Meeting the daiughter... advice wanted

[Soontobestep]

Hey everyone!

So I'm not married yet but I am have been in a relationship with a man for a year and a half. The truth is he has two kids by two different women. I know, I'm nuts right?! But love is love and I've never thought of kids as baggage. I have met the son, who's eight and we get along great. The Bio-Mom and I get along great too. I've known the son (Dom) for over a year and even helped coach his little league team. Dom's mom and I hug, talk and can just chill for hours. It's really weird to some people but it is truly a blessing. I'm so happy that she is so amazing.

However, the other mom is wretched. To make my point, I have never met his daughter. First, I didn't meet her out of courtesy to the bio-Mom. With Dom, I wanted to meet the mom first so that she knew who I was and who her son was going to be around. With the daughter... I don't really see that happening. He is going to court to enforce parenting time because she will not allow the daughter to see her father over some petty non-sense... basically because he's in a relationship with me. Outrageous!

But everything will be sorted out with the daughter in a few weeks. My fiance and I live together now and I'm so nervious about meeting the daughter. Does anyone have any advice on how to introduce myself? She'll probably be staying the night and well, we live together. Do I go on as if nothing has changed? I don't want to shock this poor child and I don't want to isolate her. I want her to feel welcomed and try to make it not such an intimidating experience as possible.

Anyone got any advice?

Thanks for welcoming me to your community and I hope to be a full Stepmom sometime soon!!!

[Kaydove]

From someone who has had step parents on both sides, I'll give you my perspective.

First how old is the daughter? A lot of how to handle step parent relationships is based on age, i.e., don't expect a teenager to be super into you, etc.

Its tempting to want to make her first visit with all three of you a slumber party, while it would be fun to do a pizza and movie night, too much too soon can be intimidating. Basically follow the daughter's lead in bonding, most kids will let you know how comfortable they are with you right away. Try to read body language. Don't ask a lot of questions on the first night, that can be too much too soon. Some kids are shy as well. Basically give her time and space to get to know you. Don't expect too much. Definitely show interest in her as a person but follow her lead in interacting.

Actually re-reading your post, its sounds like you're on the right track! Its hard to articulate since its a fine balance between too little and too much attention. It all depends on the daughter. Some kids are incredibly social and will ask you a ton of questions, and some won't say a word!

One thing though, is try to find out her routine at her mom's house. That will help her not feel so overwhelmed. Example: If she watches a tv show before getting her pajamas on and bed - then do the same at dad's house. Also, find out her favourite colour, and get her a toothbrush/bendy straw/whatever in that colour. Or other favourite things like cartoon character, tv show, whether she loves animals and get her something small for that thing. Nothing too big or extreme, but just something to show that her dad and you thought about her. Maybe have her dad give it to her on behalf of you if she's painfully shy.

(Can you tell I was painfully shy? lol I have sensory issues where I get overwhelmed easily and shut down, so definitely take the advice with that in mind. What I'm trying to express is that it all depends on the kid's temperament and personality.)

Good luck!

[Soontobestep]

Thank you so much!

The daughter is four. My biggest concern is I don't know what the mother has told her and what things she has put into her daughter's head. I know I can't do anything about that but I have visions of this little sweet girl hitting me across the face the first time I meet her, because her mom told her to do it. (It really is a Lifetime movie... full of allegations and so on... it's ridiculous).

That was some great advice and I know Dom, the son, will help me out with letting the daughter know that I'm nice and fun and that I'm a good person. It's so sad we've been in our place for four months now and we have a bed for a little girl we're just missing the little girl.

The day will come soon. It was just easier with Dom because he wasn't trusted into a situation where.. "Hi, I'm Nicole and I'm dating your dad and this is where we live and that's your room and that's your bed and we sleep in the room down the hall from you."

I don't want that to be the situation she encounters. But I like the advice of following her lead.

Thank you!

[greenemami]

What is your partner's relationship with his daughter like? It sounds like they haven't seen each other for a while (although obviously I may be misinterpreting). If that is the case though, could you perhaps give them a little bit of time to get reacquainted before introducing yourself? I don't mean days or anything, but even just having your dp show her around the apartment, play for a bit, and then have you come home in time for dinner or whatever. That may be less overwhelming than having everything thrown at her at once. You could come home with a small gift for her as a pp mentioned to kind of break the ice-even better if it is something you or dp could do together with her, maybe a little craft or a book to read?

Good luck-my main advice is to accept ahead of time that it will take TIME and PATIENCE!!!

[pinksprklybarefoot]

Originally Posted by greenemami

What is your partner's relationship with his daughter like? It sounds like they haven't seen each other for a while (although obviously I may be misinterpreting). If that is the case though, could you perhaps give them a little bit of time to get reacquainted before introducing yourself? I don't mean days or anything, but even just having your dp show her around the apartment, play for a bit, and then have you come home in time for dinner or whatever.

I think this is a really smart idea.

[Soontobestep]

That is great advice. My Dp use to see her all the time but that was when the Bio-Mom was trying to get back into a relationship my DP. She used that poor little girl as a pawn to get closer. I finally had enough and told him he needed to stick up for me and his daughter or else we would end up married and I would have a stepchild that I had never met. He finally did last Thanksgiving and that's when she stopped letting him see her. He saw he on Valentine's Day, a few hours on Father's day and just this last weekend for a few hours.

He said she's not shy around him she just wants to see him more and misses her brother.

I really really like that idea of letting Dp show her the place first. I was thinking of having him take her and the son somewhere for lunch or dinner and then I would meet up with them in a family friendly environment. But maybe we could have him go to the house first show her around, take her to lunch and then I can meet up with them?

I'm feel so much better about this... thank you!

[katslo18]

Like I said in the bio-mom post...I have been through this same thing. I let my husbands daughter (also 4) warm up to me. I did not overwhelm her...I kind of just went along with my business as usual and every once in a while I would ask her questions about stuff I knew she liked (puppies, ballet, etc). She did not, however sleep over right away. We we on day trips to teh zoo or the beach for 8 hour stints and then got bumped up to overnights every other weekend.
I think not pressuring her and treating her totally normal made her feel comfortable with me. We get along really great...she cuddles up to me on the couch and gives me hugs and holds my hand if we are walking. She is able to open up to me a bit also.
Definitely, have patience and don't rush things or overwhelm her. 4 year olds tend to seem older than they really are. They still have trouble communicating what they are feeling. Just be aware of signs of frustration, be open and be yourself.
She will love you!

[VocalMinority]

I read your other post first, about the mom. I'm glad to hear the daughter's only 4. That's a great age. Kids tend to be pretty level-headed and resilient. If she has heard a lot of garbage about you from her mom, then a good, calm overnight should be plenty, to let her see that you're OK. Just don't be surprised if there's a readjustment period every time she sees you, as she detoxes from whatever she's heard about you and remembers that you're nice.

Don't come on too strong. Smile a lot, but don't be in a rush to say the perfect thing. Kids know when people are trying too hard and it makes them wonder what the person is worried about? Is there a problem? After she eases into being at her dad's and feels comfortable, she'll seek you out, just from natural curiosity. Then you can answer her questions and there might be a chance for you to ask her a few. You can offer to read her a book, or watch a movie with her. She might snuggle up to you. If so, great. But don't be the one to instigate cuddling.

[VocalMinority]

Originally Posted by greenemami

It sounds like they haven't seen each other for a while (although obviously I may be misinterpreting). If that is the case though, could you perhaps give them a little bit of time to get reacquainted before introducing yourself? I don't mean days or anything, but even just having your dp show her around the apartment, play for a bit, and then have you come home in time for dinner or whatever. That may be less overwhelming than having everything thrown at her at once. You could come home with a small gift for her as a pp mentioned to kind of break the ice-even better if it is something you or dp could do together with her, maybe a little craft or a book to read?

Really good advice!

[Soontobestep]

Thank you ladies so much for the kind words, advice and support.

I'm just gonna make sure my side of the street is clean. No bad mouthing the mom... smiles... games... books... laughter. I also like to bake and so do little girls, so maybe she'll wanna make cookies with me... maybe.

I really like the idea of getting a craft for us all to do together. I know she loves Candyland and so does her brother so maybe we can all play together. I know we're planning on letting her pick out her own bed cover and taking her shopping for clothes since all the clothes that my DP has obviously don't fit her anymore and we had to give them away to goodwill.

I'll definitely keep you posted as the events unfold... also if anyone else has advice or just wanna sound off... please leave a post. I'd love to hear from you!

Thanks again chicas!!!

[katslo18]

Me again. We let SD pick out her bedding, car seat and a few other things as well.
She LOVES her stuff.