores ect) to listen to his pleas and so he strayed.

Relationships take a lot of work and when someone drops the ball these things tend to happen. I'm not saying it's right in any way,as I believe seperation should be the first step before starting a relationship with another person.

But it's destined to happen as we are humans who have needs. I don't find too much fault (w/ the exception of dishonety) with what husbands/wives do to have their needs met.

In my case, the couple decided to split. Not because of me,but because they could no longer put forth the effort to mantain each other needs.

So, really want I am trying to say,or actually ask is: Do you really want a relationship with this man? You gave him the indication that you didn't,so you may want to really evaluate what you want/need from him and what you are willing to put out (no pun inteneded) to make your marriage work.

You know what that is BS, "she was too wrapped up in work, kids, chores" well maybe if he was pulling his share instead of having an affair she may have been more attentive to his needs.

OP my husband had an affair with more then one woman, one of which he had made plans to leave me for. We worked through it we are STILL working through it. It can be done but it takes both sides working hard and he has to own his hand in it rather then pointing the finger.

My spouse said his needs were not being met, but the bigger picture was he was not an active part of our family. I had no help with the house work, no help with the children, I was going to school full time (after having worked full time for 8 years and being laid off) I was exhausted. He had home cooked meals, he had a clean home, he had happy children being raised with love, the only need that was not being met was in the bedroom as often as he wanted. Which WOULD of happened more often had I not been dead on my feet.

I greatly agree with the 80/20 rule many people will go outside the marriage for that 20% not realizing that no one is ever going to meet your every need 100% all of the time. 80% is pretty damn good.

OP I hope you can work things out if that is what you want to do.

[texmati]

Originally Posted by Mama2Jesse

Coming in with a completely different perspective....

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Read that a few mroe times. NOT YOURS.

You're working two jobs, taking care of the kids, and he finds time to go sleep around because "Oh waah, she doesn't put ME (a grown adult man) above our children!"? No. Oh that does not fly with me. I wouldn't cater to such a manchild, what on earth would that teach my child about the role of women?

You know what a father does in that stuation? What a husband does? He pulls his crap together, takes some of the burden off his partner, and certainly doesn't go have an affair. He doesn't jeopardize his children's chance of a stable home, his wife's heart (and physical health, for that matter... hello, STDs!), and his own sense of honor by sleeping around. No no no no.

And christianity... no. My Jesus does not tell me to put my children behind a grown friggin' man. Sure spouses need time together. But it sounds to me like you did all the grunt work while he went and had fun. x about a bazillion for you, mama.

Cheating is a choice. It's never forced on you by circumstances.

Get tested. Get into counseling. Individual and marital. FOr both of you.

yes... thank god someone said it!

[MissLotus]

Originally Posted by belove

I once was "the other woman" to a man who so desprately wanted his wife's love and affection. But she was too wrapped up in her own life (work,kids,chores ect) to listen to his pleas and so he strayed.

Relationships take a lot of work and when someone drops the ball these things tend to happen. I'm not saying it's right in any way,as I believe seperation should be the first step before starting a relationship with another person.

But it's destined to happen as we are humans who have needs. I don't find too much fault (w/ the exception of dishonety) with what husbands/wives do to have their needs met.

In my case, the couple decided to split. Not because of me,but because they could no longer put forth the effort to mantain each other needs.

So, really want I am trying to say,or actually ask is: Do you really want a relationship with this man? You gave him the indication that you didn't,so you may want to really evaluate what you want/need from him and what you are willing to put out (no pun inteneded) to make your marriage work.

He dropped the ball, all right. He left his wife at home to tend to the children alone after she'd worked out of the home all day.

His children are also "humans who have needs". And his wife was the only one attending to them - because he was too busy philandering.

I wonder if the husband you had an affair with wanted his wife's love and attention desperately enough to help her with the work, chores and kids.

[NolaRiordan]

Originally Posted by belove

I once was "the other woman" to a man who so desprately wanted his wife's love and affection. But she was too wrapped up in her own life (work,kids,chores ect) to listen to his pleas and so he strayed.

You have GOT to be kidding me. This sounds to me like you are trying to justify a huge mistake you made.

Yep, sounds like they both dropped the ball on the relationship. And he's the one who betrayed his wife. But unfortunately for all of us wives who have been cheated on there are women like you around for them to betray their wives with.

We all make mistakes. But please take responsibility for this one, and stop blaming the wife for being inadequate or pushing him into your arms.

[belove]

Originally Posted by ImaSophie

You know what that is BS, "she was too wrapped up in work, kids, chores" well maybe if he was pulling his share instead of having an affair she may have been more attentive to his needs.

.

BS? Really? Actually, the wife was having an affiar of her own. One that started before we did. I knew of this affair, he didn't want to believe it.

I have also talked to the wife about what happened and she admitted to dropping the ball. This happens a lot. Though I saw the updated thread of OP and realize that she hasn't dropped the ball and that her hubby is an a$$.

I didn't share all this as I didn't feel the need when I first posted. But obviously a few of you need to see this.

I'm sure you're bitter as you have every right. But please remember that men don't just stray if they are happy with the person they married..we all know it's much more complicated.

OP-this is not directed at you. This is for my flamers. Run like heck.

[Oh the Irony]

Originally Posted by belove

But please remember that men don't just stray if they are happy with the person they married..we all know it's much more complicated.

Actually they do. Men (and women) have different reasons for cheating. Some do it for the excitement, variety and ego boost. They can be pretty happy at home. Cheating is about something inside of the cheater.

But yes, much of the time it is because the relationship was neglected but that is normally from both parties. When I hear "she is too wrapped up in the kids, work, etc" I think two things:

1) The cheater has to justify reasons for the affair and will say something convenient. They aren't known for telling the truth--they lie to the OW too.

2) That the party cheated on probably had some similar complaints about their needs not being met either. If cheating spouses put 1/2 the energy into their marriage as they do their affairs the world would be a much better place.

OP, I hope your spouse can start showing true remorse. That's the only way you can possibly repair things. Doesn't sound like he is there yet.

[SummerLove]

Originally Posted by MissLotus

I just don't see how she can do any more if he does not change. It's not about keeping a list, it's just a fact there are only so many hours in a day, and if they both work full-time but she ALSO has all the parenting when they're home, that's TWO jobs to his one. At some point she does have to sleep and hey, maybe even have time for herself. It is simply not fair that he expects her to have two jobs, while he has one - and yet in his mind it's all about him, him, him.

While the OP was working and caring for the kids, HE had plenty of time to go have an affair. I'm just sayin'. He could have been helping her out so that they WOULD have more time together, but he chose to use his time doing... other things. I don't see how the OP can possibly do any more than she's already done, when she's exhausted because he won't step up to the plate. On top of that she's supposed to lavish him with attention? Where's the attention and appreciation for all she does?

this.

Maybe he doesn't realize how much you actually do, but I don't think he has any idea how hard you are working...

[DCMama01]

Originally Posted by belove

BS? Really? Actually, the wife was having an affiar of her own. One that started before we did. I knew of this affair, he didn't want to believe it.

I have also talked to the wife about what happened and she admitted to dropping the ball. This happens a lot. Though I saw the updated thread of OP and realize that she hasn't dropped the ball and that her hubby is an a$$.

I didn't share all this as I didn't feel the need when I first posted. But obviously a few of you need to see this.

I'm sure you're bitter as you have every right. But please remember that men don't just stray if they are happy with the person they married..we all know it's much more complicated.

OP-this is not directed at you. This is for my flamers. Run like heck.

I really hope you think more of yourself now. Still sounds like you're easy to take advantage of, quite frankly based on your justification.

[Smidge]

Originally Posted by Kelilah

Well, it sounds like it was waiting to happen. Both of you dropped the ball when you stopped supporting each other, when you stopped putting each other first. A marriage just can't survive that way.

It's up to you whether you try to fix this or cut your losses. I don't know you so I don't know whether you will be able to heal from this and love him again... so do some soul-searching and figure that out for yourself, and honestly evaluate whether he's willing to recommit to you. Then decide whether you want to recommit to him.

I agree

[belove]

Originally Posted by DCMama01

I really hope you think more of yourself now. Still sounds like you're easy to take advantage of, quite frankly based on your justification.

Yes, things have changed. First, this affair was my rock bottom before getting clean and sober.

Though I've talked to the wife after sobriey(she became my boss; talk about karma...) and have gotten more insight to why he strayed from her point of view.

This was 10 yrs ago. Much has changed,but I was just sharing my expirence on this post. That's what these message boards are for.