To meet the Bio-Mom or not meet the Bio-Mom... that is the question

[Soontobestep]

Okay...

So I had laid out most of my story in the thread entitled "Meeting daughter... advice wanted."

Now I'm trying to figure out if it would be a good thing or a bad thing to meet the DSD's Mom first, before I meet the DSD.

With my DP's other child I met the mom first. I wanted to do that with both of his children. I told my DP that I didn't want to meet any of his kids until I met their mothers first. I felt that if I were in their position I would want to meet the woman that my child was going to be around.

The meeting with the Bio-Mom of the DSS went great and we get along great. It really is a modern family with us. And I know that that is not normal or usual but we really do get along great and love the DSS very much. It really is a co-parenting relationship which I am truly grateful for.

However, the DSD's mom that's another story. I have been with my DP for a year and half and have never met his daughter. Mainly because of the horrible relationship the Bio-Mom and my DP have. She's wanted him back for awhile (for the child's benefit, she says). He finally told her there was no way they were getting back together. She stopped letting him see the daughter last november and he has only seen his daughter about 5 times since. It's horrible. I completely destroys him. But he finally got a lawyer and they go to court in a few weeks. We should have her within 3 weeks... God willing.

With that being said... Should I push to meet the mom or just let it be?!

I want her to know who I am and that her child is in safe hands and I'm not a threat to her child or to her as a mother. But she is jaded and I don't know if that would be the best course.

Any advice on this issue?!?!

Thanks everyone!!!

[myra_mcgray]

After reading both your post, I wouldn't push meeting the mom as a pre-cursor to meeting the daughter. I wouldn't push meeting the mom but wouldn't avoid it. Say hello be friendly don't be too intense.

[Soontobestep]

Thank you for the advice!!!

[VocalMinority]

You. are. not. going. to. win. this. woman. over.

If it were as simple as her wanting to get back together with your DP, even then she would hate you, because she'd convince herself you're the thing standing in the way. Meeting you would just give her more concrete reasons to hate you... and enable her to build up her daughter, for why she should hate you.

But if she is also the type of woman who is so vicious and self-absorbed that when a man she allegedly loves and wants to be with turns her down, she becomes so hell-bent on hurting him that she will hurt her own child in the process... then you are wasting your time, worrying about how to start off on the right foot with her.

If you're not married to this guy yet, you need to be doing some serious deep thinking about how committed you are, to staying on this ride with him. If he is committed to being part of his child's life in spite of his ex, then he has a hard road ahead of him. He needs a partner who is all in and ready to weather the storm, or who will gracefully bow out early.

If his ex is jealous of you and withholding access to his child over it - before you've even become a part of her daughter's life - and he already has to get a court to override her, then this will get uglier, before it gets better. If it gets better.

[katslo18]

I was/am in the exact same position as you. Crazy bio-mom, great daughter. was married to my husband for almost a year before i met his daughter. Got a lawyer after 7 months of my husband not being allowed to see his daughter because bio mom was mad he was not with her. I was introduced to SD after about 4 months of husband seeing her. we get along great! Bio mom and I have not officially "met" or ever had a conversation, but we have been in court rooms together etc. we do not have an amicable relationship and honestly, i have no desire to. she has made our lives hell for the past 2 years and i have tried to be the bigger person the entire time...to no avail. She has her life and I have mine. Fine with me! I tried but I could only try for so long.
Good luck to you. Its very hard and emotional for everyone to have to go through visitation battles. I hope yours goes smoother than ours

[Oh the Irony]

Yup. As Jeannine said you won't win her over. I would just let it go. She would be enraged by you wanting to meet her.

[Soontobestep]

Originally Posted by Jeannine

You. are. not. going. to. win. this. woman. over.

If it were as simple as her wanting to get back together with your DP, even then she would hate you, because she'd convince herself you're the thing standing in the way. Meeting you would just give her more concrete reasons to hate you... and enable her to build up her daughter, for why she should hate you.

But if she is also the type of woman who is so vicious and self-absorbed that when a man she allegedly loves and wants to be with turns her down, she becomes so hell-bent on hurting him that she will hurt her own child in the process... then you are wasting your time, worrying about how to start off on the right foot with her.

If you're not married to this guy yet, you need to be doing some serious deep thinking about how committed you are, to staying on this ride with him. If he is committed to being part of his child's life in spite of his ex, then he has a hard road ahead of him. He needs a partner who is all in and ready to weather the storm, or who will gracefully bow out early.

If his ex is jealous of you and withholding access to his child over it - before you've even become a part of her daughter's life - and he already has to get a court to override her, then this will get uglier, before it gets better. If it gets better.

Thank you so much... I really needed to hear that.
I am completely in for the long haul. My DP and I have been through hell and back and it's only made us stronger. I think with the addition of his daughter our family will be complete. I was actually the one who encouraged him to get an attorney. He wanted the DSD's mom to be like the DSS's mom. It took a lot of time for him to realize that they were not the same and that the DSD's mom was using the daughter. I just think he thought no one would do that.

I am prepared for it to get uglier and that she may try to retaliate against me as well. She has made outrageous allegations against my DP where he had to be investigated and the courtsfound her allegations to be false. I am prepared that she will try to pull that stuff with me too.

My DP and i have talked about it at great length and we're prepared and will back each other's play.

Maybe I'll just let it be and God willing she'll find a man (my DP seems to think that would get her stop being so crazy). I have been committed to him despite his ex for over a year and i do realize that I will have to deal with this woman for a very long time (YIKES!!!).

Thank you for the advice. I really do appreciate it.

[Soontobestep]

Originally Posted by katslo18

I was/am in the exact same position as you. Crazy bio-mom, great daughter. was married to my husband for almost a year before i met his daughter. Got a lawyer after 7 months of my husband not being allowed to see his daughter because bio mom was mad he was not with her. I was introduced to SD after about 4 months of husband seeing her. we get along great! Bio mom and I have not officially "met" or ever had a conversation, but we have been in court rooms together etc. we do not have an amicable relationship and honestly, i have no desire to. she has made our lives hell for the past 2 years and i have tried to be the bigger person the entire time...to no avail. She has her life and I have mine. Fine with me! I tried but I could only try for so long.
Good luck to you. Its very hard and emotional for everyone to have to go through visitation battles. I hope yours goes smoother than ours

Girl... we are basically in the same spot... except i'm not hitched. hahaha.

I really don't want to ever meet this woman to be honest. I know that if I ever did meet her that I would have to be in a good place in my life so I don't have the urge to snatch her eyes out.

Maybe it's best not to meet her. It might be best to be perfect strangers at this time.

She too has made our lives hell for the past year and I am being the biggger person, although I want to intervene and pry and do all that other stuff that would just drive my man away from me.

We should know how everything goes in a few weeks... I'll keep you posted!

[Soontobestep]

Originally Posted by Oh the Irony

Yup. As Jeannine said you won't win her over. I would just let it go. She would be enraged by you wanting to meet her.

you really think so?! You really think it would enrage her?! That's no good...

[Dot-to-Dot]

I'm just sorta crashing...got pulled in by the headline of your thread. Then I read Jeannine's response, and I think she is spot on. She's exactly right. This will get uglier. But, that little girl could use a great female role model in her life obviously, so if you're truly in, you might change her life at some point. But, oh what a sticky situation! Tread lightly and good luck to you.

[katslo18]

Definitely keep me posted!

My husband and I are pregnant (my first) and this is the next bump in the road...telling bio-mom of SD. We are going to tell her at the next hearing in front of the lawyers in case (well, it's pretty much a given) she has a meltdown. It's definitely a tough situation blending families, but in the end it will be worth it.
I agree with previous posters...be a good role model to the child and she will figure out that you are a good person regardless of that her mother is saying about you

[Soontobestep]

Originally Posted by Dot-to-Dot

I'm just sorta crashing...got pulled in by the headline of your thread. Then I read Jeannine's response, and I think she is spot on. She's exactly right. This will get uglier. But, that little girl could use a great female role model in her life obviously, so if you're truly in, you might change her life at some point. But, oh what a sticky situation! Tread lightly and good luck to you.

That's very kind of you to say. I can't wait to meet the DSD and just play with her and be a family. I know my DP feels lost and half empty when he only has one of his kids home with us.

I hope I can be a good role model for her and that she will accept me.

thank you for the good luck love! I am definitely treading lightly with this woman. She's clearly a bit nuts!

[Soontobestep]

Originally Posted by katslo18

Definitely keep me posted!

My husband and I are pregnant (my first) and this is the next bump in the road...telling bio-mom of SD. We are going to tell her at the next hearing in front of the lawyers in case (well, it's pretty much a given) she has a meltdown. It's definitely a tough situation blending families, but in the end it will be worth it.
I agree with previous posters...be a good role model to the child and she will figure out that you are a good person regardless of that her mother is saying about you

Congrats on being preggers!!! I can't wait to have a baby someday. First step... getting hitched...

Maybe she does need a good female role model in her life. I hope the Bio-Mom doesn't stoop to planting seeds of deceit in this little girl but I wouldn't put it past her. Thank God she's 4 and she is still open to making her own decisions and hasn't really been tainted by manipulation... not so much as an 8 year old would.

Thanks for the love chica!

[VocalMinority]

Originally Posted by Soontobestep

She has made outrageous allegations against my DP where he had to be investigated and the courtsfound her allegations to be false.

It's important that you - and more importantly your partner - recognize that telling a young, impressionable child lies about one of their parents and trying to keep the child from spending time with that parent (so she can form her own impressions about him) is child abuse.

I'm not saying go for custody now. It's possible that she's doing things to hurt your DP, but that the daughter is largely unaware of them; and that the ex doesn't say inappropriate things directly to her. But if the ex is filing false charges against him, it's certainly a valid concern that she's overtly trying to turn the child against him, too. If that's going on, and if it continues over time, it may be a valid reason to ask whether she wouldn't be psychologically healthier, living primarily with DP.

Sadly, I think many fathers who are the victims of this type of thing look at it as primarily hurting them. They know their ex loves the child and assume the child is OK with her, it's just him that the ex hates. But it is confusing and upsetting for children to hear bad things about a beloved parent (especially if those things aren't true). It's distressing for a child to be kept away from either parent. It's also distressing for a child to feel like they're betraying/angering/hurting the parent they live with (and depend on), if they love or miss the other parent. MOREOVER, the ex is showing her daughter by example that when people you "love" don't do what you want, it's OK to lie and hurt everyone around you, in retaliation. That example could damage this little girl's relationships with friends, boyfriends, husbands and her own children, for decades to come.

It's disappointing that you had to convince your DP to get an attorney and fight this, but at least you did. Help him see that remaining a part of his daughter's life is about so much more than his "rights". It's about protecting his daughter, teaching her right from wrong and showing her she's so important that nothing could ever make him walk away from her. However devoted he hopes her husband will be to her, someday, that's how devoted he must be to her, right now - while she's 4. It's rare for women to hold out for a man who's more devoted to them than their daddy was.

[Soontobestep]

Jeannine... I couldn't agree more.

I just graduated from law school and my focus was on family law... ironically. It took a lot of work on my end to show my DP what this woman was doing and how she wa breaking the law.

furthermore, I have dropped little bit of information about how this is child abuse. He was going for full custody whenthe mom threatened to move to another city. She decided not to move because she knew my DP would win custody.

Once the court tells her he's allowed to see his daughter I know tha manipulation will continue. She'll switch weekends and not let him see her on certain days and then probably tell the daughter that her dad doesn't want to see her. It makes me sick... but it's better to know what we're dealing with. If that continues I will then tell my DP to ask for full custody.

He use to look at me like I didn't know what I was talking about to which I would reply.. "You're right... I don't know anything... it's not like I have a law degree or anything."

But now he seeks my advice and I let him know what he is entitled to legally. Thanksgiving will be his first holiday with both his kids since I'veknown him. I'm just hoping she doesn't try to pull a fast one... because legally it's his holiday.

My DP and I have made it a rule to not talk bad about the Bio-Moms infront of the kids or to argue with each other, especially about discipline, in front of the kids. If we disagree... we back the other's play then in private we talk about how we didn't agree and try to come to an understanding of how we can better handle the situation next time.

I think that builds stability... especially for the kids.

Thanks for the advice and support. It's nice to be able to talk with others who have been there or are currently there. My family has never experienced anything like this so I've ever green and naive about some of this stuff.

Thanks again chica!

[katslo18]

http://www.fathersandfamilies.org/

Fathers & Families

This is a really great resource.

[Smithie]

"However devoted he hopes her husband will be to her, someday, that's how devoted he must be to her, right now - while she's 4. It's rare for women to hold out for a man who's more devoted to them than their daddy was."

Can we have this carved on a monument somewhere? Because DAMN.

[Soontobestep]

OH SWEET GOD!!!! My DP goes to court tomorrow and his attorney said I needed to be there!!!

Any advice?!?! I'm going to see her... I'm gonna probably have to testify.

I'm nervous!

[VocalMinority]

Originally Posted by Soontobestep

OH SWEET GOD!!!! My DP goes to court tomorrow and his attorney said I needed to be there!!!

Any advice?!?! I'm going to see her... I'm gonna probably have to testify.

I'm nervous!

If you haven't left already...

They may not want you to testify, but only to show that you are supportive of DP.

If you do testify, speak slowly so you don't sound panicked and do not say anything unnecessarily negative about the ex. Obviously, be honest about how she has behaved. The court needs to know! But be factual. The more negative opinions you and DP express about her, the more you risk someone thinking you guys want to influence the kid to think badly about her.

Most importantly, have a glass of wine or 2, to calm your nerves AFTERWARD. Do not, under any circumstances, take anything to help with anxiety before court. You do not want to appear strung out, subdued or chemically influenced in any way. Seeming nervous is expected and OK! If you trip over your words while testifying, it's OK to acknowledge that you're nervous.

[Soontobestep]

Thanks chica!!! We haven't left yet. Yeah... he tells me this last night at 10pm and I heard in the message from his attorney that.. "Tomorrow... I'd like your (me) there mainly to talk about when she noticed the visitations stopped..."

I'm more nervous about seeing her... meeting her. I don't know. I'm fine with testifying... I mean I prep witnesses for court so I'll be okay. It's just being flung into interacting with her so rapidly that's getting me nervous.

It's like BAM... you're gonna see this person who's been horrible to people you love.

I have to not think of it that way. I'm going to support my man and be by his side and I will not let her presence affect that.