Responding to Comments

[PennyP]

What is the best way to respond to comments on your children? The most common comment I get is "Your son is so smart" (in my son's hearing). What is the best way to answer that without sounding full of myself, while accepting the compliment, but also helping my son realize that smartness isn't everything?

Also, what do you say to people who find out yourself is gifted, and then try to "disprove" his giftedness?

[Naomi]

1. "Thank you." You can work on the "smartness isn't everything" piece in a more private setting; when it's a comment from some random person, teach your child to accept compliments graciously.

2. I don't generally announce to people that my kid is gifted. If it's relevant to the conversation and it comes up, it's generally in a very specific way, and if they challenged me on something I guess I would react the same way as I would if they said, "no WAY does your ten-year-old wear size 7.5 shoes!"

3. Just in general, I try to be matter-of-fact about it while not encouraging a lengthy conversation about just how smart she is unless there's a reason to get into it.

[no5no5]

I agree with Naomi that a simple "thank you" is enough. You can discuss it later with your son if you want to impart a different message. I've said things like, "Why do you think she said that?" Or, "Do you think you can tell how smart someone is by spending 5 minutes with them?" I don't think 3 is really an age at which you can expect even a very gifted child to fully understand the nature of intelligence.

As for people trying to disprove my DD's giftedness, that has not happened. I sort of can't imagine that happening. And I don't go around talking about being gifted, but I'm not exactly in the closet either. Can you describe an event of this nature so that I can get a better idea of what you are experiencing?

[PennyP]

Originally Posted by no5no5

I agree with Naomi that a simple "thank you" is enough. You can discuss it later with your son if you want to impart a different message. I've said things like, "Why do you think she said that?" Or, "Do you think you can tell how smart someone is by spending 5 minutes with them?" I don't think 3 is really an age at which you can expect even a very gifted child to fully understand the nature of intelligence.

As for people trying to disprove my DD's giftedness, that has not happened. I sort of can't imagine that happening. And I don't go around talking about being gifted, but I'm not exactly in the closet either. Can you describe an event of this nature so that I can get a better idea of what you are experiencing?

I guess it happens mostly because I don't know how to shut up. Or actually it has happened on other boards when I was asking moms for advice on how to deal with certain situations, and they're all "Well, your son can't be gifted unless he x y z", or "my son also does a b c and he's not gifted, so yours isn't either"...

[moominmamma]

Originally Posted by PennyP

Or actually it has happened on other boards when I was asking moms for advice on how to deal with certain situations, and they're all "Well, your son can't be gifted unless he x y z", or "my son also does a b c and he's not gifted, so yours isn't either"...

I'm reading between the lines here, but if you are overtly proclaiming to parents on general message boards that your two- or three-year-old is gifted, then I think you are inviting defensiveness, incredulity and awkwardness. At the very most, in very carefully-considered like-minded company you might say "we suspect that he may be gifted" or "he shows a lot of signs of giftedness." Most of the time it is more than sufficient to give descriptive information rather than a diagnosis: "He's reading quite well despite not being formally taught, and has a memory like a steel trap."

I know what it's like to be as sure as sure based on parental intuition that your 3-year-old is gifted. But you still can't make the diagnosis, not without testing, not at that age, not as a parent.

So how do you deal with people who want to disprove your child's giftedness? Best not to claim it in the first place!

Miranda

[pregnant@40]

When someone says something positive about my child w/in his hearing, I agree w/ the comment & throw in my own compliments:

"Oh, he is. And he's really funny and nice, too!" And smile.

[straighthaircurly]

1) I always say thank you. In private we always compliment DS on doing "best work" rather than on being smart. Also compliment him on being kind, thoughtful, helpful, etc. We praise him for being good at helping explain things clearly to other kids in his class (his teacher uses him a lot to help "tutor". And he is just as likely to brag that "he is a great tree climber as he is to say he is a really good reader. We try to be specific about his talents and his efforts rather than using generic terms like"smart".

2) The only people with whom the word "gifted" arises is between me and my husband, on this forum, and when I need to get differentiation in the classroom (and even then I rarely use it). I never use the term talking to family or friends. I might say, Wow, J is really enjoying reading this year, he walks around with his nose in a book." With a few close friends (without children) I will mention things like he taught himself double digit addition yesterday or that we are trying to work with the school to get more challenging work in place.

[ErinYay]

DD is only 10 months, but when we get comments like this, I always say, "Yep. And she's a VERY hard worker!" because I think there's tremendous value in effort over innate gifts. (At this point, she's advanced because it does come naturally, of course, but I don't want to create a mini-me who thinks everything comes easily and that working hard for something means she's not "smart" enough.)

Nurtureshock (NY Time Magazine article on this topic) covers this aspect very well- kids who are praised for just being smart simply don't develop a good work ethic compared to kids who are praised for their efforts. Even if it's only coming from others, I think constantly hearing, "Oh, he/she is SO smart!" without also hearing "Yes, she's worked very hard to learn xyz" is damaging.

[VisionaryMom]

We don't randomly talk about labels for our children, so we don't get the attempts to disprove. I even get turned off by that. I posted here a few months ago because this woman randomly told me about how her daughter was so brilliant that they decided right then & there at the kindergarten registration day to skip her to 1st grade. It was a bizarre (and as it turns out, untrue) assertion that made me feel defensive, and I have no reason to.

If someone did try to challenge one of the kids, I would step in, but I don't know exactly what I'd say. It probably would depend on their demeanor.

[no5no5]

Originally Posted by PennyP

I guess it happens mostly because I don't know how to shut up. Or actually it has happened on other boards when I was asking moms for advice on how to deal with certain situations, and they're all "Well, your son can't be gifted unless he x y z", or "my son also does a b c and he's not gifted, so yours isn't either"...

Ah, okay. Well, in that case, these are not comments being made in front of your DS. I'd ignore them.