Need Advice about dd's friend's b-day party (media related)

[LuxPerpetua]

So, the mother of my child's only friend (both are turning 5) sprang on me yesterday that she's having her dd's b-day this December at a movie theater where the kids will watch a private screening of a new Disney movie (Rapunzel). I genuinely need advice on what to do. Obviously this just does not work for us. At all. I am lenient on some things, like HFCS candy on a blue moon, but media is absolutely forbidden for our family. My child has never seen a cartoon or movie and most definitely not on a big screen for over 2 hours. I really want to decline the invitation, as I just cannot see this as being anything other than traumatic for her (and all of us!). What would you do? This is dd's only friend, but dd will not be heartbroken so long as I never mention that we've been invited. To be honest, I'm actually hoping we'll get sick that week, but what do I do if we don't? How can decline politely? I thought of asking if we could just come for cake/ice cream (also at the theater) which would be after the movie, but this mom and I are just from different planets and I think she would be greatly offended. I actually think it would be less offensive to miss the whole gig than to do just cake and ice cream. What would you do?

[sapphire_chan]

Tell the mom you have a conflict (truth: of interest, implied: scheduling) and would it be okay for you guys to meet them at the theater after the movie for the rest of the b-day party?

As long as you don't make her feel like you're judging her for the choices she made for her dd's b-day, I don't see how there'd be any problem with your dd coming late.

Since you'll tell the hostess ahead of time, no one's going to have to wait outside the theater and watch for you guys or worry about where you are.

Afterall, it's not like her dd can play/talk with the kids until after the movie anyhow. (10 to 1 they do play/talk during the movie and don't really see the movie at all. But still, for planning purposes it's not a huge loss for her dd to not see your dd during the movie.)

[LuxPerpetua]

I thought about doing that but she purposefully told me early when the party would be so that we would have it on calendar. Ugh. I so wish she just had the party at the bouncy place her dd requested.

[mamavegan]

Can you just let her know that your DD doesn't/has never watched tv? I'm sure she would understand that your dd's first media experience at a theater would be quite overwhelming? I think that if you are open, honest, and gentle with your wording, the other mother may react in kind. You may want to also have an alternative to offer. Meeting up after the movie was a great idea or scheduling another (media free) playdate to celebrate the birthday girl - maybe at that bounce house that she requested.

Good luck!

[boatbaby]

DS's best friend is a media HEAVY little girl. And we have had similar situations pop up. And I just tell the mom the truth -- I feel like that movie/ experience will be too much for DS to handle and that it's just not ok with me. I don't need to judge her or justify myself. It is what it is.

I still adore this little girl b/c she is such a good friend to DS and they have so much fun together and she is a sweet soul. I ask her enthusiastically about the shows she watches and share in the joy when she runs up to me and shows me her latest character thingy. But that doesn't mean we have to partake and it doesn't mean she and DS don't still have such a strong bond and so much to play and talk about.

So, if I were you... I would say "We're not going to come to the movie part of the party because I think it will be too much for DD to handle. (if you want to say why -- b/c she's never seen a movie before you can. BUt you don't have to). But we're SO excited to celebrate with your daughter and we'll be there waiting after the feature for the party. Thank you so much for inviting us."

Good luck mama

[sheridanskids]

You could just explain you can not come to the party, but because your girls are such good friends, you would love to have her over for a special playdate/birthday celebration for her! So make your own little party to celebrate her birthday.

I have had this conflict when my boys are invited to parties on Sunday. That is our church/family day. So they know they can't go. But if they are good friends I just make sure we have a special play time with them in celebration.

Sheridan

[sweetpeppers]

I have to agree about explaining to her that a movie would be too much for your daughter. I personally don't think it is at all strange to not want to let a five year old go to a movie theater. But I was raised without a TV, and we didn't go to the movies til I was 10 or 12. I took some kids I babysat for to the movies, and I sat outside the whole time with my three year old, because he hated it. Five is obviously more grown up, but still, I think a movie theater is way to overwelming for kids that young. Plus since your child hasn't been socialized to the TV, she would probably not enjoy herself at all, and be bored, but who knows.

[sapphire_chan]

I'm all curious about how this turns out for you.

One thing though, we're media-heavy (proportionally for dd's age) and I know it, and if a friend was media-free, I'd be sure to tell them what time they could come and not see media at all if media were part of a celebration.

It's really weird to me that your friend would "spring" it on you and not just say "hey, dd wants a movie party with this movie, it'll be from time X to time Y and then at time Y and a bit we'll be having the rest of the party."

[zinemama]

I honestly doubt if the experience of watching a movie with her only friend would be "traumatic" unless your dd has emotional issues you haven't mentioned. That's not the type of situation I would apply the word "trauma" to.

However, if you this goes against your family's values, I think you should be upfront with the other mother. Surely she knows your position on these things, if the kids are friends?

I also think you need to get comfortable talking with other parents about what your daughter is permitted to do re media, because this kind of situation is going to come up. (Speaking as someone with no TV, myself).

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by zinemama

I honestly doubt if the experience of watching a movie with her only friend would be "traumatic" unless your dd has emotional issues you haven't mentioned. That's not the type of situation I would apply the word "trauma" to.

Yes, I agree. As someone who suffered actual trauma as a child, I'm very sensitive to the hyperbolic use of the word. I think if you feel this way, you should be honest with the mom ("we don't do television, and i don't think DD could handle it" should suffice) and with your daughter. Your daughter will know about the party; I can't imagine that the other child wouldn't mention it. Plus if you have beliefs that make you out of the mainstream, then it's your obligation to be forthcoming with your children about it rather than trying to hide it from them.

[lyrebird]

Yes, I agree, be upfront - this issue is going to come up again.
Regardless of your values and wanting to keep media free, I do think there is potential for a deeply disturbing experience (whether "traumatic" or not) if your daughter sees the film. Children who are not exposed to media are probably more likely to be hypersensitive to the noise and visual effects of a cinema. I would not underestimate the effect this could have on your child without having any prior exposure. I was 6 or 7 when I went to the cinema for the first time - I had hardly watched TV beforehand and I was very scared and needed to leave. I will never forget it. I saw the Wizard of Oz and I'm still freaked out by the witch!!!! For me it was so real. Some children are more sensitive than others, but perhaps there's another way to find out if your child would cope. Eventually it would probably be good to desensitise her, speaking from experience, you need to be gently introduced to these things.