To meet the Bio-Mom or not meet the Bio-Mom... that is the question - Page 2

[katslo18]

I don't know if you guys are in trial or not but from what I have been through...it was never a testifying type of thing. The lawyers do most of the talking. If you are going to trial, there will be a bunch of jibber jabber that happens before you get there. That's what happened with us at least! I think it also depends what state you're in. Also, Even at the probate court...I didn't have to meet her. I was there to be supportive of my husband you know? I just avoided her. There was no use in playing nice. GOOD LUCK!

[Smithie]

How did it go?

[Soontobestep]

Okay... so I had to testify. I testified about when I noticed the visitations stopped, why I think they stopped and if my DP was intentionally avoiding his daughter.

Talk about the most uncomfortable situation to be in. My DP's attorney was shocked when I told him we had been dating for over a year and half and I never met the daughter. I told him the reason was because I respected the mom and wanted to meet her first. Well... that went out the door when I was asked to testify. both sides couldn't agree on one thing. the best part was that the court saw how manipulative she was/is and how none of her stories added up and that she was the one being inconsistent. The court told both parties to submit thier proposals and he would reach a decision in 10 days... UGH!!!

He asked to see her this weekend and was rebuffed. But then... oh... Saturday... she text that the daughter wants to see the dad. My DP tries to find something for them to do and we had his son this weekend. They finally agree to go bowling. My heartbroke!!!! I hate hate hate this. I hate that they get together and "family" things and I'm left out. Am I being selfish... slightly yes... but I'm not a secret and she has "met" me. So today they were bowling and I told him that I wanted to go and join them. My rationale was that the court is making a decision in 10days and me showing up is not going to change that. So with my DP's permission I "stopped by." We said that I was in the area and was stopping in to say hello and to meet her properly and to meet the DSD.

Wel... as you can imagine it did not go so well. I showed up she saw me and said, "We did not agree to this and we're leaving." I told her I would leave, that I was in the area and I wanted to meet her. She said, "I don't ever want to meet you and as far as i'm concerned you're a whore." I told her "Nice language infront of the kids." and left.

So yeah... I got called a whore infront of the kids... nice huh?! At least I know what I'm dealing with and not to pursue anything related to her. I'm having my DP call his attorney when he gets home.

Maybe it was wrong to go but I really don't know. My DP and DSS are my family... they are all I have up here. I hope my DP stood up for me when I left, because I stood up for him and stood by him through all kinds of garbage. I just cant' handle the "family" activities going on and me not be involved. I don't know how much more I can take.

What do you ladies think?!

[tjlucca]

I would leave it alone for now. Sounds like She is struggling with some issues around her and your DP's breakup. The preemptive meeting may be to much for her right now and go badly for everyone. What does your DP think about you meeting her at this point? He may be the best judge of how things will play out.

[Soontobestep]

Originally Posted by tjlucca

I would leave it alone for now. Sounds like She is struggling with some issues around her and your DP's breakup. The preemptive meeting may be to much for her right now and go badly for everyone. What does your DP think about you meeting her at this point? He may be the best judge of how things will play out.

The DP knows she's vile and there is no pleasing her. I'm just gonna go on with my life and when it comes to the DSD We'll end up being those parents/step parent that just don't get along. I will never speak ill of her infront of her daughter or the DSS. I will keep the door open for us to be able to tolerate each other and if anything be fake friendly for the kids sake.

I don't want to be this woman's friend and I realize the relationship I have with the DSS's mother is unusual... we're really good friends. I guess I got spoiled by her and the fact that she's a mature person who only wants the best for her son.

The DP would want everyone to get along but she's made outrageous allegations against him and then wants to reconcile thier relationship and then when he says no she freaks out.

I tried... and maybe it was too soon but I think I would have gotten that reaction whenever we met... be it now or 4 years from now.

[Smithie]

In a very short time, the judge will issue his decree, you'll have a set schedule of visitation, and your ONLY important stepmama job will be to adhere to it, treat your DSD with affections, and let the relationship between you develop naturally. You can't control what her mom tells her, but you and DP can show her that you are nice people who only want to be allowed to love and care for her.

[Oh the Irony]

So your DP agreed to hang out with her and his daughter? Not very cool imo to be with her and exclude you.

You asked what I think--it might not be what you want to hear but I would suggest getting out now. This situation will be a thorn in your side for YEARS to come. If your DP does not step up immediately and set some clear boundaries with the mom then yeah, run.

[Soontobestep]

Originally Posted by Oh the Irony

So your DP agreed to hang out with her and his daughter? Not very cool imo to be with her and exclude you.

You asked what I think--it might not be what you want to hear but I would suggest getting out now. This situation will be a thorn in your side for YEARS to come. If your DP does not step up immediately and set some clear boundaries with the mom then yeah, run.

I really you hear you on that. If this does not change once the judge makes a decision I'm packing my bags. In the past we agreed to not include me just because she has so much control right now concerning when he can and cannot see his daughter. So it's by her rules for now. But once the judge makes a decision concerning visitation this better all change. If it doesn't I really don't think I can be a part of this anymore. I'm willing to be by his side but I need to know that he's got my back. He hasn't gotten back yet... hopefully he stood up for me after I left. If not... we might have a problem.

[Soontobestep]

Originally Posted by Smithie

In a very short time, the judge will issue his decree, you'll have a set schedule of visitation, and your ONLY important stepmama job will be to adhere to it, treat your DSD with affections, and let the relationship between you develop naturally. You can't control what her mom tells her, but you and DP can show her that you are nice people who only want to be allowed to love and care for her.

Thank you momma! I hope this all works out because I'm loosing it. I have a headache tonight and I can't eat. I'm going to bed early and hopefully this tomorrow will be better. Thank you for the love

[katslo18]

Here is my opinion!

First of all I can't believe you had to testify! What state do you live in?

Second, look at this from your BF's point of view. He hasn't seen his daughter and in all honesty, that is the #1 thing on his mind. Believe me when I say I KNOW THIS SUCKS, but right now the only thing he can do is play along with with the bio-mom in order to not ruffle any feathers so he can see his daughter.
I have told you...same thing happened to me and the whole "family time" thing is infuriating. It is very noble of you to want to meet and make peace with the bio-mom but she is in her own world where she most likely thinks she is going to get him back. If she is calling you a whore in front of the kids, she is definitely in a different mind set.
I trusted my husband when he was forced to do family time things. As much as it bothered me, I went along with it and stuck by him. I knew he didn't want to be with her but had to tolerate her and her stupid games so he could see his daughter and wait to see how things panned out in court.
I definitely had my fair share of meltdowns about them spending time together but it has worked out. She is still trying to get family time 2.5 years later, by the way. He has stood strong and refused as he doesn't want to confuse the child.
You definitely need to be confident in your relationship with your partner if you are going to make it through this situation. it's really hard and stressful...it takes its toll for sure.

If you're 100% invested, you need to sit down with your partner and make sure you are both on the same page. If he isn't as invested as you, it would probably be better to get out now and save yourself the stress and heartache.
If he is in it with you for the long haul...be patient, family court and blended families take a lot of work and it's a very long process. Very long.

Good Luck and Good Thoughts!

[Soontobestep]

I live in Indiana.

I trust my man... I do. I don't have any family here or very many friend, everyone moved away since law school ended so him and my DSS are all I have up here. It didn't mean for it to go that way and I didn't mean for anyone to get hurt. My man blames me for everything that happened and he won't talk to me.

We do need to talk because I have admitted my part but he is putting the whole blame on me. I didnt' know she was going to freak out infront of the kids.

It really has nothing to do with trust it was more of being left out. I have been a silent partner for 1.5 years and I felt like it was getting ridiculous. I hope this doesn't break us. I've been fighting for us for too long to just give up now. But I can't be the only one fighting for us.

I don't know... it's just a tangled web of manipulation that I got trapped in it too. I wish I didn't know that people like her existed. I will never let this happen again.