Do I take dd for ice cream tomorrow? or next Tuesday?

[LynnS6]

About once every 2 months, we go to Baskin Robbins on Tuesday evenings because they have $1 cones, and dd really likes their bubblegum ice cream.

We'd agreed to go last week, and then dd (age 6) came down with a 103.5 degree fever and wasn't going anywhere. She didn't start to get on the mend until Sunday, so we said we'd go today. I had a meeting tonight and so dh was in charge.

The deal was: After dinner, she had to do her homework and then they'd go to get ice cream. She refused to do her homework, she whined and griped, etc. Dh gave her several warnings and explained that if she waited much longer, they would not have time to go get ice cream.

She didn't get it done in time and so they didn't go (though interestingly, she did get it done relatively peacefully after they canceled the trip). She's got about 10 minutes of homework a night. It's not too hard. (I'm willing to let her not do it, but then she'd miss recess. She doesn't want that consequence, and so if she's going to do homework, she needs to do it so she can get to bed at a reasonable hour.)

Dd is understandably upset by this. She wants to go for ice cream tomorrow night. I'm torn between going tomorrow night (because she did miss the originally planned trip through no fault of her own) or making her wait until next Tuesday, when it's cheaper (because it was her own fault for not getting her 10 minutes of homework done). We can afford a full price cone once in a while, but I don't really want to pay for it.

[Minxie]

I would wait until Tuesday as it seems a natual consequence of her own behaviour. Your trips are on Tuesdays, therefore the next trip should be on a Tuesday. It helps the consequence stick.

[hopefulfaith]

I would wait until next Tuesday as well, for the same reason.

We had the same dilemna this week - my son lost the privilege of going swimming, and I've been reconsidering when to go... It doesn't seem like as much of a natural consequence if I simply reschedule to today, when that would totally disrupt our plans this afternoon. I'm sort of bummed about that. I kind of wanted to go.

[mom2grrls]

What about telling her that we could go this evening but the price difference would have to be made up somehow by her?

[texmati]

I would wait till next tuesday. It's one of the many bumps in life.

[reezley]

I'd say Tuesday. You go for ice cream on Tuesdays because that's the special night they have the deal. So, keep it simple, just go Tuesdays.

[philomom]

Wait till next Tuesday.

[LynnS6]

Sigh. I know the answer is to wait until next Tuesday. I just don't want to deal with the tantrum that is sure to ensue. .

[Minxie]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

Sigh. I know the answer is to wait until next Tuesday. I just don't want to deal with the tantrum that is sure to ensue. .

When my DS (4.5 yrs old) is upset because he misses out on a privilege due to his own actions, I ask him questions even in the middle of a tantrum. He has to stop to think of the answer and answer me.

"I want to have ice cream!!!!"

"I know you do. Unfortunately we missed our ice cream trip yesterday because you didn't finish your homework. Was I in control of your body or were you?"

"I was..."

"Who made the choice not to do their homework?"

"I did..."

"If your homework isn't finished, can we get ice cream?"

"No... "

"What can you do so we can have ice cream next time?"

"I know; I can do my homework!"

[nextcommercial]

I wish I had a Baskin RObbins near me!

I'd wait til next Tuesday too. It's only on sale on Tuesdays.

In the future, I wouldn't put a deadline on her homework, it made it too hard to concentrate. I think I'd go for icecream, then do the homework after that. I can't work on a deadline either.

[LynnS6]

Well, I waited out the tantrum. Well, both tantrums. She fell asleep during the first one -- she is really still recovering from being sick last week and has fallen asleep every day after school. But she wasn't 'done' and so had to finish it when she woke up. Sigh.

I'm just hoping it's not a daily tantrum between now and next Tuesday.

Originally Posted by nextcommercial

In the future, I wouldn't put a deadline on her homework, it made it too hard to concentrate. I think I'd go for icecream, then do the homework after that. I can't work on a deadline either.

Interesting thought... I'm not sure how that would have worked, in practice though. Part of it is that we haven't been able to establish a good homework routine with her. She needs to relax a bit when coming home, but then doesn't want to do it after dinner because she's too tired....(and now way is it happening in the morning for my night owl!)

[QUOTE=Minxie;15942900] When my DS (4.5 yrs old) is upset because he misses out on a privilege due to his own actions, I ask him questions even in the middle of a tantrum. He has to stop to think of the answer and answer me. [/QUOTE ]

Alas, it doesn't work with my kids. It just ramps them up more. Dd knows why and what she can do differently. She just feels the need to rage at the injustice of the world!

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

Well, I waited out the tantrum. Well, both tantrums. She fell asleep during the first one -- she is really still recovering from being sick last week and has fallen asleep every day after school. But she wasn't 'done' and so had to finish it when she woke up. Sigh.

I'm just hoping it's not a daily tantrum between now and next Tuesday.

Interesting thought... I'm not sure how that would have worked, in practice though. Part of it is that we haven't been able to establish a good homework routine with her. She needs to relax a bit when coming home, but then doesn't want to do it after dinner because she's too tired....(and now way is it happening in the morning for my night owl!)

As far as the daily tantrum thing, if that happened, there wouldn't be any ice cream for a LONG time. Really - thats not ok.

Can she do her homework before dinner? Relax for a few minutes, then do homework while you or dh finishes dinner (maybe she can sit near you in the kitchen or dining room?), and then ice cream after dinner. That way, you don't have to put a deadline on the homework, and it gets done earlier.

[Anastasiya]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

Sigh. I know the answer is to wait until next Tuesday. I just don't want to deal with the tantrum that is sure to ensue. .

Tuesday. Nothing wrong with a tantrum every now and then....kids can't always have everything they want in life.

And yeah, a DAILY tantrum for us would mean no ice cream for a month.

[Dar]

I was going to say next Tuesday, because I'm cheap... but really, if it's this important to her and she's not feeling well, I'd take her tonight and pay full price. Whatevs. It sounds like she really isn't emotionally or physically in a space where she can handle disappointment right now, and I'm fine with sending the message that in unusual circumstances we sometimes have to do things differently. Saving a couple bucks isn't worth that sort of misery...

In my experience, the long-term consequences of doing stuff like this occasionally hasn't been that my kid expects it more often and takes advantage of it, but instead she knows that if she really needs me to, I will bend for her... and so she feels like she can trust me to be there when she feels really bad, and she also mans up more when she doesn't feel *that* bad.

And six, for her, was a miserable age. Lots of raging and tantrums and just feeling out of sorts and out of control. Seven was better.

[2xy]

I'm cheap, too. I'd skip Baskin Robbins and buy a half-gallon of Breyers' Bubble Gum ice cream from the supermarket, and have it at home.

For the most part, though, I agree with Dar. Being a hard-a$$ about stuff teaches kids one thing, and treating them like real people teaches them another. I'd bend the rules for my DH because he's awesome and deserves to be pampered every so often....my kids deserve the same sort of respect, IMO.

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by Dar

I was going to say next Tuesday, because I'm cheap... but really, if it's this important to her and she's not feeling well, I'd take her tonight and pay full price. Whatevs. It sounds like she really isn't emotionally or physically in a space where she can handle disappointment right now, and I'm fine with sending the message that in unusual circumstances we sometimes have to do things differently. Saving a couple bucks isn't worth that sort of misery...

Yes, that sums up eloquently what I was thinking in the back of my mind but couldn't articulate. It's not completely that she screwed up and missed her chance. She was sick during the original chance. And she is still recovering.

Ironically, I had nearly decided that we could go tonight, but then we couldn't because her brother was sick! Tomorrow and Saturday are out because we've got stuff planned. By that time it may just be easier to wait until Tuesday.

Originally Posted by 2xy

For the most part, though, I agree with Dar. Being a hard-a$$ about stuff teaches kids one thing, and treating them like real people teaches them another. I'd bend the rules for my DH because he's awesome and deserves to be pampered every so often....my kids deserve the same sort of respect, IMO.

Good point.

The hard part is figuring out when it's OK to bend. Dd is the kind of kid who will whine more if whining gets her her way once. ("But mom, I have to scream, it's how I get my way!" is a direct quote.) I don't want to be inflexible, but the whining is really wearing on the family.

That's really the problem that I need to work on. I think I'm going to break down and do a reward chart with her. I don't really like reward charts, but we need to get some new patterns established. There are three things that she needs to learn to do without major whining: homework, chores (15 minutes) and piano practice. She's fine once she gets going, but she spends far more energy whining about having to do these things than actually doing them.

[straighthaircurly]

[QUOTE=LynnS6;15944788]Well, I waited out the tantrum. Well, both tantrums. She fell asleep during the first one -- she is really still recovering from being sick last week and has fallen asleep every day after school. But she wasn't 'done' and so had to finish it when she woke up. Sigh.

I'm just hoping it's not a daily tantrum between now and next Tuesday.



Interesting thought... I'm not sure how that would have worked, in practice though. Part of it is that we haven't been able to establish a good homework routine with her. She needs to relax a bit when coming home, but then doesn't want to do it after dinner because she's too tired....(and now way is it happening in the morning for my night owl!)

Originally Posted by Minxie

When my DS (4.5 yrs old) is upset because he misses out on a privilege due to his own actions, I ask him questions even in the middle of a tantrum. He has to stop to think of the answer and answer me. [/QUOTE ]

Alas, it doesn't work with my kids. It just ramps them up more. Dd knows why and what she can do differently. She just feels the need to rage at the injustice of the world!

Sounds a lot like my DS. Tons of drama. Refuses to admit he had a role in something going amiss. Tonight, tears galore because he said daddy lost his Cub Scout scarf slide because daddy was tickling him. And then (sob, sob), "Daddy blamed me that it was losst." The real story was DS had been racing around outside in the dark. He had taken off his scarf and slide and thrown them on a bush...sigh. We won't be able to discuss it rationally until tomorrow when he is well rested. He also has similar issues with the homework routine. He comes home and has a snack and a little break. But the rule is homework MUST be completed before dinner at 6pm. It never works to do it after dinner or the morning as he is just too tired. I have had to be ruthless and uncompromising on this rule. Now it is easier but the first few weeks involved major delay tactics and excuses from DS.

[meemee]

lynn sorry i have nothing to add. while our children are extremely intense they are different. when dd started lying at 3 i discovered its coz she wasnt allowed to express her deepest desires. she wanted 2 popsicles after lunch instead of one.

and it has worked out exactly as Dar said. in the long run. and its helped me to understand when its reaaaaaaaaaaly something she wants or if its just a moment thing. and i so agree. that age specially is sooo hard. actually me 'giving in' has connected us more deeply and actually taken our relationship to a more authentic place.

it so amazed me. at 3 my dd was ok from a no from me, instead of the previous tantrum throwing behaviour. i guess because she knew when she really wanted it i would not say no.

Originally Posted by Dar

I was going to say next Tuesday, because I'm cheap... but really, if it's this important to her and she's not feeling well, I'd take her tonight and pay full price. Whatevs. It sounds like she really isn't emotionally or physically in a space where she can handle disappointment right now, and I'm fine with sending the message that in unusual circumstances we sometimes have to do things differently. Saving a couple bucks isn't worth that sort of misery...

In my experience, the long-term consequences of doing stuff like this occasionally hasn't been that my kid expects it more often and takes advantage of it, but instead she knows that if she really needs me to, I will bend for her... and so she feels like she can trust me to be there when she feels really bad, and she also mans up more when she doesn't feel *that* bad.

oh dar so well said! so WELL SAID! dont know why but its deeply moved me and made me cry. you are so so so so so right. i tell you when i sat and realised i wasnt giving my dd the freedom to truly express her opinions and so i did, our relationship changed for the better. i am not sure how to put the connection. 'mature' is the word that comes to my mind. not sure if that is it. perhaps more honest, authentic and kinda a deeper knowing her.

in fact it amazed me how our communication changed.

Originally Posted by 2xy

I'd bend the rules for my DH because he's awesome and deserves to be pampered every so often....my kids deserve the same sort of respect, IMO.

absolutely 2xy. but its sooo hard sometimes. society has sooo conditioned me that if i give an inch i spoil the child forever. somedays its really hard to to get out of all teh social conditioning and just make a decision based on what my dd wants and what "I" myself wants.

[philomom]

Sorry meemee, I have to disagree with you. Giving in to a tantruming child only sets you up for more tantrums. There was a clear consequence here and I'm thrilled that Lynn stuck to her "house rules".

[meemee]

oh i dont know what the right thing to do is philomom. all our situations are different.

however a 'tantruming' child is NOT equal all the time. just because they are tantruming doesnt mean the source of tantrums are the same all the time. i see it more as a voicing of opinion.

and a tantrum at 3 is much different than a tantrum at 6. there are tantrums where i have not given in. and there are tantrums where i have. just coz they are tantruming doesnt mean you always react the same way.

and esp. a recovering from illness tantruming child. i would totally give in. however its not a give in.

that is the difference dar is trying to make. sometimes a tantrum is a screaming at the world because their deepest desires cannot be met. and when as a mom you can deeply connect with your child's deepest desires then really the tantrums go away. just telling my dd you know we cant do this all the time. even though you might throw a fit. and she agreed.

so today in a sense a tantrum tells me from my dd that she REALLY wants it and is on emotional overload.

and at 6. when you go through the angst phase. omg its a nightmare. i did everything to make dd's life a little easier.

6 was also the age i had to rethink my parenting style. i had to sit and really change my thinking and give dd much more indepence and allow her the freedom to make decisions and choices. i know that's what the angst phase did.

lynn i know your dd is going thru the angst phase. i know she is the screamer and trying to get her own way. i really think after she comes out of it she will slowly transition out of that. she might always want her own way - which i have seen adults do, so it might be a personality trait. so she might not scream and tantrum. but i am sure she would definitely want to be heard.

sooo some tantrums you give in, sometimes you dont. you have to decide as a mom which to give in to. but a blanket statement that just because she was tantruming you treat them the same is soo not true.

the only rules to be unbroken in our house are safety rules. anything else is up for grabs. i break it, my dd breaks it. and then we come up with new rules.

that is why there is a tub of mint icecream in hte fridge right now