should I stop going to playgroups? (sharing issue)

[mamalita]

We just moved to a new neighborhood 3 months ago. We're settling in nicely and I'm trying to make some mom pals. There's a playgroup at our local church that's open to everyone in the surrounding area. We've gone 2 or 3 times and I like some of the parents there. Also, with no family/friends nearby, I think it's important to get DS out (occasionally) to a place where he can see other children and parents. But now I'm wondering if I should continue going.

My biggest concern is the whole sharing issue. I realize that DS is developmentally not at a place where sharing enters his consciousness really. That being said, he will sometimes try to take toys away from other children while they are playing with them. Again, I realize this is totally *normal*. I'm definitely not a "stand on the sidelines" parent at playgroup, and I like to play/interact with DS both at home and at playgroup, but sometimes he just too darn fast for me! Today, there were two instances where after saying "sweetheart, it looks like he/she is playing with that toy, we'll take a turn when he/she is done" and asking for him to let go, I still had to gently pry his hands off . This is DEFINITELY not where I want to be with teaching to share. Today while heading home I wondered if we were better off just playing one-on-one 'til he's older. But then I wonder, do we need exposure to situations like this in order to learn sharing? I hear parents all the time forcing and commanding their child "you have to share!" and I hoped to take another route. ugh! What to do? Sharing IS hard!

Oh, and side note: in our home, he has access to anything that isn't truly dangerous (ex. knives, matches, etc) - I don't think we ever say "that's daddy's whatever" or "that belongs to mommy". I don't know if this helps or hurts . . . Thanks for any feedback. It is greatly appreciated.

[moss]

Toddler Laws of Ownership:
1. If I like it, it's mine

2. If it's in my hand, it's mine

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine

5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way

6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine

7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine

8. If I think it's mine, it's mine

9. If it's yours and I steal it, it's mine

10. If I .............! ooops, WAIT! I've been reading Microsoft's Business Plan!

******************************

Anyways......... :LOL (just thought you might appreciate that, i saw it as one of those spam-mails)

Sharing's a really tough one. Some things that have worked for us--redirect, redirect, redirect... play with sets of toys so that everyone has the same toys to play with. Sometimes, when a child seems to want another child's toy, what they really want is to interact with the other child, but they dont always have the skills to be able to do that, so it's helpful to teach some different social skills like holding their hand, hugging, giving the other child a toy, singing a song, saying hi, etc. I dont know how old your child is, so those suggestions might not work.

[Korwynne]

When my daughter was little(maybe around a year?), we practiced the taking turns thing at home.. i'd be playing with something and she'd try to take it from me.. I'd redirect her with another toy telling her it was mommy's turn and as soon as I was done she could have it... around 15-30 seconds later I'd tell her I was finished and it was her turn and we'd clap and all that good stuff. The idea was that I wanted to instill the confidence in her that she WOULD get a turn... even though she was too young to get sharing, I think it helped...

[gardeningmom]

With my first one sharing was a nightmare. She was only child for several years. I wish I would of done like korwynne said. Hindsight is always 20/20.

[luv my 2 sweeties]

I don't think we ever say "that's daddy's whatever" or "that belongs to mommy". I don't know if this helps or hurts

I do this with my kids because it's reality! If my 1 1/2 y.o. tries to take my library book out of my hands, I don't let him. (Since it could likely result in a torn or wrinkled book.) I explain that it's Mommy's book from the library and try to redirect him to one of his books (or toys). If he's looking for interaction with me, I'll put my book out of reach and read or play with him. Same thing if I've forgotten to put a fragile possesion out of reach. If he finds my glasses, he's not allowed to play with them -- that could get expensive fast! Occasionally tears ensue, but I just try to sympthize with his frustration and distract him as quickly as possible. I don't know if that helps with sharing with other kids, though. :

I do enforce sharing between my children and with playmates. With two little ones, I have to referee a bit or they would hate eachother! As a result, they are both as good as can be expected at sharing. If there's a dispute, I decide on a case-by-case basis whether to help them take turns or to try to get them interested in different things. Rarely, if they are both being stingy, and intervention is ineffective, I have to take the toy away. I try not to resort to that because it doesn't give them the opportunity to "solve" the problem, but sometimes my sanity is hanging in the balance! :LOL

I think it's important to have plenty of times when they *don't* have to share too. I can see how a child who *always* has to share might either blow his top, or just give up and withdraw. I think your once-a-week playgroup is probably good for him. You will get to watch his interactions with the other children mature little by little as he (and they!) gets older. It's wonderful to see!

[bananasmom]

I wondered if we were better off just playing one-on-one 'til he's older.

I think you have received some really good ideas here.

Before you stop going to playdates (which seems like they are enjoyable overall), maybe you could consider how you would handle things if you had more than 1 child. You'd have to find some way for him to work with these ideas, and wouldn't have the luxury of waiting until he is old enough to understand. I think that would take quite a few years, btw. Many children don't grasp the idea of sharing until 4 or 5 years.

[Nanner]

My dd is 3.5 and she has started to really comprehend the rules of sharing, but still has her moments! She was very grabby about a year ago, and we are still working on sharing. Before 2.5, she was pretty much angelic about this, not possessive or anything. Anyway, I think letting your ds know that some things are yours or Daddy's is a good start. Try to teach him taking turns and such at home. You say he has access to all that is not dangerous, does that include things like grabbing food off your plate or taking things out of your hands without asking? I don't know how old he is, but I am guessing he is at least 2? The first lesson is sharing and not taking everything is that he sees that he is supposed to act that way with Mom and Dad (and others in household), and that others treat him the same way. As in, if he has an object you need/want to get from him, you ask him for it (there are exceptions to this, IMO, if he has matches and will not reliniquish them, you should take them from him- the lesson of danger overrrides the lesson of sharing in that situtation).
My dd is an only child, and we have been living with a roommate and her dd who is almost 3 for 3 mths. My dd has learned a lot thru having them here and thru MOthers Day Out (she's been there since she was right at 3), and a lot of repetition on my part and I don't ever let her get by with snatching toys (I ask her to return the toy or pry her hands off, I also take her to her room for a time-out since the roommates moved in, for various reasons, we resorted to this).
I say keep trying with the playgroup, my dd can be amazingly giving and show a real grasp on the rules of sharing, but it has not come over night! Good luck! Be consistent and ride it out!
Sara