Update to My H just told me about his affair...

[cnfusd]

Here is an update… things are really bad… He told me on Friday and here we are Wednesday… I went through a period of just complete numbness… I wasn’t crying, angry, sad… Just in a fog… Slowly I have been having periods of extreme sadness, disappointment, anger, you name it. I go from wanting to work things out to just giving up… He on the other hand has not given (at least I feel this way) me the time or space to wrap my head around what he told me. He expected that he would fess up his affair and I would immediately forgive/forget and start to “make things right” by giving him the affection that he was lacking. That was his reason for having the affair.
I just can’t do it. Not right now. I am angry and disgusted. The thought of his mouth and penis being on/in someone else just totally disgusts me. I can’t come to terms as to how he could do this. I accept responsibility for my part in the marriage…but how could he play me like this for six months! As I look back, all the signs were there… He admitted to taking her on three out of town trips, sleeping at her house on his birthday (which is another thing he is mad at me for – he said he was totally hurt that I didn’t get him anything). The fact that they already had an apartment lined up to move in together… I feel like a big, fat, stupid a** fool…
Now he wants everything to be peachy. Like I’m supposed to just turn the other cheek and forget about it and make things right. According to him I am the one in the wrong. I didn’t give him affection and haven’t in several years. Good grief, sorry but I was busy working fulltime, prego or raising two kids, and for some time a live in relative, taking care of a house… Its not like he was completely ignored. We did the deed at least two times a week (I made sure of that), he was hardly ever home, and when he was he was all pouty because I wasn’t loving on him…
I really would like this to work, for us and for our kids..for our family..I am really losing hope… It seems like he doesn’t want to admit that he did any wrong… I just don’t understand… I don’t know what to do. Last night he told me that as usual I have made him feel unloved and unwanted as I was putting kids to bed… Yet he doesn’t admit that he has ignored me or given me the cold shoulder for two days (he’s upset that I’m not loving on him)… I told him that all I asked him for yesterday was for reassurance that he was going to be able to stay away from her, that he was mine and only mine… he ignored me… I actually sent him a text throughout the day… I asked him that evening if he had rec’d it and he said yeah…
My heart is torn into a million pieces and I just don’t know what to do… I can’t imagine my life without him…I have been with him since I was fifteen…
Sorry for rambling and thanks for listening to my update…

[texmati]

forum crashing, but I couldn't read and not respond. I'm so very sorry mama.

[HappyMommy2]

Two times a week, and he is complaining? That is messed up. My hubby would be jumping for joy and bouncing off the walls! You should take a poll, and show him that is WAY more than most husbands of breastfeeding wives with young kids are getting.

Get a weekly counseling appt ASAP. Your feelings are valid and he needs to hear it from a neutral third party.

[~PurityLake~]

He's a selfish man and I don't know why you want things to work out with him. Actually, I think you want to because it's all you've ever known, yourself with him, no matter how unpleasant and unsatisfying your relationship with him has been, no matter how much you've given and he takes without helping, no matter how much he expects you to make him feel good without him giving a damn whether or not you feel good. He sounds like a narcissist to me and I think you'd be better off living your life without being partnered to him.

[~PurityLake~]

Originally Posted by HappyMommy2

Two times a week, and he is complaining? That is messed up. My hubby would be jumping for joy and bouncing off the walls! You should take a poll, and show him that is WAY more than most husbands of breastfeeding wives with young kids are getting.

Get a weekly counseling appt ASAP. Your feelings are valid and he needs to hear it from a neutral third party.

my husband is lucky if he gets it once a month.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by ~Purity♥Lake~

He sounds like a narcissist to me and I think you'd be better off living your life without being partnered to him.

This.

In the other thread, I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt - that he fessed up, because he realized how close he was to losing the OP, knew he was wrong, and was ready to work on fixing their marriage. It's obvious that none of this is the case. The fact that he had a six month affair, has confessed to that, and is still blaming the OP - and expecting her to just forgive and forget like it never happened (let alone that he risked her physical health and even life by not even using a condom!!) is just effed up.

[Halfasianmomma]

Oh mama, I'm SO sorry you are having to deal with this. Please try to be gentle with yourself right now.

Have you checked out the online forum "Surviving Infidelity"? It's a wonderful ressource for those who are dealing with (or are the cause of) infidelity in a relationship.

As for your husband, he is showing complete and utter lack of ownership. There is no justification for infidelity. Even if you were "unaffectionate" as he puts it, a NORMAL spouse would sit you down, discuss his feelings, suggest options (therapy, date night, etc) and get to work on the relationship. Please don't buy into this crap about how you caused his actions. HE decided and every single time he was with the other person, he made a conscious choice. There was no one there, putting a gun to his head, telling him to have sex with someone other than his wife. By pushing you into acting the way he wants/needs and then blaming you for not doing instantly, right after you found out he betrayed you, he is evading having to own up to his actions.

I strongly suggest some time apart so that you can just get your head on straight and rest.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

The fact that he had a six month affair, has confessed to that, and is still blaming the OP - and expecting her to just forgive and forget like it never happened (let alone that he risked her physical health and even life by not even using a condom!!) is just effed up.

Seriously! Blame shifting and not owning up to his own mistakes are just a couple of reasons why I would hit the pavement.

I was actually thinking of this last night while waiting for my husband to come home. We've hit some rough patches of lack-of-affection. And i thought to myself, if he EVER came to me and said he cheated, but it was MY FAULT, there might not be a measure to what I may to do him before I pack up our children and walk out the front door.

But, thats just me.

Which leads me to wonder, OP, what else has he blamed you for?

Counseling is a MUST right now, at the very least for just you, to process all of this.

[BabyBearsMummy]

IF you decide that your marriage will be able to survive this it will take time. It will not happen over night. IMHO tell him to back off and give you time to grieve what you had and decide if you both have the desire to repair your marriage. Remember he has known all along he was having an affair. Its old news to him BUT for you it is very fresh. You need time to process before making big decisions.


Again

[coryy]

Please listen to all the posters who have told you this IS NOT YOUR FAULT. My dh spent 3 years separating himself from the marriage and emotionally abusign me, so that by the time he DID have the affair, I was ready to believe anything. It took several other people telling me that it was HIS actions and HIS choices that destroyed our marriage, and had nothing to do with what I did or didn't do. I agree with the other poster who mentioned surviving infidelity...i have been lurking there regularly but not registered yet. Please do not allow yourself to be pulled into his blame game.

Get tested right away for STD's. The ob's office was a horrible experience, I cried the entire time, but they were very supportive of me. Find a counselor that YOU can trust for YOU...don't try marriage counseling yet.

there is a phrase---D.E.T.A.C.H.
it works for "don't even think about contacting him"
and "don't even think about changing him".

Change the locks and contact a laywer for your own sake, as mine had a secret credit card he was using at the time and ran up several thousand in debt. Please give yourself time away from him to process, and rally as many friends as you can bear to tell around you. Get somebody to make you dinner and take the kids, so that you can go cry to somebody else. Take care of you now.

[coryy]

oh, even if you don't join the surviving infidelity board, read up on the 180 there, in their articles section. It helped me get my head on straight.

[coryy]

Keep in mind that he may have ulterior motives...like he might have only told you because she broke up with him, and you were his fallback plan.

[red and lulu]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

The fact that he had a six month affair, has confessed to that, and is still blaming the OP - and expecting her to just forgive and forget like it never happened (let alone that he risked her physical health and even life by not even using a condom!!) is just effed up.

This.

What he did was wrong and inexcusable, no matter how unaffectionate he feels you are. And the fact that he can't be accountable for his own actions is even more f**ed up.

Counseling at least. But I'd kick him to the curb

Take care of you.

[DCMama01]

If he believes its your fault AND expects you to get over this quickly, it's time to think seriously about his character. Sounds like you will be living in fear of neglecting his needs (because he feels entitled to stray if he feels this way) while continuing to have your emotional needs neglected.

[lilyka]

Wow! This about word for word how it went for me. I am so sorry. I know that feeling of being lost and numb. of not knowing what to do. Of wanting to fight for your marriage but thinking it is not really worth fighting for. For me it broke when I realized how much this was hurting our kids. I firmly believe it is not always in the kids best interest to stay together.

Here are some things you need to know.

You do not have to make any decisions today. Give him a pillow and blanket and point him in the direction of the couch. Then take all the time you need to think about what you want, what you can deal with, what you can live with etc. If he complains about lack of affection tell him he has a hand. Take a week. Take a month. take a year. take a decade. Why is it men think they can run off, have an affair and leave us to do the dirty work and make all the hard decisions? If he is in a rush to get back to her he can freaking go but he has to be the one to stand up and walk out like a man. And if he is not willing to do that you feel free to take however long you want. take your sweet time. he has had all the time in the world to decide to leave, to come back, to stay. you take as much time as you need. There is absolutely no rush. Whats he going to do? walk out? have an affair? He already has. The beauty of of "can't get any worse" is that it really "can't get any worse."

get yourself some counseling. meet a good lawyer. prepare for the worst,. Continue to take all the time you need. get an STD test right away. make sure he pays for it. Do not waste a single minute getting this done. please.

It is not your fault he had an affair. I am sure you both made your share of mistakes. People do that. My xh and I were both pretty clumsy at a relationship. but him stepping out of our marriage and having sex with another woman...total game changer. That has nothing to do with anything I did or did not do. It was not about our marriage. it was about him. He was being greedy, lazy and selfish and I did not make him that way. But no matter what anyone says an affair is not a symptom of any bigger problem in your relationship. it is the logical conclusion of a person who loves only themselves and thinks of no one else. my xh knew the cost if the affair. His dignity, integrity, his reputation, it could have hurt his business, it hurt his relationship with his extended family, he more or less lost custody of the girls, lost me (not that he cares about that), it is costing him a crap ton of money. He paid it willingly. Then whined about it. But he is still with the mistress so I guess it was all worth it...right? We will see what the girls think about his choices when they grow up.


Clearly from my presence here I never got over it. The gross out factor alone was more than I could handle. Just knowing where those hands had been. Never mind his mouth and penis. umm, no. And the fact that he lied, and lived this double life, and every time I suspected he tried to convince me I was mentally ill and mean. How could I ever trust a person who could be that evil? stoop so low. have such a hard and dark heart? I did however take four months to decide, he paid for my counseling and my lawyer. He is still with her. I rarely see my kids. It sucks all around but not as much as being with him sucked.

[Juvysen]

TWICE A WEEK and he's upset?? Uhhhhh once a week is about normal for us. Twice a week is *a lot*... and that's when I'm not pregnant/nursing. It's been more than a month at this point... probably pushing 2? I can't remember.

Wow, he needs to get a clue, and you need to walk away. You don't need to be blamed for HIS infidelity. That's him, not you. You did your part (and then some!).

[smeep]

Originally Posted by cnfusd

sleeping at her house on his birthday (which is another thing he is mad at me for – he said he was totally hurt that I didn’t get him anything).

My ex did the same thing. I left town the day before his birthday (something that we both agreed upon, and he had ZERO issue with it). He cheated on me during the time I was gone. I found out a couple days after I got back and confronted him. At one point during the conversation he said, "It was my birthday!" (As if that's an excuse?!) Then later made some comment about how I didn't get him anything for his birthday (which had long since been discussed that I was pretty much unable to do so, living in a small town and not having access to the internet, etc.).

He seems to be completely ignoring his faults in this, and the fact that you need time. If he wants affection, he needs to show you affection, attention, love and PARTNERSHIP. Unfortunately he doesn't see this. Perhaps counseling will help with this, but it is up to you if you want to work it out. Having children together, being together for so long, etc., should not play into your decision (though I know it's hard NOT to think about those things). Do YOU want to be with THIS MAN any longer and try to work it out? If the answer is no, then you need to proceed accordingly. Remember, neither of you NOR the children will be happy if you don't want to be with this man.

[sosurreal09]

Originally Posted by Juvysen

TWICE A WEEK and he's upset?? Uhhhhh once a week is about normal for us. Twice a week is *a lot*... and that's when I'm not pregnant/nursing. It's been more than a month at this point... probably pushing 2? I can't remember.

Wow, he needs to get a clue, and you need to walk away. You don't need to be blamed for HIS infidelity. That's him, not you. You did your part (and then some!).

im sorry but i would be soooooooo done with him. you deserve better.

[chel]

Originally Posted by coryy

Keep in mind that he may have ulterior motives...like he might have only told you because she broke up with him, and you were his fallback plan.

yeah to this.

i'm also over on SI. it's a great place to see the patterns that go with affairs.


OP sorry to hear it's going the way it is for you. personally, i kicked my nsdh out the same hour i found out, started moving on with my life (filed for D and put our house on the market). he went to live in a motel with her for 3w. came crying back and has been the "perfect" husband ever since. even with this i still have one foot out the door and it's been 4m.

[NolaRiordan]

Boy this is so hard. I really feel for you. I think it would be really beneficial for you to have some time away to figure out what you want to do. Any chance you could suggest a separation? Or could you and the kids go away for a while?