Anyone else with DPs who travel constantly?

[mamandedeux]

How do you cope with the ''poor you'' comments?
My DH is away a lot, sometimes for weeks at a time. I have two boys, a preschooler, and a 11 month-old. It's busy, and yes, sometimes I do find it hard, but mostly, we're doing fine. We co-sleep, so come bedtime, we just pile into bed. Both boys are great eaters, and we're vegetarians (at least when daddy's away...), so mealtimes are easy. We shop together, cook together, eat together. We get out and are very active. We don't do tv. But it seems that every time someone finds out I'm alone again, the negative comments start... things like, ''I don't know how you do this'', ''it must be terrible on the kids'', ''you're pretty much a single parent'' (no, I'm not..) and my favourite: ''there's no way I'd let DH travel so much''... (huh, he's fortunate to have a job that he loves, that pays well, and that allows us to keep me home with the kids... yeah, I should force him to quit.) I usually just smile and say, ''yeah, it can be challenging'' and change the subject. I know better than to say that things are easy, since I usually get questions about whether I even miss DH. So how do YOU deal with the negative comments?

[KLM99]

My husband only travels one week a month, sometimes two, so I'm not alone as much as it sounds like you are. I think probably are probably just trying to make conversation. And it *is* hard to be on your own for any amount of time. I usually tell them I actually enjoy the "freedom" for a few days - we eat whatever we want, the kids sleep with me, I try to have girl friends over for dinner, etc. And then just go with the conversation.

[mamandedeux]

yeah, KLM, you're right... I just need to vent I guess. I dropped off DS1 to preschool earlier and he mentioned that he'd love to show daddy his craft when he came home. One mom asked if he was gone, and another replied ''oh, my, you're always alone...'' and within seconds there were about 10 moms bemoaning my poor situation. It is hard at times, but some parents do this. every. single. day. There's a widowed dad in my neighbourhood with 2 young children, and I know quite a few single parents with little to no support from the other parent. So, yeah, my life is good!

[KLM99]

I didn't mean that to sound callous - I know you know they're just trying to symphathize. Are you ok with him traveling or are you tired of it too? I especially feel bad being compared to single parents. Once someone even said something around a mom whose husband was in Iraq.

[Maluhia]

I reply with "me neither! but it sure ends up fun!" I want my DD to see me in this situation as not burdened by her but full of joy for the time I get with her, I dislike the messae that caring for her should be seen as burdensome.
The single parent comparisions are just rude to single parents: my husband is away but I have his financial support, emotional support and the ability to call in a crisis not to mention the lack of adversarial custody issues that single mothers handle with grace. I tend to disabuse people of the notion that my husband being gone for six months is anything like being a single mother, because it is not.

[Kristine233]

It's probably different for everyone. When my DH traveled he was only home 4 days a month, the rest of the time he was over the road. For me it was hard. Having 3 kids within 4 years, all were babies or preschool. I felt like a single parent, everything was on me. I was fortunate to have his income which was the only difference. I didnt have his support and couldnt call him either. If I was a single mom theres a good chance I may have gotten a couple weekends of no kids to do shopping or such, I didnt have that either. (as a single mom I would have child support too in the ideal situation so I guess the financial aspect is kind of negated too) On top of that my son is autistic and those early years were really hard. Shopping trips left me wanting to crawl into a corner and cry. I had no help or support.

So when people said comments that were more along the pity side I basically said "we do what we have to for our kids and family" and left it at that. I sometimes said "Yes, it's hard, would you like to watch a child or two while I go grocery shopping?" (which no one ever did, lol)

Finally after 5 1/2 years we got the official autism dx for my son and dh called his work that day and told them he quit. He finally realized how hard it had been for me and the official dx drove it home and he wanted to help more.

Again, I'm sure it's different for every family but for ours it was hard. I wouldn't pretend it wasn't when people commented but I didn't ever take a woe is me attitude either.

[Maluhia]

If I was a single mom theres a good chance I may have gotten a couple weekends of no kids to do shopping or such, I didnt have that either. (as a single mom I would have child support too in the ideal situation so I guess the financial aspect is kind of negated too)

This assumes that an ex pays child support on time, that single moms share custody with a reliable ex who takes the kids, etc. All points that are not absolutes.

I'm sure that having a young autistic son would be difficult with a traveling husband who could not be present to support but I think that idealizing the "help" that single mothers get in a society that is not as helpful as we often are led to believe we are is a dangerous slope.

I think rather than spending our time as mothers "comparing" ourselves to one another and deciding on degrees of "hardness" we should focus on coping strategies in a society where mothers do the majority of child rearing and our paternal leave policies are sorely behind our European neighbors. Oh to live where patneral leave is the expected norm.....ah, imaginary joyful world....

[mbhf]

My dh is military. He is gone more than he is home and when he is home he works very long hours. I would love to have him home with us more, but I am very happy and we have a great time. The hardest part is missing him. When he's home he might not get home until I'm fast asleep but I know he's there. I can bring him dinner. I know where he is. And sure, I would love to go grocery shopping with just the baby every once in a while and there are some things that are difficult to do alone with 5 young children (my oldest is 7 and we homeschool) but you do what you have to do and you can either be happy about it or not, and I prefer to be happy about it.

I also really dislike the "single mother" comments. I am not a single mother any more when he is gone than when he is home. I have a partner. He provides financial support, and together we share much more than I would get in child support if we were divorced. He loves me and he supports me as much as he is able. I know I have him even when I haven't spoken with him in weeks and know I won't speak to him for a good while longer. Even if it is impossible to contact him. I know he is there, I know he will eventually come home.

[busymama77]

My DH travels for his job. Some months it can be crazy, others he's gone maybe five days out of the month. It's a part of his job and he loves his job and he's GREAT at what he does. Sure, I feel overwhelmed at times working full time and then taking care of two boys in the evenings and in the mornings, but we've become accustomed to it. His income couldn't have gotten us the house that we live in, in the best school district and neighborhood in the county and so on. When he's home, he makes time for me and the boys.

And yes, I tend to get the 'single mother' comments and I just laugh it off. Some folks try to be sympathetic and I just don't need that. I'm happy with the way things are.

[Kristine233]

Originally Posted by Maluhia

This assumes that an ex pays child support on time, that single moms share custody with a reliable ex who takes the kids, etc. All points that are not absolutes.

I'm sure that having a young autistic son would be difficult with a traveling husband who could not be present to support but I think that idealizing the "help" that single mothers get in a society that is not as helpful as we often are led to believe we are is a dangerous slope.

There are many variations in all situations, thus one person with a traveling partner might fight it easier than another, and one single mother might find it easier than another. The point I was trying to make is that no one should generalize a set of mothers and it may be hard to commiserate with someone because while both may have traveling spouses they could be in very different situations and not everyone is going to find it easy. I found it very hard so when people told me "well at least you're not a single mother" it really upset me because most of my friends who were single mothers had more help than I did. So I don't like blanket statements or assumptions and try to refrain from them. (You'll see when I made my example in the previous post I only spoke of myself, not of all. DH and I have made serious considerations about splitting up in the past and would be civil to each other regarding child support and custody, these are things we've discussed. Thus I can speak for myself, and I only speak for myself)

I agree that all mothers need support, no matter what the situation. I, for one, don't forget about mothers with traveling spouses just because my experience was a hard one and having been there I can easily empathize with others who are experiencing the same. While others may have more experience in another area. I think most of us would give support to any mother we know that needs it.

[34me]

I find it hard when dh travels but he's been at the same employer (it's been sold 4 times in 12 years but his butt is in the same chair) but just started travelling this year. He's gone anywhere from 2-3 weeks a month to a week at a time. He is unreachable during the day because he's in the boonies and then he's so tired in the evenings he often doesn't call. I work part time but we have a preeteen and two teens that are pretty busy - one plays competetive travel hockey. Just the scheduling is crazy. No family or friends to help out although there is a hockey practice car pool. but not one for school, lego robotics, the crazy times when I need to work late, etc.

I'm tired. He's not used to the travel lifestyle either so when he comes home he just wants to take care of himself because that's what he's used to doing when he's away. So I'm still doing it all when he's home.....

[mamandedeux]

Ok, I calmed down. I can revisit this thread.. DH came home and spent 1 hour telling me about the 5 star hotels they were at, and how amazing the nightlife is in this city, and how that city has the best restaurants. But he did also say that as cool as his job is, and as much as he does enjoy his trips, he misses his family the whole time. He also took the boys for a few outings this w-e so I could have me time.

I do get that people are trying to make conversation, and I've come to realize that if it gets to me, it's because, deep down, I do resent being alone. I guess I just hate being reminded how much my situation is supposed to suck (even though I still maintain that it doesn't). Also this:

Originally Posted by Kristine233

If I was a single mom theres a good chance I may have gotten a couple weekends of no kids to do shopping.

I've considered getting separated just to go shopping sans kids. Ok, not really, but you get the idea.

DH is home for the week, and hopefully there will be less travel down the road (he can have 2-3 month stretches with just 1-2 nights away).

And yes, military families do have it much harder. I admire parents who have to be alone AND worry about the safety of their partner. At least, nothing too bad can happen to DH while in a 5-star hotel eating sushi and enjoying a martini...

[cappuccinosmom]

My dh is overseas right now, total time gone will be 18 months. If he can work it, he may travel more often (but for shorter time periods) in the future.

It actually hasn't been "that bad". He left us in a very comfortable situation (with my family), we are well taken care of, safe, comfortable, and not lonely. We call him weekly, sometimes with business matters, sometimes just to say hi. The kids are young enough that this didn't devastate them, and the abscense has made all of us realize how much we love each other.

I just tell people "Well, it hasn't been so bad. We live with my family, and they're great. Can't wait for dh to get back but he made sure we were going to be OK while he's gone."

[mattemma04]

My dh is an OTR driver and home one weekend a month.It has been like that since the kids were little.He got into driving because we needed more money.We are used to it,but that doesn't mean we don't miss dh.This is how life is for us,and we are fine with it.Things are hectic that one weekend as we need to get so much done,and everyone wants time with dad.

I would just not even respond to the negative comments.Switch to something else to talk about. Even if it was hard on you and the kids,or you felt like a single mom...its something you would discuss with dh not anyone else.Let them think what they want.

Wishing you happy days ahead!

[Jaxinator]

Originally Posted by mamandedeux

And yes, military families do have it much harder. I admire parents who have to be alone AND worry about the safety of their partner. At least, nothing too bad can happen to DH while in a 5-star hotel eating sushi and enjoying a martini...

Meh, it's not too bad being a military family. I really enjoy it actually(although obviously there are parts I don't love). When people pity me I tell them just that.

[limabean]

I'm glad I saw this. I carpool with a woman whose husband is gone for work a lot, and my DH went on a fishing trip last weekend and I almost made a comment to the other mom this morning saying something like, "I don't know how you do it -- I had a tough time being on my own for one weekend!" But then I thought that a comment like that might not feel that great to her (even though I didn't mean it in a bad way), so I didn't say anything, and now that I saw this thread I'm glad I kept my mouth shut!

So even though I'm sure you'll still get the occasional "poor you" comment, at least you educated me, so I'll be one less person who annoys my neighbor with those type of comments.