4.5yo pretends that he's smoking

[busymama77]

The other night, DS and I were getting ready to start playing a game. I noticed that he had something in his right hand, between his first two fingers...some sort of stick that goes to one of his toys. But what he was doing with this stick really blew my mind. He was pretending that he was smoking! Apparently, he had just seen it on a movie that we were watching - Titanic.

So, we sat down and had a conversation - a stern one, but I tried to keep it as simple as possible. "J - smoking is yucky and we shouldn't pretend like we're doing something that is yucky for our bodies". "It's bad for our bodies and we want to keep our bodies healthy and strong." I got almost to the point of begging him not to pretend to do this anymore - at home or even at school! Did I go overboard? Wrong approach?
There are a couple of people in my family that currently smoke and that's my mom and my BIL. My mom is trying to quite currently, but still smokes. BIL - he'll probably never quit. But if DS were to see either one of them smoking, I'm not really sure how he would react!!

[bonamarq]

Well - if you only used it as an opportunity to talk about smoking, why it is not a good thing to do etc, then I think that's fine - begging him not to pretend might be going overboard...

My mother smokes and dd has seen her do so often (even tho she lives far away and rarely sees her - whole other story)- and she hates it and knows it's bad for health but people don't always make good choices and I think she needs to see that - she also sees her peers making poor choices with food etc. and she knows poor choices have consequences -

We live in WV and there is LOTS of smoking - can't possibly shield her from it so it's good to talk about it (she's now almost 7 - and promises me she will NEVER smoke - let hope she sticks to that...

Not that its ANY of my business what you watch - but doesn't Titatanic seem a bit heavy for a 4.5 yo? There's WAY worse things in that then smoking IMO -

[PoppyMama]

I used to pretend to smoke when I was little and no one in my family smoked. I just thought it looked cool. I would explain how unhealthy it is and maybe play one of those tapes of the hacking.

FWIW. I don't think most kids that age would be paying enough attention to grasp Titanic and that wouldn't be something I would be worried about playing while my child was awake.

[mamazee]

I wouldn't worry about it from a discipline issue. Kids are exposed to seeing smoking, and it will come up. I would just talk about how it's unhealthy, and about how when the Titanic sank people didn't even know it was unhealthy, so lots of people smoked. If you talk about it as it comes out and discuss the health risks, your ds will understand. I wouldn't freak out over it because it could make him feel like some topics are off limits, and that might cause problems in the future.

[Marsupialmom]

Begging him not to was overboard. He kept on doing it to get your reaction. Don't feed into it. Maybe request: you can pretend but don't actually ever do. Remember your child will pretend A LOT of things you don't like, it doesn't mean he will grow up to do it.

Firmly and calmly say why smoking is gross and harmful.

[Thalia the Muse]

I pretended to smoke as a kid -- especially on mornings when it was cold enough to see my breath. We even had candy cigarettes sometimes. And both my parents smoked, but I HATED smoking and nagged them unmercifully because A) it smelled horrible and B) I was sure it would kill them. I have never smoked a single cigarette in my life.

Kids play all kinds of things that would be "bad for their bodies" in real life! Sword fighting, running across a river by stepping on the heads of man-eating crocodiles, jumping into volcanoes ... play is play.

[mama2cal&darby]

I'm with the pp- play is play. If they see it, it's fair game. I personally wouldn't make him feel badly about about pretending to do it, I'd just let him know that the real thing is harmful. I wonder why you found yourself *begging* him to stop? Was it because you think his play may lead to him really smoking?- or because you are afraid he may do it in front of adults who will be shocked and judge your parenting?
I also think Titanic is an adult's film and wouldn't want to expose my kids to it- but that's just me. I don't have any adult media on around my kids and am very selective about the children's media they are exposed to

[busymama77]

Originally Posted by mama2cal&darby

I'm with the pp- play is play. If they see it, it's fair game. I personally wouldn't make him feel badly about about pretending to do it, I'd just let him know that the real thing is harmful. I wonder why you found yourself *begging* him to stop? Was it because you think his play may lead to him really smoking?- or because you are afraid he may do it in front of adults who will be shocked and judge your parenting?
I also think Titanic is an adult's film and wouldn't want to expose my kids to it- but that's just me. I don't have any adult media on around my kids and am very selective about the children's media they are exposed to

I'm not going to defend my stance on TV, but he had only watched it briefly. I 'begged' him so that he wouldn't do it at school and his friends would see him doing and start doing it and yes, therefore, it would be a reflection on my parenting.
I'm all for him playing pretend w/ guns, swords and the like, but this is something that hit home - me, being a former smoker - that I just didn't want to see my little boy doing. That's all.

[mamazee]

I get that. My 8-year-old has this Kidz Bop cd with a Lady Gaga song on it she likes, but she knows the Lady Gaga version too, and the difference between the two is that the Lady Gaga one talks about smoking cigarettes. I am not into censoring her music, and I'm fine with her listening to the Lady Gaga version (she got the Kidz Bop CD from a friend), but I just can't bear to hear her sing about smoking a cigarette! It's all me, I know, but it's just painful to hear!

So I do get it, and I personally think asking him to not play that game isn't a problem or anything, but this is something I'm betting most kids do at some point and isn't as big a deal as it feels like.

[Kreeblim]

My thoughts about smoking:

1) I've seen it be outlawed in a home and kids given the "smoking=bad" lectures who end up smoking. I never even came close, but that's probably because my parents were literally disgusted by it and felt they were better than that. My suggestion is to just act like a smoking snob. It's not wrong to smoke because it's bad, it's wrong to smoke because it's beneath you, and people who do smoke are weak and should be compassionately pitied.

(mind you, my grandfather smoked and he was an incredibly intelligent chemist, but still, smoking is disgusting and if they internalize that it's less likely they'll smoke than if they just get the idea that it's "forbidden." I apologize to anyone who smokes, but once a kid is hooked they are hooked for life.)

2) My grandfather died of lung cancer when the kids were 4 and 5, so we've had many talks about it. I leveled with them about exactly what happened and why, and answered all of their questions. The big question seemed to be "why do people smoke if it's so bad?" and I realized that they assumed it was because they taste so good that people can't stop. This was making them think smoking must taste GREAT even if it's a bit dangerous and having had the "we don't eat candy after we brush because it rots your teeth" convo, I realized that wouldn't exactly be a great deterrent.

I explained that cigarettes actually taste like burning dog crap, but there's a chemical inside that tricks people into thinking it tastes good, so once you smoke it has you tricked for life. I asked them to imagine if they saw me eat dog poop, and then I told them it tasted great...would they believe me? No. Same thing with cigarettes, it's disgusting, and it hurts you, and the only people that do it are the ones who were dumb enough to get tricked. I told them they're smarter than that, and they agreed.

Since these conversations (and we have them sometimes now if they bring it up) there has been no more pretending to smoke, when there had been on occasion before hand. They do sometimes tell family and friends who smoke that they should "break the spell" so they don't die like grandpa, but

I'd rather my kids be annoying than smokers.

[Kreeblim]

Also, if I hadn't made it clear I didin't freak out about pretending. I just react with the same disgust I would if they were pretending to eat dog poop. No punishment, just visible disgust and confusion and then I let it go. That was when I started the other stuff though, and it hasn't happened in almost 2 years.

[GuildJenn]

My son pretends to crash cars regularly, which is something I hope he doesn't pursue as he gets older.

I'm not sure I would worry about it a lot.

[Kreeblim]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

My son pretends to crash cars regularly, which is something I hope he doesn't pursue as he gets older.

I'm not sure I would worry about it a lot.

Right. Because the negative consequences of smoking are just as immediately harmful as purposely crashing a car. Also, once that kid crashes the car and decides not to do it again, I'm sure it will be a life-long struggle due to the chemically brain-altering nature of the addiction properties found in a car wreck.

Look, I'm not saying it's something to freak out about and grantees your kid will smoke, but ANY harmful activities I see my kid mimicking deserves some attention. If I saw my kid playing cops and robbers with nerf guns I might also teach them basic gun safety in case they ever find one so they don't play with it like it's a toy (not that this will happen in our house, but we have a lot of hunters in the family and you never know).

[Lupena]

My son did this for about 2 months ( my sister smokes..) everything was a cigarette, despite the fact that he was well aware it was a gross habit ( or as he called it - 'yukky..' ) I didn't call attention to it, even cut his straws into 'cigarettes' The phase quickly passed and now he calls to my sister as she sits outside smoking .. " Stop blowing cigarettes Cor..! I don't want you to get sick... stop smoking!!"

Whenever he said " Look mum, I'm smoking!" I glanced at him, casually, and said; "mmmmm ( as in, affirmative.) yuk.." and nothing more.

[Daffodil]

My DD went through a phase when she was around 3 or 4 where she liked to pretend to smoke. I knew she understood that smoking is bad for you and that she didn't plan ever to smoke in real life, so I didn't care. Kids pretend to do all kinds of things they would never want to do for real. I bet most other parents have seen their kids do similar things and wouldn't be shocked.

[Needle in the Hay]

This is very common, especially around that age. My DS used to do it too. I know I had a somewhat dismayed reaction at first and he was like "hey it's just pretend!". After that I didn't worry about it. He knew about the dangers of cigarettes by then anyway.

BTW, I knew all about the ways cigarettes damage one's body and how hard quitting is, how the tobacco companies want to get people hooked young, etc. and I still took up smoking as a teenager. I think it had way more to do with what I felt at that time than with what I knew.

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by Kreeblim

Right. Because the negative consequences of smoking are just as immediately harmful as purposely crashing a car. Also, once that kid crashes the car and decides not to do it again, I'm sure it will be a life-long struggle due to the chemically brain-altering nature of the addiction properties found in a car wreck.

Look, I'm not saying it's something to freak out about and grantees your kid will smoke, but ANY harmful activities I see my kid mimicking deserves some attention. If I saw my kid playing cops and robbers with nerf guns I might also teach them basic gun safety in case they ever find one so they don't play with it like it's a toy (not that this will happen in our house, but we have a lot of hunters in the family and you never know).

My point is play is play. Honestly, I think if you freak out at it what your child will learn is to hide his or her interests and in the long run that puts them much more at risk.

I think it's okay to talk about the health issues but I also think there will be many teachable moments in your child's life and you don't have to be stern about every imaginary action.

[Oriole]

I pretend-smoked as a kid. Growing up, we had these very cool thin bread-stick things that were just the right shape and size.

We are a non-smoking family (my dad used to smoke, but he quit a long while ago). I'm super healthy, and have never as much as been tempted to smoke.

P.S. I also played doctor, without any interest of ever stitching an open wound . I also made bow and arrows, and I don't even kill mosquitoes or spiders (drives DP crazy, because he's the one who has to open the door and shoo them away), I also played with toy guys that had a fire-cracker sound to them, and now I can't even wash an ant down the drain. A play is a play. Much bigger issues must come into place for something to go wrong, imho.

[meemee]

did you guys grow up with candy that looked like cigarettes when you were younger. not only was it delicious but it was our favourite because it looked exactly like a cigarette with a red tip.

in time your son will understand. this is not the time to be 'stern' about it.

my dd pretended. i was shocked. but i held back. i would join her sometimes. by 5 when she was ready to hear about the evils of smoking she heard, she heard about it at school AND she saw the bodies revealed exhibition and the smokers black lung fascinated her. she is v. v. v. much against smoking.

so just coz she 'lit' her first cigarette when she was 4 doesnt mean she might at 14. who knows she might. actually she knows she has the freedom to do whatever she wants. its her body. only she has the right to do with it what she wants. she knows all teh ills of smoking. when its time to smoke its her decision.

[Thalia the Muse]

I went to a "speakeasy" night hosted by the L.A. Art Deco Society a few years ago, and they had cigarette girls selling candy cigarettes -- they still make them!

And I let my daughter eat them when I got home. For her it was like eating that garbage-pail candy we had when I was a kid -- the slightly subversive thrill of pretending to eat something you'd never really be allowed to eat!

I wonder if they still have those little candy garbage pails?