Sigh, such a complicated situation :( all advice and hugs welcome

[Butterflykate]

First of all, I am a long time reader of the boards, one of those lurkers who never posts! So sorry for never posting till now, just usually when I came to post about a problem someone had already made a post for it and I could get some thoughts on it!

This one though, is probably the most complicated situation I will ever encounter as a parent, and I am just not sure what to do.

The 21 year old decided he wishes to be a girl, (complicated in itself)

He sat down, we talked, he explained (or she) and I understood, and will support him, its what a good parent should do. He always liked playing with girls growing up, always liked being a girl at dress up etc etc, hes also go aspergers, so has always been "odd" in the sense of social understanding. So I can't say I didn't see it coming as he grew,

Thats just the first thing to deal with, the second is, how do I deal with this and the rest of the family!

How do you explain to a 2 year old that He is now a She and that your bother is now your sister? How, what do I do. I don't want to tell the 21 year old that he can't visit as "himself or herself" anymore, and with his aspergers he may get the wrong message and vanish for good!

How I explain to others in the family?

How I explain to his father!!

I'm in such a rough spot but its Mr 2 I'm worried about most,

this is one tricky situation. I pray none of you other parents ever have to deal with it.

God bless

Kate

[sapphire_chan]

Mr 2 is the one who'll be able to handle it the most. At that age they don't have the best grasp of gender anyhow.

There are GLBT groups filled with btdt folks. That's where I'd start.

[rightkindofme]

Yeah, the 2 year old won't have much of an issue. The best way to handle it is to say, "I love you no matter what. What name do you want me to use? Will you please help me as I try to relearn pronouns for you. I may need a little patience but I will try my hardest." If people outside of your immediate family give her flack tell them to knock it off. She is going to have a hard enough road in the world without her family being unsupportive.

Good luck. There are lots of wonderful support organizations out there. Being trans in no way means you will automatically have a bad life. My childrens' god mother is trans. She's one of the most amazing, strong, fantastic people I have ever had the good fortune to know.

Oh, and as for her father: tell the father, "Well it isn't what we expected but that's how life goes." And then he needs to support his kid. Cause that is what parents do.

[pranava]

Originally Posted by Butterflykate

this is one tricky situation. I pray none of you other parents ever have to deal with it.

I commend you on your immediate support of your child in this situation. Not every parent is able to do this - your child is blessed to have you in her corner. As a member of the GLBT community myself, the statement above quoted from your post has triggered something in me that makes me feel deeply sad. I think it's brought up the deeply buried guilt and shame over what I put my parents through by coming out - emotions I logically know I should not have to have, but do nonetheless. You have every right to feel the way you do. You have been blindsided and thrown into entirely new parenting territory, but Please don't let your child feel from you that you wish you didn't have to deal with this or you wish no other parent ever has to deal with this.

My advice is - Step Up Mama Bear!!! Now more than ever your daughter needs you to stand tall, proud, and unwavering by her side. No shame, no fear. How to explain? Keep it simple. Say "My child has come to me and told me this. I love my child and support my child's decision and feelings. I do not fully understand this yet myself, but I will learn along my child's side and together in time we will all figure things out." Do not expect too much too soon. You and your child may be met with rejection, but time really does make things better. Be there for your child and give your family time and space if they need it.

Also, post this in the queer parenting forum. You will get lots of seasoned advice there.

As for your 2 year old, he will adjust as well as you do. Keep it light and natural like "We're going to call (21 year old child's name) this name now." If you get questions, give simple answers.

Best wishes to you Mama Bear Parenting is full of challenges. . . this is just one more.

[Areia]

I agree with the others - the most important thing is to support your child as best you can and always be there for her.

As for the two year, I would just say that "X has a chosen a new name. Her name now is XX." Even though the 2 year old will probably comment on the changes in her appearance, he will still recognize her as "sibling, babysitter, person who colors with me, etc." I don't think their relationship will really change all that much.

I'm so, so glad that you are supportive and will be there for her. It's heart breaking when parents shun their children for not living up to their expectations.

[2goingon2]

Originally Posted by pranava

My advice is - Step Up Mama Bear!!! Now more than ever your daughter needs you to stand tall, proud, and unwavering by her side. No shame, no fear. How to explain? Keep it simple. Say "My child has come to me and told me this. I love my child and support my child's decision and feelings. I do not fully understand this yet myself, but I will learn along my child's side and together in time we will all figure things out." Do not expect too much too soon. You and your child may be met with rejection, but time really does make things better. Be there for your child and give your family time and space if they need it.

Also, post this in the queer parenting forum. You will get lots of seasoned advice there.

As for your 2 year old, he will adjust as well as you do. Keep it light and natural like "We're going to call (21 year old child's name) this name now." If you get questions, give simple answers.

Best wishes to you Mama Bear Parenting is full of challenges. . . this is just one more.

Pranava's post is filled with so much truth and support and understanding. I really can't add anything else.

Love and peace to you and your children on your journey together.

[Butterflykate]

Well, the GLBT community has actually been hard to communicate with, mostly because for many there the change of gender or the feeling of being different for many is a very sexual thing, where as Miss 21 (still getting use to this!) has decided she is a she not by sexual identity, (which is why this is taken so long and we have been to psychs in the past about sexuality as he has no interest at all in sex or any sexual desire at all, we think related to his autism) she has decided to be a girl because she likes girls things, thats pretty much it in a nutshell, I went along to one of the groups but just couldn't really relate to anything at all, Miss 21 has the social understanding of a 6 year old, so relationships don't stick, she is high special needs and in independent living program for people with special needs, I think thats why this is quiet complicated, its more dealing with a small child with a gender crisis.

Miss 7 seems ok with it... shes a bit confused but seemed fine with it, we went out and bought Miss 21 a present and a pink card with a bear on it saying Thank You, and we wrote inside a thank you for being you kind of message. She seems a lot more comfortable with it now. Mr 2 I was worried about confusing, but maybe he will be fine.

The older siblings have nothing to do with Miss 21 so thats not a problem, she cut them off a long time ago.

I am also being careful with the "labeling" or using words such as queer, and she is defiantly not gay or straight, so finding where she will fit in is a worry. She doesn't want to change her body at all, shes comfortable with that (We had a big chat about that!) she basically wants to be the same but live as a girl.

This is so complicated ! GARH! And Pra, its not her being her thats really a worry, its more my fear for her being hurt or her being abused, or Mr 2 and Miss 7 not understanding.

I have tried my best with Miss 21, and I think I did a good job, I worked with her for years to get her into independent living, its complicated I think because of the special needs mixed in with the gender issues, then mixed in again with siblings! I think I have been a good parent... I just... think I need a few hugs really, Everything just feels like a mess.

[Butterflykate]

Originally Posted by Areia

I agree with the others - the most important thing is to support your child as best you can and always be there for her.

As for the two year, I would just say that "X has a chosen a new name. Her name now is XX." Even though the 2 year old will probably comment on the changes in her appearance, he will still recognize her as "sibling, babysitter, person who colors with me, etc." I don't think their relationship will really change all that much.

I'm so, so glad that you are supportive and will be there for her. It's heart breaking when parents shun their children for not living up to their expectations.

This is what I was thinking of doing, I just don't want to confuse Mr 2, I know he will notice the changes he already asks questions about what people look like constantly, and points it out to me.

I will support Miss/Mr 21 if an alien, a baby, a monster, a cat... lol no matter what I love Miss/Mr 21 very much, my special child who I have worked for hte most, I know parents are not suppose to have favorites but I think the one I worry for most has always been her/him! So I have put that extra effort in connecting with him/her, and worked for years from 16 to 17 to get them ready for independent life and despite having disabilities and living with a very young mind most the time! can function on their own, even has a cat she/he looks after. I am very proud, and never would I shun them, I do worry how others will respond though.

I feel quiet upset that one of my best friends feels unsure about her daughter being around Miss/Mr 21 now. Sigh, why can't everyone just accept people for who they wish to be as long as no ones hurt, why do so many care

Again, I think just needed to vent, speak out to no where land and get a few hugs, I have read these boards for a few years, people here know more than they should

[gbailey]

Your DC is lucky to have such a supportive parent and I hope the rest of your family can be as supportive as you are.

[Butterflykate]

Originally Posted by gbailey

Your DC is lucky to have such a supportive parent and I hope the rest of your family can be as supportive as you are.

Thank you, I really wish I felt that way right now.

[gbailey]

Originally Posted by Butterflykate

Thank you, I really wish I felt that way right now.

I know people whose parents have cut them off because they weren't doing what other boys their age were doing. If more parents accepted their childrens differences with the kind of love you are displaying with your DC, I really believe the world would be a better place.

I'm sure the situation is not easy for you but you seem to be dealing with it the best way that you can and for that I applaud you!

[Butterflykate]

Originally Posted by gbailey

I know people whose parents have cut them off because they weren't doing what other boys their age were doing. If more parents accepted their childrens differences with the kind of love you are displaying with your DC, I really believe the world would be a better place.

I'm sure the situation is not easy for you but you seem to be dealing with it the best way that you can and for that I applaud you!

Thank you, I think I kind of saw it coming, it was a lot to take in but... it wasn't a shock, just scary for the unknown questions.

I really am trying, and thank you so much for the positive vibes!

[A&A]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan

Mr 2 is the one who'll be able to handle it the most. At that age they don't have the best grasp of gender anyhow.

There are GLBT groups filled with btdt folks. That's where I'd start.

pflag (Parents and Friends of Gays and Lesbians) is a good organization.

[rightkindofme]

It sounds like you are doing great. We can all do the best we can do. It will be a rather hard road. There are a lot of people who kind of... don't fit into any gender category very well. And I know several in that camp who are also Aspies. There is tribe out there for your daughter. I don't know where you are so I don't know how to recommend anyplace near you to start hunting for it.

I know people who have transitioned and undergone surgery. I know people who live 100% of the time as the opposite gender of their biological genitals. I know people who transition who are gay and people who are straight. It's ok to be anything you are. I'm glad you are being supportive even though it's complicated.

[Butterflykate]

I tried the local groups, given by the psych, just didn't fit in there at all, very much mostly about sexual transitions and body transitions, and didn't seem much about the emotional side of it which is really what I'm in, I think because its a tight-knit group and they have talked it all out before.

But yes, thank you for kind words I am trying my best!!

I just was sitting on the couch with my afternoon coffee and it all suddenly hit me, I have another daughter now, what does that even mean? What do I buy for Christmas, and the birthday (birthday is in December before Christmas also!)

I think I need to re-think my gifts.

All these things I never thought about! What do you even get an girl whose social understanding and entertainment span is that of 5 or 6 year old. Shes a smart cookie! Just... finds anything older than that to complicated, loves computers and technology.

Aspergers is such an odd thing, sigh.

Then I'm worried, did I push her to be a boy growing up and cause all this confusion to go on as long as it did. I really hope not


I need to avoid these quiet moments so it all doesn't hit me in one blow draining me.

[Butterflykate]

Just an update finally spoke to Mr 2, and explained that she has a new name, a little bit of confusion, thought he had a new name to start with, but all ended well! He seems to not be as confused and it wasn't as confusing as I thought it would be.

Miss 7 seems to be the one a little confused now, maybe she had to dwell on it a bit, and asked me a huge mountain of questions which we got through, I explained to her that being ourselves is a special thing, and more so if others around us accept who we are. I told her just as we would accept you if she won her tennis games or not, we accept Miss 21 in all she does and support her to. I also explained that her brother is now a sister and she asked if that meant if she should call him a her now,

So all seems fine now, she did make the comment boys smell anyway, we had a laugh together and it was a nice long chat about people! I forget how much a 7 year old observes the world!(nearly 8)

Now just my head to sort out, and boy theres a lot in there to sort. Maybe I'm the one who is really most confused.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan

Mr 2 is the one who'll be able to handle it the most. At that age they don't have the best grasp of gender anyhow.

There are GLBT groups filled with btdt folks. That's where I'd start.

I just read your last update, so...

try to find a therapist who specializes in GLBTQ issues. The special needs do seem to add a layer of concern. I can see how a trans group may not provide you with the kind of support you need because of your daughter's other issues. I really think you guys have such a multi-layered situation that a professional probably is warranted.

[pranava]

It sounds like things are going really well even if they are still confusing. You are an awesome parent ButterflyKate!!! It's great that you have already sought out professional help and tried to find a group setting to talk about this. I'm sorry you haven't found the right group for Miss21 yet. I can see where a mixed GLBT crowd would deal too much with sexuality. Most strictly Trans people I know have no issues with sexual identity - it is simply a gender issue for them. Maybe Miss 21 needs a more novice trans only group. Does the local high school or PFLAG have a youth transgender support group? Maybe middle school or high school students would be talking about more similar issues to those Miss 21 is facing.

[WifeMomChiro]

Hugs to you. I think you sound like an amazing parent.

[Girlprof]

Hugs to you. I'm not surprised that Mr. 2 is able to roll with all this fairly easily. My own little Miss 2 does not understand the question "Are you a boy or a girl" yet and I think that's pretty typical. You are doing an amazing parenting job here and I just wanted to note one cool thing. Think about how Mr. 2 and Miss 7 will grow up with more flexible and open notions of gender now. No one will have to worry about *their* reactions to their friends and family figuring out non-traditional gender identity.

I get your worries about how others will react to Miss 21. My best friend came out as a lesbian when we were about that age and I was scared for her. I can tell you (20 years later), she's SO much happier now. She's got a wonderful partner, whereas before, she was deeply lonely. I realize your situation is different, but a lot of the positives here are too far in the future to really understand right now.