I guess we have very uncivilized dinners - Page 2

[faithsstuff]

how bout if hubby wants a formal meal, he prepares and organizes it? Yes he's been working all day, but so have you. You know your kids, you know yourself and what everyone can handle. do what works for you guys.

*as an overeater who was raised with sit down family dinners-that's where I learned that food was the drug that would make everything better. the time that my family came together peacefully and I could count on that quite time. we sat there pleasantly interested in one another as long as we were all eating.*

[Katielady]

I had this response all typed out but got distracted by little ones and never hit post- and now I see that the poster above me has said something similar- but here's my response anyway.

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I have a similar situation; my husband doesn't come home til after the kids (4 and 2) are asleep. For a long time I basically fed the kids, which meant putting plates of food down for them while I cleaned the kitchen etc., at dinner time. But then I started getting frustrated with DS's eating habits, did some research on mdc and found info on Ellyn Satter, a nutritionist who's written several books. I really like her approach. It involves meals and snacks at set times, with a "division of responsibility" which means parent is responsible for what's served and when, and kid is responsible for what to eat from what's served and how much. You set out serving dishes of healthy food, including bread, and let them select what to eat. It's worked great for us as a family and really takes the pressure off- no more badgering anyone to eat their veggies. If DS eats only bread one meal because he doesn't want to eat the stew or whatever else I served, that's fine, and I don't bug him about it, but neither do I make him something else. He can fill up more at the next meal or snack.

ANYWAY, a big part of her message is the importance of the family meal, which made me sad at first because we really only eat together on the weekends. But I decided that we needed to start having family meals as a family of three, without DH, on weekdays. It's hard sometimes but I sit with them- and eat with them- for every meal. Sometimes at dinner I only eat a token amount so that I can eat with DH later when he gets home. And a nice side effect is that I'm less hungry during the bedtime routine and find I have more patience. I've noticed some positive changes in how my kids eat- they are more relaxed about it, they've been slowly trying new things, and they're getting a better balance of foods now that they don't graze all day.

That said, I'm a big believer in doing what works for your fam, and if you'd rather keep doing what you're doing, and maybe eat more formally when DH is there sometimes, rock on.

[velochic]

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie

Its really hard to go against what is ingrained in our culture. Even though so many of us suffer more health issues than any other species, we still will not look at changing our sacred cultural traditions.

Even in the wild, groups of animals eat together. In fact, sometimes differences are put aside and enemies can eat together. It is based in our primal needs. Humans (and actually most animals) have a need to congregate to take sustenance. It's not ingrained in our culture... it's ingrained in our DNA.

I, too, believe in family meals. I also don't believe that every single person has to eat at that meal. Just last night we had a soup that I had been cooking all day along with homemade, scratch croutons. I tasted it so much before dinner, that I just wasn't hungry when it came time to eat at the table. We *still* sat down as a family. I just didn't eat. Dd has not eaten many times (perhaps she just came home from a b-day party where pizza was served) and sometimes when dh gets home late, he is the ONLY one eating. We still give each other undivided attention at the dinner table.

Sorry, but yeah, OP, I think that you need to unclutter dinner time. If nothing else, as a pp said, it's teaching your kids that eating is part of multi-tasking. That's a very unhealthy habit to get into.

[GuildJenn]

I think your husband's wishes are important, and the research kind of backs him up. But it's not really fair for him to want you to implement them when he's not there.

I'd suggest a family breakfast time, plus family dinners on weekends.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Originally Posted by velochic

Even in the wild, groups of animals eat together. In fact, sometimes differences are put aside and enemies can eat together. It is based in our primal needs. Humans (and actually most animals) have a need to congregate to take sustenance. It's not ingrained in our culture... it's ingrained in our DNA.

I, too, believe in family meals. I also don't believe that every single person has to eat at that meal. Just last night we had a soup that I had been cooking all day along with homemade, scratch croutons. I tasted it so much before dinner, that I just wasn't hungry when it came time to eat at the table. We *still* sat down as a family. I just didn't eat. Dd has not eaten many times (perhaps she just came home from a b-day party where pizza was served) and sometimes when dh gets home late, he is the ONLY one eating. We still give each other undivided attention at the dinner table.

Sorry, but yeah, OP, I think that you need to unclutter dinner time. If nothing else, as a pp said, it's teaching your kids that eating is part of multi-tasking. That's a very unhealthy habit to get into.

Heh... you should see what happens when one of us tries to get down on the floor and gets our face too close to the dog's dish. In fact, sometimes love is put aside and the best of friends can't eat together

I think it was Ghandi who made a reference to humans not being always able to tell the difference between what is natural (or "in the DNA") and that which is habit (or cultural). Can't remember the exact quote. Doesn't matter anyway... I've found this is a particularly permanently engraved issue for many people, kind of like a political party preference or religion.

In my childhood family, we always ate dinner together. My mother loved cooking foods that we enjoyed, and we loved eating them. I have extremely fond memories, and sensations on a non-conscious, visceral level (otherwise probably known as unconscious or classical conditioning) regarding the warmth, companionship, feeling of belonging, feeling safe, feeling loved, feeling that I was pleasing my mother, feeling listened to that occurred during our eating of food together.

So guess what I do when I feel lonely? Or want comfort? Or don't feel listened to? Or want to tap into that feeling of belonging?

If our family connections occurred during creative, artistic activities, I'd be a thin and brilliant artist today!