My DS hates my DH and almost hit him today!!

[LionessMom]

what a rough morning. DH and DS almost got into a fistfight. DS yelled at DH "you are not my dad and you cant tell me what to do" and then balled his fists up like he was going to punch DH. i told him that yes he is THE DAD in this house and yes he can tell him what to do. all of this bc DH told DS to quit wasting band aids. if DS would have said anything other than an argument it would have been fine but no they gotta butt heads all the time. i am getting so sick of it. DS always argues with everything that anybody says. last night he was telling me how the school nurse has been changing his band aid (he scraped his toe) and using some spray on it. and i told him how if it is strong enough to kill bacteria then it would kill the new skin as well. he tells me that he trusts the nurse over me cause she is a nurse. argh. my son doesnt trust me to know anything or DH to know anything and i am at the end of my rope with him. i can not take it anymore. everything that comes out of his mouth is a disrespectful argument. DH has been the dad for 7 years. DS said some hurtful things to DH this morning and I hope it doesnt ruin their relationship any more than it has

DH is DS's sdad. DS doesnt see his bio dad and hasnt for at least 3 years. even then it was very soppty going years between visit. DS has been diagnosed with ADHD and ODD. he takes meds for ADHD. he told DH he ruined his life etc. i am so heartsick.

[Kindermama]

As an outsider looking in, just hold in the boundaries in spite of his behavior. Sometimes children challenge us and pushed us to the limit to make sure we love them unconditionally. Sounds like your DS is just testing how far away he can push your DH to see if he'll leave him too (all subconsciously, of course!)

Big hugs! This is all normal behavior for a child who has lost a parent. If you guys can just keep that perspective, you won't take it personally and you'll be better able to meet him in the moment. Give him ways to deal with his anger. Give him reasonable consequences always followed up with compassion and love. He's suffering

[pregnant@40]

Your son sounds really angry. He may be having feelings of being abandoned by his father, and it may have nothing to do w/ his diagnoses.

[MissLotus]

I think that while your son definitely should be expected to be respectful to your husband, he should NOT be required to feel like your husband is his father.

Even if he hasn't seen his bio father in a while, he could still be grieving. Plus, yes, the teen years.

Regarding:
last night he was telling me how the school nurse has been changing his band aid (he scraped his toe) and using some spray on it. and i told him how if it is strong enough to kill bacteria then it would kill the new skin as well. he tells me that he trusts the nurse over me cause she is a nurse.

...maybe I'm missing something but it doesn't sound like he started out as argumentative. He was just telling you what happened, and he had no control over what the nurse did - plus even if you were right about the spray, there's not much he could do about it by then.

[treeoflife3]

a different perspective... I was a lot like that in my teen years. My biological father bowed out of my life when I was born but came back when I was 11 only for one summer before disappearing again among a few other things in my childhood.

By the time I was thirteen I was unquestioningly suffering from depression and suicidal. In my own opinion, I think I had been suffering for years before, but that was the year I was suicidal.. 13 and after my 14th birthday. I was no longer suicidal a bit after starting freshman year, but I was still very much so depressed and suffering from a lot of anxiety.

I was absolutely horrid. My mom married my stepdad when I was 14/15 and it was a huge struggle for me. I was already dealing a great deal with dad and father figure issues from my past but then this guy I didn't know at all started becoming part of our lives. My mom's relationship with him moved a GREAT DEAL more quickly than mine did and before I was even ready for him to spend nights, he was moving in (he had been spending nights prior to that) and they were getting married when I was just getting used to another adult living in the house. My mom had always told my brother and I growing up that should she ever be in a relationship, we would get a say in how quickly they become that big in our lives because of the alluded past issues and that she would never take his name anyway because she wanted the same name as us, her children. However she did take his name. This probably wouldn't have bothered me if not for everything else but it ended up being the straw. I was an absolute UAV to both of them and to many other people. I was told as much actually by my mom. It was true and I knew it was true but that hurt a lot. I was so confused and in such a bad place and I couldn't seem to control my anger or sadness or confusion and just lashed out.

I'm not saying he has these feelings specifically about the two of you together, but it can definitely be hard for a kid to watch a parent be with someone who isn't the other parent.... especially when the other parent doesn't appear to want the kid. its already a confusing time with puberty and growing and changing and figuring out more complex emotions without feeling like you don't belong or have been abandoned or aren't wanted.

It might help to be gentle with him and see if you can find the root of the problem. Its okay that he doesn't like your husband although he DOES need to respect him... but I think that you and your husband also need to respect his feelings with his own dad and how his parental unit is currently. Maybe he needs some one on one time with you specifically to feel like you aren't going to leave him like his dad apparently has for this new family you are creating. Even if he hasn't thought those exact words and even if YOU know thats pretty ridiculous... it can still be a confused and horrible feeling he mgiht have.

I could be way off base.. but he is clearly angry and I remember being exactly like that. I wanted so badly to hate my stepdad and I wanted so badly for my mom to leave him so we could go back to how we were... just us. Where she had more time for us because there was no one else important in her life. Selfish, yes... but it was what it was. for what it is worth, I really like my step dad now (its hard not to, even then!) and they are currently in counseling and considering separation for awhile to try and avoid divorce which actually makes me sad. Now I DON'T WANT him out of our family

[MusicianDad]

First, If your DH has only been in your DS life for the past 7 years... Then no he is not your DS's dad. I hate to say it, but it's not up to you or your DH to say who your DS identifies as his dad.

Second, your DS has every right to trust the nurse over you. Even if you don't like it. The reason being that your DS is old enough to form his own opinions by this point and that means forming his own opinions about what people tell him and who that person is.

Third, you need to start working on respect with him. Not just demanding it either, that's not respect that is resentment. Part of that is going to be talking to him about it, about what you expect from him and part of that is going to be giving the same respect. As in, if he disagrees with you about treatment for his scraped toe, then respect that it is his body and ultimately his choice. You can voice your opinion but you can't force it.

[kblackstone444]

Originally Posted by MusicianDad

First, If your DH has only been in your DS life for the past 7 years... Then no he is not your DS's dad. I hate to say it, but it's not up to you or your DH to say who your DS identifies as his dad.

Coming from someone in a similar situation, I disagree. Perhaps the Mom and the Stepdad ARE saying who the child identifies as his Dad, but don't ASSUME that that's what they are doing. My own son has a Dad and a Father- a Dad took care of him, a Father made him and left. And that was 100% my son's choice. It's possible that their was a Dad/son relatioship there before the child hit the teens. 7 years in a child's life can mean quite a bit. Of course, in the teen years they tend to disown ALL their parents, biological, or other.

As for the "you're not my Dad and you can't tell me what to do", children, especially teens, will say whatever they can use when they're angry with their parents, trying to gain their own identity and independance. I couldn't use that line on my Mother- she's my biological Mother- but I remember when I was 13 or 14, yelling at my Mom, telling her "at least my Father loved me enough to leave me before I was born 'cause he knew he'd be a crappy parent!" Did I mean it? Not particularly, but I wanted to hit a nerve, to "win" the arguement. Kids sometimes say things out of anger simply because they can, know what I mean?

[MusicianDad]

Originally Posted by kblackstone444

Coming from someone in a similar situation, I disagree. Perhaps the Mom and the Stepdad ARE saying who the child identifies as his Dad, but don't ASSUME that that's what they are doing. My own son has a Dad and a Father- a Dad took care of him, a Father made him and left. And that was 100% my son's choice. It's possible that their was a Dad/son relatioship there before the child hit the teens. 7 years in a child's life can mean quite a bit. Of course, in the teen years they tend to disown ALL their parents, biological, or other.

As for the "you're not my Dad and you can't tell me what to do", children, especially teens, will say whatever they can use when they're angry with their parents, trying to gain their own identity and independance. I couldn't use that line on my Mother- she's my biological Mother- but I remember when I was 13 or 14, yelling at my Mom, telling her "at least my Father loved me enough to leave me before I was born 'cause he knew he'd be a crappy parent!" Did I mean it? Not particularly, but I wanted to hit a nerve, to "win" the arguement. Kids sometimes say things out of anger simply because they can, know what I mean?

Sorry, but the proper response to "You aren't my dad you can't tell me what to do" is not "He is the dad and he can tell you want to do".

You can't tell someone else how they feel about someone. I would have been royally pissed as a teenager if either of my parents insisted that I identify someone I did not consider a parent as a parent. That includes my step-dad who has been a part of my life since I was 8. We get along, we hang out, we have a great time together. But he is not my dad. My current step-mom, is not my mom. My real mom, the woman I call "mom" and the woman I call every year to wish a happy mothers day is no my biological mom, but she is my mom. No one else has the right to tell me who is who in my life. If someone had told me who I had to identify as my mom, I would have immediately lost all respect for them because it's clear they have no respect for me. I've had one step-mom who tried that, told me that as my dad's wife she was my mom. My dad put his foot down. Told her right out that she had no right to claim that title and it was up to me whether I wanted to give it to her.

[kblackstone444]

Originally Posted by MusicianDad

Sorry, but the proper response to "You aren't my dad you can't tell me what to do" is not "He is the dad and he can tell you want to do".

Whether or not he is the "real" Dad, he is "the Dad in the house", he is an adult in the house and, especially when he has been an adult in the house for seven years, it is not unreasonable to expect a child put in his care to listen to him as a parent. If you look at the OP's post, he IS the Dad in the house, has been for 7 years, has biological children in the house as well, he IS a responsible adult in a Dad rule enrusted by the children's other parent to help care for the children of the house. That doesn't mean that he's trying to replace the biological Father- and I'm sorry if that was your childhood experience- but that is not always the case, so it shouldn't be automatically assumed that that's the situation. Children can reject their parents, biological as well as step, when they are angry. Any household where children are told that they don't have to listen to another adult, especially in a caregiver role, like a stepparent, will fail.

[red and lulu]

It sounds like a really frustrating situation for you, OP.

I have to kinda agree with some of the pp. I am 28 and still reject my step-father, who's been married to my mom for 14 years. And its mostly b/c he thought that marrying my mom made him my "dad." I have always resented being told what someone is supposed to mean to me. Even as an adult with a child of my own I find I have similar outbursts to your son (though mostly in my head these days).

I guess all I'm saying is that your son and your dh have to work their relationship out amongst themselves, and it should be ok if your son doesn't want him to be his dad. He can be a respected, trusted friend and family member, but just b/c he's married to you doesn't necessarily mean he'll be a parent figure in your son's eyes, no matter how deserving you think he is. (All that said, there should be respect all around, from kids to parents and vice versa).

[treeoflife3]

Originally Posted by kblackstone444

Whether or not he is the "real" Dad, he is "the Dad in the house", he is an adult in the house and, especially when he has been an adult in the house for seven years, it is not unreasonable to expect a child put in his care to listen to him as a parent. If you look at the OP's post, he IS the Dad in the house, has been for 7 years, has biological children in the house as well, he IS a responsible adult in a Dad rule enrusted by the children's other parent to help care for the children of the house. That doesn't mean that he's trying to replace the biological Father- and I'm sorry if that was your childhood experience- but that is not always the case, so it shouldn't be automatically assumed that that's the situation. Children can reject their parents, biological as well as step, when they are angry. Any household where children are told that they don't have to listen to another adult, especially in a caregiver role, like a stepparent, will fail.

and having your father abandon you hurts like a... it hurts really bad. really really bad. its hard to deal with that, especially when you are already a teenager who is trying to figure out who the heck you are and dealing with everything that comes with other teenagers trying to figure out who THEY are around you. It can feel like everyone is against you will abandon you as well.

Telling someone that 'he is the dad' when there are issues with the biological one is wrong. Yes, he may be a PARENT and does get to set and enforce rules, but referring to him as DAD when the man who is SUPPOSED to be dad wants nothing to do with you can very much so make the situation a lot worse.

Maybe this teenager isn't expected to call his step father DAD but just to be respectful and follow the enforced rules, but that doesn't change that the word DAD shouldn't be thrown at the teenager. the step father isn't his dad if he doesn't feel he is ready to make that emotional bond. Telling him he IS his dad is silly at best. It is extremely disrespectful of his feelings over his OWN biological father who he might feel SHOULD be the dad.

Should he respect his step father for the parent he IS and follow the rules and not lash out? abso freaking lutely. 100%. However, he deserves the respect to decide for himself who gets the title of 'dad.'

[LionessMom]

thanks for the feedback. i feel better.

just to address something. DH is not DS's dad. he does not call him dad. i did not tell him DH was HIS dad, just that DH was THE DAD of the house. meaning the other responsible parent.

DH and DS did sit down and talk. DH clarified it for him. he told DS what he DH did wrong and apologized for it and DS did the same. then he reiterated that he knows he is not DS dad and is not trying to replace DS dad. but that he has been there for the last 7 years and has done the dad stuff with him and that DS is the closest thing he has to a son. and that since he is the adult in the house that he does have a right to parent DS. (he doesnt really try to overstep it to much and prefers to talk to him as more of a friend than a dad). they seemd ok after that. DH also told him how it hurt his feelings when DS says things like that bc DH really wants to be there for DS and understands his anger bc DH doesnt even know who his dad was and that is why DH tried to encourage DS's relationship with bio dad. he also told him that he is very sorry that his bdad cant be here for him right now and that is why he tries so hard to be there for him.

sorry if it all seems jumbled. i am having a hard time lately keeping things straightened. we are also dealing with my health issues right now. so lots of stress issues here.

[madskye]

Your DH sounds great.

As another child of divorce and remarriage, I can only add my own experience, which was that it was really, really hard. I think it's just another layer of complicated stuff to figure out on top all the other adolescent or teen crap that kids need to sort through and come out on top of. I idolized my stepfather, so we never fought, but I fought with my mom all the time. I look back now and just wonder why they didn't get me some kind of therappy then! (I ended up doing quite a bit of therapy in my twenties, and I dealt with a lot of confused feelings and successfully put it all behind me...)

Have you ever thought about giving your son the opportunity to talk to someone outside the family--either a therapist or pastor?

[LionessMom]

my son does have a therapist and i called to see if they could move his appt up sooner. he started seeing a therapist when his bio dad was trying to visit him.

[MusicianDad]

It sounds like your DH understands at least someone the troubles your DS is having right now. Hint* Next time using the term adult rather than Dad or Parent might go over better with DS simply because it indicates a certain level of authority without assigning any emotional or biological bonds.

[LionessMom]

thanks MusicianDad. i will do that.

[PoppyMama]

I agree with Musiciandad that adult would be a better and less loaded word. I think even parent could fly alright but dad holds all sorts of emotional connotation that only your ds can choose.