Asking about sex

[KMK_Mama]

My kids are 8,7, & 4. They heard the word "sex" a few months ago and have been saying it and giggling about it since. I asked them one day if they knew what it was, they said, no. They said they heard the word on TV. They didn't seem all that curious about it so I didn't bother explaining anything. I had printed off a guide explaining what ages would be appropriate to talk about sex and thought I had more time. But......today they came in and point blank asked, "Is sex when you rub weiners and vaginas together?" I couldn't lie and I told them yes. That's how babies are made. They giggled. I asked them how they knew and they just came up with silly answers like "the cat told me." My kids are pretty much never out of my sight except when in school so I have no idea how they know this much. Now I'm second guessing myself about confirming their suspicions. What SHOULD I have done? Now what? I feel like we need to have a longer conversation about. I'm worried they will go to school and talk about it...or worse. Help!

[MusicianDad]

Talk to them. The only thing not talking is going to do is make the subject taboo so they don't even come to you with questions and increase the likelihood they will engage in sexual behaviours before they are ready.

If you are open and honest with them, the biggest worry you have about school is that they actually spread correct information rather than the inaccurate tripe that is floating around out there.

As for what you should have done... Well, personally I would have corrected the statement. Sex isn't really rubbing a penis and vagina together, it's penetration. Other than that, you handled it well.

[CheriK]

Definitely talk to them! WHERE they heard it doesn't matter; they're old enough to wonder and be curious, so they are old enough to know the facts. By answering their questions honestly and clearly, you're teaching them that they can always come to you with their questions and get honest answers. Far better than learning from their peers, especially as they get older. Now is the time to set the stage for good sexual decision-making as they get older, and a big part of that is feeling safe talking to you.

Do they know the correct terms for their body parts? That would be a good place to start w/ the longer conversation. And you may want to talk to the 7 & 8 year olds separately from their younger sibling; not because it's inappropriate talk for the younger child, but the bigger kids might have questions or have heard things that the 4-year old simply isn't going to be interested in listening to, yet. The big kids are old enough to start hearing about puberty and changes to expect in their own bodies (hormone levels start to increase several years before external sex characteristics appear, as early as 6).

At 7, my kids had watched their baby sister being born. We'd spent the months before watching videos of birth. They certainly knew the mechanics of "how" babies were made (actually, what surprised them was that parents DTD more than once!).

I really like the book "Sex and Sensibility: The Thinking Parent's Guide to Talking Sense about Sex" by Deborah Roffman. It doesn't tell you specifically what to say, but helps you evaluate your familes values and approach to sex and sexuality, and use that as a guide to talking to your kids.

[Daffodil]

I'd go ahead and tell them all about sex. Why not? I would have done it when they first mentioned the word. (Actually, with my own kids I brought it up myself before they heard about it anywhere else. I don't think there's any age that's too young to learn about how babies are made.) It sounds like other kids are already talking about it at school, so I wouldn't worry too much about your kids sharing what they learn. At least what they learn from you will be more accurate than some of what kids at school might be telling each other.

[KMK_Mama]

Thanks for your replies. I have to admit that this whole thing is freaking me out a bit. I don't know HOW to talk to 8 & 7 yo's about sex! Eeeeek. I was afraid they might be too young to know about penetration and I don't know how much to tell them. I did place an order for the book "It's so amazing" at the library a few days ago so that should be in soon. I will look into the other book mentioned.

I am a little fearful of what is going to happen when they have the information. Not only am I afraid of them talking about it at school, but my oldest has always been "sexually charged"....she always has her hands down her pants and the like and is starting to notice boys. Now this could be totally normal at that age but it worries me. We have always said we were going to be in trouble with her when she is a teen and now that she has this information so young it has me a little scared. How do I get them to understand that sex is something that is inappropriate at their age? I have told them that is for adults, for 2 people who love each other and that's how babies are made, but I don't want to find them playing "doctor" either. It wouldn't be as innocent at this age as it was when they were 2 & 3.

Please forgive my ignorance. I am in uncharted territory and this is the area of parenting that I've been dreading!!

[pbjmama]

We have always said we were going to be in trouble with her when she is a teen and now that she has this information so young it has me a little scared. How do I get them to understand that sex is something that is inappropriate at their age? I have told them that is for adults, for 2 people who love each other and that's how babies are made

I would respectfully suggest that you don't say that your daughter is going to be trouble when she can hear you or to other adults who might repeat that thought or theme. To say it to your partner in private is different. She is not too young to have information. Her friends have it and have been talking about it at school. You are empowering her with the correct information when you talk to her.

For example, in my 9th grade health class the teacher told us that a man can tell if you have had sex before because a woman always bleeds the first time. However, I knew that wasn't true because my mother had discussed it with me. Who knows what my peers believed...did they have the same conversations with their parents?

When talking about it being two adults I would include ages and I would include an explanation of how babies are made, not just sex = babies. The books with help you, questions will come up, you can calmly answer to the best of your ability. If you are unsure what to say you can explain you need to think about how to talk about that and lets talk again tomorrow. Then you can regroup and approach the subject again.

[KMK_Mama]

Originally Posted by pbjmama

We have always said we were going to be in trouble with her when she is a teen and now that she has this information so young it has me a little scared. How do I get them to understand that sex is something that is inappropriate at their age? I have told them that is for adults, for 2 people who love each other and that's how babies are made

I would respectfully suggest that you don't say that your daughter is going to be trouble when she can hear you or to other adults who might repeat that thought or theme. To say it to your partner in private is different. She is not too young to have information. Her friends have it and have been talking about it at school. You are empowering her with the correct information when you talk to her.

No! never!

[CheriK]

Information - correct, accurate, and, yes, detailed information - will keep your daughter safe, not make her behave sexually. All the research that I've ever read in this area says that when parents communicate early and openly with their children re. sex and sexuality, the children are LESS likely to make unsafe sexual decisions. It's the children who don't get accurate information who will learn from their peers and who will experiment dangerously.

IMO, your children are in need of a talk about private and public parts of their bodies. Masturbation is normal in both boys and girls; even babies masturbate. At this age, it's not about sex, it's about exploring their bodies and feeling good. I know different families have different comfort levels with masturbation, but teaching your children that their bodies are meant to give them pleasure, and teaching them that it's respectful to themselves and to other people to keep certain behaviors and body parts private, is actually more likely to help them respect their bodies and make safe decisions as they get older.

Your children might share what you tell them with their friends at school. Clearly, some friend is sharing what they've learned. But from your children's knowledge level, it's likely their friend learned something from a friend or older sibling, not a parent. Wouldn't you rather the playground talk be accurate? If your chlidren have good, accurate information, they'll be the ones impowered to say, "That's silly" to the stories invented by their uneducated peers.

I really think the most important thing you can share with your children at this point is that you are always available to answer their questions about sexuality, and that you'll always answer honestly to the best of your ability. If they trust that they'll be heard and listened to, then they are more likely to come to you when the playground talk gets more extreme, or when their peers begin engaging in unsafe behaviors. Communication is the best way to keep your daughter safe.