aaaaaah you've asked the million dollar question. the hard one.
all our hows are so different.
for me if there was anything that was no. 1 was that i 'allowed' myself to feel the pain. the pain of being in a relationship with no one there except physically and after separation the absolute fear. i went thru all the stages - but it took me over a year to get over the panic attacks. i dont think i really 'tried' to do anything. one day it just hit me that hey a year had passed. and i was still doing ok. that mattered.
yeah i started on a self journey. took me about a couple of years to get on it. for those years i lived in our old apt. the true change started after i moved out. it really felt different.
i started seeking meditation. and i would religiously go once a week, taking my 3 year old with me who would fall asleep in the meditation room while we meditated.
as and when i had money i started doing things just for the heck of it.
it was julia cameron's book the artist way that gave me the courage to step out alone. that's when i discovered how much of a loner 'social' person i am. how much i needed my own space and surprise of surprise i enjoyed doing some things on my own which i never thought i would enjoy. going for lunch, coffee, movies, art shows by myself was so much fun.
there were things i had been trying to do but was scared with all the 'ideas' i had in my head. i took steps to go and check them out and discovered they werent that scary at all.
we came close to homelessness quite a few times and at each time i stopped becoming panicked becuase i kept seeing things work out.
i started taking classes - not because i wanted to, but because for some reason i could. on nights i didnt have dd. or they were free or some reason. and again it contributed to my self discovery. i discovered i hated things i thought i liked and i liked things i thought i hated
for me that stepping out - forcing myself to do it even though i was scared out of my mind REALLY made a huge difference.
and i noticed as i started walking and trying different things i was getting a better sense of all the things i enjoyed (like i prefered sleeping in my subaru than pitching a tent) and the more i was getting into something - irrespective of whether i liked it or not - it started a chain reaction. i met others thru my group. and started honing into what i enjoyed.
plus i really started enjoying friendship. being in school has given me a good base of friends - both classmates as well as professors. so again like minded people.
as the world stopped getting frightening i started asserting myself more and more. to a point where i dont really mind a lot of things. where i rather enjoy sarcastic humour at myself. i loooooooooooove the shocking people element. they are not quite sure what to make of me.
and yes of course its always eat loads and loads of gummy bears for me
esp. the german kind
however i will tell you one thing. i dont know how my journey would have been had i not had my dd. i owe a lot to her. many, many MANY times she was my MUSE. oh boy did she call me on things.
for a two year period all i did was read self help and inspirational books and movies. if it wasnt 'happy' i wasnt going to go there. so there were many i purposely kept for later.
and i have connected with my dream. i had lost touch with that. so i am just loving going back to school and pursuing the life i would like to lead. its taken me v. v. far. for instance i went to talk to a grad school proff and she has hooked me up with an activist group. it is absolutely amazing. its something i have been trying to get into for ages. been close to it but not IN it with both feet in.
going back to school was the scariest decision of my life. and the best. it was extremely hard to do, but by then i had reached my 'f**k it' point so i was like what the heck - let me try it and see waht happens. and boom life couldnt be better. :-)
