I avoid children's books with Daddies!?

[pranava]

I just noticed a pattern I have - If a children's book has a daddy, I won't buy it/check it out from the library to read to DS. DS is 18 months and ours is a two Mom family. So far he has just one book where the family is two moms and one child, but most books for kids this age are about Mama, animals, trucks, colors, etc., so I hadn't noticed my tendency to avoid the Daddy concept till now.

I ordered the book "My Big Boy Potty" and was reading it to DS for the first time last night. It says things like Mommy or Daddy can take you to the potty, and Daddy will do this or teach you that.

Bottom line is - DS is growing up sooo freakin' fast!!!! And I am not yet prepared to answer the Daddy question. I feel like I should have something prepared up my sleeve (like something gleaned from the wisdom of my queer MDC friends ) instead of winging it on the fly. I should start reading books with all different kinds of families represented and just answer questions as they come, but what are the answers?

More helpful info: DS was conceived with a known donor who lives in the same city. DS knows him but is only 18 month so of course doesn't know he is the donor. He will be donor/family friend/uncle type but not Daddy. It is not public knowledge to relatives or mutual friends that this man was the donor for DS although many of our mutual friends have figured it out. I do not intend to hide anything from DS and thought that things would just evolve naturally.

[Lisa1970]

I like the idea of books on all types on families. That way, one type of family is not seem as the norm over another, but rather, all types are normal, just different. In kindergarten, he will especially face this. If he goes to preschool, he might face it there too so might as well start soon. Just be very matter-of-fact about it. Just as if you were saying some people have brown eyes, some have blue, some have green. Just, this is just a fact, how it is, no big deal, move on kind of thing.

[Pearl1]

Edited by Pearl1 - 2/7/11 at 4:00pm

[LoveOhm]

I am a solo mama and while I am not not queer I hope my experience can be of some value. I have sole legal and physical custody with no visitation with dd's dad so she will only know mama.... initially I also only purchased or checked out books without a dad in the story however my mind has since be changed. At 3.5 years old my daughter is now in preschool and very clearly can see that some kids in her class have daddies.... she was confused thinking then that her grandpa was her dad which kinda cut me? I wondered did I confuse her, shelter her, etc. She is now asking about the daddy concept and I too didn't realize how unready I was for the question. I did not really expect it until elementary school....

That said, we are an ethnic minority and when I purchase dolls I consciously purchase them in all different ethic backgrounds. So I have decided to do the same with books and the daddy concept. Since I live in Southern California my daughter will see two mommies, two daddies, single parents, etc. so I hope to let her know all families are made up of LOVE and that the size or gender don't matter. I really like Todd Parr books especially It's Okay To Be Different and The Family Book and The Mommy Book.

There is a thread in single parents that has some books with single parents (which happen to mostly be women) so I will see if I can dig that thread up later for you.

One more thing children really don't pay much attention to the adults in picture books at that age they are much more focus on the main character. We are adults are the ones who are sensitive. Seeing this in my daughter helped me to be more open in exposing her to book with a traditional mommy / daddy as the only parental figure in the story.

[gamitzer]

I try to get books about two moms, but more often than not, I change the dad character into Papa or Grandpa (my sons's grandparent names). Sometimes I read it as Daddy, but mostly I change it. I thought I was doing it to help him relate, but I do think it makes it easier on me to not deal with the Dad questions. I find that when I have more time to read and answer questions, I read the books verbatim. But when it's night time and it's a rush to get to sleep, it's easier to change the name to Papa/Grandpa to avoid all the questions that might come.
My son asks if he has a dad about 1-2 times a month. So far he gets that he doesn't have a dad. I don't think certain stories are having much of an effect on him. Of course, I would love for him to be a dad someday, so I do my best to stay really positive about dads in general.

[FtMPapa]

I think there's a tendency among queer families to kind of confuse the kid understanding of "who is my daddy" with the adult understanding of "who is my father."

When kids ask who their daddy is or why they don't have a daddy, we hear them asking about their donor or about how they were created, but really, the kid might be asking because he wants to know who is going to take him to see the firetruck or whatever the "daddy" in the story is doing.

I don't think it's possible to have a scripted answer ready to go, unless it's a question. Asking the kid why they're asking, not to be cagey, but to get a fuller understanding of what the kid is asking, strikes me as the way to go.

And you know, that's a long way off for me, or so it seems right now, but I have made a conscious effort to specifically seek out books with only a dad shown.

[2moms3kids]

My oldest is 5 and started asking Daddy questions at about 4. We told her she doesn't have a dad, she has 2 moms and she is ok with that. She has a friend whose father died when she was 5 so she only has a mom, so that helps. When we told her we were having a 3rd child, she told us that we needed to go get a dad. I asked Why and she said because we already have 2 kids and 2 moms so if we are having another kid, we need a dad. I asked if we could just have another mom and she was cool with that. Apparently the more children you have the more parents you need
We buy all sorts of books, some with 2 moms, some with moms and dads etc. I have never thought about not buying books with dads in them because we live in the US where that is the norm and she was going to figure it out sooner than later, so why bother? She really hasn't struggled with it at all. Now, we are waiting until she is older to explain the whole "Donor" thing, but I have no problem telling her about it, I just don't know how much she would "biologically" understand it at this age.
Sarah

[lyn_ftst]

Originally Posted by FtMPapa

And you know, that's a long way off for me, or so it seems right now, but I have made a conscious effort to specifically seek out books with only a dad shown.

You might take a look at the "George and Bartholomew" books if you haven't found them already. They have an adult male "bear" (George) and a toddler "bear" (Bartholomew) doing the usual care taking things (going potty, bath, etc), with nary a mother in sight.

We like these because the relationship is not actually specified in the text, could be a babysitter, uncle, grandpa, dad, whatever, but could certainly be a Papa in your case.

[Diane B]

i think it's wonderful to expose our children to literature that describes a wide variety of families, ethnicities, etc., and I do. But thinking about my daughter now, at age 6, I would say that her worldview is shaped about 95% by what's happening in her real actual life (knowing lots of different kinds of families, going to a school that's primarily Latino in staff and students, seeing her moms function in a variety of roles,etc.) - and maybe 5% by books and her rather limited exposure to videos, movies and TV. So I don't get all bent out of shape when we're reading some of the classics of children's literature and they're not so great on the diversity front. Sometimes, in fact, we have a really great conversation about it.

The converse is that good literature is not a substitute for actual experience; a straight family buying their child the book "Heather Has 2 Mommies" is great, especially if it opens up conversation, but not nearly as great as their child actually knowing families with two moms.

[Marsupialmom]

Have you ever watch something that touched your soul? This lady's words Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie touch me. Her words indirectly challenged me to valuate the stories and points of views that my children saw, read, and heard. I can understand you wanting to shield and protect yourself of "Where is dad?" but limiting your child's reading skews the view of kids that have 2 dads, step parents, grandparents raising them. I personally would expose my children to a more variety of books that create broad definitions of family and parenting -- not just supporting mine. I do think I did well when my children were younger, but at the same time I think I could have done better (then again there are more books with different parenting situation that there was 10-16 years ago)

Please take time to watch Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie's speech.

http://edition.cnn.com/2009/OPINION/...rpt/index.html

[pranava]

Originally Posted by FtMPapa

I think there's a tendency among queer families to kind of confuse the kid understanding of "who is my daddy" with the adult understanding of "who is my father."

When kids ask who their daddy is or why they don't have a daddy, we hear them asking about their donor or about how they were created, but really, the kid might be asking because he wants to know who is going to take him to see the firetruck or whatever the "daddy" in the story is doing.

Thanks everybody for your responses! FtMPapa - I think you've hit at the core of my dillema. I wasn't intentially shielding my child from different family structures, but I just wasn't sure how to explain "Daddy" to a Daddyless 18 month old. But now I realize that it's because I equate his asking about Daddy to him asking about Donor, but you are right, that is not his understanding of the issue at all. I wonder when the donor question will come? 6? 7? Later when he understands the rudiments of babymaking?

[pranava]

Originally Posted by 2moms3kids

Apparently the more children you have the more parents you need
Sarah

That's awesome!! And I do think it would be easier