anyone on really good terms with ex (at first)?

[red and lulu]

me and p finally decided that we are "shelving our relationship indefinitely." b/c breaking up was a mutual decision — one came upon relatively peacefully, with few tears and no anger — we decided to try to continue living together, at least until our lease is up (if we can make it that long). given our hectic work schedules — and precarious finances — it would be far more stressful for us both (and dd) if he moved out now. i feel ok about the arrangement — it seems like the best option given our circumstances — but it's a little weird. and i'm sure it'll get weirder when one of us (probably him) starts dating/sleeping with other people. but i'm optimistic that we can make this platonic co-habitation thing work, b/c we think it's best for dd right now, and are already getting along so much better now that we've admitted we can't be together.

i don't know anyone who has ever done this before. is it really possible or am i being naive?

if there is anyone out there who has done this before, even for a short period of time, any words of advice?

tia

[tnmom66]

Originally Posted by red + lulu

me and p finally decided that we are "shelving our relationship indefinitely." b/c breaking up was a mutual decision — one came upon relatively peacefully, with few tears and no anger — we decided to try to continue living together, at least until our lease is up (if we can make it that long). given our hectic work schedules — and precarious finances — it would be far more stressful for us both (and dd) if he moved out now. i feel ok about the arrangement — it seems like the best option given our circumstances — but it's a little weird. and i'm sure it'll get weirder when one of us (probably him) starts dating/sleeping with other people. but i'm optimistic that we can make this platonic co-habitation thing work, b/c we think it's best for dd right now, and are already getting along so much better now that we've admitted we can't be together.

i don't know anyone who has ever done this before. is it really possible or am i being naive?

if there is anyone out there who has done this before, even for a short period of time, any words of advice?

tia

I think it is worth a try. I was on good terms with ex till he got remarried. We didn't live together, but hung out as a family a lot. Rarely had sex. took him 6 or 7 years to get involved with someone else.

[haydn'smommy]

I think it could work. I was initially shocked, angry and hurt when STBX told me that he wanted out. I was so hurt that I couldn't see how I could ever be friends or have any sort of relationship with him. And, I was horrified that he planned to keep living here. Time passed and now he's getting ready to move out, and I'm sad because it has worked well. But, at the same time, for me to be healthy emotionally it is time for him to go. I think we will manage to maintain a friendship for the sake of the kids.

[Hollycrand]

My stbxh are on good terms, depending on the week. We communicate often via email, and always about the kids.
We have tried to at least be communicative for their sake, and with the exception of quite a few snags and tantrum episodes from stbxh, we are on 'decent' terms. He is a great father, and we have a lot of the same parenting values for the girls (school comes first, no matter what, we need to help the kids with homework, help stimulate learning and curiosity, etc.) so we agree on quite a lot of things.

[VocalMinority]

It's a practical solution (and one that's fairly prevalent, in today's economy!)...but it's not ideal.

My ex and I have been broken up for 13 years, now and we get along as well or better than any exes (with kids) that I've ever heard of. (Not only we, but our spouses are friends. We do things together - with, and sometimes even without, the kids.) Our breakup was also mutual. But I could not have tolerated living in the same house with him after we broke up, even temporarily. Then again, I was in my early 20's when we broke up, so maybe that would've felt more tolerable if I'd been older/more mature.

My husband and his first wife get along pretty well, too. They did share a place for a while, after breaking up. But he wasn't there all the time. He traveled for work, most of the week. They figured it would be better if the kids weren't split between two houses and if he could contribute more toward their/their mom's household expenses, rather than paying for a separate place he'd mostly use on weekends. And he kept kind of a separate apartment, over the garage. So he and his ex were by no means rubbing elbows all the time. By all accounts, it worked out pretty well...until he started dating! And he was conscientious. He didn't bring women back to the house, garage apartment notwithstanding. Even so, just knowing he was seeing other people frustrated his ex to the point that she finally got pretty upset and told him he had to move out. I can't blame her!

He also had a period of sharing a place with his 2nd wife, after they broke up. That was out of pure financial necessity and, even though they also divided the house into apartments, on separate floors, it was a disaster! If you and your ex are civil, then surely your situation would never get this bad. There was zero trust and a lot of intentional sabotage, on her part, of his relationship with their kid, employers, neighbors, friends... Whatever he didn't hide (wallet, keys to the filing cabinet at his office with essential papers and contracts, for his business) went missing/got broken into. So, if you do live with your ex for a while, and get frustrated, think about my husband's situation with his 2nd ex and remind yourself things could be worse!

I also wonder if such arrangements aren't harder on the kids, in terms of wondering whether their parents might get back together and recycling that disappointment, instead of dealing with it once and then adjusting to the new reality, where the parents' lives are clearly separate. Of course, if the alternative is that the cost of keeping two separate places will leave the parents struggling to provide basic necessities, then civility and some confusion over the relationship is surely the better option!

Good luck. Be strong.

[mommy_to_2angels]

I let my ex stay in the house for 2 months after we split. It was difficult and he was constantly trying to...ummm...get in my pants I guess you could say. And then once he moved out, I was still trying to help with the kids and stuff. I was trying to be nice. Guess what, he decided that I was his own personal sex thing. He started grabbing and pinching and whatnot like we were still together. I cut off 95% of contact after that. I suppose it depends on the people involved. My ex is a self-centered narcissist with a very poor understanding of boundaries, soooo it was doomed to failure. Either way, I wish you the best of luck!

[mexicali mami]

I am still on pretty good terms with STBX. We live together and sleep in separate beds. I'm looking for a place to live and trying to save money to pay for it. I think it's fine but it does add to the confusion. I'm the one who decided to leave so it's hard on him, I imagine, and he's probably only being nice as an attempt to get me to stay. The last time I left he was really understanding until he realized I was dating someone else. Then things got ugly. So I've made a promise not to get involved with anyone, for a long long time. It can be harder too, I think, to really get closure. I mean, we often forget that I'm leaving and there's still a lot of love between us. Then I start to question if I'm doing the right thing, maybe we can make it work this time...etc. I like the analogy of ripping of a band aid..breaking up and still living together, is like pulling it off inch by inch slowly and painfully...where as getting your own space can be painful, but the hardest part is over with.

[Ceinwen]

Originally Posted by mommy_to_2angels

I let my ex stay in the house for 2 months after we split. It was difficult and he was constantly trying to...ummm...get in my pants I guess you could say. And then once he moved out, I was still trying to help with the kids and stuff. I was trying to be nice. Guess what, he decided that I was his own personal sex thing. He started grabbing and pinching and whatnot like we were still together. I cut off 95% of contact after that. I suppose it depends on the people involved. My ex is a self-centered narcissist with a very poor understanding of boundaries, soooo it was doomed to failure. Either way, I wish you the best of luck!

This was my situation exactly. We tried to be friends/friendly up until I was dating, then things got ugly. I'm happy and settled, he's unhappy and bitter.

Things are not super great between us.

[red and lulu]

thanks for the replies...

it's only been a week, but i'm thinking this is doomed to fail.
he's always liked to play a bit of the victim with me... even though my leaving in the past has been in direct relation to his poor choices (for example, cheating). i thought we'd be able to avoid that dynamic this time around since it was a mutual decision. but he's feeling really down and not handling it well. he's drinking more than usual (which bothers me a lot)... the other night he stayed out at the bar until 4am and then drove home (all four blocks ). he openly admitted he got hammered, his excuse being that he was feeling bad about us. which i don't doubt, and which he's certainly entitled to. but there's a large part of me that just feels further frustrated and resentful of his childish behavior. it's like, c'mon guy, really? it's a crappy situation, not what either of us would have wished for but... it's like, i go to yoga, he does shots and drives drunk...

if we continue to live together, not being together, i see now we still run the risk of imploding. but i can't afford to have him move out yet. and honestly, i'm so scared of being away from my daughter. i don't feel ready for that yet. i don't think i'll ever feel ready for that.

hopefully he's just going through a phase and things will even out again. we just have to make it to may. positive thoughts, positive thoughts, positive thoughts....