How can I help my child to be thankful and less selfish?

[Banana731]

My 6 year old has a general lack of appreciation for things and some rude habits. She interrupts a lot. And she is having a really hard time with no meaning no. An example: Her Aunt invites her to story time with her cousins. They are walking, save for one older child who is riding a bike. DD wants to ride the scooter. I tell her no, she doesn't have a helmet (we're visiting from another state). She starts whining about how she wants to ride the scooter and why didn't I bring her helmet. I told her she can't ride it, she can stop whining or not go, she keeps whining. So I told her to forget it, she wasn't going at all, and brought her back inside. This type of thing happens a few times a day and this is what I am meaning by a lack of appreciation. It's like she gets something, but it's not enough, even if it's something we don't normally allow (for instance-she gets to have ice cream after dinner because the family we are visiting has dessert often and we very rarely do, but she gets mad because I make her eat the vanilla instead of the "artificially flavored cotton candy").

I don't think that we are doing things that would lead her to act in this way. We don't have much money, so it's not as if she gets any and every thing she asks for. We lead a pretty simple lives. We don't have TV service, she doesn't spend much time with kids who don't have a similar life style to ours. So I don't think there is some kind of outside influence causing this behavior. I think we model good behavior. She's fine with basic manners (please, thanks, sorry) and I think both my dh and I really value appreciation for the things we have, so we try to pass that along.

She just seems very self centered. And I know that all kids are self centered, but other kids I meet (including her own sister) just don't seem to be quite so self centered! So I guess I'm looking for advice on how to foster more appreciativeness in her. So far talking about it hasn't done much! Any tips, books? All I've ever seen for her age are those awful "Help me be good" books, those are not for us. It's a real strain on my relationship with her and it's something I'd like to work on, so any thoughts are appreciated.

[Callimom]

I think there are a few issues wrapped up in this.

I think a lot of this is age and stage, and that some of it may be personality. One thing that struck me was that perhaps she needs a bit more time and support to process disappointment and that perhaps what you are seeing as being ungrateful is really just the need to work through things a bit more deeply than you are allowing her. Alternately she may be needing more autonomy and these power struggles are happening at times when you feel she should be grateful to have "enough" but she still doesn't feel she has a real choice (ie the ice cream and scootering scenarios).

On your original question - one of the things that has helped my kids see their world a bit more gratefully is that we do a lot of activism and volunteering together as a family around issues that they care about and connect with. We use those opportunities to talk about why we make the choices we do in how we spend our time, money, resources etc and how what we do can make a difference. We also read picture books together on issues related to our volunteering and also about inspirational people, especially kids. (I keep a blog here with resources).

It doesn't stop them from wanting things for themselves, or from being disappointed when things don't go their way. It does give them a wider view of the world to draw on though which is helpful when we need to put some things in perspective and I think (hope!) it is fostering a sense of compassion, kindness and responsibility in them that would be difficult I think without the volunteering and service piece of our lives.

In terms of books I like Zoe Weils book Above All Be Kind.

good luck!
Karen

[VroomieMama]

I felt this way with my 8 yo. dd and expressed my frustration to our home based therapist. The therapist said it is normal for a child to go through this type of stage...some child seems more unappreciative than others but its normal. We just have to be consistent with setting boundaries and remind them that the amount of love a person give & receive is more important than having or obtaining material things.

[Banana731]

Thanks for the posts. Karen I love your blog, it's wonderful stuff. Thank you for sharing it!

[Callimom]

Originally Posted by Banana731

Thanks for the posts. Karen I love your blog, it's wonderful stuff. Thank you for sharing it!

Thanks!
Karen