weekly Chat Thread Oct 11-17 - Page 3

[MamaChef]

Crystalyn,
You inspired me to get some KozyShack. I had been planning on making pudding recently but just couldnt get motivated enough to do it. Boy was it good.

Seafox, 20 weeks? Ugh. Shoot me. Seriously. Ill be crazy by then. When I was student midwife I did not have the proper amount of compassion for women who were this sick all the time.

nixnc, you cant have ms until 22 weeks this time. You already did that. Infact, you had enough ms for 2 pregnancies so you are do for a break immediately In all seriousness, how miserable. I really hope you get a better experience this time.

bluepetals, I hope last weekend was just a fluke and you feel better and better. Sucks about the midwives though.. have you actually shown up at their office? I highly recommend that. After working with midwives I know how much harder it is for them to say no in person

Sara, what is a Magical Monday get together? Sounds fun!

becca, So Sorry you are feeling so bad. I commiserate, but Im not actually puking most of the time. Have you tried anything like b6/Unisom or zofran? My midwife really believes in Bonine. I picked some up on my way home. I hate taking pills, but I might do it.




I just got back from a midwife appt. Ive been a bit worried because I swore my fundus was 2 cm below my belly button and that didnt make any sense since Im 10 weeks 2 days. Ive been so sick unlike the first pregnancy and twins run in my husband's family. My midwife found my fundus exactly where I thought it was and we decided to take a little look with the U/S. One baby in there, thank God! Measuring exactly to dates. It made me really miss my studies. Im so greatful to be able to use my midwife. She takes very very few VBACs so it's a huge relief to be in her care. She has been my favorite of all the midwives Ive studied with and she is just such a phenomenal woman and midwife. What a blessing!

In other news, I get to email my actual mother today and tell her I really dont want her to come visit during my pregnancy. She has been pestering me to nail down a week in Nov for her to come. Ugh. That sounds like torture. Ever since I had DD she has come to visit every 6-12 weeks. It is exhausting and annoying since I barely saw her that often when I was a young child (a bit of an exaggeration, but my Mom was very absent for all of my life prior to me having a baby - and in those absences she exposed me to people and situations that were very harmful. I was sexually, emotionally and physically abused from a young age by the men she brought through our lives. As Ive grown older she has some sort of amnesia to this and wants to pretend my childhood was roses and unicorns. When she comes to visit she tries to buy things to express affection instead of engaging in actual human interaction. Most of the visits she is working long distance or watching some crap thing on tV or dragging us to the mall. She has a serious shopping problem. I HATE shopping.

Anyway, my last pregnancy her partner of 15 years behaved very very badly in a business situation where my husband's company built a website for him and he didnt pay tens of thousands of dollars. It was a big mess. We almost had to sue his company, but finally talked to the CEO and were compensated. Her partner was HORRIBLE to me, he called me horrible names and just was disgusting. Ive always known he was disgusting.. but that was my limit and my Mother was horrible in return about it. She told me I was a hypocritical Christian, she told me I never wanted her to be happy, that I was a spoiled brat, that I was making things up.. you name it. My husband who was there during every interaction I had with the boyfriend, was appauled. He is a pacificist and I thought he was gonna punch the guy out a couple times. Never once did she do what she should have and put me first. She has never in her life put me first. Which is fine, Im a 30 year old woman now and I long ago gave up on having a functional mother.. but I refuse to keep acting as if she is one, so some of the interaction has changed. I no longer go to her house where he lives, she was welcome to come here...

But the thing is, I dont want to keep up these pretenses. I dont really want her to come more then a couple times a year. She doesnt even play with my daughter when she comes. Last time I actually had to go in and rescue my kid from my mom taunting her. Seriously.. she was holding something out of her reach that she wanted and saying, "ha ha, you cant get this, you are just a baby.. are you going to cry baby? are you a cry baby?"

It took every peace manifestation in my being not to kick her out of my house. I told her to never talk to my daughter like that again. To this day, DD still says she is scared of her.

So, yeah.. I dont want her here. I want to enjoy my pregnancy, this will likely be my last one. I want to enjoy my daughter, I want to enjoy the peace of my home.

She is gonna be pissed and hurt and dramatic. Im so not looking forward to it, but it has to be done.

Phew.. there goes my vent. Thanks for listening.

[clutterbug]

Oh my, MamaChef I'm sorry your relationship with your mom (and your childhood) has been so fraught with yuckiness

I would go to the office, but it won't help. It's a hospital-run program and they have an intake interview that they do with each prospective "patient" (the midwives call them clients, but the hospital is, well, a hospital), then they sit down with all the interview files and somehow sort through them to decide who gets priority for the spots (they hold a certain number for at-risk women, and my understanding is they also try to accommodate repeat clients, like me *crosses fingers*). It bites, but there are 3 midwives at a hospital that does around 5000 births a year (obviously not all midwife attended ), so they have to figure some way to share the love. The good part of the equation: it's totally free (I paid out of pocket for DS2's birth...but then again, I got the care without a wait )

[ryleeee]

MamaChef ...that sounds HORRIBLE! your mom does not sound like the type of person that you need to be around right now. good for you for setting up some boundaries for your family. you have every right to be protective of your daughter and yourself!

[slb1107]

MamaChef I'm sorry about your mother.

Magical Monday is where we have a big get together with friends every Monday. We take turns cooking and we drink (I used to lol) and play games! It's lots of fun! But after the baby it's going to have to go to someone else's house and we will still try to make it as often as we can.

[elonwy]

MamaChef my mom was pretty useless too, but she and I have finally built a relationship, mostly based on the fact that there is an ocean between us and I cut her off as soon as she gets out of line.
I too am amazing at the ability to sugar coat the past, it's like she rewrites history in her brain. I have talked to her about coming out for the birth, but it's based on the fact that she's much, much better now, and also based on her good behavior over the next 8 months
I honestly feel that the only reason she and I have a relationship now is because I completely cut her off for a couple years. It took that for her to realize that maybe she should be nice to me. She's also finally with a guy that's nice, which is amazing as well.
I'm not sure what I'm saying, but I get what you're talking about and I understand how hard it can be when your mom isn't really a mom.. but sometimes just letting go completely can be the best thing.
Much love

[vivica2]

Originally Posted by MamaChef

In other news, I get to email my actual mother today and tell her I really dont want her to come visit during my pregnancy. She has been pestering me to nail down a week in Nov for her to come. Ugh. That sounds like torture. ..................................................
Phew.. there goes my vent. Thanks for listening.

totaly reading that. so sorry.

[kristenburgess]

oh ladies! the tough situations early pregnancy brings!

I hope everyone who is nauseated/throwing up starts to feel better really soon. becca I especially hope some relief comes for you!

MamaChef - glad there was just one bub for you. I am so sorry you are going through so much drama with your mom! Relating to mine, telling her I didn't want her to be at the births of my kids, especially my first, was really hard for me because we have had a rocky relationship. It's better now but still hard on many levels. I still don't want her there for births - I can't imagine how tough your situation must be and how hard it must be to deal with even now. Our moms are supposed to protect us and it's really hard when they bring stress and pain into our lives. I hope you're able to communicate with her with a measure of grace - and that she will understand you are putting your foot down!

Me - my fridge has been making me gag for days and tonight it finally got to me enough to throw up. Thankfully in the kitchen sink. DH gracefully emptied and scrubbed the fridge - and got rid of all the leftovers in various stages of rot from the back of the fridge. I'm so happy, lol. Smells are truly the worst for me - otherwise I'm fine.

I had my first vivid baby dream last night - actually an ultrasound dream. Bean was happy and healthy and showing off the gender. I don't trust my dreams, so I will be curious to see if the gender and the dream match!

For some reason I'm thinking about twins. Morning sickness/exhaustion isn't worse than the other kids, and I don't have more bloat than normal. I just keep having twins on the brain, lol. Not concerned enough to have a scan or anything but it's just weird how twins keep coming up.

[camprunner]

My mom NEVER wants to come and visit us and it upsets me a lot. She also paints the past to be different but mostly just that she was super mom and I was awful...but I'm getting off this subject or I will get upset.

I skipped swimming (my exercise) this afternoon to take a 3 hour nap. It makes me sad that I gave up exercising to sleep. I'm still nausous but I did manage to catch up on work a little today....but still behind. Drinking water helps...eating hurts. I think it did help to put off taking my prenatal until lunch time.

[MamaChef]

Thank you, Ladies! It really helps to have someplace else to vent. Most of my friends have great relationships with their Moms so they have a hard time relating.

elonwy,
My mom just moved across the country to the other coast, so I was hoping that would add some natural distance. She was previously an hour and a half flight away.

The thing about my mom is that she'll never get the bad things she does because she is emotionally and relationally 16 years old. We actually had alot of resolution happen in the last year through me setting boundaries with the support of therapy.. but I still dont want to see her more then a couple times a year. She is just an incredibly selfish person and is unable to truly relate empathy or compassion to others. Probably because she never received any growing up. Her nice is still crummy.

I do envy the ocean you have in between you. I think my Mom's move was gonna make her try to come more because she has more time on her hands now.


Skrimpy,
My therapist says that as long as your kids see therapists for different reasons then you did you are a raving success. Let's hope our kids always know we will protect them in the most sane, stress free way possible.


camprunner,
I totally understand upset.. so will offer hugs and no further comment




One small last vent because, hey, why not?
The first words out of my mother's mouth when I told her I was pregnant with my DD were, "Well I hope you're not still thinking of doing natural childbirth. You'll *NEVER* be able to do it. You have no pain tolerance." No to the mention the fact that I was in the birth profession as a student for years and had told her of painless birth after birth..but even without that... Hey lady, remember that time you left me at the skating rink when I was 10 and I sat with a compound fracture to my wrist where my bones were actually sticking out of my skin for 3 hours when you were 5 minutes away and knew for atleast 2.5 of those hours.. how about the car accident you got us into when I was 15 that permanently injured my lower back and required years of therapy where I did/do the hard work to feel better to this day? My reply was,"... and that is why you wont be at our birth". She didnt talk to me for 3 months.. I wish it would have been longer. She did never say anything stupid about my birth again.

First time preggos, be warned.. mother issues can be a b*t#h in pregnancy.. along with those crazy vivid preggo dreams. If you are having crazy violent or anxiety producing dreams, look at your family of origins stuff and atleast acknowledge it and let it go till later if you need to.. but dont stuff it down.

I was amazed by the way pregnancy is designed with the specific hormone cocktail created just for you, to make you laugh and cry and think of all the ways you are going to do it better then your parents did.. thus thinking of all the shit your parents did. If you have mom issues, just go ahead and find a therapist and deal with them.. 1. you have more time now and 2. cause they bite even worse in post partum when you figuring out how to be a Mom and feel even further betrayed because you realize for all the books you read and expert information you had and googling you did your own parent/s so illequipped you for the job at hand.

My PSA.

The email has been sent. So, here comes the drama.

[ryleeee]

ugh prenatals.

i came home from working for a couple hours at a daycare at my sons school (part of the work program to be able to afford to send him there!) and went to bed for SIX HOURS!
i just napped and hung out on the internet and watched movies.

[camprunner]

I can't seem to drink enough water I'm drinking it by the quart and still woke up this morning all dried out. Seems odd that I need so much.

Today is going to be hard for me. We have a friend who is moving suddenly who has a daughter friends with my 8 year old dd. Even though dh and I talked months ago about how we'd be better off without these friends in our life, it's hard on me emotionally. I really think that once I know they are gone, it might actually get easier. They're also an integral part of a group in which we are part of and I worry about what will happen when they are gone because I know the group serves a much needed purpose.

[geekgolightly]

MamaChef I know that we are taught to believe that we have to "work out our issues" with our parents and remain in contact, but I think there are circumstances wherein disallowing toxicity into our lives becomes more important than trying to fake a relationship. I don't know where you are on that spectrum, but I let go of my relationship with my father, step mother and mother and it has been rather healing for me. Of course my father and step mother, who raised me, no interest in me or my kiddo and I was the one who kept jumping hoops to get them to talk to me and show interest, so my situation is different, but letting go was such an amazing wide expanse of a relief, I wish I had the guts to let go years ago.

[becca_howell]

Mamachef- I understand mom issues. I don't have a perfect relationship with my mom, but it's better than that! The worst I can say about my mom is she's a closet OCD and pushy. She pushed me into my first unnecesarean and bragged for a while that *she* was the one who consented to the c-section. :eyeroll Now she wants to be in the labor/delivery room for my VBA2C?! Let's just say she will be told what her "job" is and if she can't comply she will be asked to wait in the waiting room. (although I hope/plan to spend less than an hour at the hospital in labor. I want to do all my laboring at home).

Nausea let off enough for DH and I to enjoy our evening last night... Exactly long enough. Almost got ruined by DH though. During a commercial break from our show we watch, I go to kiss him, and Genius pretends to throw up in my mouth! I got so nauseous!!

Oh, and I was shushed last night! We sit on opposite couches watching tv while getting things 1&2 to sleep. Thing 2 was asleep and DH and I were talking. All of a sudden, I hear a shush come from Thing 1's direction! I go over to her and DH and ask her, "Did you just shush me?" She nodded and said, "Mommy, I'm trying to sleep." I laughed and said, "If you want quiet to sleep in, go sleep in your bed." to my suprise, she got up, kissed us both goodnight, and went to her bed! She's getting so big. (3years 3months)

Anyone else having trouble brushing their teeth? I'm good for about 30 seconds, then I'm gagging! No matter what time of the day, if I'm nauseous before or not. Drives me nuts!

[annaconda]

Mamachef I also have a rocky relationship with my mom and am glad she's many states away and will be nowhere near me during childbirth etc. She's a high functioning anorexic who basically shows no feelings at all... and had affairs when I was in middle school and basically broke up our family. Aah... moms. Sometimes I have tried to mourn the fact that I will never get that mom energy I crave so much from her, but it's still a gaping hole inside me.

Anyway... SORRY LADIES FOR ALL THE M/S WOES!!!!! I do not have it and I'm grateful for that.

Sorry to ask, hope this isn't triggering for anyone... but is anyone getting any veggies down? I was able to eat some good roasted asparagus. That was good. But veggies in general - I can't say they make me puke (that's one serious excuse there.) But I just don't want to eat them. But I know that I don't have m/s so I should give it a try.

Had first apt yesterday - anticlimactic!!! But have dating u/s on Friday so I'm looking forward to that. I'm going the OB route and birthing center this time around but am doing a ton on my own with DH to work towards a natural active labor. The birthing center is pretty cool with letting you do what you need to do so I"m taking that freedom and running with it. Just ordered a ton of books, Ina May stuff, active birth, the birth partner... and we have hypnobirthing as well.

((hugs))

[geekgolightly]

on veggies: No, I can't get the desire to eat veggies. Before the pregnancy I was eating big a** salads daily. Soemtimes multiple times a day and I was also eating cooked veggies. I eschewed carbs for the most part except by way of vegetables and fruits.

Now I am carb craving and the idea of eating veggies is about as appealing as eating a piece of cardboard. It's weird. Typically I crave them.

[ryleeee]

do. not. want. veggies.
+ = :Puke

however, i am LOVING these guys still ...it doesn't hurt that they don't taste horrible coming back up, either.

i am craving things like salsa and chips or cheese and triscuits...last night we had some cream of potato/dill soup we had made a couple months ago and froze...DH added corn to it...i barfed it ALLLLLLLLLL up a couple hours later. blech.

[becca_howell]

Asparagus sounds good. Eh... Nevermind. LOL.

I was attempting to go vegan before I got pregnant... Then the cravings set in. Meat. Cheese. Right now it's fried shrimp. Yes, I feel like I'm gonna puke, but if you put a plate of fried shrimp in front of me, I'd eat the. whole. thing!

[kmb9906]

Originally Posted by ryleeee

do. not. want. veggies.
+ = :Puke

however, i am LOVING these guys still ...it doesn't hurt that they don't taste horrible coming back up, either.

i am craving things like salsa and chips or cheese and triscuits...last night we had some cream of potato/dill soup we had made a couple months ago and froze...DH added corn to it...i barfed it ALLLLLLLLLL up a couple hours later. blech.

OMG,I was the same way a couple weeks ago. I could NOT eat veggies. Just the thought of broccoli or spinach made my stomach turn. I could do fruit, but not veggies. There are still some veggies that I just can't think about, but I am back to eating carrots, broccoli, and spinach.

[seafox]

Originally Posted by MamaChef

Seafox, 20 weeks? Ugh. Shoot me. Seriously. Ill be crazy by then. When I was student midwife I did not have the proper amount of compassion for women who were this sick all the time.

In other news, I get to email my actual mother today and tell her I really dont want her to come visit during my pregnancy. .....
So, yeah.. I dont want her here. I want to enjoy my pregnancy, this will likely be my last one. I want to enjoy my daughter, I want to enjoy the peace of my home.

She is gonna be pissed and hurt and dramatic. Im so not looking forward to it, but it has to be done.

Phew.. there goes my vent. Thanks for listening.

yeah, I am super hoping I feel better by 20 weeks but it might just be how my pregnancies are!

and jeesh, w/ your mom, man, that's awful! mom issues are the worst. I definitely think setting boundaries and limitations is healthy. It'd be one thing if she was a big part of your DD's life or something but w/out that I don't see a compelling reason for you to deal w/ her if you don't want to at all. So many folks do so much unhealthy things just to 'keep the peace' but it wears on you eventually!

Originally Posted by geekgolightly

MamaChef I know that we are taught to believe that we have to "work out our issues" with our parents and remain in contact, but I think there are circumstances wherein disallowing toxicity into our lives becomes more important than trying to fake a relationship. I don't know where you are on that spectrum, but I let go of my relationship with my father, step mother and mother and it has been rather healing for me. Of course my father and step mother, who raised me, no interest in me or my kiddo and I was the one who kept jumping hoops to get them to talk to me and show interest, so my situation is different, but letting go was such an amazing wide expanse of a relief, I wish I had the guts to let go years ago.

she said it better ^

Originally Posted by annaconda

Mamachef I also have a rocky relationship with my mom and am glad she's many states away and will be nowhere near me during childbirth etc. She's a high functioning anorexic who basically shows no feelings at all... and had affairs when I was in middle school and basically broke up our family. Aah... moms. Sometimes I have tried to mourn the fact that I will never get that mom energy I crave so much from her, but it's still a gaping hole inside me.

Anyway... SORRY LADIES FOR ALL THE M/S WOES!!!!! I do not have it and I'm grateful for that.

Sorry to ask, hope this isn't triggering for anyone... but is anyone getting any veggies down? I was able to eat some good roasted asparagus. That was good. But veggies in general - I can't say they make me puke (that's one serious excuse there.) But I just don't want to eat them. But I know that I don't have m/s so I should give it a try.

Had first apt yesterday - anticlimactic!!! But have dating u/s on Friday so I'm looking forward to that. I'm going the OB route and birthing center this time around but am doing a ton on my own with DH to work towards a natural active labor. The birthing center is pretty cool with letting you do what you need to do so I"m taking that freedom and running with it. Just ordered a ton of books, Ina May stuff, active birth, the birth partner... and we have hypnobirthing as well.

((hugs))

my mom is also a high-functioning anorexic (though she used to be much more sick) I suffered from an ED myself, but 'recovered' WAY differently than her. In her head, its like she never had or has an issue, she just remakes the past, I guess, so its hard to discuss anything related to food/body/exercise with her. She is healthier now, which is good, but I hate how its like it never happened. I tried to learn from my ED, and educate others, even, by trying to explain all the time that women can weigh varying amounts and be healthy (I am a very muscular person, which is something that triggered my ED in the first place, always seeming 'too heavy' for how I looked/felt/etc)

but for her, she still comments that she 'eats like a bird' or whatever, like it isn't (or wasn't) an issue that put her in the hospital more times than I can count! Its infuriating.

BUT, one thing that was awesome, was having her their for my birth last time. I have issues with her, its true, but that was one area where she shined. She was a labor coach in the 70's, and is hugely pro-natural birth, and taught pre-natal yoga, etc. so having her as a resource was amazing. W/out her I might have given up and gotten an epidural (I had a 72 hour labor! I was tired) but she helped me through it.

She also at least is awesome w/ Z. I admit I'd be more nervous w/ her spending too much time w/ any girl child I might have though - but she *usually* is good w/ her ED only really being her issue; she doesn't tend to comment on others' weights or eating habits so hopefully that stays that way (I think I just couldn't help follow in her footsteps a little, despite her attempts to tell me *MY* body was just fine, since she hates hers, and its way thinner)

anyway. I do see her way more now that I have a child, so yeah, mom issues can really come out once you have one!

Originally Posted by geekgolightly

on veggies: No, I can't get the desire to eat veggies. Before the pregnancy I was eating big a** salads daily. Soemtimes multiple times a day and I was also eating cooked veggies. I eschewed carbs for the most part except by way of vegetables and fruits.

Now I am carb craving and the idea of eating veggies is about as appealing as eating a piece of cardboard. It's weird. Typically I crave them.

I am also having issues w/ my usual lunch salads though I am mostly craving protein (did last pregnancy also) eggs, cheese, chicken. I am trying to throw in a veggie here and there and had a salad yesterday even though I didn't want it

[nixnc]

mamachef: i'm so sorry that has been your experience! i wish you could have had my mom! i miss her soo much. she passed 2 months before my 2nd was born and i went through a horrible PPD. i'm scared that will happen again this time. however, i think you should do what you think is best for you and your family as far as your mom is concerned. it sucks when the children have to be the parents and referee the grandparents from the grandchildren. i hope that makes sense.

a year ago when nate was 4, we were at my in laws' house and my husband's step mother came stomping in the house from playing a game of baseball with the kids. she was angry and exasperated because nate called her a B*$&H. of course, i scolded him and sent him to time out, but she would not just let it go. on our way home my husband told me she was taunting nate telling him he was "throwing like a girl, etc" because he wouldn't hold/throw the ball exactly as she was showing him. (HE WAS 4!! and it is supposed to be FUNNNN!!!!). in addition to this, she is a child psychologist. fast forward 6 months, we find out through testing nate has an issue with his fine motor skills. anyway--i can't tell you how mad i was at her taunting him like that and then getting so mad and making sure he was punished, in addition belittling females, etc. the whole situation pisses me off even to this day.

i am so nauseated unless i am eating. my body seems to be craving protein, but i cannot stomach the eggs anymore. what do i do? while i am not vegetarian, i am not a big meat eater at all, but i feel like this baby wants nothing but meat. i can't recall if i posted this earlier or not, but the evening i made those sloppy joes, i ate a bowl full of cooked ground beef for dinner. it was sooo yummy.