Almost 4 year old is being rough with younger ones.

[junmoon]

Hello all, my dd will be 4 in a few weeks and she has started a stint of being unkind to little ones (b/t 1 1/2 and 2 1/2 year olds). It all began when i started nannying for a just barely 2 yo and my dd comes along for the ride. the first week or two was smooth but then dd seemed to get bored/frustrated by the little one and started grabbing toys, sitting on her (if she was already lying down), pushing her, etc. i get really upset, intervene immediately, tell her she can't do that, comfort the little one, sit dd on my lap for a "time-in," talk with her about how she needs to change her behavior. if i get really upset, which i do when it continues to happen, then she just laughs at me for my firm and angry tone, and she seems to thrive on the drama, gets energy from the negative attention, feels fed by it and wants to do it again. so i try to stay calm, be direct, but not totally flip my lid because that doesn't seem to work. i also try to keep her on task with a special project so the the girls can play separately or take them outside, which always subdues the dynamic, but inevitably there are moments in the day where she takes the opportunity to feel more "powerful" than the little girl we care for and demonstrate that "power" through unkind treatment.

now, it is also spreading out into other arenas. the park or public play spaces have little kids there, of course, and over the weekend we had several other incidents of pushing, excluding younger ones from play, using nasty words like "stupid" directed towards the tots.

i am at the end of my rope, my patience and creativity have dried up---i just want her to be kind! i think she feels like she is better/older than these kids and therefore somehow has the right to be mean. i try and try to explain to her how badly that feels to them, remind her of times older kids have been mean to her and how that didn't feel good. she sort of gets it, but remains stubbornly aggressive. i feel embarrassed and upset when these incidents occur, remove her from the situation (park, etc) and talk her through it. but it continues to come up. last time it happened (yesterday), i just quietly cried the whole car ride home because i felt like such a failure of a mother, to raise a little girl who feel entitled to be cruel, to acquire a false sense of power by harassing others. it is so sad and confusing to me. with friends her age, she is joyful and considerate. our relationship at home is, on the whole, pretty smooth, communicative, respectful and loving. not a lot of temper tantrums or conflict.

i should also mention that we moved across the country a couple of months ago. i was talking with a friend who said that her son (also 3 at time of their move) started acting out about 3 months after the move. that for a 3yo it takes about that long for it to sink into their psyche that they are never going back. i think this is definitely a factor for dd. nearly everyday she mentions to me how she misses her friends back in the town we used to live in and we talk about how she feels. i think her acting out with younger ones is somehow her attempt to feel secure/powerful at a time when her sense of security has been shaken. still, i am so sad and tired of it and would welcome any advice about how to gently, firmly, patiently, and effectively help her to change her ways.

thanks so much.

[junipermuse]

Oh Mama please be gentle with yourself. This isn't your fault. I honestly think your daughter's behavior is fairly normal. Your description of how your daughter is acting toward the child you're nannying for sounds very similar to how my daughter acts toward her baby brother who is 14 months. She sits on him, knocks him down, pulls toys out of his hands, squishes his face in her hands. I think a big part of it is feeling displaced. The behavior has gotten worse as ds has grown older. He is more active and gets my attention by being cute and interactive. I don't think she felt as threatened when he just slept and cried, but now she feels like he is getting attention for being cute and clever and that was previously her domain. I also think she loves the drama. It feels so powerful to make the baby cry and then she gets a double whammy because Mama is so upset too. But honestly even at 4, I don't think they completely understand that the things they are doing hurt somebody who feels things the same as they do. I mean their sense of empathy still isn't fully developed, so I think its premature to assume that this is an indicator of future behavior. Even if they do know that it hurts, sometimes four year olds just don't have the self control to stop themselves from doing something they know they shouldn't. All that being said I don't have any real advice. I deal with this daily, and it isn't yet improving. I think sometimes you just have to keep going, just doing what you're doing (talking, explaining, having her take a break, staying close to prevent, redirect, etc) and wait for her to grow out of this phase. The only other thing I might suggest is that you view this as her communicating to you that she feels threatened by younger kids (likely because of the attention you are giving to the other child you care for). When you're at the park or other situations I would really focus on protecting her from the intrusion of other small children (don't ask her to share her toys, warn small children/their parents that dd needs her space, etc) and really lavish one on one attention on her, which hopefully will fill her cup a bit so she feels less threatened by the other child.