3 minutes and 36 seconds.

[StephandOwen]

That's how long ex talked to ds on the phone just now And about 30 seconds of that was ex talking to me (I had to answer the phone because it didn't say ex's number- it said "private number" so I'm not giving my phone to a 7 year old to answer a private number hoping it is ex). Ex said he was at his parents house and forgot his cell phone so called from his parents house.

The conversation went pretty much like this- ds said hello, ex said hello. Ex asked ds if he had fun in Tennessee (when he called on Thursday we were in the car on our way to Tennessee). DS said yes, that his favorite thing was playing putt putt golf. Ex asked what ds was doing, ds told him watching a movie. DS asked if they could "get off the phone early" (meaning not talk for an hour) and ex replied "You want to get off the phone now? That's fine. I'll talk to you on Thursday". DS started talking to ex about something else (ds didn't mean he wanted to get off the phone RIGHT THAT SECOND, but rather he didn't want to talk for a really long time). Ex totally ignored him and said "I'll call you on Thursday. Good bye" and hung up DS handed the phone to me, said "I guess Matt didn't want to talk to me today" and walked away

Last Sunday (ds's birthday) ex did pretty much the same thing. He talked for 5 minutes and 31 seconds that day and then got off (he was at his parents house that day, playing poker).

Glad to hear poker is so much more important than, oh, I don't know.... YOUR CHILD!

Can anyone else hear the glorious sound of ex digging his whole deeper and deeper? I don't even have to do anything these days, just sit back and watch.

ETA- from what I gather, ex talks to ds for a decent time (around 30 minutes) whenever Chickadee is around. If Chickadee isn't around (such as when he's at his parents playing poker) then ex gets off the phone as quickly as possible.

[smeep]

So, forgive me, but I can't remember details and I've got full blown pregnancy brain right now, but...

Where are things with custody? Are you wanting him to have contact, or give up his rights, or what? Because, to ME, it sounds like your DS is being harmed far more by this guy's in-and-out behaviour than if he was just out altogether. He doesn't call him dad, he calls your partner dad, and it's just all around not cool...and that's not even considering the fact that he's autistic (right? pretty sure I remember that right, but pg brain can be evil like that! ). I wouldn't want a child who WASN'T special needs to be exposed to that kind of confusion and lack of love, let alone a child who IS special needs.

Forgive me if that's not at all in your thought process...I'm kind of assuming it is, but I don't mean to offend you.

[shelbean91]

What a douch-bag-y thing to do! I hear the hole getting dug deeper and deeper. Hopefully, it will be soon enough that you can get him to sign off on rights and have your DP adopt (that's what would be ideal, if I remember correctly). I'm sure you're documenting everything, so it will be a piece of cake to keep the custody arrangement as it (or at least not have him get more time - which is what he was trying for, right?).

I might go so far at this point to get medical documentation that for a child with autism, this sort of contact is far worse, and possibly more damaging, than NO contact at all. Seriously - I have many names for your ex, but they'd all be UAV, so I'll restrain.

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by smeep

Where are things with custody? Are you wanting him to have contact, or give up his rights, or what? Because, to ME, it sounds like your DS is being harmed far more by this guy's in-and-out behaviour than if he was just out altogether. He doesn't call him dad, he calls your partner dad, and it's just all around not cool...and that's not even considering the fact that he's autistic (right? pretty sure I remember that right, but pg brain can be evil like that! ). I wouldn't want a child who WASN'T special needs to be exposed to that kind of confusion and lack of love, let alone a child who IS special needs.

That pretty much sums it up. Ex sued me over the summer demanding more time with ds (alone time- he hasn't had ds alone in 5 years). We agreed outside of court (with my lawyers advice) to work together. That was in June. I told my lawyer that the only way ex would get ds alone in October (Halloween weekend) would be if he called ds twice a week AND he came to see ds in our home state over the summer (because he skipped 2 visits in June when I had ds in Michigan so ds hasn't seen ds since March). My lawyer has called ex's lawyer a few times this summer but cannot get anywhere. Ex's lawyer is basically saying he can't get any answers out of ex. Here we are, the second week of October, and ex hasn't come to see ds here. So ex will not be getting ds alone at the end of the month (though he's telling ds he will). Ex even had a week off work last month and told ds such, but refused to visit ds for any of that.

So basically all I can do is sit back and let ex dig his hole and then, when we end up in court again (probably by the end of the year) I can say that I did everything I could to foster ds's relationship with ex but he keeps on blowing it. And then I hope the Judge agrees with me and doesn't order ex any alone time with ds.

So the real plan is to drag this out a little longer (so dp and I are married next time we enter the courtroom so that ex can't try to use that against me). When we get married I will petition the Friend of the Court to re-eval child support because ds will have to be put on dp's insurance (because he'll lose his medicaid). Since ex is responsible for 76% of uncovered on top of helping pay for the health insurance, his child support will increase a large amount. Then the plan is to keep taking ex back to court for every little thing until he can no longer afford it (dp and I are doing much better, financially, than ex and Chickadee) and then we'll ask him if he wants to sign over his rights (which will mean he won't have to pay child support anymore) and dp will adopt ds.

[GranoLLLy-girl]

Good plan.
Now...come over to my house and help me figure out how I can do something similar. X is just an arse and I just have no clue how to navigate this. I do have a lawyer...but they are all just as bad in some ways.
I just wish I had a good plan...one that doesn't include a weapon. KIDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by GranoLLLy-girl

Good plan.
Now...come over to my house and help me figure out how I can do something similar. X is just an arse and I just have no clue how to navigate this. I do have a lawyer...but they are all just as bad in some ways.
I just wish I had a good plan...one that doesn't include a weapon. KIDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hehe.... I can't say that last thought hasn't ever entered my mind

But the key is to realize that sometimes it is far easier to let them dig their own hole while you stand back and simply record what is happening. I could fight him tooth and nail on everything, but that would take way too much energy. He doesn't deserve that much of my time or energy He will get what he deserves. It's only a matter of time

[LoveOhm]

I was hoping that I would be proven wrong about your ex re-entering O's life on a weekly basis. Sadly that is not the case and while I do know he is digging his own hole O is also along this ride with a man who seems to care little about parenting O. I do hope is all works out for you. I think larger than your Ex not visiting or taking these phone calls as opportunities to build a trusting relationship is the ongoing lack of interest, the health hazzard with regard to the smoking in court.

(((HUGS))) Steph!

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by LoveOhm

O is also along this ride with a man who seems to care little about parenting O.

I know. It sucks. If I could wave a magic wand and make it all better for ds I would in an instant (as we all would for our children!). But this is the hand he's been dealt so all I can do is help him work through it.

I will say that he, thankfully, doesn't seem to understand it at all. He still insists dp is his dad and ex is not. DS now knows the routine is ex calls the same 2 days a week at the same time, but I think if he stopped calling ds wouldn't really care too much.

Ex was trying to tell ds the other day that he has a "half brother". But that just confused ds even more because what the heck is a "half brother" in a 7 year olds mind? Is the top half his brother? The bottom half? The left half? The right? He didn't explain WHAT a half brother is, just went on and on about how ds has a half brother and another half sibling on the way. DP and I are going to start TTC in a few months and, should we be lucky enough to have another child, I don't intend to do any of the "half" stuff. They are each a whole child. They are siblings. End of story.

When we were in Tennessee we met ex's grandparents (ds's great grandparents- the only people from that side of the family that are really nice and have always been positive influences in Owen's life). We were walking around and ds picked up something, walked over to dp and said (in front of the great grandparents) "hey dad- look what I found!". He doesn't often call dp "dad" (he usually calls him by his first name and we always refer to him by his first name- we do not tell ds that dp is his dad) so it was funny that he chose THEN to do it.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by StephandOwen

I know. It sucks. If I could wave a magic wand and make it all better for ds I would in an instant (as we all would for our children!). But this is the hand he's been dealt so all I can do is help him work through it.

I will say that he, thankfully, doesn't seem to understand it at all. He still insists dp is his dad and ex is not. DS now knows the routine is ex calls the same 2 days a week at the same time, but I think if he stopped calling ds wouldn't really care too much.

Ex was trying to tell ds the other day that he has a "half brother". But that just confused ds even more because what the heck is a "half brother" in a 7 year olds mind? Is the top half his brother? The bottom half? The left half? The right? He didn't explain WHAT a half brother is, just went on and on about how ds has a half brother and another half sibling on the way. DP and I are going to start TTC in a few months and, should we be lucky enough to have another child, I don't intend to do any of the "half" stuff. They are each a whole child. They are siblings. End of story.

When we were in Tennessee we met ex's grandparents (ds's great grandparents- the only people from that side of the family that are really nice and have always been positive influences in Owen's life). We were walking around and ds picked up something, walked over to dp and said (in front of the great grandparents) "hey dad- look what I found!". He doesn't often call dp "dad" (he usually calls him by his first name and we always refer to him by his first name- we do not tell ds that dp is his dad) so it was funny that he chose THEN to do it.

You're such a good mom! O is so lucky to have you - most parents don't get the whole helping children work through the hand they've been dealt. It sucks for the children, but we as parents can do our best and teach them that its not a reflection back on them.

I think its funny that Owen insists that your dp is his dad - he clearly knows who has been there for him and who hasn't, which makes me think he understands more than he's given credit for! Not that you don't give him enough credit, and he very well may not understand that your ex is the one who helped conceive him (which is totally ok, he doesn't need to understand that yet!) - but he sure knows who's around all the time!! And its not your ex!

good luck with everything, as usual. I too wish there was a way to wave a magic wand and fix all the injustice in the world. It sucks.

[Minxie]

Originally Posted by StephandOwen

Ex was trying to tell ds the other day that he has a "half brother". But that just confused ds even more because what the heck is a "half brother" in a 7 year olds mind? Is the top half his brother? The bottom half? The left half? The right? He didn't explain WHAT a half brother is, just went on and on about how ds has a half brother and another half sibling on the way. DP and I are going to start TTC in a few months and, should we be lucky enough to have another child, I don't intend to do any of the "half" stuff. They are each a whole child. They are siblings. End of story ...

That is how I dealt with it also. My son has two half-brothers from his father's first marriage and we call them "The Brothers". He wants them to live with us so I had to explain that they live with their mom and he lives with his mom. Dad lives all by himself.

[smeep]

Steph, what a genius plan! I have to hand it to you, there. I can't imagine that it won't work. Wonderful!

[LoveOhm]

Originally Posted by thyra

You're such a good mom! O is so lucky to have you - most parents don't get the whole helping children work through the hand they've been dealt. It sucks for the children, but we as parents can do our best and teach them that its not a reflection back on them.

you are doing a wonderful job Steph!!! I have taken many notes from you including what I recently asked for and was awarded in regards to custody. (Join my party and read the update here:http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1269864)

I just wish your ex would be aware (or care) that his actions do affect O. While O does have special needs and a very in tune mama who shield and explain things your EX is still a grown man who and a father so he should hold himself accountable to O. Not just to some judge or his new wife.... but there is nothing that can be done about that.

Owes does have a daddy in Jason and an amazing mama in you Steph and that sets the foundation for his character.

[Momily]

Steph,

I have to be honest, and say that while I agree that your ex can be and has been an awful parent, I'm not sure I understand what he did wrong here.

He forgot his phone, and instead of using that as an excuse found another way to call. When called, he remembered something Owen had done and asked about it. Owen then indicated that he preferred to watch his movie to talking on the phone, and your ex ended the call. If I called someone and they told me they were watching a movie and didn't want to talk, I'd end the call too.

You've complained repeatedly that it's confusing to Owen that he calls himself Owen's dad, but now you think it's confusing that he doesn't call Owen's half-sibling brother? Surely you can explain to Owen when he gets off the phone that a half sibling is someone who has half the same parents as you and half different.

I get that you're angry at this man, but given how obsessive you seem about nitpicking at him, I have to worry that you're communicating that to Owen. Whether you like it or not, this man is part of Owen, and as he grows you don't want him to pick up this negativity you have.

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by Momily

He forgot his phone, and instead of using that as an excuse found another way to call. When called, he remembered something Owen had done and asked about it. Owen then indicated that he preferred to watch his movie to talking on the phone, and your ex ended the call. If I called someone and they told me they were watching a movie and didn't want to talk, I'd end the call too.

That's not what happened. DS told ex he wanted a shorter phone call. He did NOT tell ex he wanted to hang up right that minute and, in fact, started talking to ex about something else. Ex completely ignored ds trying to talk to him about something else and just hung up the phone. He shortened this phone call (and the one last Sunday) because he and his family recently started a "poker night", which just happens to be on Sunday (I know this from his sisters facebook postings). Talking to ds takes time away from poker, which would just be awful Instead of talking to me about how poker night falls on his phone call night and seeing if we could switch days for phone calls, he's just short-changing ds.

And yeah, it pisses me off to have ds excited for the phone call only to be hung up on after 3 minutes. For 7 years we've followed this same pattern of ex promising something, delivering it for short periods and then getting bored and dropping out. You better believe it irks me, especially now that Owen is older.

You've complained repeatedly that it's confusing to Owen that he calls himself Owen's dad, but now you think it's confusing that he doesn't call Owen's half-sibling brother? Surely you can explain to Owen when he gets off the phone that a half sibling is someone who has half the same parents as you and half different.

I'm not sure what you're getting at here. Is it confusing when ex calls himself "dad" to ds? Yes. Is it confusing when ex throws around terms such as "half brother" and doesn't explain it to ds? Yes. I don't get what the question is.

If ex were to be a part of ds's life CONSISTENTLY and explained to ds WHY he is his "dad", then fine. But to show up after years of not being here and throw around the "dad" term? Nope, he doesn't deserve it. He especially doesn't deserve it if he can't even take the time to talk to ds about what it means. All ds knows is "I have 1 dad who is here with me every day and I love him and he loves me. I also have another person whose name is Matt who says he's also "dad" but I don't know why his name is "dad" too". According to ds, a boy can only have 1 dad. I've addressed this, dp has addressed this. Ex has refused to address it, even when ds said straight to his face that he can't be "dad" because ds already has a dad.

As for the "half brother" thing.... ds knows about this boy. *I* show him pictures of the boy (that Chickadee posts on a website that she gave me the link to). Ex does nothing to facilitate the relationship between them. But I think it's extremely cruel to try and get ds attached to this little boy knowing what happened the last time. After the little boy was born ds went out and picked out some things he wanted the baby to have- he really put a lot of thought into it, what would keep the baby warm, what the baby might like to play with, etc. When we went up there for Christmas last year ds was so super excited to give the gift to the baby. Only ex never called, never saw ds at all. We ended up giving the gift to ds's great grandparents (who happened to be there at the time) to give to ex. DS never received a thank you note/card/phone call/etc. Nothing to acknowledge what he did for the baby. No pictures of the baby "opening" the gift, no pictures of the baby using any of the gifts. Nothing. DS was crushed. For months I didn't even mention the baby because I knew how hurt ds was by that.

So yes- I have huge issues calling this child ds's "half brother", not explaining what the term means AND trying to get ds attached to this boy yet again (ex talks about the boy all the time to ds- most of the phone calls are ended by ex telling ds he has to get off the phone so he can feed the baby/change the baby/put the baby to bed/whatever... as if that won't build any resentment ).

I get that you're angry at this man, but given how obsessive you seem about nitpicking at him, I have to worry that you're communicating that to Owen. Whether you like it or not, this man is part of Owen, and as he grows you don't want him to pick up this negativity you have.

I'm not angry at ex. I'm angry at his actions. There is a big difference. I do think it's unfair of you to assume that I am communicating anger/negativity to ds. You have no idea what I communicate to him.

[meemee]

well he is acting true to form!!!

he tried really hard to be who he was not... and finally he is showing his true colours.

curious how the next trip is going to work out.

[StephandOwen]

I was wrong. Ex beat even his last record. Today's phone call lasted 3 minutes and 2 seconds. Wow. And, again, it was ex who suggested to ds that he hang up.

[PoppyMama]

Why do they pull this crap. Why is it that they think it's ok and worth it for them to "see" if they can form a relationship when they aren't capable of making the commitment. You know...that no matter what happens, moving hell and earth, I would die for my children, and nothing will stand in my way kind of commitment. You can't dabble in parenting, it's cruel.

[elsie123]

ugh. It sucks when they do that, doesn't it??

My ds's father has never talked to him on the phone for more than 5 minutes. And the conversation is always the same:

"Hi. How are ya? How is your (insert sport) season going? I used to play (that sport) too. Guess how much papa weighs now? Too much! haha. How is school? Good- try hard, and have fun. gotta go!"

sigh. Is it bad that I am actually glad he hasn't called since January?

It sounds like you are being a great mama.

[LoveOhm]

I am sorry to hear that Steph. Please tell me these calls are taking place on a cell phone so you can highlight the phone records of times for the court (and/or) ex's new wife so all can face the reality of his interested in parenting.... SMH but giving you BIG hugs.

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by elsie123

sigh. Is it bad that I am actually glad he hasn't called since January?

Not in my opinion. I'd rather have him gone completely than here and there and everywhere but never around for more than a little bit before he disappears. I think that confuses ds more than just plain having him gone.

Originally Posted by LoveOhm

Please tell me these calls are taking place on a cell phone so you can highlight the phone records of times for the court (and/or) ex's new wife so all can face the reality of his interested in parenting

Of course

And it is now over 2 weeks after ds's birthday (and 3 1/2 weeks after ex started talking to ds about how he was going to at least send him a card for his birthday, which slowly transformed into an actual gift (that's invisible, apparently)). 2 weeks after ds's birthday and he still hasn't received anything in the mail (though he's not too heartbroken because ex told him what the gift was already and it wasn't even something ds wanted so he's not asking where it is or anything). We don't live *that* far away- it shouldn't take a month to send a small package. And I believe he probably hasn't even sent it because he didn't ask ds if he got it. If he sent it he probably would have been asking ds if he'd gotten it to make sure it had gotten here. I wouldn't really care if he just didn't send ds something (that's par for the course) if he didn't tell ds for weeks that he was going to. That's just.... ugh. Who does that to a child!?! He's got this whole speech he says to ds pretty much every week about how "I'm sorry I messed up, I haven't been there and I should have, I love you, I promise I'll do better and I'll always be there for you" and yet..... here we are.

He slipped up last week when he was talking to ds on Thursday. He was telling ds that they had gotten an ultrasound done that day and his wife is having another boy. Then he told ds "So I'll have 2 sons now!" (insert pause....) "Oh, well, including you I guess I will have 3 sons now". Seriously? Way to make the kid feel included- you forgot to even include him in your count of how many kids you have.... while talking to HIM.

I really just want to call him up and say WTF do you REALLY want? Because *this* is obviously not it. But I've been advised to let it go and wait for him to make the next move (hopefully letting enough time tick by so that dp and I are married next time I step into that court room).