I guess we have very uncivilized dinners

[mom2happy]

Is this shocking?

DH works until the kids are already asleep. I'm home with 3 all day every day until we all go to sleep. Yes, maybe these are excuses but since we've never had sit down meals, Ive never thought about it.
My kids are constantly doing crafts. The markers, pencils, crayons, scissors are out almost everyday on the kitchen table. I kind of just place their food on the table beside them while they are doing things. I never really sit down because I eat while I'm cleaning up or doing bills or whatever.
They get up to get something out of their room or to get more paper and it doesn't bother me. DH doesn't like it. He thinks its indulgent and improper.
They behave nicely at restaurants, or if we go to a formal dinner or something.
Is it important to have the Leave it to Beaver style dinner table every night?
I don't think so, but maybe I'm missing something.
I feel like- DH isn't here, I have no one else that's ever going to relieve me of the mess or child care. The baby is going to need me any minute. The kids are not lacking in quality conversational together time. We spend the hour after school every day talking and hanging out while I have tea and they unwind.
So, I can take it, Is there something wrong with this?

[mom2happy]

me again
I forgot to mention that the kids are 5 and 7, and baby is 5 months.

[staceychev]

The only thing that would concern me is that they're doing an activity while they're eating, which could possibly, in the long run, train them to eat mindlessly which could in turn lead to overeating.

Personally, I'm a big fan of sit-down dinners, but I know that I'm not overly inclined to cook when DH isn't around. If he wasn't home every night, I don't know what I'd be doing either!

[dioramamama]

I definitely don't think you're in the wrong here, esp. if they manage to behave well in places where they kind of need to be "civilized." The compromise might be to have a more formal dinner when your husband is around, and otherwise just do what works for you.

[Mackenzie]

I don't see what the big deal is when he is not there but when he is, I this it's reasonable to have a more organized dinner, if that makes him happy.

[peainthepod]

If he's not even there for dinner, I don't see why it should matter to him. Maybe on those (rare?) occasions you all eat together, you can treat it like a more formal meal. But if it's just you and the little ones, I don't see why you can't keep it super casual. I struggle with just one toddler and getting an organized dinner together. Can't imagine doing it with three and no help from DH!

Anyway, as long as there are no compulsive eating issues going on (like they want plate after plate of food while they do interesting things at the table) and they have good manners when they need to, what's the problem? You sound like you're doing a great job.

[Learning_Mum]

I agree with PP. Maybe try and 'fancy' it up a bit for when DH is home but if they can behave appropriately when needed I don't see the big deal.

We used to do 'proper' dinners when I was growing up. All around the dining table, telly off etc and now because it's the kids and I basically we all sit on the floor and eat. At least I do know how to behave when at a restaurant. Probably something I should teach the kids but we don't really go anywhere that it's necessary!

[Lisa1970]

If your dh is not there and it is not causing him troubles when he is there, then you are doing fine.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Sounds fine to me. Its how we eat. We don't make eating a "priority" activity any more than we give a lot of weight to going to the bathroom. Its just a biological need; don't make it bigger than it is. I actually think overeating is more likely to arise when meals are made into something larger than they are supposed to be, and you are required to sit at a table, do nothing else, and focus upon your meal. Even if your body isn't hungry at that particular moment, there is nothing else to do but eat or chat. So you eat without regard for whether your body needs food at that moment because that is what you are supposed to do and your options to do anything else are really limited. I personally think making art is way more important than having an enforced time of sitting and eating together.

I'm sure I'll get flamed for bucking culture! How dare I trash one of culture's most sacred activities

[philomom]

Well, studies do show that eating around the table as a family helps your kids study better and avoid gangs and drugs. Your husband should change his work schedule to be there for family dinner at least part of the week. Even three days a week having dinner around the table would be better than none. Can't do dinner? What about family breakfast or family lunch?

http://www.suite101.com/content/fami...hy-kids-a19708

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases...0901073612.htm

http://www.health.com/health/article...0583_1,00.html

[mamazee]

If it works for your family, it's fine. I agree with PPs who say that family together time without distractions is very beneficial, and the best way to make that happen is by having family dinners, but if what you're doing is working you could just try to get some other time where you all are together as a family. Also, your dh should be there as well and obviously that won't happen at dinner, so maybe another time would work better for you.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Originally Posted by philomom

Well, studies do show that eating around the table as a family helps your kids study better and avoid gangs and drugs. Your husband should change his work schedule to be there for family dinner at least part of the week. Even three days a week having dinner around the table would be better than none. Can't do dinner? What about family breakfast or family lunch?

http://www.suite101.com/content/fami...hy-kids-a19708

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases...0901073612.htm

http://www.health.com/health/article...0583_1,00.html

I doubt the magic is in eating together. I'll bet the magic is in being together, whether its making arts and crafts together, playing charades, or having a lively conversation while driving in the car.

[Acupuncturist]

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie

I doubt the magic is in eating together. I'll bet the magic is in being together, whether its making arts and crafts together, playing charades, or having a lively conversation while driving in the car.

I think that the eating IS the magic simply because eating is something that families HAVE to do every day and there's lots of benefit in doing it together. Things like making arts and crafts or playing cards can easily get set to the side as children get older and schedules get busier. Making a habit of spending time together over meals can seem superfluous when children are small and are with mom (or dad) all the time anyway, but that habit becomes important as children get older. In addition, when we sit down for meals together we are generally more likely to prepare healthy, balanced meals. And finally, from a Chinese medicine point of view, it is important to eat in a setting where the focus is on the food and on pleasant socializing. Making a habit of eating while working, while doing crafts, while reading, while working on the computer, while driving, etc, is not good for the digestion.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Originally Posted by Acupuncturist

I think that the eating IS the magic simply because eating is something that families HAVE to do every day and there's lots of benefit in doing it together. Things like making arts and crafts or playing cards can easily get set to the side as children get older and schedules get busier. Making a habit of spending time together over meals can seem superfluous when children are small and are with mom (or dad) all the time anyway, but that habit becomes important as children get older. In addition, when we sit down for meals together we are generally more likely to prepare healthy, balanced meals. And finally, from a Chinese medicine point of view, it is important to eat in a setting where the focus is on the food and on pleasant socializing. Making a habit of eating while working, while doing crafts, while reading, while working on the computer, while driving, etc, is not good for the digestion.

But we're mammals. Are we not like the other mammals on our planet? Do all of them except humans have terrible digestion? It seems as though only the mammals who are in frequent contact with humans have bad digestion. And of all the digestions on the planet, humans have the largest numbers of problematic digestions, not the wild mammals who graze distractedly or eat on the run or play, take a bite, play, and don't finish their plates.

But I knew I'd ruffle feathers even on MDC. Its really hard to go against what is ingrained in our culture. Even though so many of us suffer more health issues than any other species, we still will not look at changing our sacred cultural traditions.

[gcgirl]

Originally Posted by Mackenzie

I don't see what the big deal is when he is not there but when he is, I this it's reasonable to have a more organized dinner, if that makes him happy.

This is EXACTLY what I was going to say.

[philomom]

Originally Posted by Acupuncturist

Things like making arts and crafts or playing cards can easily get set to the side as children get older and schedules get busier. Making a habit of spending time together over meals can seem superfluous when children are small and are with mom (or dad) all the time anyway, but that habit becomes important as children get older. In addition, when we sit down for meals together we are generally more likely to prepare healthy, balanced meals.

Yes, to this. My kids are teens. They have friends and lots of homework. Dinner every night of the week together, may be the only chance in my day to see them and check in with how they are doing and feeling.

And to the OP.... even tribal peoples gather around the fire every evening. The dinner table is literally the "hearth" of modern culture.

[Thalia the Muse]

I think gathering around the table to eat and share food together is a pretty basic part of being human (and not just part of the much-reviled "modern Western culture" -- horrors! -- in fact, almost everyone else shares meals more than we do). But certainly every single meal doesn't need to be that way.

The fact that they behave well when they ARE at a table is encouraging. When the baby is a little older and not so all-consuming, I'd make an attempt to have frequent meals where everyone who's at home at the time sits down, eats, and talks to each other. When you have three kids, one of whom is a small baby, and only one adult on hand, you do whatever you have to to survive!

[Acupuncturist]

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie

But we're mammals. Are we not like the other mammals on our planet? Do all of them except humans have terrible digestion? It seems as though only the mammals who are in frequent contact with humans have bad digestion. And of all the digestions on the planet, humans have the largest numbers of problematic digestions, not the wild mammals who graze distractedly or eat on the run or play, take a bite, play, and don't finish their plates.

But I knew I'd ruffle feathers even on MDC. Its really hard to go against what is ingrained in our culture. Even though so many of us suffer more health issues than any other species, we still will not look at changing our sacred cultural traditions.

No feathers ruffled here.

I am not sure if I follow what you are saying...are you saying that it is our sacred cultural tradition of three meals a day that contributes to our digestive problems and health problems in general? That's a big topic for debate that would lead us way off topic and it was not at all my intention to do that.

All I am saying is that I have seen literally hundreds of people with all manner of health problems who have really been helped by adopting more mindful eating habits. With our lives being as busy as they are today there is a strong pull toward multi-tasking while eating. In my experience this is a problem, especially if these habits develop in childhood. I tell people: 1) Only eat when you are hungry. 2) Always stop when you are full. 3) Focus on the sensate experience of your food while you are eating. Do not do other things while you eat (except for enjoy pleasant company). 4) Only eat things that you find truly delicious -- don't settle for cr*p on a regular basis just because it's convenient. 5) Chew your food thoroughly. I find that these simple changes have far-reaching benefits and in some cases solve long-standing digestive problems and weight problems.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Originally Posted by Acupuncturist

All I am saying is that I have seen literally hundreds of people with all manner of health problems who have really been helped by adopting more mindful eating habits. With our lives being as busy as they are today there is a strong pull toward multi-tasking while eating. In my experience this is a problem, especially if these habits develop in childhood. I tell people: 1) Only eat when you are hungry. 2) Always stop when you are full. 3) Focus on the sensate experience of your food while you are eating. Do not do other things while you eat (except for enjoy pleasant company). 4) Only eat things that you find truly delicious -- don't settle for cr*p on a regular basis just because it's convenient. 5) Chew your food thoroughly. I find that these simple changes have far-reaching benefits and in some cases solve long-standing digestive problems and weight problems.

Makes total sense to me!

[mama2cal&darby]

Mom2happy, I totally understand not having family meals and trying to get your own things done while the kids eat. Although we have always had family dinners, until fairly recently I also took breakfast and lunch as the opportunity to clean the dishes etc.
I, however, have a young child (now 3) with a weight issue. No one else in the family does and we eat healthful food. Because we have a family history of eating disorders, my DH and I were very hesitant to do anything concerning our DS's weight , knowing that once adults start interferring real problems can start. I went to a friend I trust who works at the National Eating Disorders Clinic for advice. She told me that the clinic turns to Ellyn Satter as the go-to woman for healthy eating in children.
Ellyn Satter is really big on family meals (all meals) as well as mindful eating- doing nothing else but enjoying the meal with family. If you want to check out her web site it's www.ellynsatter.com