almost 6 year old coming into bed at night - not enough room!

[jackson'smama]

my almost 6 yo ds comes into our bed whenever he wakes at night. could be midnight, could be 5 am, sometimes (rarely) not at all. until recently, this was fine. but toward the end of my pregnancy and now that there is a 4 week old in the bed, our king size is not enough room for dh, myself, a baby, and a child. he thinks it's enough room if he can squeeze himself in somewhere, but dh and i aren't getting enough sleep and what we get is painful because of the positions we have to sleep in to accomodate this many bodies in a bed.
i wish it didn't matter, but this isn't working for us. please help!
here's our current routine: both he and his younger (3yo) brother fall asleep in our bed after dh reading them stories, songs, etc... after they fall asleep, we move them to their bunk beds across the hall. oldest wakes up slightly for the move, b/c he's in the top bunk. youngest sleeps all night in the bottom bunk. we've tried starting the night in their beds. it doesn't work. they FREAK OUT to start the night in the "big bed" and it hasn't been worth it so far to make that change - figuring what's it matter in the big scheme of things?
ideas we've thought about that haven't worked:
1)big and little brother sleeping in the same bed would not suffice for oldest. he wants to sleep in OUR bed.
2) his own bed in our room
3) putting him back in his own bed - he just cries and tries to reason and negotiate. i've found this too tiring at 2 am and it also breaks my heart that this seems so important to him.
4) dh moving to oldest's top bunk when he moves over - doesn't work b/c dh doesn't think it's that comfortable and b/c it still wakes him up enough to screw up his sleep (he's much more sensitive to interrupted sleep that i am)

he denies fears of anything. he just says he wants "to sleep in the big bed".

i hate that i started something that now i'm trying to stop. it makes me feel super guilty. i don't want to kick the baby out so that the 6 year old can stay.

at this point, i'm not willing to put all of our mattresses on the floor so that we can all sleep together. unfortunately i'm too particular for that setup in my bedroom - it would drive me batty to have to look at it daily.

any advice at all? please help me!

[Katielady]

After my DD was born, DS (2.5) went through a phase of wanting to sleep with us again. (I had transitioned him to his own bed before having the baby.) We had set up a sidecarred crib as a cosleeper for the baby, and DS ended up sleeping there for several months. Then when I was ready to tackle the situation again, I worked with him on getting back into his own bed just as I had when I was pregnant. (The kind of stuff you find in Elizabeth Pantley's books.) He's slept all night in his own bed ever since, with only very occasional waking. One thing that helped was that once we made the switch back to his own bed, I didn't let him come into ours- I would go to him if he needed soothing. It was temporarily more exhausting because I was going back and forth between him and the baby all night, but in the end I think it was good because it cemented the idea that his bed is where he sleeps and he can feel comfortable and safe there.

My LLL leaders helped me a lot with this one. They helped me relax about meeting his needs and not worrying that his sleeping with us wasn't going to be a permanent thing.

Anyway, your DS is too big for a crib, but maybe a twin bed next to yours or one of those flip out foam couch things on the floor next to your bed?

[RiverSky]

Can you fit some kind of mattress on the floor, beside or under your bed, sort of like a trundle, that your 6 year old can go into at night? Costco sells some really thick foldable camping mattresses
for about $40-50 that would be comfy but easy to hide away. My 9 year old still occasionally wants to come in and if I am feeling like we don't have enough room in the bed, then she sleeps in a reclined recliner in our bedroom.
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[D_McG]

I've found that my kids anyway really go where I need them to be once I'm confident in my decision. At 6 I think it's perfectly reasonable that he (and the 3 year old) sleep in their beds. If you are confident in that. Give them warning. And just stick to it despite the protests, the whole thing will probably be forgotten about in a week or so.

That has been my experience, anyway.

I wouldn't feel guilty. We do lots of things for infants that are no longer appropriate for older children. I know I can't deal with my 4 year old being in our bed very often. He's just too big and it doesn't work anymore. He fit as a baby.

But your own confidence is key. They will pick up on it if you feel guilty. You have nothing to feel bad about! Presumably they have clean, comfortable beds with lots of affection and attention during the waking hours.

[jackson'smama]

i think my guilt tends to come from two sources:
1. if he's crying about it, my tendency is to feel that there's a need that he has that i need to find a way to meet
2. i come to this forum and search for similar posts before i post and many responses tend to tell the mom to accept it/give in b/c "the child won't do this forever". i.e. "you'll miss this when they're teenagers" kind of response. so then i feel like maybe i should just suck it up / enjoy it b/c it's not gonna be this way forever.

thanks for your responses so far! we have tried a separate sleeping surface in our room - doesn't work. he wants in OUR BED. even says "why do you and daddy get to sleep together but i can't sleep in there?" aaaggghhhh...it's maddening at times.

[D_McG]

Originally Posted by jackson'smama

i think my guilt tends to come from two sources:
1. if he's crying about it, my tendency is to feel that there's a need that he has that i need to find a way to meet
2. i come to this forum and search for similar posts before i post and many responses tend to tell the mom to accept it/give in b/c "the child won't do this forever". i.e. "you'll miss this when they're teenagers" kind of response. so then i feel like maybe i should just suck it up / enjoy it b/c it's not gonna be this way forever.

thanks for your responses so far! we have tried a separate sleeping surface in our room - doesn't work. he wants in OUR BED. even says "why do you and daddy get to sleep together but i can't sleep in there?" aaaggghhhh...it's maddening at times.

eh. I think you should do whatever you think will get everyone the most sleep. Nostalgia aside. Comfortable sleep is where it's at For me, DH and I sleeping together is a priority with no alternative unless there is some crisis. For me, privacy in the bedroom with older children is also a priority. But yours may differ!

re: crying/need. Everyone is teary at night. He's tired and really who wants to face change at midnight? Just lead the family to where it needs to be. That's my advice, anyway.

[Caneel]

OP - I can really relate. We are trying to transitition our 5 yo into his bed and it is hard. He says things like "my place is between mommy and daddy who love me" as he cuddles in and blinks those long lashes at me. Talk about feeling guilty!

It doesn't help that DH says he is on board with moving DS but often derails my efforts. Last night he needed to give DS just one more hug and kiss, which had the effect of waking him up. At that point, I was just too tired to start the process all over again.