Trouble with two

[MommaLura]

I have an almost 3yo ds and an almost 6 week old dd. I'm having issues adjusting. Both my children are very high needs. I can't lay dd down and she only sleeps upright or in cradle position always in arms. (she has severe reflux, but dr won't help). She sleeps long periods of time (which is great) but ds is begging for attention and I can't do it because I'm stuck holding a baby. I know babies this little need to be help and nursed all the time, but how does ds get attention too?
DD cries a lot and it wears me down. I'm getting frustrated, have a short fuse from little sleep, and feeling very guilty. Any advice outside of leaving her to cry?

[busymama77]

! I was there a few months ago. Learning to adjust to a newborn in the house again and still have time for DS1. The one thing that helped me and is still very helpful is some type of carrier -a ring sling, a pouch, a wrap....something that will keep your DD content and be able to nurse while you are tending to your older child.
I wouldn't be able to get half of the stuff done without my SSC!

[Smidge]

Have you tried bwing your youngest? Also, have you enlisted the help of your 3yr old? They love to get diapers, wipes, clothes, snacks, etc.

[Knitting Mama]

What do you mean the doctor won't help? If reflux is severe enough, medication can really help with that. Also, have you tried a swing recently? It took my daughter until about 8 weeks to begin sleeping in hers, but she still does it now at 6 months, so I would say it's worth trying it again if you haven't recently!

[ivymae]

Oh man. I have been there, and it's such a hard place to be. This inability to be everything to everyone became part of my PPD, so please be gentle with yourself. For me, the multitasking part of my brain broke when I had two children, and it took me over a year to figure out how to juggle everyone's needs - and honestly, I'm struggling again now that we have our third.

First, switch drs. If you feel there is significant need and they are ignoring you, you need to find someone who respects you as your child's voice.

Second, reach out. Swallow your pride, and ask for help from everyone you can. The house, the dishes, meals, the yard, the pets - give each person a specific job, and know that you have years of friendship to return the favor. if you can't find soemone to cover the dishes, use paper plates for a month. If you can't find anyone who can make meals, look into OAMC and make as many meals in one day as you can, when you CAN find help for a day. Even if you don't feel like the house/other stuff is part of the stress, for me having a clean kitchen felt freeing, so I could actually focus on the little people.

If you can find just one person, make them the designated baby handler - even an hour or two a week where you know she is safe sleeping in someone's harms, where you can get down on the ground and really reconnect with your son will make a difference. Does he do playdates yet? make a few, and give them a raincheck for hosting in a few months.

A swing, and a good comfortable baby carrier are great suggestions. Also, just know that doing what you can when you can IS good enough some days. Both kids will probably cry more than normal while you all get settled, but this is not forever. You are doing a great job - you obviously love your children deeply, and the day to day struggles have a way of smoothing out when you have that kind of love. Give it time, and be patient with yourself, and the kids. Everyone is new at this.

[mom2lucy]

Hugs mama, this is so hard!! I have a 2.5 yr old and a 5 mo. old, and it's soooo much better now than the first couple months. I agree with all the PP's, especially getting help if you have it. I luckily have a great mom and MIL who've been awesome at taking DD1 for afternoons every week and it gives her some quality time and attention with them and gives me time with the baby without feeling guilty.
I know it doesn't help now, but just have faith that it DOES get better. When I was where you are now, I would literally wake up in the morning and think, "Ok, one day closer to being able to manage this", and before I knew it I realized that I WAS managing it and I was actually doing a pretty decent job.
Get help, get a good carrier/swing/bouncy seat, and try to get some rest. Love your kids and enjoy them and it will get easier.
Good luck!

[mamakims]

Big hugs, mama!

My two youngest are only 20 months apart and my 2 yo ds is very high needs so I've been there (am still there some days).

Everyone gave great suggestions. Have you tried to wear your baby on your back? That way it frees up your front so you can have your toddler sit on your lap and interact more.

Also, what worked best for us was walking. I'd either wear my dd or put her in the buggy. My ds who had reflux didn't like the buggy but liked being in the carseat and then in the buggy as it was more reclined and then swaddled tightly in there. Usually the baby would fall asleep and I could spend mroe time with my toddler.

And lastly, think about hiring a doula if you lack family who's able to come over and help out.

[MommaLura]

Thank you all!!!I do have a wrap and an ergo for her. They work wonders as long as I keep moving, which I just can't do. I love the idea of trying her in a back carry, although I'm intimidated. I really need the arms and space for hugs, ect. My ds is acting out more every day, the baby gets fussy because he's waking her up being noisy. I need to head over to gentle discipline too <sigh> I'm trying to patient, but my dh is not at all, every evening is high stress and my house is falling apart. The swing does not work, but she goes in there when awake while I serve food or switch laundry, get ds dressed, ect. It lasts about five minutes then she's done.

I don't know who to ask for help. DH's family lives near by, but his mom is an alcoholic who is terrible with kids and his dad and step mom are always super busy. Some of my friends are in the same boat I am in. I don't have money for a doula or I'd have one in an instant. My doula for birth did it for free because she's working on her certification.

I will try some of the suggestions and I'm trying to keep my head up, but the last week has been harder than the five weeks before it

[mommariffic]

It's tough eh! I have a 3 year old and a 3 month old, and I remember the beginning was like mind numbing because you feel like a machine! Feed babe, try give other child attention, feed babe, try to shower, feed babe etc..

It gets way easier!

But not completely easier, first I didn't read all replies yet but why won't your doctor help you? If he won't, I would find another doctor! Seriously, that's something that can be helped with medicine, and it will make your life 100% easier.

I second a sling, but I have some back stuff, so I know it's a drag to carry a babe around all the time. I invested in a baby seat and DS is starting to love it, as long as he can see us. Also, try to put together some activities your older one can do while you need to nurse/relax/hang with baby. A sensory box is great; I use a big rubber maid thing and fill it with beans or sand and little toys. Coloring, play-doh..anything to give you a few minutes peace!

I also find getting out of the house is great. Play dates, going for walks etc if you can wear the babe. This way you have hands free, and can engage/push on swings/whatever. Also try to get out on play dates so your 3 year old can play and get energy out, without being needy!

Also, when babe is sleeping and you need to hold her maybe that would be a good time to do simple activities with your 3 year old like reading, or even watching a movie. You have a baby!!! It's okay to just relax once in awhile, and having a good snuggle on the couch is a-okay.

Also, I tried to get DH or a mothers helper to hang with the babe so I could take an hour or two to have one on one with DD and that really helped. Even brief moments can be great and special.

[carmel23]

Can you sling the baby against your chest froggy style? or an ergo or becco?

It is hard, all my kids are spaced at baby being born when the older/oldest turns 3 years.

I think having a routine is best, and really 3 years-olds can b homebodies. go for a walk, play group, all the previous suggestions. It *is* hard, but it will get easier.

My kids loved to play with a pie tin of flour and some hot wheels, scoops, bin of beans, etc. for hours.

[ivymae]

The walk is a good suggestion. i have three 4 and under, and there are (many, many) days where I stick the two olders in the stroller or wagon, and then strap the baby to my chest, and just go. Talk to the older child about what they see/hear/sing songs, cuddle the baby and nurse her as you go (a large men's shirt worked as a cover while walking for us - it's hard to keep everything 'inside' while walking ).

The exercise can be good to clear your head, and the fresh air for melting the tension we build up under stress. Bring snacks, coats/hats if it is cold. My oldest two (2 and 4) bring notebooks that they draw in. Let the oldest out when you can, and let him burn off some of that preschooler energy. And if they are all still screaming? put in headphones and listen to somethign soothing (there are some great 'self hypnosis' tracks out there, even one from the hypnobabies program). As long as they are safe, full, and know they are loved, taking this mental 'time out' for yourself is okay. Put on your mask first, mama.